My child's mother is planning a move, need advice

[trex1119]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We were never married. She lives with her mother in Washington and I live in Oregon. I have a parenting plan that averages to about 60 overnights plus additional visitation when they visit Oregon, which is often because they have a lot of family here and lived here until about 2 years ago.
I found that my daughter's mother is now engaged to her boyfriend of about 4 months, who just left for basic training in the Army in August. They plan on marrying this December. I'm very concerned about her trying to move my daughter farther away and want to be as prepared as possible.
What should I do in preparation for their move? She will know by November where her fiance will be stationed following his training. It is important for me to keep at least the time I have now, even if the plan is restructured but I am certainly interested in increasing time too. I would love to have full custody, but I'm aware of the fact that I am at a financial disadvantage since my daughter's mother comes from a wealthy family who pays for her legal fees. I am very close with my daughter and both her maternal grandparents and my mother live in Oregon as well as other extended family that she is close too. I really believe it is in her best interest to remain in this area and her mother has not provided a stable living situation for her nor maintained steady employment. She relies on her family for support and has gone from living with her parents in Oregon to her grandparents in Washington, therefore moving away from this area would greatly change their living situation since they would not be near family.
My plan states that she is supposed to give me reasonable notice before a move more that 60 miles away and that we are supposed to seek mediation before filing litiigation. Do I go ahead and try to seek mediation before she officially notifies me of her move? Can I go ahead and get paperwork started since they are anticipating a move? Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We were never married. She lives with her mother in Washington and I live in Oregon. I have a parenting plan that averages to about 60 overnights plus additional visitation when they visit Oregon, which is often because they have a lot of family here and lived here until about 2 years ago.
I found that my daughter's mother is now engaged to her boyfriend of about 4 months, who just left for basic training in the Army in August. They plan on marrying this December. I'm very concerned about her trying to move my daughter farther away and want to be as prepared as possible.
What should I do in preparation for their move? She will know by November where her fiance will be stationed following his training. It is important for me to keep at least the time I have now, even if the plan is restructured but I am certainly interested in increasing time too. I would love to have full custody, but I'm aware of the fact that I am at a financial disadvantage since my daughter's mother comes from a wealthy family who pays for her legal fees. I am very close with my daughter and both her maternal grandparents and my mother live in Oregon as well as other extended family that she is close too. I really believe it is in her best interest to remain in this area and her mother has not provided a stable living situation for her nor maintained steady employment. She relies on her family for support and has gone from living with her parents in Oregon to her grandparents in Washington, therefore moving away from this area would greatly change their living situation since they would not be near family.
My plan states that she is supposed to give me reasonable notice before a move more that 60 miles away and that we are supposed to seek mediation before filing litiigation. Do I go ahead and try to seek mediation before she officially notifies me of her move? Can I go ahead and get paperwork started since they are anticipating a move? Thanks in advance for any advice, no personal critiques or rude remarks needed. Thank you.

This is exactly what the legal stranger said posting on your behalf a few minutes ago. Except that the legal stranger was smart enough to leave out the last sentence about personal critiques or rude remarks.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We were never married. She lives with her mother in Washington and I live in Oregon. I have a parenting plan that averages to about 60 overnights plus additional visitation when they visit Oregon, which is often because they have a lot of family here and lived here until about 2 years ago.
I found that my daughter's mother is now engaged to her boyfriend of about 4 months, who just left for basic training in the Army in August. They plan on marrying this December. I'm very concerned about her trying to move my daughter farther away and want to be as prepared as possible.
What should I do in preparation for their move? She will know by November where her fiance will be stationed following his training. It is important for me to keep at least the time I have now, even if the plan is restructured but I am certainly interested in increasing time too. I would love to have full custody, but I'm aware of the fact that I am at a financial disadvantage since my daughter's mother comes from a wealthy family who pays for her legal fees. I am very close with my daughter and both her maternal grandparents and my mother live in Oregon as well as other extended family that she is close too. I really believe it is in her best interest to remain in this area and her mother has not provided a stable living situation for her nor maintained steady employment. She relies on her family for support and has gone from living with her parents in Oregon to her grandparents in Washington, therefore moving away from this area would greatly change their living situation since they would not be near family.
My plan states that she is supposed to give me reasonable notice before a move more that 60 miles away and that we are supposed to seek mediation before filing litiigation. Do I go ahead and try to seek mediation before she officially notifies me of her move? Can I go ahead and get paperwork started since they are anticipating a move? Thanks in advance for any advice, no personal critiques or rude remarks needed. Thank you.

You don't currently live in the same state.

