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  1. #1
    daddycounts2 is offline Junior Member
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    Mom won't let me see or talk to our daughter

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Hampshire

    I live in WI now, but our case is in NH. My daughter is 10 and still live in NH with her mother, I haven't seen her for over a year now.

    When my family and I moved out here to WI, my daughters mom and I came to a verbal agreement that my daughter could spend the summers here and eventually school vacations as well. Last summer our daughter did get to come visit us for 2 months, but this summer mom said no.

    Mom has full custody, established when our daughter was 3. I didn't get to see my daughter until she was 3, and since then we have established our relationship. Until I moved out here to WI I had my daughter either every weekend or every other weekend for years. Her mom and I don't get along too well and don't see eye to eye on a lot, we've gotten past this before, but now we're fighting again. I admit my temper has gotten the best of me with her and I've sent her some nasty emails in the past, which she holds a grudge and uses our daughter against me for. She's just SO controlling and I've gotten so frustrated because I have NO say in our daughters life. And now she won't let me see her and she's not answering my calls.

    I have filed court actions and our court date is in November. I can't afford a lawyer, I can hardly afford this trip. I pay my child support and have steadily for years now. Her Mom mentioned on a phone call that she plans on going after me for an increase too because she snooped on me online and noticed I made a campaign contribution.

    I'm not a perfect parent but I'm not abusive. I want legal rights to my daughter so that I know when her Mom and I aren't getting along she can't just shut me out. Is living in a different state going to hinder this? Will my emails be used against me? What are the chances I can overturn this full custody status, get legal joint, and see my daughter again?

    I feel I should mention she did have my daughter call me once right when she was served her papers to ask me questions about why I'm taking them to court. I found this inappropriate. But since then, a couple months ago now, she refuses to answer or return my phone calls. She just had the court date moved to a month from when it was originally planned. I would like to spend some time with my daughter while I'm out there and phoned her to organize this, but she just refuses to call me back.

    Thank you.
  2. #2
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Go to court and show that you have had a relationship with your daughter and mom sent her to see you for two months a summer ago. Explain that you are looking for a long distance visitation plan. Deltabravo.net has some examples as might the court's website in the county that has jurisdiction. Look at those items. When it comes to child support, if your income has increased your child support may change.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  3. #3
    daddycounts2 is offline Junior Member
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    Today I got a certified letter in the mail, I guess Mom was late filing a response and submitted one...I don't really get it.

    Anyway, she is requesting all kinds of things. Like that I need to take parenting classes and anger management, and my visits with my daughter will need to be supervised. My daughter is 10 and I've had unsupervised visits for 6 years now, can she pull this off?

    As I said, she refused to give me anything in writing but she did say that she would let me have our daughter for the Summers. I now know I made a mistake just trusting her, but we were on good terms for a while so I thought I could. She now denies ever making this verbal agreement.

    I wanted our daughter to get therapy for a long time because she has behavioral issues and showed signs of ADHD which I suffered from and still somewhat do. She refused to let me have a therapist see her here when our daughter visited me for a couple months 2 Summers ago. Over the years she has always told me she'd seek therapy for our daughter but never did. NOW though, on her response, she says she has our daughter in therapy and she HAS been diagnosed with ADHD, and that it would be bad for her to stop getting her therapy and have to adjust to being with me for long periods of time. This is crazy.

    I haven't seen my daughter for over a year now! She says that I don't show I care because I don't call enough. That is no reason to deny me any visitation!

    Should I bring witnesses to show that I have had unsupervised visitations all of these years? My court date is in a little less than a month, I have no attorney nor can I afford one.

    I called to arrange to spend time with our daughter while I'm out there and she said no, she wants to wait for the outcome of the court date. She won't let me talk to her, she says that I upset her and talk about inappropriate things. This is not true at all! She is fabricating things now and it's just her word against mine now.

