Long story, but needing some advice please and thank you!

[dragonxfairy]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Michigan

I need a little bit of advice but also need to give some backstory to give more of everything going on help... My sons father and I have known each other for 7 years. Never dated, never been married, never anything but been a friends with benefits type thing.. I know it's not way to do things, but we were friends and close, especially since lasting 7 years. On and off, but mostly a good majority was always under good terms. I am close with his family even and they all know me and we get along.

ANYWAY, while I was pregnant he told me he was dating an ex that he had issues with prior. Together they kept pushing me to be okay with them and wanting me to basically let her in my child's life. My sons father took me to a good many doctor appointments, and even spent time with me while pregnant, even there through the whole labor and delivery and was super excited to be a dad. It was after I had our son everything has spiraled out of control. A friend of ours told him I was madly in love with him, which to be fair, I have always had feelings for him, just not as crazy as she made things sound. It wasn't until now those feelings were considered bad, all because of this girlfriend. Whom I have met twice.

Now, since our son has been born and home from the hospital he has seen him at most total of about 10 times because my guess the girlfriend fearing us around each other. Not even wanting to acknowledge us as friends or anything beyond parents. Our son is now 3months old and breastfed. His dad has spent at most an hour with him during those days and continues to now text me with attitude wanting to take our son for a day or overnight because he's now refusing to see him without her around. They are also now engaged and I am being threatened that if he sees my son and I don't pump enough milk when he has him that he will give him formula. I have told him that I refuse formula and will not let him take him for a day if he plans to. He hasn't taken him ever for a day, and I don't think I should as he barely knows his dad and I think he's much too young.

When our son was 6weeks he needed to be taken to emergency and his dad refused to take him, using the excuse he had no gas or money and didn't want to get sick. And now since I don't text him anything. No pictures, no updates and took him off Facebook he's mad. He won't ask how he's doing ever, he won't even ask about his doctor appointments. I don't find I should have to tell him everything. He should be able to communicate with me and not have to go through Facebook to find out. It also doesn't help that he will demand to see our son and not ask what is going on before figuring out if he can see him. He gets mad if I say we are busy, because he will ask the day of the day before and expects me to drop everything to let him see him, or let him take him for a few hours but when I have asked what time he will be picking him up, he will give me a time but won't give me a time he plans to bring him home because 'he doesnt know how long his visits will last' and will text when he's on his way back. That gives me the fear he won't bring him back.

I have resorted to supervised visits and he is now refusing those, and resorted to name calling and court threats, saying I am doing this or that because I won't let him take him for days or what have you. I'm not liking being intimidated and bullied and wondering if all this can be considered verbally abusive and harassing? He hasn't even bought our son anything beyond breastmilk bags so that he can take him. His new fiancé has also started telling his mother lies that I am mentally ill - I am close with his mother so I don't know why she thinks she's going to agree! She has been saying she is going to be my sons new mom and take over with guardianship and that I can't be trusted. Yet, he has done marijuana from the time we have met, and I don't think he will stop, as well he drinks a lot but can't necessarily say a drinking problem. I am not against either, but if I have to use them against him I will.

We have no court order and paternity has been established by Affadavit of Parentage, and in Michigan I believe when he signs that I have full custody unless court changes that, right? I am curious what stands in Michigan with step parents. And if I am in the wrong for keeping him away when he's threatening formula? Is their anything I should know or do? Will they look into the fact he hasn't bought him anything or provided or seen him much or taken him to appointments and such if we were to go to court? I have lots of proof via text messages.

 

[Ladyback1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?. And if I am in the wrong for keeping him away when he's threatening formula?

Not going to get into the "mothers milk" vs. formula debate...

Babies have done well on formula for years. Babies do well on pumped milk as well.

No judge or family court is going to give your refusal because of parenting styles much thought (unless there is an extremely significant reason for only your milk only)

You should move on from any romantic ideas with Dad.

And you are fairly new to mommyhood. As hard as it seems with all the drama swirling around, but enjoy your child. Babies are such wonderful, marvelous, amazing, fun, little bundles! Take some deep breathes. Focus on what is important (the baby and taking care of yourself).

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Michigan

I need a little bit of advice but also need to give some backstory to give more of everything going on help... My sons father and I have known each other for 7 years. Never dated, never been married, never anything but been a friends with benefits type thing.. I know it's not way to do things, but we were friends and close, especially since lasting 7 years. On and off, but mostly a good majority was always under good terms. I am close with his family even and they all know me and we get along.

ANYWAY, while I was pregnant he told me he was dating an ex that he had issues with prior. Together they kept pushing me to be okay with them and wanting me to basically let her in my child's life. My sons father took me to a good many doctor appointments, and even spent time with me while pregnant, even there through the whole labor and delivery and was super excited to be a dad. It was after I had our son everything has spiraled out of control. A friend of ours told him I was madly in love with him, which to be fair, I have always had feelings for him, just not as crazy as she made things sound. It wasn't until now those feelings were considered bad, all because of this girlfriend. Whom I have met twice.