You have an excellent shot at keeping the same amount of visitation that you have now, (restructured for a longer distance plan) if mom moves out of Washington state, but I think its unlikely that you would be able to change primary custody.

I don't see any point in you trying to start anything yet, because you don't know when or where mom would be moving. If her fiance gets immediately deployed after basic training, or gets stationed in the area, she may not move for quite some time.

 

[trex1119]

Okay thank you, I wasn't well prepared when they moved to Washington. I wasn't given much notice and she filed notice with the court a few days before she left with no intention of modifying our plan. I didn't know that I could do anything about it, nor could I afford a lawyer at the time. Now that I have been through the process and have since had help from a lawyer to modify my plan, I know there are steps I can take and I just want to be better prepared this time.
Is there an actually time frame for what is considered reasonable notice in Oregon? 30 days, etc? It did not specify in my plan, other than saying reasonable notice, so it sounds pretty vague.
Also, in needing to seek mediation to change our plan if she moves, what are the steps for asking her to go to mediation. Is it possible to use a mediator through the court so it does not cost additional fees other than the filing fees?
Once we go to mediation is it appropriate to ask to go over other aspects of our plan that could possibly be modified that have caused us conflict in the past year ?(first option care or right of first refusal, phone calls, how we share information about our daughter, etc)

 

[LdiJ]

Okay thank you, I wasn't well prepared when they moved to Washington. I wasn't given much notice and she filed notice with the court a few days before she left with no intention of modifying our plan. I didn't know that I could do anything about it, nor could I afford a lawyer at the time. Now that I have been through the process and have since had help from a lawyer to modify my plan, I know there are steps I can take and I just want to be better prepared this time.
Is there an actually time frame for what is considered reasonable notice in Oregon? 30 days, etc? It did not specify in my plan, other than saying reasonable notice, so it sounds pretty vague.
Also, in needing to seek mediation to change our plan if she moves, what are the steps for asking her to go to mediation. Is it possible to use a mediator through the court so it does not cost additional fees other than the filing fees?
Once we go to mediation is it appropriate to ask to go over other aspects of our plan that could possibly be modified that have caused us conflict in the past year ?(first option care or right of first refusal, phone calls, how we share information about our daughter, etc)

You can certainly address more than just the move if you end up back in court. However, as long as the two of you are living in different states, right of first refusal could hardly be applicable.

 

[trex1119]

You can certainly address more than just the move if you end up back in court. However, as long as the two of you are living in different states, right of first refusal could hardly be applicable.

We currently have right of first refusal in our plan, which I am a little frustrated with. Her lawyer added it in right before we were about to settle our parenting plan so I did not argue with it at the time. What frustrates me is that it does not benefit me in anyway. Our plan states, "Father shall not leave the child with a babysitter during his parenting time except for work. Social visits and activities with her paternal grandmother shall not be considered "babysitting". If father needs a babysitter, he will offer Mother or her mother the opportunity to care for child."
The mother is in Oregon very often and her parents, my daughter's grandparents, live here so she wanted to control who helps me watch our daughter and give her parents extra time when they already get to see her more often than I do. I don't think this is fair considering it is not the same right for me and mother leaves our daughter with whomever she wants when in Washington for work or school (mother's cousin, her grandparents, her boyfriend). I don't need control over who watches our daughter when she is not with me and I want to feel like my family can watch her since their time with her is limited. Even with this clause about my mother, she has still given me a hard time about letting my mom watch our daughter over her parents. I feel like this needs to be removed from our plan because it is not even sided and with us already not getting along easily, it just gives her another reason to start conflict. I understand how this would be appropriate when parents live in same state and can both benefit, but otherwise I don't think it's necessary.

 

[mistoffolees]

We currently have right of first refusal in our plan, which I am a little frustrated with. Her lawyer added it in right before we were about to settle our parenting plan so I did not argue with it at the time. What frustrates me is that it does not benefit me in anyway. Our plan states, "Father shall not leave the child with a babysitter during his parenting time except for work. Social visits and activities with her paternal grandmother shall not be considered "babysitting". If father needs a babysitter, he will offer Mother or her mother the opportunity to care for child."
The mother is in Oregon very often and her parents, my daughter's grandparents, live here so she wanted to control who helps me watch our daughter and give her parents extra time when they already get to see her more often than I do. I don't think this is fair considering it is not the same right for me and mother leaves our daughter with whomever she wants when in Washington for work or school (mother's cousin, her grandparents, her boyfriend). I don't need control over who watches our daughter when she is not with me and I want to feel like my family can watch her since their time with her is limited. Even with this clause about my mother, she has still given me a hard time about letting my mom watch our daughter over her parents. I feel like this needs to be removed from our plan because it is not even sided and with us already not getting along easily, it just gives her another reason to start conflict. I understand how this would be appropriate when parents live in same state and can both benefit, but otherwise I don't think it's necessary.

