Misc. Issues- Sole custody/Visitation Issues/Uncooperative NCP

[NMMomof3]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NM
Ex and I have joint legal custody with me having "primary physical custody and control" of the kids. We live in different states, me in the midwest, ex on the east coast. Children are 11 and 12 years.

I have been having a lot of issues with my ex-husband. He recently requested extra summer visitation time, which I agreed to some extra time, but not the amount he was asking for. Now, he is very upset with me and telling me he will be taking the kids for X amount of time as he wishes which is clearly against the court order. Court order is very specific about amount of time ex gets.

Due to this, and other issues, I have made an appt. with the lawyer to decide what action to take. Quite honestly, ex is a very difficult person to compromise/coparent with. I try my best, and put up with his nonsense for the sake of the kids, but it is really going to far.

He will not cooperate with me in parenting our children. He refuses to send insurance information, argues over every little medical expense for our children, belittles me in e-mail, has told me I will not have contact with our children over his summer visitation (in e-mail), has told me he has told the kids that if they "want extra time with daddy, they need to take it up with mommy" (in e-mail), has told me he is going to "unload on the kids about me" (in e-mail), he has cussed me out in e-mail, he sometimes e-mails up to 20 times a day to go on and on about nothing, and that is just the start. During his visitations he has cussed our son, cussed about me to our children, called our son white trash, and called to tell me he was going to send our son home. Last summer, son asked to come home and told ex he didn't want to visit him. (son did stay of course)

Recently, I requested he fill out passport applications, told him I would pay for passports and that he too could benefit from them as well. He disagreed with getting passports, telling me "you have no sense of direction, you won't be taking my kids out of country." (in e-mail)

I am assuming a judge can do something about the passport issue... But what about the rest? It's not like ex can be ordered to coparent. Honestly, I just want to be able to get the things done that need to be done in regards to our children. I've considered asking the lawyer about sole custody, but I don't know what the guidelines for that would be...any advice?

 

[Ohiogal]

You are aware that having a passport does NOT equate to permission to take the children out of country, right?

Also you have not mentioned anything that should deprive dad the right of having custody still. He hasn't actually defied the court order but has just stated he would, correct? What proof do you have about what he has said to your son? Are your children in counseling?

 

[stealth2]

I am assuming a judge can do something about the passport issue... But what about the rest? It's not like ex can be ordered to coparent. Honestly, I just want to be able to get the things done that need to be done in regards to our children. I've considered asking the lawyer about sole custody, but I don't know what the guidelines for that would be...any advice?

The court can order that neither of you badmouth the other. But it is a difficult thing to prove w/o dragging the kids into it. Being awarded sole custody won't change that. The best thing you can do is refuse to fall into the game he's playing.

If the kids tell you he said X, Y and Z about you? Respond with a variation of "Well, people say a lot of things they don't mean when they're angry or upset. That doesn't make it the truth." Or... (and this was one I preferred) "You know... every person sees the same situation differently. Kind of like when you two fight - both of you think the other one was wrong. And you both feel that your version is "The Truth". But really? "The Truth" is somewhere in between. It's kind of like that with Dad and me. Neither of us are totally right, and neither is totally wrong. "The Truth" is somewhere in between. Neither of us is - or was - perfect."

 

[NMMomof3]

You are aware that having a passport does NOT equate to permission to take the children out of country, right?

Also you have not mentioned anything that should deprive dad the right of having custody still. He hasn't actually defied the court order but has just stated he would, correct? What proof do you have about what he has said to your son? Are your children in counseling?

Thank you for your reply. I am aware that I will also need a letter of consent for travel abroad when I do take the children, I want to have it worked into the court order as well. Have a friend who has verbage in her court order that if ex does not provide the letter by xyz date prior to the trip, he must pay for all costs of the trip being cancelled. I am hoping to have a similar clause.

I don't want to deprive the father of custody or visitation. I just want to have sole decision making rights as he is so uncooperative. I am not even against reviewing the visitation plan (although he did agree/help devise this one only three years ago with the help of our lawyers.).

Maybe sole custody isn't what I want... Is there a way to have sole decision making authority but not sole custody? Is it possible to request kids are carried on my husband's insurance to make that easier in regards to gaining insurance info? That way I can have access to it since I take kids to all appts., and ex can have access to their specific insurance information.


As far as what has been said to my son, it was also said in front of my daughter. They tell the same "story" so I believe it to be true. Ex is very hot-headed. They are not in counseling at this time, although I have considered it, I do not believe I can enroll them in counseling without ex's permission and that is not going to be happening.

