Medical issue

[escape2paradise]

What is the name of your state? WA

How is joint medical handled? My DD needs a tonsillectomy. X knows she has had strep problems in past and that this year it is out of control. Do I just inform X and assume it is kosher if he doesn't object or do I have to ask permission?

Some of you know my situation, raised DD by myself for 13+ yrs. no orders, no child support. X has visited with DD through the years, but has taken no parenting responsibilities. X filed for custody 1/07. X is in the crapper with the court and now has no visitation. We have a temp order and at the time the order was put in place my attorney said all I have to do is inform X when taking DD to doctor etc...Of course we didn't figure on major decisions and I read the order as joint decisions for medical.

I am waiting on input from attorney, but he is taking forever as he is "in the middle of a big case" according to his paralegal assistant.

 

[wileybunch]

You need to inform, but I don't think you need his approval since you are the residential parent. (If he were to disagree, he could always file an emergency motion if he wanted to block it -- not saying it would be granted.)

 

[Ohiogal]

Listen to your attorney.

 

[nextwife]

Please seek a second opinion first!

A tonsellectomy is more major surgery than may be needed. Has DD been getting flu shots each year?

 

[escape2paradise]

The order is hand written by my attorney and states "10. Joint decision-making on non-emergency health care or education decisions."

I am a little more than perturbed in reading it. This order was an agreed order and I specifically told my attorney I did not want joint decision making. He assured me at the time that I would only have to notify X of medical appts. etc... Which I have no problem letting him know what is going on with medical or school. I have no problem with him obtaining all the info he wants. What I do have a problem with is asking his permission.

The X has never been involved in any of the responsibilities of parenting by his own choice. I tried to get him to be involved when she was little and he was too busy partying to care. All he ever wanted was visitation once in a while and to leave all the details up to me. He has never been involved with any of her medical, I bet he doesn't even know the name of her doctor that she has seen since she was 4 yrs old. He doesn't have any involvement in her schooling. He has never met one of her teachers. He has maybe been to two school functions in her whole life. The second one of which he showed up 30 minutes late and saw the last 30 seconds of DD's christmas program.

 

[Bloopy]

I would politely “ask” more by telling.

This isn’t your ex’s fault. Your lawyer didn’t sufficiently protect your interests. You agreed to an order that you didn’t read thoroughly.

I know you’re venting, but his lack of involvement doesn’t mean he’s out to make things difficult for you. You may be surprised by his response.

 

[escape2paradise]

Listen to your attorney.

I always do, I just want to see how joint decision making is generally handled. I read the order to say that I have to make the decision jointly. Will I have to send him a letter and ask him to agree or can I just assume he agrees once I give him all the info and he doesn't object? If I send him the info I don't see him raising a stink. I doubt he realizes it is in the order. On the other hand if I ask him he will surely make a huge deal out of it. He is pretty low right now, his attorney dumped him, the court is requiring drug testing that he won't comply with, he has no visitation. If I have to ask, he will know I had to and it will surely send him on a power trip.

 

[escape2paradise]

I would politely “ask” more by telling.

This isn’t your ex’s fault. Your lawyer didn’t sufficiently protect your interests. You agreed to an order that you didn’t read thoroughly.

I know you’re venting, but his lack of involvement doesn’t mean he’s out to make things difficult for you. You may be surprised by his response.

I realize you don't know the background here, he is definitely out to make my life difficult. He has dug himself a hole with the court, doesn't comply with many areas of the order and of course that is all my fault. The GAL says he's a liar, the judge says the child needs protection from him. This is all my fault of course. The X has made false abuse allegation afer allegation, called CPS etc...all unfounded. The latest allegation is that I am an alcoholic. Yeah, he started it, it is all falling down around him and he just can't stop himself.

 

[escape2paradise]

Please seek a second opinion first!

A tonsellectomy is more major surgery than may be needed. Has DD been getting flu shots each year?