    I went to the site you recommended and printed out a parenting plan and I'm working on putting together a plan I think is fair. I moved here to WI because I have a younger Son and his mothers family is out here. I have no family out by my daughter, and we needed the support of my girlfriends family to help us with our newborn. I made sure I discussed this with my daughters mom and she did agree to let me still see our daughter in the Summers and other possible times. Now it's just a bunch of lies and she's using our distance against me.

    Please help me prepare for this case...I feel the courts side with the mothers more often than not, and I'm not able to sell my house in this market nor can I afford constant family trips out there to have some "supervised" visitation.
  4. #4
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    As was said , you state in court documents that in prior years and as recently as a year ago you have had ongoing visitations and extended visitation w/0 issues with your father/child relationships .

    You mentioned you pay CS .

    Is that court ordered ?

    You mentioned verbal agreements .

    It really doesn't matter if the mother denies any verbal agreements .

    What matters is that you have had regular and ongoing visits , up until one year ago when the mother said no .

    Have you sent any cards,letter,etc during the last year to the child ?

    Is there any current court order of Custody/Visits ?

    You mention sole custody .
  5. #5
    daddycounts2 is offline Junior Member
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    Yes, child support is court ordered. I have paid this on time for years now. I realize she may take me to court for an increase.

    I haven't sent any cards or letters. I've never been one to send out much, I prefer to call or email. My emails have been to her Mom though, none directly to her. I have called to speak with my daughter on occasion, just not as much as the Mom thinks I should I guess. When I talk to my daughter on the phone she's easily distracted and never has too much to say, so it's short and sweet usually.

    The current custody order is that Mom has Full legal and physical Custody, established when my daughter was about 4. Within the order it stated unsupervised visitation ordered from 9-5pm on Saturdays. I know I should have tried to change this a long time ago, but I can't go back so that makes no difference now. I wanted to be able to work it out without the courts and we did for years...but she still has full control and this is where it's lead me.
  6. #6
    daddycounts2 is offline Junior Member
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    I have a few more questions, and thank you up front for your help here, it is appreciated.

    Should I bring witnesses with me to attest that I've had my daughter weekends all these years? I don't know exactly how to prove that I've had unrestricted unsupervised visitation with my daughter all these years otherwise. All I can do is tell the courts so, it is the truth after all, but Mom is lying about our verbal agreement to let me see our daughter over the Summers so I'm afraid she may lie some more.

    1000 miles is a long trip to drive. My girlfriend isn't totally comfortable bringing our 2 year old on this trip, but I may want her to be a witness for me, no? She lived with me for over a year and can agree that I had my daughter in joint custody fashion. Also, she was there when my daughters Mom agreed to Summers and eventually maybe a little more too (like school breaks) at our home in WI. And she also was there when her Mom said no to putting that in writing.

    Plus, wouldn't it be good to have my family in court with me, at least just for moral support? I have a friend and my Mom out there that may be able to stand witness for me as well. She is attacking my character too, saying I need anger management classes. Will I need witnesses for this? Would a letter written from my girlfriend suffice? How about my criminal record and driving record, there are in good standing, will this help?

    I mentioned that I sent some angry emails in the past. Before I read this site and realized what a big mistake it is to over involve my girlfriend I had her send a letter too... but she immediately apologized for overstepping after doing so and has since remained out of the picture. She doesn't try to be Mom to my daughter and knows her place, it was a mistake.

    Can she legally produce these emails? Is there a way I can stop her from being able to do so?

    Mom never called me to let me know our daughter is now in therapy and was diagnosed with ADHD. I had been on her for years to do this, but it wasn't until I filed these motions that she decided to do so that she finally did and now she is using it against me.

    I also really want to be able to spend some time with my daughter when I am out there for the case but upon request her Mother has refused. I mean come on, I'm driving 1000 miles out that way and can't even spend some time with our daughter? Do you think the court could order her to let me spend some time with her if I ask during this case? Do you think if I have my family with me, my daughters half brother and all, they would more likely award me some time? I'd like my daughter to see her little brother too.

