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Leaving abusive relationship and leaving state

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helloworld123

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I'm left my abusive husband Friday and am 2 hours away right now but in the same state. I have family in 2 different states willing to take me in, and I'm looking forward to leaving the state because that's what we (husband and I) were supposed to do since I've been unemployed for a year.

My family is ready to ship me out now, but I'm terrified that he will file custody before me. My family thinks he's stupid, but I know that he knows the law, and has been calling every single family member he knows saying that he has no clue where I am (even though he put tracking on my phone, which I didn't realize until Saturday morning and turned the phone off).

I know when we divorce, I will have to file paperwork because he claims that he wanted to divorce me for years but never lifted a finger to file any paperwork. He barely knows my information. But he made sure to hide all my daughter's paperwork so I don't even have any of that right now, so he's at an advantage. Plus, as crazy as he's acting, he might be more apt to file.

I'm visiting a domestic violence advocate tomorrow to get more info, but I just wanted to know what you guys thought. Should I go along with my family's thought and just leave and chance him filing for custody before I am able to in a new state? Or should I be cautious and file in my state, even though it might keep me in this state forever and near him?
 


ecmst12

Senior Member
What evidence do you have of the abuse? How many police reports? What about a restraining order? Have you done ANYTHING other then take it for years? If you didn't report it, then in the eyes of the court, it didn't happen and you can't use it against him.
 

helloworld123

Junior Member
What evidence do you have of the abuse? How many police reports? What about a restraining order? Have you done ANYTHING other then take it for years? If you didn't report it, then in the eyes of the court, it didn't happen and you can't use it against him.
All I have is my diary. He only did emotional and verbal abuse. I mean, he's called and harrassed my friends and family too, but I guess that's not evidence. I might have a tape recording or two on my phone but I'm afraid to turn on my phone because he might track me again.

The only thing that may work in my favor is that he won't do the paperwork himself. And he doesn't know whether I'm still in state or not because I put that I moved to a different state on facebook after he started harrassing me on there. But if he hires a lawyer, It's done. He has all the money, so he has the money to hire one if he chooses.
 

acmb05

Senior Member
All I have is my diary. He only did emotional and verbal abuse. I mean, he's called and harrassed my friends and family too, but I guess that's not evidence. I might have a tape recording or two on my phone but I'm afraid to turn on my phone because he might track me again.
Then you have no proof that any abuse has occured.

The only thing that may work in my favor is that he won't do the paperwork himself. And he doesn't know whether I'm still in state or not because I put that I moved to a different state on facebook after he started harrassing me on there. But if he hires a lawyer, It's done. He has all the money, so he has the money to hire one if he chooses.
If you leave the state he can petition the court for the children to be returned back to the jurisdiction of the court. If that is granted you will have two choices, Move back with the kids or give him custody.
 

helloworld123

Junior Member
Mom, why shouldn't Dad have custody?
I don't mind having sole physical with visitation and joint legal. I'm not trying to take him from his child totally; one state I'm considering was a state he claimed we were moving to in January. However, he has no job or skills. He's a hustler in the sense that he claims to have some business or scheme going. I finally figured out that he's just not going to do anything except sponge off me. All my friends and family pretty much feel the same.

He doesn't get involved with our child much except play with her every once in a while. He's out a lot because of his "hustling", and claims he needs even more time out the house to make his hustling work. But I'm the one changing diapers, feeding, potty training, reading, playing, etc. My daughter hasn't even noticed he's gone the past 2 days, but if I ever leave for a few hours, she cries.

He's not a bad father, but I think the optimal environment would be with me. He's refused to put her in daycare so far (yet he neither teaches her anything nor gives her opportunities to socialize with children her age--it's all my responsibility) and had expressed not giving her a formal education. Of course, he can lie like he usually does and claim the total opposite in court, but I know the truth about it, and it concerns me.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
I don't mind having sole physical with visitation and joint legal. I'm not trying to take him from his child totally; one state was a state he claimed we were moving to next month. However, he has no job or skills. He's a hustler in the sense that he claims to have some business or scheme going. I finally figured out that he's just not going to do anything except sponge off me. All my friends and family pretty much feel the same.

He doesn't get involved with our child much except play with her every once in a while. He's out a lot because of his "hustling", and claims he needs even more time out the house to make his hustling work. But I'm the one changing diapers, feeding, potty training, reading, playing, etc. My daughter hasn't even noticed he's gone the past 2 days, but if I ever leave for a few hours, she cries.

He's not a bad father, but I think the optimal environment would be with me. He's refused to put her in daycare so far (yet he neither teaches her anything nor gives her opportunities to socialize with children her age--it's all my responsibility) and had expressed not giving her a formal education. Of course, he can lie like he usually does and claim the total opposite in court, but I know the truth about it, and it concerns me.