 

[NMMomof3]

The court can order that neither of you badmouth the other. But it is a difficult thing to prove w/o dragging the kids into it. Being awarded sole custody won't change that. The best thing you can do is refuse to fall into the game he's playing.

If the kids tell you he said X, Y and Z about you? Respond with a variation of "Well, people say a lot of things they don't mean when they're angry or upset. That doesn't make it the truth." Or... (and this was one I preferred) "You know... every person sees the same situation differently. Kind of like when you two fight - both of you think the other one was wrong. And you both feel that your version is "The Truth". But really? "The Truth" is somewhere in between. It's kind of like that with Dad and me. Neither of us are totally right, and neither is totally wrong. "The Truth" is somewhere in between. Neither of us is - or was - perfect."

Thank you, you give some very good advice.

I have had the talk with my kids about different people having different viewpoints, and I did tell them just because one person feels a certain way and other doesn't, doesn't make either one of them more right then wrong. I also told them parents are not perfect, that they will have their own children one day and see this themselves...and look back and see what they liked and what they would change.

It's already in our court order about the bad mouthing, guess it is something one can never really enforce. All I can do on that end is keep ensuring I do not badmouth my ex and press on.

Just wish I could find an easier way to deal with all of this...

 

[mistoffolees]

Thank you for your reply. I am aware that I will also need a letter of consent for travel abroad when I do take the children, I want to have it worked into the court order as well. Have a friend who has verbage in her court order that if ex does not provide the letter by xyz date prior to the trip, he must pay for all costs of the trip being cancelled. I am hoping to have a similar clause.

That's entirely possible, but not all judges will order it. The biggest issue is that if there's any risk of a parent fleeing the country with a child, the court will not encourage that by forcing the other parent to sign a permission letter.

I don't want to deprive the father of custody or visitation. I just want to have sole decision making rights as he is so uncooperative. I am not even against reviewing the visitation plan (although he did agree/help devise this one only three years ago with the help of our lawyers.).

Not going to happen. It doesn't matter if Dad is hard to deal with (I'll bet you $100 that he says that YOU are hard to deal with, too). Parents have a legal right to custody unless there is some significant reason why it's better for one parent to have sole legal custody. And you haven't given any reason to believe that you're even close to that.

Maybe sole custody isn't what I want... Is there a way to have sole decision making authority but not sole custody? Is it possible to request kids are carried on my husband's insurance to make that easier in regards to gaining insurance info? That way I can have access to it since I take kids to all appts., and ex can have access to their specific insurance information.

You are not entitled to sole decision making authority. He's the father - and has the same rights as you do.

As for insurance, you can certainly request it, but it could have an impact on the amount of CS you receive.

As far as what has been said to my son, it was also said in front of my daughter. They tell the same "story" so I believe it to be true. Ex is very hot-headed. They are not in counseling at this time, although I have considered it, I do not believe I can enroll them in counseling without ex's permission and that is not going to be happening.

What makes you think that counseling is necessary?

Is there a good medical reason? Has counseling been suggested by the school counselor?

Lots of kids listen to Dad bad-mouthing Mom or vice versa without needing counseling.



Note: I read 'husband' as 'ex-husband' in my insurance response. As OG says, the court can't order the current husband to carry insurance.

 

[Ohiogal]

The court CAN NOT order your husband to have the children insured. INsurance would be ordered to be carried by a PARENT to the children and NOT a legal stranger.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NM
Ex and I have joint legal custody with me having "primary physical custody and control" of the kids. We live in different states, me in the midwest, ex on the east coast. Children are 11 and 12 years.

I have been having a lot of issues with my ex-husband. He recently requested extra summer visitation time, which I agreed to some extra time, but not the amount he was asking for. Now, he is very upset with me and telling me he will be taking the kids for X amount of time as he wishes which is clearly against the court order. Court order is very specific about amount of time ex gets.

Due to this, and other issues, I have made an appt. with the lawyer to decide what action to take. Quite honestly, ex is a very difficult person to compromise/coparent with. I try my best, and put up with his nonsense for the sake of the kids, but it is really going to far.