    Again, thank you...
    Last edited by daddycounts2; 10-18-2008 at 03:41 AM.
  7. #7
    onebreath is offline Member
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    I do not know if NH state laws are different. In CA it is only at a trial that one pulls in witnesses. Both the father and I at times submitted letters to the court from outside people, they got submitted to our respective motions/responses as attachments.

    When you are in court, ask the court to grant visitation time for you with daughter while you are out there.

    There is a difference in legal custody and physical custody. Requesting the custody gets changed to joint legal, where you have imput with mom into educational, spiritual, and medical matters, is a real if given the long distance situation and lack of contact. Ask for it. As a secondary request, I would ask that if the court does not deem you appropriate to have joint legal, that at least you have the legal right to obtain similar therapy for the childs needs when she is with you over the summers. Point out you would want this therapy to complement what her current therapist plan is for daughter.

    Joint physical custody is primarily what you are looking for...you want a set visitation order. Once that happens, then mom can be held in contempt if she chooses to not follow it.

    The emails can be submitted, its up to the judge if he declares you angry enough to take a court ordered anger management program. My exp of folks being court ordered for this, unless physical harm is an issue, is that you can take the class during a set period of time, and it would not be held as a pre-requesite before you can visit child.

    You will have to accept mom does not take the high road and is involving the daughter in conversations that should be held back from her. Don't play her game...just make sure you leave all of this out of conversations with your daughter yourself.

    I would ask for weekly updates from the parent whom the child is with, as to specifics about the child's welfare...school reports, school activities, extracurricular activities, therapy information, medical information, contact when child is sick.

    You can also request that there be reasonable telephonic contact with you and the child, to occur no more than once a day. Phrase that "both parents shall have...., when the child is in the other parents custody.

    Ask for visitation for when you can visit NH, given a one months notice time period. That mom needs to respond and confirm as well.

    State you are opposed to supervised visits and why.

    Last but not least, proposed a long distance visitation schedule, giving consideration to school breaks and holiday time.

    All of this means writing this up and having it to the court in their legal time framework. Its way better to have the issues in front of the judge and/or mediator before you walk into the room.

    Represent yourself the best you can. Focus each issue on what you want, and why/how you see your proposal as being in the best interests of your child. Do not say anything bad about the mom, keep the focus on the child and pure factual information.
  8. #8
    TinkerBelleLuvr is offline Senior Member
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    In your long distance plan, I'm assuming that you will pay for all the transportation since you are the one that created the distance. In the real world, if you had been nearby, chances are that eventually it would have gotten to where the receiving parent was responsible for pickup. So, if mom incurs some costs with delivery to a nearby airport, then so be it; but this doesn't mean driving past a legimate airport to go to the next one cuz you save $20.00.

    Most long distance plans will have you having 1/2 go 3/4 summer break. Mom should get a chance of also taking some vacation in the summer; therefore, don't ask for all of summer break.

    In my long distance plan, one school year, dad gets Thanksgiving break and Spring break. The following year, he gets all of winter break.

    The verbage states that outside of these times, if the parent is in the other parent's state, parenting time shall be arranged between the parents. So, if dad is down here, I am to work with him for him to spend some time with SweetPea. If we are up there, he gets whatever we arranged. Since it tends to be very expensive on my dime, it won't be much.

    What I would also recommend in a plan is virtual parenting time. This applies to both parents, when child is with other parent. might want to designate a minimum of phone calls. Also, with technology these days, you can do instant messaging, emails & webcam. The advantage of webcams is that the child could actually show you school work that they are proud of, etc. Since it would work both ways, mom could "see" the child when she is with you.

    I have seen some parents who provide cell phones for more access. I think that my child is one of the FEW who still doesn't have one in middle school. I cannot justify the cost at this time, therefore, oh well.
  9. #9
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    I do not know if NH state laws are different.
    Then you should have not said anything. Your experience matters not if you do not know the law in NH and haven't researched it.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  10. #10
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    And you can submit whatever letters you like, but unless the person writing them is available to appear and be cross-examined... they're worthless and won't be admitted.

