My 3 year old dosnt want to visit his father

[SingleParentnNC]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

Hi, my name is xxxand I live in North Carolina. My son is three and for the past month or so he has been getting upset when it is time to go to his father's for his visitation. I asked him what made him feel that way and he tells me his father dosnt talk to him or "do anything" with him. I let him know that his daddy loves him but this does little to console him and I am starting to worry about his welfare at his father's house when he does get him. His father will send him back at times with terrible rashes in his private areas and it looks like nothing has been done to prevent them or help. My son also tells me that his father dosnt bathe him or brush his teeth, which I believe to be true considering the rashes I have seen. Some have been so bad they were actually blistering. I have talked to his father about the rashes and he gets very defensive and tells me he didnt see them on my son when he left from his house, when I know the rashes couldnt have been missed if he was properly being looked after. I want my son to be able to see his father because that relationship is important but at the same time I want him to be cared for and get the attention he deserves while he is there, with this said would the things mentioned above be enough to get visitation dropped to every other weekend if things dont change?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

Hi, my name is xxx and I live in North Carolina. My son is three and for the past month or so he has been getting upset when it is time to go to his father's for his visitation. I asked him what made him feel that way and he tells me his father dosnt talk to him or "do anything" with him. I let him know that his daddy loves him but this does little to console him and I am starting to worry about his welfare at his father's house when he does get him. His father will send him back at times with terrible rashes in his private areas and it looks like nothing has been done to prevent them or help. My son also tells me that his father dosnt bathe him or brush his teeth, which I believe to be true considering the rashes I have seen. Some have been so bad they were actually blistering. I have talked to his father about the rashes and he gets very defensive and tells me he didnt see them on my son when he left from his house, when I know the rashes couldnt have been missed if he was properly being looked after. I want my son to be able to see his father because that relationship is important but at the same time I want him to be cared for and get the attention he deserves while he is there, with this said would the things mentioned above be enough to get visitation dropped to every other weekend if things dont change?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Really, you must have an eloquent 3-year old

No this isn't enough to get visitation modified.

 

[CJane]

How often is he AT Dad's house?

 

[CourtClerk]

How often is he AT Dad's house?

That's a very good question and one that needs an answer....

(am I in your brain or are you in mine?)

 

[stealth2]

Is your son potty trained, or in diapers/pull-ups?

 

[mistoffolees]

I will add that when a three year old doesn't want to visit NCP, it's almost always because CP is doing something. Whether it's a blatant attack to try to discredit NCP or more subtle fears and angst every time the child goes, there's almost always SOMETHING coming from CP which leads the child to believe that it's dangerous or evil or bad at NCP's place. Evaluate your behavior.

A three year old who is upset that he doesn't have to brush his teeth? Unlikely (and, btw, a three year old can brush his own teeth- Dad doesn't have to do it for him).

 

[LdiJ]

I will add that when a three year old doesn't want to visit NCP, it's almost always because CP is doing something. Whether it's a blatant attack to try to discredit NCP or more subtle fears and angst every time the child goes, there's almost always SOMETHING coming from CP which leads the child to believe that it's dangerous or evil or bad at NCP's place. Evaluate your behavior.

A three year old who is upset that he doesn't have to brush his teeth? Unlikely (and, btw, a three year old can brush his own teeth- Dad doesn't have to do it for him).

While I agree that is often true, its also often not true.

The last time that my granddaughter saw her father on a regular basis (which only lasted for about six months before he went back to jail) she was seeing him at the home of her half sister's mother, who was providing daycare for her at the time.

The other mother was happy to let him see the children. My daughter wasn't really happy about it but felt it was a safe environment for him to see the children. BOTH children told me, on numerous occasions, that they "did not like daddy". They also told me that "daddy is mean". If it had just been my grandaughter who expressed that opinon I might have felt that my daughter wasn't being as neutral about things as she should have been. However, with both girls expressing that emotion (and they are only 4 months apart, daddy had a busy year) my guess is that they really didn't like daddy and daddy really was mean.

 

[CreativeBlock]

While I agree that is often true, its also often not true.

And sometimes, especially young children don't feel comfortable in "strange" homes. If Dad has a new apartment or home, that Junior didn't actually grow up in, simple things like not knowing where the bathroom is in the middle of the night, a closet in the bedroom that's not his, etc, can be very uncomfortable and make the child anxious.

Not ALL children react so anxiously to change, but many do.

Does Mom send a "woobie" with Junior? Some sort of familiar item to make Dad's home feel more like "home" home?

And I'm curious, OP, at 3 years old, he should be at least nominally toilet-trained. Was he TT'd and having a relapse? If so, when did this relapse occur?