He will not cooperate with me in parenting our children. He refuses to send insurance information, argues over every little medical expense for our children, belittles me in e-mail, has told me I will not have contact with our children over his summer visitation (in e-mail), has told me he has told the kids that if they "want extra time with daddy, they need to take it up with mommy" (in e-mail), has told me he is going to "unload on the kids about me" (in e-mail), he has cussed me out in e-mail, he sometimes e-mails up to 20 times a day to go on and on about nothing, and that is just the start. During his visitations he has cussed our son, cussed about me to our children, called our son white trash, and called to tell me he was going to send our son home. Last summer, son asked to come home and told ex he didn't want to visit him. (son did stay of course)

Recently, I requested he fill out passport applications, told him I would pay for passports and that he too could benefit from them as well. He disagreed with getting passports, telling me "you have no sense of direction, you won't be taking my kids out of country." (in e-mail)

I am assuming a judge can do something about the passport issue... But what about the rest? It's not like ex can be ordered to coparent. Honestly, I just want to be able to get the things done that need to be done in regards to our children. I've considered asking the lawyer about sole custody, but I don't know what the guidelines for that would be...any advice?

Sole custody would not take away his visitation and would not make him behave like a reasonable co-parent. Therefore its not of much practical benefit to you...even if you could convince a judge that dad shouldn't have imput into major decisions for the children.

Yes, a judge can order him to sign the passport applications, or even order that you can get passports for the children without dad's signature. A judge could also give you final decision making rights if you and dad cannot agree on something.

I think that your plan to talk to an attorney is wise. The attorney will know better the climate of the courts.

 

[mistoffolees]

The court CAN NOT order your husband to have the children insured. INsurance would be ordered to be carried by a PARENT to the children and NOT a legal stranger.

Oops - my mistake. I read it as 'ex-husband'.

You are, of course, correct. The court can't order her current husband to do anything. He can choose to do so if he wishes - and it might affect CS, but it can't be ordered.

 

[Mom_of_Two]

Thank you for your reply. I am aware that I will also need a letter of consent for travel abroad when I do take the children, I want to have it worked into the court order as well. Have a friend who has verbage in her court order that if ex does not provide the letter by xyz date prior to the trip, he must pay for all costs of the trip being cancelled. I am hoping to have a similar clause.

I don't want to deprive the father of custody or visitation. I just want to have sole decision making rights as he is so uncooperative. I am not even against reviewing the visitation plan (although he did agree/help devise this one only three years ago with the help of our lawyers.).

Maybe sole custody isn't what I want... Is there a way to have sole decision making authority but not sole custody? Is it possible to request kids are carried on my husband's insurance to make that easier in regards to gaining insurance info? That way I can have access to it since I take kids to all appts., and ex can have access to their specific insurance information.


As far as what has been said to my son, it was also said in front of my daughter. They tell the same "story" so I believe it to be true. Ex is very hot-headed. They are not in counseling at this time, although I have considered it, I do not believe I can enroll them in counseling without ex's permission and that is not going to be happening.

Does OP need to involve the courts to have her husband's insurance cover her children if he freely chooses to? I know that even though my ex is court ordered to cover our son, my husband has much better insurance and covers him also.

 

[mistoffolees]

Does OP need to involve the courts to have her husband's insurance cover her children if he freely chooses to? I know that even though my ex is court ordered to cover our son, my husband has much better insurance and covers him also.

No. If her husband's plan allows him to cover the children and he chooses to do so, there's no rule against it and she doesn't need to involve the courts at all.

 

[NMMomof3]

No. If her husband's plan allows him to cover the children and he chooses to do so, there's no rule against it and she doesn't need to involve the courts at all.

Both my husband and my ex-husband are military. I know the kids can be covered under my husband, but the court order does say my ex should carry the insurance? Do you think that this is still something I can do with no issue?

I think if I could resolve some of these smaller issues that will leave less for ex and I to communicate about.

 

[msmom22000]

If they're both military, then no, your children cannot be covered under both. Only one of them can enroll them into DEERS at any given time. If you enroll them under your husband's DEERS, they will be un-enrolled from your EX.
Since your EX is military, you do at least have options of getting the information. Your children are entitled to Military ID cards, due to you being divorced, even if they are not at least 10.

ETA...went back and read again. I see they are both over 10. They are both entitled to ID cards either way. If your ex is not cooperating, go to his command to have them compel him to get you the forms to take them to the Pass and ID office and obtain the ID cards.

 

[NMMomof3]

They kids do have ID cards and are enrolled in DEERS under their dad right now. I have provided the proper offices with copy of court order to prove my right to info. However, my main issues are with Tricare themselves. I have access to info, but I cannot access it online. So if I need a referral printed from online, I have to ask ex, and he always declines. I just think having kids enrolled under my husband would be much easier. I am the type to keep my ex informed of everything medical/insur. related as it is his right to know. I know I would keep him informed of anything regardless if my husband had the insur. on the kids. I wonder how all that would work though. Tricare did tell me I could enroll them under my husband, I just don't want to rock the boat with my ex so to speak.