No, it's probably not necessary in your case, nor is it a big deal.

I guess you could call Mom and say "I have to go out for 2 hours this evening. Do you want to drive down here from Oregon to watch the children for those 2 hours or should I get a sitter", but it's hardly reasonable to expect her to do that. I would probably do it just to make sure I was covered with the agreement and point out to her that it was her attorney who insisted that I did it.

It won't take long before she tells you not to bother for short times like that. Just make sure she does it in writing.

 

[LdiJ]

No, it's probably not necessary in your case, nor is it a big deal.

I guess you could call Mom and say "I have to go out for 2 hours this evening. Do you want to drive down here from Oregon to watch the children for those 2 hours or should I get a sitter", but it's hardly reasonable to expect her to do that. I would probably do it just to make sure I was covered with the agreement and point out to her that it was her attorney who insisted that I did it.

It won't take long before she tells you not to bother for short times like that. Just make sure she does it in writing.

Also, right of first refusal does NOT mean that you have to allow her parents to babysit before you allow someone else to do so. It only means that you have to allow HER the extra time before you allow someone else to watch the child. If she is trying to claim that right of first refusal includes the maternal grandparents, then you can tell her to pound sand on that one.

 

[trex1119]

Also, right of first refusal does NOT mean that you have to allow her parents to babysit before you allow someone else to do so. It only means that you have to allow HER the extra time before you allow someone else to watch the child. If she is trying to claim that right of first refusal includes the maternal grandparents, then you can tell her to pound sand on that one.

She specifically had it put in our plan that I had to offer her or her mother the option to care for child before I could let anyone else. I would think I'm expected to do so if it's written in our plan, but I think my lawyer should have told me that including her mother, maternal grandmother, in a right of first refusal type agreement was not necessary. She originally convinced me that she didn't care if my family or fiance watched her, but if i needed to say hire a babysitter because no one was available that she would like me to ask her or her parents. I agreed to this and signed the plan but then found out she expected me to give her parents visits every time I had our child and she hastled me about my mom watching child when I'm working instead of her folks. I think it's ridiculous that when she is out of town I'm expected to give her parents time over my own, which is why I would like this taken out.
This is all a learning process for me and I'm seeing now what things work and don't work in our plan.
Someone just mentioned today to me a out filing an injunction with the judge so mother cannot move over certain amount of miles away with child. Does anyone know about this? Also does mother have to agree if I want to try for at least joint legal custody, etc.

 

[LdiJ]

She specifically had it put in our plan that I had to offer her or her mother the option to care for child before I could let anyone else. I would think I'm expected to do so if it's written in our plan, but I think my lawyer should have told me that including her mother, maternal grandmother, in a right of first refusal type agreement was not necessary. She originally convinced me that she didn't care if my family or fiance watched her, but if i needed to say hire a babysitter because no one was available that she would like me to ask her or her parents. I agreed to this and signed the plan but then found out she expected me to give her parents visits every time I had our child and she hastled me about my mom watching child when I'm working instead of her folks. I think it's ridiculous that when she is out of town I'm expected to give her parents time over my own, which is why I would like this taken out.
This is all a learning process for me and I'm seeing now what things work and don't work in our plan.
Someone just mentioned today to me a out filing an injunction with the judge so mother cannot move over certain amount of miles away with child. Does anyone know about this? Also does mother have to agree if I want to try for at least joint legal custody, etc.

Unfortunately yes, if its in your orders you have to do it. Your attorney honestly should have advised you against that.

Again, before you do anything you need to wait and see what actually happens. At this point in time you really have no idea if she is going to be moving or not. If he washes out of basic or immediately gets deployed she is likely to not be going anywhere for quite some time.

 

[trex1119]

I now believe that my child's mother has moved back with her parents in Oregon and is not being honest with me about it. When I called to talk to my daughter she told me she was at her grandma's here in Oregon. I confronted mother about it and she then said that I could see her, though she did not offer this information before like she is supposed to. I asked how long she would be in Oregon for and she was very vague about it. She has quit her job in Washington and is no longer attending school., therefore she has no commitments in Washington. She is planning her wedding for December in Oregon and will know where her fiance is stationed in November like I mentioned before. If she is technically living back in Oregon right now, how can I prove it and what should I do? We are supposed to go to mediation if she moves and I would get more parenting time if she was in the same city again. I think she is lying about not living in Washington because she doesn't want to have to give me more time and modify our plan before she tries to move out of state again. She has lied to me many times before and I really feel like this is the case. Should I go ahead and ask her to go to mediation?