We were referred to an Ear Nose Throat doctor by the pediatrician. The specialist said it is not absolutely necessary, it won't kill her. However, DD has had strep 5 times in the last 3 months. The last bout required three rounds of different antibiotics and finally got rid of the strep, but the tonsils are still swollen. DD is miserable and after years of having strep so many times she just wants to be done. She realizes it will be painful, but thinks it will be better than the constant pain.

She doesn't get flu shots. Can that help her from getting bacterial infections such as strep and tonsilitis?

 

[Bloopy]

I realize you don't know the background here, he is definitely out to make my life difficult. He has dug himself a hole with the court, doesn't comply with many areas of the order and of course that is all my fault. The GAL says he's a liar, the judge says the child needs protection from him. This is all my fault of course. The X has made false abuse allegation afer allegation, called CPS etc...all unfounded. The latest allegation is that I am an alcoholic. Yeah, he started it, it is all falling down around him and he just can't stop himself.

I understand and it all sucks.

On this issue, it was your lawyer that screwed you. Your Ex hasn’t refused yet. You could get an emergency motion as Wileybunch suggested if he does try to stop the tonsillectomy. He'd better do his homework, as would you.

If dad interferes with meeting her medical needs, and you have other new information that is relevant, you may have grounds for modifying the joint decision making order. You have the GAL as an ally it seems. Let him hang himself.

 

[Bloopy]

We were referred to an Ear Nose Throat doctor by the pediatrician. The specialist said it is not absolutely necessary, it won't kill her.

She doesn't get flu shots. Can that help her from getting bacterial infections such as strep and tonsilitis?

I don’t know about flu shots helping prevent strep. They are both bacterial infections… I just don’t think they are similar enough for the flu shot to be beneficial against strep.

What did the ENT suggest as an alternative?

I’m personally pro flu shot and resistant to tonsillectomies unless a lot of alternatives have been tried. It sound that you may have been there, done that.

 

[escape2paradise]

I understand and it all sucks.

On this issue, it was your lawyer that screwed you. Your Ex hasn’t refused yet. You could get an emergency motion as Wileybunch suggested if he does try to stop the tonsillectomy. He'd better do his homework, as would you.

If dad interferes with meeting her medical needs, and you have other new information that is relevant, you may have grounds for modifying the joint decision making order. You have the GAL as an ally it seems. Let him hang himself.

I understand my attorney probably screwed up here. The way he explained it to me then was that the wording had to be included for when DD was with X and would allow him to get emergency treatment for her. Now looking at it that doesn't make sense to me.

I am not worried X will say no, just that it will revive the fight in him. I don't even think the X cares, just that he would use the issue to torment me a bit. The order is temporary so I am not worried about changing it. It will be changed soon enough.

I thought the flu was viral. I would put the whole thing off if she weren't still swollen. I am so hoping the notification wording will suffice.

 

[LdiJ]

I don’t know about flu shots helping prevent strep. They are both bacterial infections… I just don’t think they are similar enough for the flu shot to be beneficial against strep.

What did the ENT suggest as an alternative?

I’m personally pro flu shot and resistant to tonsillectomies unless a lot of alternatives have been tried. It sound that you may have been there, done that.

Flu isn't a bacterial infection, its a virus. A flu shot is of no help when it comes to strep infections.

 

[LdiJ]

I understand my attorney probably screwed up here. The way he explained it to me then was that the wording had to be included for when DD was with X and would allow him to get emergency treatment for her. Now looking at it that doesn't make sense to me.

I am not worried X will say no, just that it will revive the fight in him. I don't even think the X cares, just that he would use the issue to torment me a bit. The order is temporary so I am not worried about changing it. It will be changed soon enough.

I thought the flu was viral. I would put the whole thing off if she weren't still swollen. I am so hoping the notification wording will suffice.

I think that you are over-reacting to the situation. Simply notify him (don't ask his permission, just notify him) and if he has a problem with it let him say so. If he does say so, then ever so civilly give him the contact information for the child's doctors.

 

[nextwife]

IMHO, NO surgery that requires a child to be under general anesthesia should be undertaken without a second opinion, and If I were dad OR mom, I'd feel every right to demand it before proceeding..