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long distance parenting plan?

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Artemis_ofthe_Hunt

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MN,
Hello and thanks in advance for your help. I am a single mom of a 2 year old. My son's father is not involved.... this isn't to say that I don't hear from him, but its often 3-6 months in between communications and is always threats about how if I don't do what he wants me to, he's going to take me to court and take our son from me. Never asking about how our child is doing, never asks if there is anything that he needs... nothing.

The background:
My sons father and I were never married. About October of 07, just after our first marriage counseling (my church requires it in order to marry with the blessing of the church), I found out that he was sleeping with my "best friend" and intended on leaving me. I was naturally very hurt, announced that I was moving back to MN (living in WY), to which he replied that he knew that. I told him and his family when I was leaving, mutual friends of ours were at the house helping me finish packing and he never called, never showed. I had contacted an attorney to make sure that I could leave the state, to which I was told that since there was no order in place and I had notified the father of my intention to leave that it was up to him to put any objections in front of the court. He didn't object and didn't try to stop me.

Shortly after arriving at my mothers house, I filed for child support. He signed the ROP and he is on the birth certificate. He paid nothing during the interim, waiting until the court order was in place before paying anything... something like 6 months. This is when the threats started. Mostly coming from his girlfriend, some that she signed for him (its funny how his signature looks like hers!). I was employed part time during this time but on state assistance for medical and food stamps.

I was laid off at the end of November, applied for God only knows how many jobs for the next several months, only to receive threats that if I didn't get a job and do my part in paying for our son, that he may as well raise him if he has to continue to pay (his words... "if I am to continue to pay $ a month, I may as well raise him"). I did not answer this email, but continued my job search. I finally found a good job, sucky hours, but a good paying job that will afford me to support our son, with or without his help... in two years when I max out on pay. At this point, I am still living with my mother who helps with daycare when I work on the weekends, takes care of him in the mornings and takes him to daycare during the week. Due to my hours, I don't see this changing.

Fast forward to now:
My son is now two, has no idea who his father is, albeit partially my fault for moving so far away, however, he has made no attempts to ask for any kind of visitation. I have never replied to his threats, they would only fuel the fire. He (well SHE) demanded monthly updates and pictures, threatening me with dire consequences (their words not mine) if I did not comply with their demands. I complied with the monthly updates for several months, then fell behind due to now working more than full time.

I have never said nor implied that he couldn't see his son, never said that he couldn't be a part of his life. He was behind in child support 6 months up until the first of this year, pays at different times during the month, sometimes 45-60 days apart. He falsely claimed him on his taxes this year, the IRS is investigating. I am court ordered to provide health insurance, which I do now that I am employed full time (he was covered under MA until July 1 of this year). This arrangement of the health insurance was due to the out of network expenses that would have resulted if he were to provide through his employment. I am not worried that he could take full custody, I am a good mother, I provide for my child and have always been the primary caregiver, to the point that in the first 6 months of our childs life, he change maybe a dozen diapers (saying "diapers are a mommy thing"), never gave baths and didn't help with any kind of entertainment for our child... preferring to stick him in the bouncy seat on the couch next to him only looking at him at commercials or when our son made too much noise.

Sorry for all of the background info, its long and convoluted (although I have given the "cliff notes" version while trying to keep all of the pertinent info in) but my questions are:

1) what is my obligation towards my sons father concerning updates, when he doesn't specifically ask?
2) what are my options at demanding supervised visitations in my hometown, since it would be traumatic to our child to be "exchanged" in the middle for "summer and Christmas maybe" visitation as he is demanding?
3) since there is no court order in place, he would have to file here in MN for any custody or visitation, but should I initiate to put down on paper with the court that I am the sole custodial parent and sole legal parent?
4) what would a reasonable long distance parenting plan include, being that our child is so young and doesn't know either his father or his girlfriend?
5) what are my options to stop her from communicating with me pretending to be him?

