My ex threatens me daily to go back to court, call cps or the cops out here...

[momof4kids]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN

Really quick story: we have been divorced a couple months, he's so ticked. He did not even show up to the court for the divorce, we served him twice and I told him about it over and over. He never thought I'd finally go thru with it. I'm so happy I did. It's been a horrible marriage, he's an alcoholic and previous drug abuser, he's been physically abusive to me and daily mental and emotional abuse was too much for anyone to deal with as long as I have. So the judge did what I asked - joint legal, me with full physical with him normal visitation, him moving out of the rental on the 1st, he was ordered not to drink while with the kids, child support of $200/month for 2 kids. When he got the paperwork he was livid over the child support. He did leave on the 1st, and after he moved out my oldest son moved back in with me. He is almost 20 and moved out at age 16 b/c he hated his stepdad, my ex picked on my oldest the most for some reason, so he moved in with my parents.

My ex sees that he's moved back and and goes berserk, he just can't handle it. My son has been a huge help with me and the kids, (4 total, and now that he's back all 4 live with me, youngest 10) I had surgery on my foot so he's had to help me, then I had an emergency surgery on a kidney stone, so he's really been a blessing.

Anyways, my ex texts me almost every single day, or tells me when he drops by to see the girls, etc... that he's going to call cps, the cops or take me to court b/c my oldest son smokes pot. Yes, he does occasionally smoke pot. He NEVER smokes around the kids, no one has ever seen him do it, he's respectful of my rules NOT in my house, not around the kids, not while driving, etc... My daughter tells me today that ex came over while me and my other 2 were at church and he came inside the house and went into the spare bedroom and felt around on high dresser (it's about 6 ft tall) and took a picture of something. When I asked him about it, he said he took a picture of my son's little pipe and then I guess some kind of bag with pot.

He keeps saying he's calling this place or that place. I doubt he will, but the stress of worrying that if he did that I will have to go back to court, and he would win full physical custody. He said he's getting an attny and they told him he will win full custody. Or my fear is having to pay for an attny again which I can't afford, or that my son will get into trouble for smoking pot.

Do I love pot? No. but he's 20 and what he does away from my house is his life, I'm not worried that he's doing anything other than pot and although I'm not a smoker I know cousins, friends and other family who have smoked with friends during their younger years and they are perfectly fine. So I just don't want him in trouble, me in trouble b/c I allowed MY son to move back in here, or the girls paying the price. If this makes sense and you have any advice, even if it's to ignore my ex and just stop worrying all the time, that would make me feel better. TIA everyone. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN

Really quick story: we have been divorced a couple months, he's so ticked. He did not even show up to the court for the divorce, we served him twice and I told him about it over and over. He never thought I'd finally go thru with it. I'm so happy I did. It's been a horrible marriage, he's an alcoholic and previous drug abuser, he's been physically abusive to me and daily mental and emotional abuse was too much for anyone to deal with as long as I have. So the judge did what I asked - joint legal, me with full physical with him normal visitation, him moving out of the rental on the 1st, he was ordered not to drink while with the kids, child support of $200/month for 2 kids. When he got the paperwork he was livid over the child support. He did leave on the 1st, and after he moved out my oldest son moved back in with me. He is almost 20 and moved out at age 16 b/c the horrible dysfunctional household, my ex picked on my oldest the most for some reason, so he moved in with my parents.

My ex sees that he's moved back and and goes berserk, he just can't handle it. My son has been a huge help with me and the kids, (4 total, and now that he's back all 4 live with me, youngest 10) I had surgery on my foot so he's had to help me, then I had an emergency surgery on a kidney stone, so he's really been a blessing.

Anyways, my ex texts me almost every single day, or tells me when he drops by to see the girls, etc... that he's going to call cps, the cops or take me to court b/c my oldest son smokes pot. Yes, he does occasionally smoke pot. He NEVER smokes around the kids, no one has ever seen him do it, he's respectful of my rules NOT in my house, not around the kids, not while driving, etc... My daughter tells me today that ex came over while me and my other 2 were at church and he came inside the house and went into the spare bedroom and felt around on high dresser (it's about 6 ft tall) and took a picture of something. When I asked him about it, he said he took a picture of my son's little pipe and then I guess some kind of bag with pot.

He keeps saying he's calling this place or that place. I doubt he will, but the stress of worrying that if he did that I will have to go back to court, and he would win full physical custody. He said he's getting an attny and they told him he will win full custody. Or my fear is having to pay for an attny again which I can't afford, or that my son will get into trouble for smoking pot.

Do I love pot? No. but he's 20 and what he does away from my house is his life, I'm not worried that he's doing anything other than pot and although I'm not a smoker I know cousins, friends and other family who have smoked with friends during their younger years and they are perfectly fine. So I just don't want him in trouble, me in trouble b/c I allowed MY son to move back in here, or the girls paying the price. If this makes sense and you have any advice, even if it's to ignore my ex and just stop worrying all the time, that would make me feel better. TIA everyone. Happy Thanksgiving!

So when it comes down to it, who are you going to choose?

No, I'm not going to tell you lies to make you feel better and I gotta tell you, Mom, that I think you know fine well that there's at least some bite to Dad's allegations.

 

[momof4kids]

Yes I know my 20 year old smokes pot occasionally. What really jerks my chain is there have been times my son came to visit just a few months before I filled, I wake up and hear them in the garage and open the door to see them BOTH smoking pot out there. So he has no issues with smoking pot himself, he has no problem snorting pills or drinking, but it's' just a way to try and win something over me. He doesn't want to pay child support. He's sent a text that says "drop the child support and I won't do anything"
I"m not going to lay down and do what he says any longer.

