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  1. #1
    3Weymouthgirls is offline Junior Member
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    My 13 year old does not want to visit me for Christmas

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

    I was divorced in MA and live in NC.
    The background
    I have joint custody of my 13 year old but since I live out of state do not get to visit as much as I would like. When I moved out of state I hired an attorney to modify my visitation so I would see my daughter every other Christmas. every other school vacation and for 1 week during the summer. In hindsight I wish I had requested more of the summer but did have my daughter for 2 weeks this past summer. I pay my child support and more. I also used to speak with my daughter a minimum of 3 days a week but have now been cut to one day if I am lucky. The first visit to NC my attorney had to go to court because the ex tried to have a therapist claim that the child should not visit with the father because of her fear of me (BTW I had a great relationship for the previous 3 years prior to moving) The original agreement when I moved was for her to fly with me paying the cost but the 13 year old has developed a phobia about flying. The solution is the ex drives 380 miles and I drive 470 so I can pick her up and I pay for the ex's gas. The child enjoys her visits
    The problem
    Since I moved to NC in 2007 I have never had a Christmas with my daughter. In 2007 She came down on the 26th of December (my first Christmas in NC) Per the agreement I gave the ex written confirmation of my intent to exercise my 2009 Christmas visitation. My 13 year old has informed me that she will come but she wants to be home at her house Christmas morning. The ex is trying to bribe her but the 13 year old is digging in her heels. I want my daughter with me on Christmas and the ex says she is trying everything to coerce her to go on the visit. I have let the 13 year old know I want her with me at her home here and that is what her Mom and Dad agreed. I unfortunately have limited monetary resources along with other responsibilities which include my wife and the 13 year olds 2 younger half sisters (which she adores them and they adore her). I don't know what to do. I have been stern with the 13 year old and her mother acts like she is trying. Any advice would be helpful.
    Last edited by 3Weymouthgirls; 12-15-2009 at 09:32 PM. Reason: typo
  2. #2
    Hisbabygirl77 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

    I was divorced in MA and live in NC.
    The background
    I have joint custody of my 13 year old but since I live out of state do not get to visit as much as I would like. When I moved out of state I hired an attorney to modify my visitation so I would see my daughter every other Christmas. every other school vacation and for 1 week during the summer. In hindsight I wish I had requested more of the summer but did have my daughter for 2 weeks this past summer. I pay my child support and more. I also used to speak with my daughter a minimum of 3 days a week but have now been cut to one day if I am lucky. The first visit to NC my attorney had to go to court because the ex tried to have a therapist claim that the child should not visit with the father because of her fear of me (BTW I had a great relationship for the previous 3 years prior to moving) The original agreement when I moved was for her to fly with me paying the cost but the 13 year old has developed a phobia about flying. The solution is the ex drives 380 miles and I drive 470 so I can pick her up and I pay for the ex's gas. The child enjoys her visits
    The problem
    Since I moved to NC in 2007 I have never had a Christmas with my daughter. In 2007 She came down on the 26th of December (my first Christmas in NC) Per the agreement I gave the ex written confirmation of my intent to exercise my 2009 Christmas visitation. My 13 year old has informed me that she will come but she wants to be home at her house Christmas morning. The ex is trying to bribe her but the 13 year old is digging in her heels. I want my daughter with me on Christmas and the ex says she is trying everything to coerce her to go on the visit. I have let the 13 year old know I want her with me at her home here and that is what her Mom and Dad agreed. I unfortunately have limited monetary resources along with other responsibilities which include my wife and the 13 year olds 2 younger half sisters (which she adores them and they adore her). I don't know what to do. I have been stern with the 13 year old and her mother acts like she is trying. Any advice would be helpful.
    What does your order state exactly about Christmas visitation? You have the right to follow that order exactly. Thirteen year olds do not get to chose where they spend Christmas. My kids don't want to go to SC to spend Christmas with us and my husbands family. To bad so sad they are going. PERIOD
  3. #3
    3Weymouthgirls is offline Junior Member
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    Court Order states

    Quote Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77 View Post
    What does your order state exactly about Christmas visitation? You have the right to follow that order exactly. Thirteen year olds do not get to chose where they spend Christmas. My kids don't want to go to SC to spend Christmas with us and my husbands family. To bad so sad they are going. PERIOD
    The court order states every other Christmas beginning in 2007. I am so frustrated at the situation and don't know what to do. What if her mother tells her she needs to get in the car and she refuses? I am not there to make sure it happens.
  4. #4
    Hisbabygirl77 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls View Post
    The court order states every other Christmas beginning in 2007. I am so frustrated at the situation and don't know what to do. What if her mother tells her she needs to get in the car and she refuses? I am not there to make sure it happens.
    Then you drive all the way and get your child. Court order in hand. Mom can come pick up the child. That is still 50/50 on transportation.
  5. #5
    ecmst12 is online now Senior Member
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    Stop making her think that this is her choice. That goes for daughter AND mom. It's a court ORDER, not a suggestion or a guideline. Judge said this is your christmas. Inform daughter that she will be at mom's house NEXT christmas but this year, she is with you and that is the way it is. She can decide to enjoy herself during the visit or sulk in her room at your house and be miserable the whole time, but she will be with you like it or not
  6. #6
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls View Post
    The court order states every other Christmas beginning in 2007.
    No, this is NOT what the court order states exactly. It is what you say it says. PLEASE type, word for word, EXACTLY what your order states. NOT your interpretation.

