My ex is telling lies to our son

[Arriane]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

Up until a year ago my ex and I got along ok, we could communicate and even did stuff together with our son. He gets visitation every other weekend, which up until a year ago he didn't use often. I have never denied him time with our son even on weekends that weren't his. Even when he did take him he wouldn't spend time with him. Our son would always come home and say he wishes his dad would play with him. Our son will soon be 8 by the way.

About a year ago I got a new boyfriend, the only one I’ve had since the divorce, which was about 6 years ago. All of a sudden my ex has become super dad of the year, which is fine it's got to be better than ignoring him.

Last summer while he had him for a month he told him lies about my boyfriend and I. He also told him about serial killers and other scary things that I really don't think are appropriate for a 6-7 year old. I know he said these things because our son told me when I got him back. Throughout the year he continues to tell me things his dad says about us.

He has told him that I can't protect him against "bad guys" and that they could break into the house at night and hurt him. Which has made him scared to go to bed.

He has told him that he doesn't trust me or any of my friends.

He took him to the Dr. 3 times without my knowledge and got him shots and had him checked for sexual abuse.

He calls every day sometimes 2 and 3 times. Once when I was making my son a Legend of Zelda shield he called and when he found out what I was doing he told my son the glue I was using is poison and will make him sick.

He told him he can't shower in my bathroom anymore because he'll get Athlete's foot. Excuse me but this is my house not his.

He sleeps in the same bed with him while he has our son.

He bought him real ninja weapons for xmas, not the practice ones but the real razor sharp ones.

He refuses to talk to me about anything, he has our son do it. Which makes me the bad guy if i say no.

This is by no means everything but this last lie he told is the worst.

Little background here...We both have 2 older kids in their 20's by previous marriages.

He told our son that my younger daughter tried to kill him. He said he walked in on her feeding him little pieces of wire. He rushed him to the hospital in time to save him from a perforated intestine. What bothers me is he believes him. He can't see how crazy of a story that is. I can assure you it never happened.

I don't know what to do, all these lies are affecting him. He's not as affectionate to me anymore in fact sometimes he's just plain mean. Sometimes it seems as though he's only here because he has to be. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Proserpina]

Is your son in counseling?

If not, I strongly suggest you get him into counseling.

This...might seem like an odd question but has your ex ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia or similar?

 

[Arriane]

Yes he's been in counseling for about a month, too soon to see if it's helping. Of course now he's told his dad about it. At first i didn't tell him why he was seeing her or who she was. But i have since told him that she is someone he can talk to about things that may confuse him and that he can tell her anything. Now his dad wants names of everyone that provides care for our son. He knows who is Dr. is so I imagine he's wanting to know who this person is that our son only knows by her first name.

As for being diagnosed with schizophrenia or similar, I've thought for a long time there is something wrong there because even prior to all this there were signs and after the divorce he was taking some sort of medication but i don't recall what it was so i'm not totally sure about any dianosis.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Have you kept a log of these incidents?

 

[Silverplum]

What type of legal custody do you and Dad have? Joint legal? You have sole legal? Were you two married when Son was born?

We need to know some specifics of your legal status wrt Dad. Are there any court orders?

 

[MichaCA]

Thats great you have your son in counseling. Is co-parent counseling a possibility? If court ends up on the horizen, thats something you may want to consider requesting. I know sometimes a parent isn't suited for coparent counseling, yet sometimes it helps.

Legally, if you have the money, I would talk with an attorney about a custody/psych evaluation. They are expensive, AND invasive...however my exp. is its with a clinical psychologist and they get underneath things, and then make specific custody and visitation recommendations to court based on that. You may want to keep that in mind if things continue to get ugly, or out of control.

 

[Arriane]

What type of legal custody do you and Dad have? Joint legal? You have sole legal? Were you two married when Son was born?

I have sole legal custody and yes we were married when he was born. By court orders do you mean the actual divorce papers? Because i do have those that specify visitation and CS.


I have not kept an official log with dates, but i do have it all written down. I've been told everything he tells me is heresay and proves nothing.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

But the conversation between you and your son is NOT hearsay. So, if you state the child had a nightmare and stated X, that is NOT hearsay. It isn't hearsay that dad is using the child as a messenger.

 

[Silverplum]

I have sole legal custody

Great! That means, among other things, you do not have to ask/receive Dad's permission or cooperation to have your son in therapy.

and yes we were married when he was born. By court orders do you mean the actual divorce papers? Because i do have those that specify visitation and CS.

Yes, I do mean the specifics -- but since you answered the Important Question, I don't need to know more. Most times, we have to drag folks through their court orders to find out what's what. You already knew.

I have not kept an official log with dates, but i do have it all written down. I've been told everything he tells me is heresay and proves nothing.

That's where the therapist comes in. Mandatory reporter. So are teachers.

I can tell you that about half of the incidents you list in your initial post are parenting differences. No big deal, really.