 

[mistoffolees]

I now believe that my child's mother has moved back with her parents in Oregon and is not being honest with me about it. When I called to talk to my daughter she told me she was at her grandma's here in Oregon. I confronted mother about it and she then said that I could see her, though she did not offer this information before like she is supposed to. I asked how long she would be in Oregon for and she was very vague about it. She has quit her job in Washington and is no longer attending school., therefore she has no commitments in Washington. She is planning her wedding for December in Oregon and will know where her fiance is stationed in November like I mentioned before. If she is technically living back in Oregon right now, how can I prove it and what should I do? We are supposed to go to mediation if she moves and I would get more parenting time if she was in the same city again. I think she is lying about not living in Washington because she doesn't want to have to give me more time and modify our plan before she tries to move out of state again. She has lied to me many times before and I really feel like this is the case. Should I go ahead and ask her to go to mediation?

You need to start by determining the difference between suspicions and evidence. What is the evidence that she has moved? Have you verified that her home or apartment is empty? That she has a job or goes to school in Oregon?

 

[trex1119]

You need to start by determining the difference between suspicions and evidence. What is the evidence that she has moved? Have you verified that her home or apartment is empty? That she has a job or goes to school in Oregon?

It is hard to verify because she has gone from living with her parents in Oregon to her grandparents in Washington, therefore she does not have her own address. She has her grandparent's address filed with the court though I know that since she has lived in Washington for the past two years she has gone from living with her cousin, to her grandparents, to her then boyfriend back to her grandparents, back with her boyfriend, and then finally back in with her grandparents. I know that she has not been in school since spring and quit her job at a coffee shop as soon as she got engaged last month. She has been in Oregon for over a week and when I called yesterday I found out from my daugther they were still here even though mother previously told me she was going back last thursday or something. She will definitely be here through next weekend because I am watching my daughter this upcoming Saturday for some event mother is going to. She is often dishonest with me about when she is in town to keep from giving me extra parenting time with my child, which is part of our agreement. She doesn't have to work because her bills are taken care of so it has been easy for her to go back and forth between states. I know she doesn't like living in Washington, but her grandparents were paying for all of her bills as long as she went to community college. She moved out of her parents' place in Oregon because they had asked that she start paying rent, which she didn't want to do. If she is getting married and her soon to be husband will be caring for her financially I believe her parents would let her move back in and pay her bills until her wedding. I think it will become very obvious with time that she is in Oregon and not Washington, which I'm sure she hasn't thought through completely. My focus is tyring to modify our plan while she is in Oregon which I believe will make it harder for her to move our child far away when she tries to relocate with her fiance for the army. I also want to increase my time if she is in my city again.

 

[stealth2]

You're still not getting it - none of that is proof of anything. For all you know, she decided to stay an extra few weeks 'cause she could. Doesn't mean she's moving.

 

[mistoffolees]

It is hard to verify because she has gone from living with her parents in Oregon to her grandparents in Washington, therefore she does not have her own address. She has her grandparent's address filed with the court though I know that since she has lived in Washington for the past two years she has gone from living with her cousin, to her grandparents, to her then boyfriend back to her grandparents, back with her boyfriend, and then finally back in with her grandparents. I know that she has not been in school since spring and quit her job at a coffee shop as soon as she got engaged last month. She has been in Oregon for over a week and when I called yesterday I found out from my daugther they were still here even though mother previously told me she was going back last thursday or something. She will definitely be here through next weekend because I am watching my daughter this upcoming Saturday for some event mother is going to. She is often dishonest with me about when she is in town to keep from giving me extra parenting time with my child, which is part of our agreement. She doesn't have to work because her bills are taken care of so it has been easy for her to go back and forth between states. I know she doesn't like living in Washington, but her grandparents were paying for all of her bills as long as she went to community college. She moved out of her parents' place in Oregon because they had asked that she start paying rent, which she didn't want to do. If she is getting married and her soon to be husband will be caring for her financially I believe her parents would let her move back in and pay her bills until her wedding. I think it will become very obvious with time that she is in Oregon and not Washington, which I'm sure she hasn't thought through completely. My focus is tyring to modify our plan while she is in Oregon which I believe will make it harder for her to move our child far away when she tries to relocate with her fiance for the army. I also want to increase my time if she is in my city again.

So you're concluding that she moved to Oregon because she has been there for a week or so? Sorry, that's not going to fly.

You can file for her to be held in contempt for not telling you when she was in the state, but proving it may be difficult.

Talk with an attorney about whether you have enough to file for a change in parenting plan.