So, there is no reason Dad couldn't have custody.

Mom, you have a choice here if Dad fights. You can stay and be custodial parent, or you can leave and let Dad be CP.

I'm seeing nothing to indicate why moving would be better for your daughter than her having regular contact with her father.

You could try offering a very generous parenting plan which includes paying for all transportation - do you think that's a viable option?
 

helloworld123

Junior Member
So, there is no reason Dad couldn't have custody.

Mom, you have a choice here if Dad fights. You can stay and be custodial parent, or you can leave and let Dad be CP.

I'm seeing nothing to indicate why moving would be better for your daughter than her having regular contact with her father.

You could try offering a very generous parenting plan which includes paying for all transportation - do you think that's a viable option?
Sure, when I'm working I make more money than a lot of people I know. I've been laid off and stifled because he's made excuses for not leaving the state one way or the other over the past year.

This board is interesting. One, no one believes abuse and thinks abuse of the other parent and not being a participative parent is any reason not to grant someone full custody. I would mention the drug use but he knows how to cheat the tests so that's a null argument too.

Well, thanks for your input, keep it coming so I know what I'm up against. I'm interested to see what the advocate says tomorrow because according to my former domestic violence counselor and the hotline, my diary of the events and family/friend/neighbor/landlord knowledge of abuse are viable evidence in court.
 
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Proserpina

Senior Member
Sure, when I'm working I make more money than a lot of people I know. I've been laid off and stifled because he's made excuses for not leaving the state one way or the other over the past year.

This board is interesting. One, no one believes abuse and thinks abuse of the other parent and not being a participative parent is any reason not to grant someone full custody. I would mention the drug use but he knows how to cheat the tests so that's a null argument too.

I'm sorry...what?

No one believes abuse? NOBODY has said that. What WAS said that legally, if the abuse wasn't documented properly, it didn't happen. That is NOT disbelief, it's legal truth.

Drug use? Prove it, and prove that it directly harms your child.


Well, thanks for your input, keep it coming so I know what I'm up against. I'm interested to see what the advocate says tomorrow because according to my former domestic violence counselor and the hotline, my diary of the events and family/friend/neighbor/landlord knowledge of abuse are viable evidence in court.

How many of these people are attorneys? Do you think we're somehow just lying to you for fun, or that we don't collectively know what we're talking about? :confused:

Seriously - you're going into this wearing blinders and you're going to sink yourself if you don't educate yourself PDQ.

Stick around here. Read the older posts. Learn. Understand what the courts will and will not consider.
 

helloworld123

Junior Member
I'm sorry...what?

No one believes abuse? NOBODY has said that. What WAS said that legally, if the abuse wasn't documented properly, it didn't happen. That is NOT disbelief, it's legal truth.

Drug use? Prove it, and prove that it directly harms your child.
Nope, can't "prove" it either. I have a long list of stuff he's done that I can't prove because he hides, deletes, and denies. And, like I said, he's cheated drug tests before so I know he can do it again if I request one. So, pretty much I'm screwed.

How many of these people are attorneys? Do you think we're somehow just lying to you for fun, or that we don't collectively know what we're talking about? :confused:

Seriously - you're going into this wearing blinders and you're going to sink yourself if you don't educate yourself PDQ.

Stick around here. Read the older posts. Learn. Understand what the courts will and will not consider.
It's just interesting because my DV people said totally opposite things, like I have a chance. No, they aren't lawyers, that's why I'm seeking an advocate tomorrow. I'm too broke to hire a real lawyer.

I've read a few things around here and pretty much expected these responses (like paying for his visitation and never being able to leave the state and all that).

So, as it is, I don't have concrete proof of anything, and if he fights me at all, I'm screwed. I'm pretty disheartened about the court system at this point.
 
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Proserpina

Senior Member
Would you prefer a court system that relies upon hearsay rather than actual evidence?

I wouldn't.

I don't think you have no chance whatsoever.

But based solely upon what you've written tonight? I don't think your chances are good at all.
 

acmb05

Senior Member
Nope, can't "prove" it either. I have a long list of stuff he's done that I can't prove because he hides, deletes, and denies. And, like I said, he's cheated drug tests before so I know he can do it again if I request one. So, pretty much I'm screwed.



It's just interesting because my DV people said totally opposite things, like I have a chance. No, they aren't lawyers, that's why I'm seeking an advocate tomorrow. I'm too broke to hire a real lawyer.

I've read a few things around here and pretty much expected these responses (like paying for his visitation and never being able to leave the state and all that).

So, as it is, I don't have concrete proof of anything, and if he fights me at all, I'm screwed. I'm pretty disheartened about the court system at this point.
absolutely no one has said you are screwed. We do not know your judges where you are. They very well may take your diary and witnesses into consideration. The fact of the matter though is that you allowed this abuse to continue through the years but did not think it was bad enough to get the police involved.