    Thanks.
  7. #7
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Why is mom BRIBING THE CHILD to go and not just grounding her spoiled selfish little butt?
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  8. #8
    3Weymouthgirls is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77 View Post
    Then you drive all the way and get your child. Court order in hand. Mom can come pick up the child. That is still 50/50 on transportation.
    I fear that if I drive all the way there 2 things happen. 1 she refuses to get in the car. 2 She will not be there. In either scenario I lose. I can't physically force the child.

    In answer to the other questions.
    The court order states "The Father shall have visitation with the minor child Hayley on Christmas during odd years and for Thanksgiving during even years"

    I have not given her a choice I have told her she is coming and she has stated she will not get in her mother's car and I can't make her. BTW every visit with her has been a good visit.

    Why Mom is bribing the child is an excellent question. It all comes back to the erosion and the eradication of me from the child's life. From therapist shopping (which is another story) to trying to block her first visit to NC. To a summer visit that never happened because of a scene at the airport where the child refused to fly. I am at wits end and find this really affecting my heart. When I told my daughter there is no choice she hangs up on me because she doesn't want to hear it. I explained to my ex that this is unacceptable. I sent my lawyer an email last night asking her about contempt and still have not heard back.
  9. #9
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls View Post
    I fear that if I drive all the way there 2 things happen. 1 she refuses to get in the car. 2 She will not be there. In either scenario I lose. I can't physically force the child.
    And if you don't go, there's no contempt.

    At this point? Neither you NOR Mom are being effective parents. Way to go.
  10. #10
    3Weymouthgirls is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stealth2 View Post
    And if you don't go, there's no contempt.

    At this point? Neither you NOR Mom are being effective parents. Way to go.
    Yep way to go I can and would drive myself up. Instead of making snide remarks about my effectiveness as a parent how about offering up a solution. I also answered your question about what the court order states exactly. My ex will be in contempt my daughter is supposed to get on a plane which she won't so the driving halfway was agreed upon by both parties. I will be talking to the ex on Thursday and letting her know that I intend on picking her up at her home and she can come get her. My question is what do I do if she is not there or refuses to get into the car
  11. #11
    ProSeDadinMD is online now Senior Member
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    Curiousity underwhelms me here, but why can't you "physically force" your 13 year old to get into your car?

    Would you "physically force" her to go to school? Or the dentist? Or to any other place that the child doesn't want to, but has to, go?

    Makes no sense 'tall to me...
  12. #12
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls View Post
    Yep way to go I can and would drive myself up. Instead of making snide remarks about my effectiveness as a parent how about offering up a solution. I also answered your question about what the court order states exactly. My ex will be in contempt my daughter is supposed to get on a plane which she won't so the driving halfway was agreed upon by both parties. I will be talking to the ex on Thursday and letting her know that I intend on picking her up at her home and she can come get her. My question is what do I do if she is not there or refuses to get into the car
    Yep - you answered my question, which verified that it is actually your holiday. Something which was not 100% clear prior to that.

    And unless you physically attempt to enforce visitation? Your ex may not be found in contempt. If YOU can't physically force the brat (and yes, at this point, she qualifies as a brat), what makes you think Mom can?

    I'll tell you - my two are 18 and nearly 16. There is no question of who has authority in this house. OR their father's. And it sure as heck ain't the 18 and 16yo kids. I don't have to physically force my kids to do squat. I tell them what I expect, and any hesitation or back talk gets "the look". End of story. Parents rule. That you and Mom can't get a 13yo to do as she's told? Says more about the both of you than the kid. So yeah - way to go.
  13. #13
    3Weymouthgirls is offline Junior Member
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    Physically force

    Quote Originally Posted by ProSeDadinMD View Post
    Curiousity underwhelms me here, but why can't you "physically force" your 13 year old to get into your car?

    Would you "physically force" her to go to school? Or the dentist? Or to any other place that the child doesn't want to, but has to, go?

    Makes no sense 'tall to me...
    The state police were called at the airport the last time the 13 year old dug in and I lost my visit because she wouldn't get on the plane. I see a similar scenario happening when I show up at the house based on past experiences. The school/dentist scenario is not applicable since you are making an apple to orange comparison. Sorry you are underwhelmed
  14. #14
    ProSeDadinMD is online now Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls View Post
    The state police were called at the airport the last time the 13 year old dug in and I lost my visit because she wouldn't get on the plane. I see a similar scenario happening when I show up at the house based on past experiences. The school/dentist scenario is not applicable since you are making an apple to orange comparison. Sorry you are underwhelmed
    Ok, I guess no visit for you then...

    Planes and cars are 2 completely different animals there Sparky.
  15. #15
    Silverplum is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls View Post
    The state police were called at the airport the last time the 13 year old dug in and I lost my visit because she wouldn't get on the plane.
    What was your legal action immediately following this, and what was the result?
    Quote Originally Posted by 3Weymouthgirls
    I see a similar scenario happening when I show up at the house based on past experiences. The school/dentist scenario is not applicable since you are making an apple to orange comparison. Sorry you are underwhelmed
    Nonsense. It's exactly the same.
    Child does not want to do something. Parent requires Child to do it.

    I realize you need Mom's help to do some of the disciplining in this situation. Make sure your attorney -- or your next attorney -- grasps that fact firmly.

    However, some of the parenting failures here are yours. Read some parenting books on dealing with/disciplining teens/tweens. Do it now, or you will lose the whole war.
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