Thanks again, I wait on bated breath for your replies!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


Isis1

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MN,
Hello and thanks in advance for your help. I am a single mom of a 2 year old. My son's father is not involved.... this isn't to say that I don't hear from him, but its often 3-6 months in between communications and is always threats about how if I don't do what he wants me to, he's going to take me to court and take our son from me. Never asking about how our child is doing, never asks if there is anything that he needs... nothing.

1) what is my obligation towards my sons father concerning updates, when he doesn't specifically ask?
2) what are my options at demanding supervised visitations in my hometown, since it would be traumatic to our child to be "exchanged" in the middle for "summer and Christmas maybe" visitation as he is demanding?
3) since there is no court order in place, he would have to file here in MN for any custody or visitation, but should I initiate to put down on paper with the court that I am the sole custodial parent and sole legal parent?
4) what would a reasonable long distance parenting plan include, being that our child is so young and doesn't know either his father or his girlfriend?
5) what are my options to stop her from communicating with me pretending to be him?

Thanks again, I wait on bated breath for your replies!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
phew. that was a long thread. thank you for the white spaces, otherwise i wouldn't have even tried to read it. neither would most other seniors.

facts. son is two years old. dad has been established as dad as there is a child support order is in place. dad is payig child support as court ordered?

you do not have to do anything. dad is the one that needs to file with the courts so HE can have rights. stop answering e-mails. stop answering phone calls. you are not legally required to update dad on ANYTHING.

you should never demand, you should request the court to start off with supervised visitation, work a graduated visitation plan so eventually dad can establish a relationship so he can take the child on long overnight visits.

maybe i lost it in there somewhere....but how far away does dad live? in the same state?

ETA: caught WY as the state dad resides on...
 

Artemis_ofthe_Hunt

Senior Member
Yes he is paying child support on a monthly basis... as in once a month.... the order states that his payment is due by the 15th.... so far, he still hasn't paid this month and for the last three he was on nearly the last day of the month as well. :rolleyes:

His father lives in Wyoming state: my whole family lives here in MN. So, instead of being a welfare mom ( if you think jobs are hard to find where you are? Try Wyoming! the economy is really bad there)

I wouldn't presume to demand anything from a judge :eek:! Bad choice of words!

I haven't answered emails, and he has never called! My address and phone number as well as those of my family's have not changed in many, many years!

They do send gifts, always things I can't give to my son due to choking hazard warnings... most often two to three years in advance of how old he is!

Thanks again! :)
 

Artemis_ofthe_Hunt

Senior Member
oops....

as I was saying, instead of being a welfare mom there, I moved back here to my family and now have a good job, my whole family for moral support. !

Sorry about that!
 

Isis1

Senior Member
Yes he is paying child support on a monthly basis... as in once a month.... the order states that his payment is due by the 15th.... so far, he still hasn't paid this month and for the last three he was on nearly the last day of the month as well. :rolleyes:

His father lives in Wyoming state: my whole family lives here in MN. So, instead of being a welfare mom ( if you think jobs are hard to find where you are? Try Wyoming! the economy is really bad there)

I wouldn't presume to demand anything from a judge :eek:! Bad choice of words!

I haven't answered emails, and he has never called! My address and phone number as well as those of my family's have not changed in many, many years!

They do send gifts, always things I can't give to my son due to choking hazard warnings... most often two to three years in advance of how old he is!

Thanks again! :)

but he is paying. that is a good thing. alot of CP's gripe about not getting paid at all. and no, that's not a reason for him to get custody.


personally, if it were me, i'd tell him to bring it on. dad consented to you moving. he is making a choice of not involving himself in his child's life by not filing for his rights. don't let this man bully you. when you do, you are enabling his laziness.
 