    Seriously, as earnest as onebreath comes off... she has no clue more often than not. Please be cautious with taking her input as gospel.
  11. #11
    daddycounts2 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks for the answers, I'm still quite confused on the witness thing though...should I make my girlfriend and 2 year old son travel with me all the way there so that she can stand witness for me or no? How can I show that I have had my unsupervised visitation for so long otherwise?

    As for the emails, so she can use them? Would there be disclosure laws that make it so she'd have to at least present me with copies of them first? I don't have them anymore, but I'm sure she kept copies of them to use against me just for a time like this.

    The plan was always for me to pay for my daughters transportation to visit me. Last Summer I even went out there myself and took the plane ride back here to my home with her since it was her first plane trip. She rode back by herself and was fine though, no expenses to her mother at all for the trips and never would I expect there to be, I know moving out here was my choice.

    I wanted full Summers because Mom wasn't wanting to give her up for any of the school breaks. If Mom has her all the rest of the year I didn't think that a full Summer here is a bad thing. Mom has had her for a year and a half all to herself now, I don't see why I couldn't have her for a whole Summer next time.

    What is my best way of getting the court to see she is lying? All I have is my word and the word of my girlfriend and Mother...can I even use their words though?
    Last edited by daddycounts2; 10-19-2008 at 12:05 AM.
  12. #12
    onebreath is offline Member
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    Oh, Ohiogirl and now Stealth....

    Thank goodness I posted a disclaimer about not knowing about NH law and being a CA girl, what my knowledge is in CA regarding whether or not a witness can or will be called into court. Heaven forbid someone take two seconds to read this and chose of their own accord to disclaim. But no I need to be disclaimed here.

    Of course my own ex attorney could have even led me awry on these things. I have had two friends, not based on my recommendation, hire her...even though she has an excellent rep in the attorney arena, fire her and do much better afterwards.

    One thing I do know, I don't care what state it is, is here or with some attorneys...there are many fill in the blanks people don't have a clue of. I have had to learn the long, expensive way.

    You can discredit me, and yes, you both know the law better than myself. Often what I advice are brainstorming, proactive ways for a person to research their situation. Attorneys, more times than not, do NOT give that. Also, I have had countless people advice me to keep up with my attorney and do as much groundwork as I can. So my tendency is to brainstorm. I am not always right, as neither of you is always right. But overall, I think many people appreciate my desire to help them to try to understand and cope with their legal situations better...as crass legal advice often does not.

    Yes I am earnest, and I will strive to be more succinct and careful in what advice I do give. I often give a disclaimer I am not a legal expert and wait for a legal expert on the bigger issues, as I do greatly appreciate both your yours, and other seniors', legal advice for everyone.

    I will not apologize, I think there is a real click and closeminded ness with some seniors here as to the general blue collar worker here who is ignorant...like I have been and am in some ways....but I have unfortunately had bitter experience in court, and I know I KNOW that attorneys often will not stretch as judges will sometimes...to see the other side. I try to help people show their other side better. That is my deal....and my place in life.
    We all serve our functions in life. We either do it with respect and kindness, or as often happens with law, people get bitter and derogatory towards others. I refuse to do that.

    Been to court over 25 times, been through a trial, custody evals, countless reviews, etc. and read a ton on here. This is my one and only disclaimer to giving advice.
  13. #13
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Oh, Ohiogirl and now Stealth....
    I am not Ohiogirl. Why don't you get the name right? It is not that difficult.

    Thank goodness I posted a disclaimer about not knowing about NH law and being a CA girl, what my knowledge is in CA regarding whether or not a witness can or will be called into court. Heaven forbid someone take two seconds to read this and chose of their own accord to disclaim. But no I need to be disclaimed here.
    You should NOT be posting about CA law in a NH thread. Especially when your advice is incorrect. Stealth corrected you on the letters -- they are NOT admissible. Letters cannot be cross examined.