 

[dannyt]

18

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

Hi, my name is xxx and I live in North Carolina. My son is three and for the past month or so he has been getting upset when it is time to go to his father's for his visitation. I asked him what made him feel that way and he tells me his father dosnt talk to him or "do anything" with him. I let him know that his daddy loves him but this does little to console him and I am starting to worry about his welfare at his father's house when he does get him. His father will send him back at times with terrible rashes in his private areas and it looks like nothing has been done to prevent them or help. My son also tells me that his father dosnt bathe him or brush his teeth, which I believe to be true considering the rashes I have seen. Some have been so bad they were actually blistering. I have talked to his father about the rashes and he gets very defensive and tells me he didnt see them on my son when he left from his house, when I know the rashes couldnt have been missed if he was properly being looked after. I want my son to be able to see his father because that relationship is important but at the same time I want him to be cared for and get the attention he deserves while he is there, with this said would the things mentioned above be enough to get visitation dropped to every other weekend if things dont change?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

if there is a court order for vistation( and thats exactly what it is an order not a suggestion you son goes, or he could end up seeing a lot more of dad and a lot less of you. when hes 18 he can decide not to see dad untill then he has no choice.neither do you

 

[InfantCustody]

I want to address the statement of it being the CP's fault that the child doesn't want to visit the NCP. While that could be true in a number of situations, there are many MORE situations where it is no one's fault and it is a phase for the child, or it could be the NCP's fault as well.

OP:

How often does the child see Dad?

How long has he been seeing Dad? Has Dad been in his life all along?

Has the schedule changed?

Has Dad moved?

Has something changed in your life, the child's home life or Dad's life?

Children thrive on consistency. If something has changed in anyone's situation or life, the child could be resisting transitions because of that. It is also possible that the child is just going through a "clingy" phase to Mom and needs reassurance he is going to have fun with Dad. As children change and grow, they can have many phases where they don't like any transitions from one caregiver to another. It isn't necessarily anyone's fault...rather just a fact.

I think it is seriously jumping the gun to say "most of the time" it is the CP's fault. While that is true in SOME SITUATIONS, it isn't true in "most" situations. That would be like saying it is a parent's fault "most of the time" if a child doesn't want to go to school or daycare. While it offends people to compare a parent to school or daycare, it is just a transition from one care provider to another. Some kids do it better than others. Most of the time, it is just a developmental cycle for the child.

NOW, in this case, I find it hard to believe this child is able to clearly articulate all the things Mom is saying. I also find it hard to believe the child cries or complains he doesn't take a bath or brush his teeth...actually it is unliukly he even remembers if he took a bath or brushed his teeth. When my oldest son was 3, it was a battle to get him into the tub or to brush his teeth.

OP: You are not going to reduce Dad's visitation because he doesn't brush your sons teeth or give him a bath. Some people think a child should be bathed once a week...they think it dries the skin if you do it more. Some people (ewww) don't brush their child's teeth at all. They are baby teeth. They are parenting differences. If your child came home with a blistered diaper rash each and every time he visited Dad, and it was documented by his MD as requiring treatment, you may be able to ask that Dad take a parenting class but unless it rises to the level of neglect...it's a losing battle. Visitation is not the choice of a 3 year old.

Why is a 3 year old still in diapers? At his age, perhaps his skin is not tolerating him not being potty trained? That may be the biggest solution. Potty train the child and the rash goes away!

 

[SingleParentnNC]

He is potty trained and is wearing underwear and has had no relapse that is why I thought the rash may have been chaffing, but I couldnt understand why his father didnt see it if he had been giving him a bath and that is why I asked him if daddy gave him a bath. There was also a rash on his lower back where the skin was raw and bleeding near his bottom. He does actually still need help brushing his teeth, I let him do it and then I go behind him and make sure he brushed well. He did not tell me that he didnt want to go to his dads because his father didnt give him a bath or brush his teeth, he told me he didnt want to go over there because "daddy didnt do anything with me", and yes those were his exact words on one occasion. The next morning he told me that "daddy didnt talk to me". I have never and would never act like I hated or disliked his father infront of him or say mean things about him because I am a child of a divorced family and I know how it feels to have a parent bad mouth the other and it is exactly that reason that I tell him his daddy does love him and wants to see him. I have never told him that he didnt have to go, or act like his house is a scary place, infact I have always encouraged him to like being there. His father did just move about 3 months ago and that could possibly be a reason, but I do have to believe what my son is telling me when he said that his father dosnt talk to him or spend much time with him because he was that way when we were married. He was a very quiet person by nature even towards adults and was to himself.. which was one reason we divorced. I am not angry at his father for being that way, that is just how he is but I want my son to feel like he is getting attention when he is with his father because most often his father will send him to his grandmother's house during his visits. There have been a lot of times when my son has returned home with bad rashes after being away at his father's house and I have had many conversations with him about it, but he just gets defensive. While im not trying to call him a bad person, Im only trying to get his father to try and prevent them or at least put something on the rashes to ease them a little... because obviously I dont want him to be in pain. I do send my son to his fathers with his favorite stuffed animal "EeeEee" and his blanket. His father gets him for 5 nights and I have him for 9, I get him from Sunday night to the next Tuesday morning and his father picks him up from daycare and takes him to his house that night until the following Sunday. Please dont get this confused i DO want my son to spend time with his father, and I am fine with our schedule, it just puts me in a bad place where I feel like im doing him more harm sending him over there than good sometimes.