Artemis_ofthe_Hunt

Senior Member
yes his paying is a good thing. There have been times however (and I am positive that there are other CP's out there with more difficult situations) when I just want to scream and wail and shout at him for being such a (fill in the blank). Its near to impossible for me to budget because of the closeness in bills vs income. Like to the point where I have to rob Peter to pay the daycare. I suppose all in all though, I am probably one of the lucky ones in that I have a roof over my head and a family to support me. I just wish that SHE would butt out and let him do this. I am positive that its her pushing him to do anything... IF he is doing any of it. I am not convinced that he knows about any of this. Since I haven't heard from him personally, and all of the packages come in her handwriting (we love you, we miss you, see you soon! *GAG*) its kind of hard to tell. I want to tell them that they don't need to write that since he can't read and all it is is a jab against me... but thankfully I have two little Jimminy Crickets on my shoulder telling me to calm down and breath!
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
yes his paying is a good thing. There have been times however (and I am positive that there are other CP's out there with more difficult situations) when I just want to scream and wail and shout at him for being such a (fill in the blank). Its near to impossible for me to budget because of the closeness in bills vs income. Like to the point where I have to rob Peter to pay the daycare. I suppose all in all though, I am probably one of the lucky ones in that I have a roof over my head and a family to support me. I just wish that SHE would butt out and let him do this. I am positive that its her pushing him to do anything... IF he is doing any of it. I am not convinced that he knows about any of this. Since I haven't heard from him personally, and all of the packages come in her handwriting (we love you, we miss you, see you soon! *GAG*) its kind of hard to tell. I want to tell them that they don't need to write that since he can't read and all it is is a jab against me... but thankfully I have two little Jimminy Crickets on my shoulder telling me to calm down and breath!
You really don't have much to worry about at this point. Its up to him to file if he wants to establish visitation/custody.
 

Artemis_ofthe_Hunt

Senior Member
ok, going back to several of the original questions though:

1) What would a long distance parenting plan entail considering the above factors (no personal relationship of our 2 year old)...

2) what if anything can I do to stop her from being the one to contact me? She is a legal stranger from my understanding of the statutes in both states.


and new question:

1) even without a legal obligation, what should I be doing or could be doing differently to make sure that the court will look at my previous actions in a positive light?

OG? CC? could you shed some light?

Also, not sure if I need to post a new thread, but I have lost sleep over this... as in weeks of sleep over the past year and a half. All of the threats that they have issued upon first glance have no substance to them, but I pour over statutes from both states thinking maybe they have found a loophole to either take my child from me or getting some type of residential custody of him by falsifying information to give to the court.

Let me be clear, however. I am in no way trying to keep our son from him, I am in no way attempting to alienate our child. I am merely attempting to do the right thing. He has only ever said (to me at least via email) that he wants our son if he's to continue paying child support in the amount he's already paying! I guess to my way of thinking, he only wants him because he'd rather get out of paying child support. He's even gone so far as to say that I'd be paying him child support in reference to his threat issued because I wasn't employed full time.

Thanks again! :rolleyes:
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
ok, going back to several of the original questions though:

1) What would a long distance parenting plan entail considering the above factors (no personal relationship of our 2 year old)...
There should be a few days of supervised visitation in the child's community. Then it should progress to unsupervised in child's community and then move to dad's community (all these days it should be increasing) until eventually dad gets over nights and then weekends.
2) what if anything can I do to stop her from being the one to contact me? She is a legal stranger from my understanding of the statutes in both states.
You tell her you will not talk to her regarding your child and that the child's father can call you. Then hang up. If she is really threatening or calling 20 or 30 times a day then file a complaint with the police.

and new question:

1) even without a legal obligation, what should I be doing or could be doing differently to make sure that the court will look at my previous actions in a positive light?
You should make sure that you are introducing your (plural) child to his father -- talk about him, show her pictures. Speak positively about him. YOU chose him after all and if he was good enough to have sex with then he should be good enough to speak pleasantly about.
OG? CC? could you shed some light?

Also, not sure if I need to post a new thread, but I have lost sleep over this... as in weeks of sleep over the past year and a half. All of the threats that they have issued upon first glance have no substance to them, but I pour over statutes from both states thinking maybe they have found a loophole to either take my child from me or getting some type of residential custody of him by falsifying information to give to the court.
Quit losing sleep. He may be entitled to joint custody. But unless you are doing something wrong he will not get primary custody.