    Of course my own ex attorney could have even led me awry on these things. I have had two friends, not based on my recommendation, hire her...even though she has an excellent rep in the attorney arena, fire her and do much better afterwards.
    Again you are in CA and know nothing about NH law. So quit.
    One thing I do know, I don't care what state it is, is here or with some attorneys...there are many fill in the blanks people don't have a clue of. I have had to learn the long, expensive way.

    There are always details that matter that can turn things.

    You can discredit me, and yes, you both know the law better than myself. Often what I advice are brainstorming, proactive ways for a person to research their situation.
    No. Often what you have advised are things that you shouldn't be -- such as on another thread where you stated that three year olds are too young for overnight visitation and babies ONLY get visited by their non-primary parent at the primary parent's home. And that was on an Ohio thread.

    Attorneys, more times than not, do NOT give that.
    Bull.

    Also, I have had countless people advice me to keep up with my attorney and do as much groundwork as I can. So my tendency is to brainstorm. I am not always right, as neither of you is always right. But overall, I think many people appreciate my desire to help them to try to understand and cope with their legal situations better...as crass legal advice often does not.
    Appreciating the wrong information is not helping.

    Yes I am earnest, and I will strive to be more succinct and careful in what advice I do give. I often give a disclaimer I am not a legal expert and wait for a legal expert on the bigger issues, as I do greatly appreciate both your yours, and other seniors', legal advice for everyone.
    You need to CONTINUE to give a disclaimer but quite frankly it doesn't matter. If you are caught giving improper advice be aware that the moderators can and will ban you.

    I will not apologize, I think there is a real click and closeminded ness with some seniors here as to the general blue collar worker here who is ignorant...like I have been and am in some ways....but I have unfortunately had bitter experience in court, and I know I KNOW that attorneys often will not stretch as judges will sometimes...to see the other side. I try to help people show their other side better. That is my deal....and my place in life.
    We all serve our functions in life. We either do it with respect and kindness, or as often happens with law, people get bitter and derogatory towards others. I refuse to do that.
    Giving wrong advice and information with respect and kindness does nothing and does more harm than saying anything that is correct but can be construed as being said with bitterness.

    Been to court over 25 times, been through a trial, custody evals, countless reviews, etc. and read a ton on here. This is my one and only disclaimer to giving advice.

    Then prepare to be reported every time you post something that is incorrect.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  14. #14
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks for the answers, I'm still quite confused on the witness thing though...should I make my girlfriend and 2 year old son travel with me all the way there so that she can stand witness for me or no? How can I show that I have had my unsupervised visitation for so long otherwise?
    What type of hearing is it? Unless it is a full evidentiary hearing then maybe not.

    As for the emails, so she can use them? Would there be disclosure laws that make it so she'd have to at least present me with copies of them first? I don't have them anymore, but I'm sure she kept copies of them to use against me just for a time like this.
    Have you read the local rules of court? She can use the emails. She doesn't necessarily have to give them to before court.

    The plan was always for me to pay for my daughters transportation to visit me. Last Summer I even went out there myself and took the plane ride back here to my home with her since it was her first plane trip. She rode back by herself and was fine though, no expenses to her mother at all for the trips and never would I expect there to be, I know moving out here was my choice.
    Okay.


    I wanted full Summers because Mom wasn't wanting to give her up for any of the school breaks. If Mom has her all the rest of the year I didn't think that a full Summer here is a bad thing. Mom has had her for a year and a half all to herself now, I don't see why I couldn't have her for a whole Summer next time.
    Because the court will not penalize mom for not allowing you time when you didn't care enough to get a court order. IF you had a court order and filed contempt then you might get make up time if you won.

    What is my best way of getting the court to see she is lying? All I have is my word and the word of my girlfriend and Mother...can I even use their words though?

    Nope. You can't use their words. They would have to testify to their words. And again as to when they would testify depends on what type of hearing it is.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  15. #15
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    Could dad have people write affadavits for him? I know here they are not accepted at trial, but are okay for hearings.
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