 

[CJane]

So you want to limit dad's visitation because he doesn't interact with the child as much as YOU (or the child) would like him to, and not because he's actually ignoring/neglecting the child, but because he's a quiet person by nature?

Really?

So your kiddo comes home with a rash now and then. And yes, I GET that it seems SUPER serious. But c'mon. Maybe Dad isn't comfortable inspecting the boys' privates when he bathes him. And I KNOW that if kiddo said "Daddy touched my privates" or "Daddy looks at my privates a lot", you'd have something to say about THAT too.

Let it go. Before long, he'll be old enough to handle most of his bathing/tooth brushing/whatever all on his own and this will no longer be a concern.

 

[CreativeBlock]

He is potty trained and is wearing underwear and has had no relapse that is why I thought the rash may have been chaffing, but I couldnt understand why his father didnt see it if he had been giving him a bath and that is why I asked him if daddy gave him a bath. There was also a rash on his lower back where the skin was raw and bleeding near his bottom.

So, has there been a relapse? Is there any bedwetting that you know of?

As for the rest, you sound as though you're doing everything you can to facilitate the visits going as smoothly as possible.

Personally, I'd think that it's just that Junior's still uncomfortable at being at a "strange" home. Especially if Dad's not giving him much attention.

I think he might be suffering from "separation anxiety" (I don't mean Separation Anxiety Disorder, BTW). Which is actually normal for *small children when they've subjected to severe change. Their coping skills aren't quite developed yet. But having EeeEee there with him (and any other comforts from home) will help.

(*Some children are more susceptible to SA than others)

Is he "clingy" when it comes time for a visit to Dad's house (most 3 year olds ARE clingy, but is he MORE clingy than usual)? Does he complain of "not feeling well" when it's time for a visit? Is he more fearful than usual (in general)?

Have you tried staying an hour or two at Dad's with Junior when you drop him off? Perhaps seeing YOU relaxed and comfortable in the "strange" home might help.

I don't blame Dad, BTW. It sounds as though while he's a bit aloof, he's not being irresponsible. He sounds as though he's normally on the reserved side and is only being himself with Junior.

Has anyone considered that the rashes might be blistered hives from stress? A bit "out there," I know, but possible nonetheless.

 

[CJane]

I think he might be suffering from "separation anxiety" (I don't mean Separation Anxiety Disorder, BTW). Which is actually normal for *small children when they've subjected to severe change.

It's normal for THIS age group anyway, regardless. Kiddo is perfectly happy to go to daycare one day, and then the switch gets flipped and you'd swear you were sending them through the very gates of he**. It's not because the daycare provider is suddenly a demon, it's because the CHILD is. lol

Same with the "doesn't do anything with me". To a 3 year old? That just means Daddy doesn't do what kiddo WANTS him to. My 5 year old still says this about my ex-BF, whom he spends quite a lot of time with.

Me: What'd you do with D'man this weekend?
Him: Nothing.
Me: Nothing? Really? You didn't go to the park?
Him: Yeah. But we didn't DO anything.
Me: You didn't go get pizza?
Him: Yeah, but we couldn't play video games.
Me: Did you play Playstation at home?
Him: Yeah, but I forgot my Spongebob game so I couldn't play it.
Me: Do you did lots of stuff with D'man!
Him: No. We didn't do anything.

Has anyone considered that the rashes might be blistered hives from stress? A bit "out there," I know, but possible nonetheless.

It's not that out there. However, it would be quite strange for them to last for 5 days. Or to crop up at the return to Mom as opposed to at the beginning of Dad's time. I still occasionally suffer from hives related to stress, though not nearly as often as I did as a child. The longest they ever lasted was 48 hours. 5 days would be a LONG time for that.

 

[SingleParentnNC]

He dosnt really get more clingy when its time to go to his dads he just screams and cries "I dont want to go to daddy's" which I can understand him doing because he realizes he is leaving. Its when we are just talking and out of the blue he will say "daddy didnt talk to me" and he gets sad.. and thats what makes me feel bad for him. We can be talking about anything and he will just say it all of a sudden and we arent even on the topic of going to his fathers house. He also came home one time from his dad's house and told me that "Mrs. Amanda spanked him", I didnt know who Mrs. Amanda was when he told me that, and to tell you the truth I still dont know who she is. I called my ex to ask him about who she was and why she was spanking our son and he told me that he didnt know anyone named Mrs. Amanda, but then later changed his story and said that his relationship with her was "complicated". He keeps me in the dark about pretty much everything that goes on at his house so of course this dosnt help much. I dont know if she is the reason for his not liking going over there, but from what he mentions of "Mrs. Amanda" he does not like her at all. I have included my ex husband on any life changes that are going on at my house and let him know if our son is sick ect. but he will not return the favor even though it would make things a lot easier. I love your idea about staying in the house for a little while so he knows im comfortable there and that he could be too, but my ex lives two hours away so it does complicate things a little more. Thank you so much for the advice though!