Let me be clear, however. I am in no way trying to keep our son from him, I am in no way attempting to alienate our child. I am merely attempting to do the right thing. He has only ever said (to me at least via email) that he wants our son if he's to continue paying child support in the amount he's already paying! I guess to my way of thinking, he only wants him because he'd rather get out of paying child support. He's even gone so far as to say that I'd be paying him child support in reference to his threat issued because I wasn't employed full time.
First of all take child support out of the equation for custody. Custody should NOT be about child support. How have you introduced your son to his dad?


Thanks again! :rolleyes:
You are welcome? Umm rolling your eyes makes the thanks seem sarcastic.
 

Artemis_ofthe_Hunt

Senior Member
There should be a few days of supervised visitation in the child's community. Then it should progress to unsupervised in child's community and then move to dad's community (all these days it should be increasing) until eventually dad gets over nights and then weekends.
How long in between visitations would the progress be considered adequate?

You tell her you will not talk to her regarding your child and that the child's father can call you. Then hang up. If she is really threatening or calling 20 or 30 times a day then file a complaint with the police.

They NEVER call, not once in a year and a half... only about half a dozen emails in that time frame.


You should make sure that you are introducing your (plural) child to his father -- talk about him, show her pictures. Speak positively about him. YOU chose him after all and if he was good enough to have sex with then he should be good enough to speak pleasantly about.

Obviously (or not so obviously) he was good enough for father material... apparently I was wrong... HOWEVER, I don't have picture of him, I haven't introduced them since he's made no attempt to be here or send anything like that... as far as talking about him... there's really nothing to talk about! He doesn't ask about his child, he doesn't write letters to him, nothing. As far as gifts, I do tell him that this is from your dad when I can give them to him!


Quit losing sleep. He may be entitled to joint custody. But unless you are doing something wrong he will not get primary custody.



First of all take child support out of the equation for custody. Custody should NOT be about child support. How have you introduced your son to his dad?

I wish I could introduce them, it doesn't seem to be in the cards though, he thinks I am going to just bow down and meet him in the middle for "exchange" for summer and maybe Christmas. Like I am going to subject our child to being foisted off on someone he has no idea who he is! Traumatic to say the least! I know he has rights to our child just like I do, but doesn't my son have a right to feel safe?




You are welcome? Umm rolling your eyes makes the thanks seem sarcastic.
OOH! Sorry! I was more of the embarrassed to be asking! SORRY! Won't use that one again! :eek: that ones right!
 
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Just Blue

Senior Member
so I failed miserably in the attempt to quote and answer OG's questions... sorry everyone! :eek::eek::eek:


Nah...No miserably. But to quote properly, highlight the wanted section and click on the quote icon (little yellow box above the reply box.)

If you don't have a pic of your ex (which is weird considering you were engaged to him) e-mail him and ask him to send one so that son can have it next to his bed. Talk about his Dad...Things you all did together and such. Be positive.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
so I failed miserably in the attempt to quote and answer OG's questions... sorry everyone! :eek::eek::eek:
I understand what you were saying. Don't worry about it. you tried. Here is the thing -- a court would order a "get to know you" period for the child -- the court will NOT just decide to give the child to dad at the age of 2 for the entire summer. Though you need to do your part -- such as make sure the child knows that your current partner is NOT the child's father and that the child's father is such and such and one day you hope that the child and him will have a great relationship.
 

Artemis_ofthe_Hunt

Senior Member
I understand what you were saying. Don't worry about it. you tried. Here is the thing -- a court would order a "get to know you" period for the child -- the court will NOT just decide to give the child to dad at the age of 2 for the entire summer. Though you need to do your part -- such as make sure the child knows that your current partner is NOT the child's father and that the child's father is such and such and one day you hope that the child and him will have a great relationship.
ok, so I hope I just figured this out... Thanks OG!

My current BF doesn't live with us, my son calls him "sidsy" which is his approximation of his nickname and my son is too young at this point to even know what he is missing... as in he hasn't seen his dad since he was about 5and a half months old.... I don't have pics of his dad, or me for that matter or the both of us together because we both hate cameras... for different reasons. I think I have ONE and that is of the top of his head. On the other hand my son has had literally hundreds if not thousands of pictures taken of him!
 
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