Now, since our son has been born and home from the hospital he has seen him at most total of about 10 times because my guess the girlfriend fearing us around each other. Not even wanting to acknowledge us as friends or anything beyond parents. Our son is now 3months old and breastfed. His dad has spent at most an hour with him during those days and continues to now text me with attitude wanting to take our son for a day or overnight because he's now refusing to see him without her around. They are also now engaged and I am being threatened that if he sees my son and I don't pump enough milk when he has him that he will give him formula. I have told him that I refuse formula and will not let him take him for a day if he plans to. He hasn't taken him ever for a day, and I don't think I should as he barely knows his dad and I think he's much too young.

When our son was 6weeks he needed to be taken to emergency and his dad refused to take him, using the excuse he had no gas or money and didn't want to get sick. And now since I don't text him anything. No pictures, no updates and took him off Facebook he's mad. He won't ask how he's doing ever, he won't even ask about his doctor appointments. I don't find I should have to tell him everything. He should be able to communicate with me and not have to go through Facebook to find out. It also doesn't help that he will demand to see our son and not ask what is going on before figuring out if he can see him. He gets mad if I say we are busy, because he will ask the day of the day before and expects me to drop everything to let him see him, or let him take him for a few hours but when I have asked what time he will be picking him up, he will give me a time but won't give me a time he plans to bring him home because 'he doesnt know how long his visits will last' and will text when he's on his way back. That gives me the fear he won't bring him back.

I have resorted to supervised visits and he is now refusing those, and resorted to name calling and court threats, saying I am doing this or that because I won't let him take him for days or what have you. I'm not liking being intimidated and bullied and wondering if all this can be considered verbally abusive and harassing? He hasn't even bought our son anything beyond breastmilk bags so that he can take him. His new fiancé has also started telling his mother lies that I am mentally ill - I am close with his mother so I don't know why she thinks she's going to agree! She has been saying she is going to be my sons new mom and take over with guardianship and that I can't be trusted. Yet, he has done marijuana from the time we have met, and I don't think he will stop, as well he drinks a lot but can't necessarily say a drinking problem. I am not against either, but if I have to use them against him I will.

We have no court order and paternity has been established by Affadavit of Parentage, and in Michigan I believe when he signs that I have full custody unless court changes that, right? I am curious what stands in Michigan with step parents. And if I am in the wrong for keeping him away when he's threatening formula? Is their anything I should know or do?

What this boils down to is that he's not even the father and he has no rights at all. Forget stepparents at this point - concentrate on your child and getting used to have absolutely no sleep at night

One other thing. Pot and alcohol use won't mean a thing unless he's either got a trail of convictions behind him or his use is endangering the child.

 

[Proserpina]

Not going to get into the "mothers milk" vs. formula debate...

Babies have done well on formula for years. Babies do well on pumped milk as well.

No judge or family court is going to give your refusal because of parenting styles much thought (unless there is an extremely significant reason for only your milk only)

You should move on from any romantic ideas with Dad.

And you are fairly new to mommyhood. As hard as it seems with all the drama swirling around, but enjoy your child. Babies are such wonderful, marvelous, amazing, fun, little bundles! Take some deep breathes. Focus on what is important (the baby and taking care of yourself).

He's not even Dad yet....

 

[dragonxfairy]

What this boils down to is that he's not even the father .

But he IS his father. Or am I confused on what you're saying?

 

[Proserpina]

But he IS his father. Or am I confused on what you're saying?

Don't worry. I completely misread that line. Sorry.

Okay, so he's Dad - and if he wants visitation, he can file for it himself. You can also file.

 

[dragonxfairy]

Don't worry. I completely misread that line. Sorry.

Okay, so he's Dad - and if he wants visitation, he can file for it himself. You can also file.

Got it. I was going to say, I have no idea what you're saying, lol! I know I can file, but I will let him if he wants it so bad, yet isn't even barely trying now, ya know? The only reason I believe he wants anything to do with our son is because the fiancé isn't able to have anymore children and always wanted a child with him as well.. My son is too young for overnights or day visits am I wrong? I guess I am a firm believer he should bond more with his son and take time with him instead of jumping to all things with his new fiancé and adding her into his life right away?

 

[dragonxfairy]

You should move on from any romantic ideas with Dad.