One you can put a stop to is Dad's taking Son to the doctor without you, and getting shots. He can't do either of those things. He does not have sole legal custody. YOU do.

 

[Arriane]

Another thing, would it be a bad thing if i confronted my ex about some of these lies he's told? Or should i just bite my tongue and go through legal channels to take care of it.

 

[Silverplum]

I'm going to quickly run through this and tell you what's "illegal" and what's a "parenting difference."

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

Up until a year ago my ex and I got along ok, we could communicate and even did stuff together with our son. He gets visitation every other weekend, which up until a year ago he didn't use often.

That's his right. He doesn't have to use the time. He can decide to use it.

I have never denied him time with our son even on weekends that weren't his. Even when he did take him he wouldn't spend time with him. Our son would always come home and say he wishes his dad would play with him. Our son will soon be 8 by the way.

He doesn't have to spend every minute with the child. You don't. Nobody does.

About a year ago I got a new boyfriend, the only one I’ve had since the divorce, which was about 6 years ago. All of a sudden my ex has become super dad of the year, which is fine it's got to be better than ignoring him.

That's a good attitude!

Last summer while he had him for a month he told him lies about my boyfriend and I. He also told him about serial killers and other scary things that I really don't think are appropriate for a 6-7 year old. I know he said these things because our son told me when I got him back.

Parenting difference.

Throughout the year he continues to tell me things his dad says about us.

He has told him that I can't protect him against "bad guys" and that they could break into the house at night and hurt him. Which has made him scared to go to bed.

Parenting difference.

He has told him that he doesn't trust me or any of my friends.

Parenting difference.

He took him to the Dr. 3 times without my knowledge and got him shots and had him checked for sexual abuse.

Likely against the sole legal custody agreement.

He calls every day sometimes 2 and 3 times.

Not illegal.
Not reasonable, either. You can get it court ordered that he can call once a day, or every other day, or whatever. Make sure Son calls Dad back.

Once when I was making my son a Legend of Zelda shield he called and when he found out what I was doing he told my son the glue I was using is poison and will make him sick.

Parenting difference.

He told him he can't shower in my bathroom anymore because he'll get Athlete's foot. Excuse me but this is my house not his.

He sleeps in the same bed with him while he has our son.

Parenting differences.

He bought him real ninja weapons for xmas, not the practice ones but the real razor sharp ones.

Parenting difference.

He refuses to talk to me about anything, he has our son do it. Which makes me the bad guy if i say no.

Partly parenting difference. Partly controlling jerk. You can have it court ordered that neither parent may use the child as a mouthpiece.

Of course, it's against the law to rob banks. People still do it. You can't legislate or court order every single little thing.

This is by no means everything but this last lie he told is the worst.

Little background here...We both have 2 older kids in their 20's by previous marriages.

He told our son that my younger daughter tried to kill him. He said he walked in on her feeding him little pieces of wire. He rushed him to the hospital in time to save him from a perforated intestine. What bothers me is he believes him. He can't see how crazy of a story that is. I can assure you it never happened.

I don't know what to tell you about that one.

I don't know what to do, all these lies are affecting him. He's not as affectionate to me anymore in fact sometimes he's just plain mean. Sometimes it seems as though he's only here because he has to be. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Remember, he's also a child. Children, under the best of circumstances, are weird.

The therapy will help.

 

[Silverplum]

Another thing, would it be a bad thing if i confronted my ex about some of these lies he's told? Or should i just bite my tongue and go through legal channels to take care of it.

Where's that plan going to take you, really?

You know him. We don't. It's up to you.

 

[LdiJ]

Another thing, would it be a bad thing if i confronted my ex about some of these lies he's told? Or should i just bite my tongue and go through legal channels to take care of it.

I would wait until the therapy for your son has gone on a bit longer, see if the therapist is hearing the same things from the child, and then perhaps suggest that dad should meet with the child's therapist.

 

[Arriane]

thanks for all the advice, i really appreciate it.

One more thing, our divorce papers state under the Parental Rights section:

Unless otherwise ordered by the Court, as to each child of the parties, each parent shall continue to have the right to:

Consult with any person who may provide care or treatment for the child and to inspect and receive the child's medical, dental and psychological records.

He's asking for a list of people providing care to our son, he knows who his pediatrician is do i have to tell him who his therapist is?

 

[proud_parent]

He's asking for a list of people providing care to our son, he knows who his pediatrician is do i have to tell him who his therapist is?

Yes, you should give Dad the therapist's name and contact information.

You should also make certain that the therapist knows that you have sole legal custody and that Dad does not have the right to participate in treatment decisions. Provide the therapist with a copy of your court order if s/he requests it.

You may also consider giving the therapist Dad's name and contact information, if you have not already done so. The therapist may wish to contact Dad proactively -- and given the circumstances, that may be a good thing for several reasons.