Also from what you have stated the abuse was not directed toward the child. You are going to have to prove (unless dad agrees to the move) that moving out of state away from the father will be better for your child than being close to and having regular contact with the father.

Requesting a drug test will probably do you no good since he does not have a history of drug abuse.

It is normal for the parent that moves away to be responsible for the transportation cost for visitation. It simply is not fair to move the child away from one parent then expect that parent to have to pay to get to see the child.

Look at your state guidelines for long distance parenting plans and if possible give dad a few extra days than the norm. Offer to split travel cost with him. If you like, offer to reduce child support below the state guideline.

If he sees that you are willing to cooperate he may just change his tune and allow the move. Now take into consideration that as long as he lives in the state that is who will have jurisdiction and anything you have to change in the future will have to be done through the courts in that state.
 
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helloworld123

Junior Member
Wow, this thing ate my whole post, but long story short, emotional abuse leaves no scars or bruises for police to investigate. I didn't even realize I was being abused (just thought he was difficult or scarred from all his "bad" relationships) until last year, and I consulted a DV counselor. He caught onto me and I stopped going, but I still had a plan. Unfortunately my car died and I was laid off and by that time he had my family convinced that I was making things up so I had no support or money or transportation.

The one time he choked me (the baby was the only witness), his mom begged for me not to call the police. But as he started harassing friends and family from whom he thought I was seeking help, people starting turning against him and I finally had a way out. The final straw happened over Thanksgiving. When I left, he didn't bother to really contact me while he could track me on my phone.

It wasn't until I turned off my phone, blocked him from facebook and changed my passwords (he's hacked my accounts before) that he went nuts. He harrassed my brothers that he thought I was staying with (I am staying with one). He even called all my family that he had numbers for and claimed I disappeared with the baby for no reason and he has no clue where I am. So they are blowing up my brother and facebook.

I've tried to leave many times over the years, even before I figured it was abuse, but he's taken away keys, physically blocked me, and threatened to say I kidnapped the baby or ran off with another man. If I email or call someone for help, he's called them or emailed them and harrassed them or claims I'm lying about everything.

I'm worried about being so close, especially in this state, because he's gotten away with abuse of an ex-girlfriend. He broke into her house and choked her because she had a new boyfriend. The police came and tased him. I guess with the help of his mom and/or some lawyer, the breaking and entering, domestic violence, and resisting arrest charges were all dropped.

He's even had felony cases against him dropped (and one expunged) so I don't know what kind of lawyer he has and I'm worried. His record looks clean as a whistle, but trust me, it's not as I found out over the years.

He's told me before if I left with our daughter then give him a bit and he will have full custody of her. He also said I might as well kill myself because he will take our daughter away. I guess I'm frustrated because since this is all considered hearsay, I have no power to do anything to protect myself against this man.

He also has collected "evidence" against me, like when I caught him cheating or doing something inappropriate with other women, he'll leave and I'll send angry texts (stupid, but I know better now). He never responds to texts or leaves voicemails because he doesn't like leaving a "trace" as he says. Lately when I say that I'm going to leave, he'll say he has evidence that I'm actually the one being abusive. I guess if I give up our daughter he will leave me alone. But I refuse to give her to him. If the courts can't see why, then I'm not sure what to do.
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
Your first step is an abused woman's shelter.

Second step is to see an attorney.

Believe me, people here are sympathetic and are quite aware of emotional abuse. But sympathy isn't going to get you anywhere. You're getting valid legal advice. You can either learn from it or stumble along on your own - and possibly lose custody of your daughter.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Nope, can't "prove" it either. I have a long list of stuff he's done that I can't prove because he hides, deletes, and denies. And, like I said, he's cheated drug tests before so I know he can do it again if I request one. So, pretty much I'm screwed.



It's just interesting because my DV people said totally opposite things, like I have a chance. No, they aren't lawyers, that's why I'm seeking an advocate tomorrow. I'm too broke to hire a real lawyer.

I've read a few things around here and pretty much expected these responses (like paying for his visitation and never being able to leave the state and all that).

So, as it is, I don't have concrete proof of anything, and if he fights me at all, I'm screwed. I'm pretty disheartened about the court system at this point.
Its not entirely true that you cannot win a case for relocation. Many parents do win relocation cases.

However, its also true that if you just take off to another state, and dad is knowledgeable at all, that he can run to court and would have a better than decent shot at getting a judge to order you to bring the child back to the jurisdiction.

Does dad have the kind of money it would take to hire an attorney or could he get the money fairly rapidly? What do you mean by "hustling" as far as dad earning his income?
 

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