No, I know. I have moved past them. I also know that formula isn't horrible, I just don't like the rush of not letting me pump milk for him and wanting to push formula on him because they want him that bad without seeing him regularly? And no worries! I am taking in mommyhood. I love it! And I love him each and everyday more and more! :]

 

[Proserpina]

Got it. I was going to say, I have no idea what you're saying, lol! I know I can file, but I will let him if he wants it so bad, yet isn't even barely trying now, ya know? The only reason I believe he wants anything to do with our son is because the fiancé isn't able to have anymore children and always wanted a child with him as well.. My son is too young for overnights or day visits am I wrong? I guess I am a firm believer he should bond more with his son and take time with him instead of jumping to all things with his new fiancé and adding her into his life right away?

There are two trains of thought here.

The first and most important is about the legalities. Overnights can be ordered virtually immediately (or after a few weeks, anyway). On the other side, some courts - the Indiana Parenting Guidelines come to mind - strongly support the notion of small, frequent visits eventually leading up to overnights.

(I know you're not in Indiana - but that's the one that always springs to mind)

The second train of thought is more about how the parents feel about it. Some strenuously object to instant overnights being ordered. Others are of the mindset that the best way to introduce the child to his father is have Dad take him overnight. Some believe it's best to get introductions all done and dusted before the first diaper change, and others who strongly believe that Mom and child should be left alone to bond first.

I know which way I tend to go, but this isn't about my preferences.

 

[stealth2]

But he IS his father. Or am I confused on what you're saying?

Not legally, he's not.

Just how old are the three of you? 'Cause this is all HS drama, reading it.

 

[Ohiogal]

Not legally, he's not.

Just how old are the three of you? 'Cause this is all HS drama, reading it.

Actuall,y he signed the AOP so he is LEGALLY the child's father -- the baby is three months old and after 60 days he cannot rescind it. But he does not have any legally enforceable rights.

 

[stealth2]

Actuall,y he signed the AOP so he is LEGALLY the child's father -- the baby is three months old and after 60 days he cannot rescind it. But he does not have any legally enforceable rights.

I must have missed that in the novel. (that he signed the AOP). I stand by the HS drama.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Michigan is my thing here. The courts DO take into consideration breast feeding until the age of one or if it is discontinued prior to then. With that said, it is thought that frequent visits are good for small children rather than longer, but less frequent. Dad spends shorter time but has them more frequently. What you would ask for is a graduated parenting plan that changes as a child gets older.

The guidelines:
http://courts.mi.gov/administration/scao/resources/documents/publications/manuals/focb/pt_gdlns.pdf

With that said, here is some advice:
* I worked full time and my child was exclusively fed with breast milk. You need a good pump - think a double Medela pump. You pump after you feed the child to build up your milk supply. You feed every time a child misses a feeding (with dad/ slept through it). Breast milk freezes. I dated mine and rotated stock.

* Join a La Leche group - they can give you sage advice on how to handle separations, feeding problems, etc.

* The courts do NOT care one whit whether dad provided money/ etc for anything that is not court ordered. Forget using in court that he didn't gift you any money.

* Until there is a parenting plan that is court ordered, you do call the shots.

* You can file for child support. If dad wants a parenting plan, then let file for one. If you are low income, there is assistance there. Most of the court houses now have self help centers to help you get things filed.

And seriously, most of what I read was high school drama. You are a parent now. Move on. Make a new life. You no longer have the luxury of thinking it is just dad and you being parents because, well, you are not together.

 

[dragonxfairy]

Not legally, he's not.

Just how old are the three of you? 'Cause this is all HS drama, reading it.

I am 31, he is 34 and the fiance is in her 40s. I didn't mean to make it sound like HS drama, just telling it as it is. I now feel like a bad guy or something.. I don't know what I did so wrong when I'm trying to do the best for my son...

 

[dragonxfairy]

I wasn't trying to make it seem like drama at all, just telling the situation as it is. I am not keeping his son from him and have told him plenty of times he can see him as he wishes, my sister whom we reside with though has requested that the new fiance not be in our home. All I asked him for was a couple days notice, but now after his father is the one that chose to only see him the 10 total times since birth, he wants me to let him take him out of our home for a whole day or overnight, I just don't see how I'm supposed to be okay with that when he refuses to tell me what time he will be back so I know how much to pump and save for him.

I am no longer in love with him, nor have feelings for him beyond the attachment of our son. We do have a child support plan in action, I just wondered if buying such things for our son, not me would matter. Hence, diapers etc. Furthermore, I do have a pump and have used it. He just is refusing to take a bottle - I have tried a good few times since he was 6weeks. His father expects me to pump and use all 20 some bags he gave me and then give him all of them.. He hasn't even tried coming over to give him a bottle, nor will he change diapers when he does visit.

I have also tried getting him to see him more, but he refuses without the fiance present.. I have given up on any sort of family situation, I just was telling the story again. I, now feel like a bad guy here.. I just didn't know what to do or what I had to stand on, since I keep getting made to feel like I'm doing this all wrong! I want him to have his dad in his life, but not at the expense at feeling like I'm being a terrible mother. Sigh...