 

[momof4kids]

I honestly think my ex thinks if I my son leaves the house I will allow him to leave. Their relationship has turned so bad they can't live in the same house together. My son hates him and my ex isn't fond of him. Sad thing is that he was primarily his father growing up, since he was preschool aged. I won't let him move back in though, no matter what. Now that he's gone I realized how bad things really were/are.

My kids are in no danger, in fact, my ex is more of a danger than my son could be that's for sure.

 

[LdiJ]

I honestly think my ex thinks if I my son leaves the house I will allow him to leave. Their relationship has turned so bad they can't live in the same house together. My son hates him and my ex isn't fond of him. Sad thing is that he was primarily his father growing up, since he was preschool aged. I won't let him move back in though, no matter what. Now that he's gone I realized how bad things really were/are.

My kids are in no danger, in fact, my ex is more of a danger than my son could be that's for sure.

At a minimum you need to tell your son that he needs to get anything pot related OUT of your house and keep it out of your house.

 

[mommyanme]

My biggest question is why in the HE-Double Hockey Sticks are you or anyone else allowing your ex into YOUR HOME? Is he pushing his way in or being invited in? Either way YOU need to make it STOP.
As far as son, ask your adult child which means more to him? And tell him there will be periodic inspections to make sure anything relating to it is NOT in your home, that includes son's car!

 

[commentator]

You ex (and I notice how much you love calling him that) hasn't really left. Your behavior is what is telling him that if he could just get the young man out of your house, he'd be forcing his way back in there in no time. You say he texts you every day. What is stopping you from blocking him? You say when he "drops by to see the girls" He feels free to do that just any old time, I suppose? And when you find out he has been in your house? Huh? YOUR behavior is what is sending him the mixed messages.

Frankly, I think that in this situation, you are going to be so weak, and he is in such a habit of bullying you, that you should not even attempt to deal with him any way but legally through the courts. What do you want us to do, reassure you and pat your hand and tell you he can't report you to CPS or take the kids away from you or whatever? When you BOTH know you've got an active pot smoker in your home, and that's still illegal in your state.

Even if he used to smoke with your son, and you know he's still drugging and drinking around the children, just because he is doesn't mean you're home free. Right now both your behaviors are on the level of grade school kids kicking each other in the shins and calling names. You are being bullied, and you are accepting such bullying. And you are SOOooo pitiful, you want us to understand that your twenty year old is doing you such a favor by being there....that you can't be expected to ask him to give up his smoke while in the house to the extent that he does not expose your younger children to it? Bull-oney!

You're just everybody's target, aren't you? I'm sorry, but when you're providing this son with a home and such, he can accommodate you to the extent that your custody arrangements are not jeopardized. And you are going to have to speak firmly to your "ex" as you call him, (who's really not, based on both your behaviors.) He's blackmailing you about the child support. It's not that he can't help it, he's doing all this stuff to you and threatening you with DHS and CPS and the courts just because he doesn't want to pay up, and he's told you that flat out. Save that text, incidentally, and show it to your attorney.

Clean up your household, and get a restraining order. If he pushes his way in, call the police. I know you just wish he'd go away and leave you alone. If that's really all you want, drop the child support (unless it is being done through the courts, and then he's nagging the wrong party!) and roll over. Or let him move back in so he'll quit nagging you. There's nothing like wasting the court's time and the attorney fees to get a divorce and then letting it not count.

 

[momof4kids]

You ex (and I notice how much you love calling him that) hasn't really left.

What should I call him?



No I don't let him in the house, he comes by when I am home and uses the garage code or the kids allow him in. As far as why he's allowed ONLY IN THE GARAGE is b/c our landlord had him do landscaping for him in return of a $200 credit in rent. Well when we split, I tried to get a cheaper place and couldn't so I am still in the house, I can't really afford it even, but b/c he kept his landscaping equipment here (there's a ton) I still get that credit.

The child support is through the courts, not me, I haven't even got anything yet.

I will not allow him in this house. Yes our marriage has been a decade of bullying, he's been very abusive and I'm beat down, and yes this is so hard. I've got 2 girls who are confused and just miss their dad. Courts set up 4 hours after school one day a week and every other weekend and I hate for them to only see him that little of time, but I guess if I need to do that I will. I just hate to be like that.

As far as my son, yes he does smoke pot and yes I know that. Yes he did have that pipe in the house and X did come in the house that time and took pics. After that I told him he was no longer allowed inside the house, only in the garage where his equipment is but not in the house. As far as I know he's not been back in here. (He did say b/c of that credit and his stuff in the garage he must have access to that, I'm waiting to find out from my attny if that's true or not. ) My son is no longer keeping anything in the house, and he's never ever smoked around the kids, in front of the kids, I would never allow that and he'd never do that. They don't know anything about it.

I'm sorry that this seems silly or dumb to some of you but this is hard on me. I love my son and he's very depressed. His father has all but disowned him, he was with my parents and he had to leave there so my house is about it for him. I'm trying to get him into some therapy and some help and I am...no matter if he was here or not I will NEVER go back to my ex. Under no circumstance. I know see how really serious our relationship was as far as abuse and control. It was so bad, I don't have any friends left b/c they slowly stopped talking to me and I only now am seeing all that. I knew it was bad, but you don't see things clearly until the cancer is taken away I guess.

 

[momof4kids]

I haven't blocked his number b/c we do text about the kids, "child 1 wants to come to your house today, can you come by and get her" or whatever. I didn't want to only give him "Indiana parenting timeline" to see his girls, I wanted him to see them when he wanted and the girls when they wanted vs scheduled times. I told him today I wanted to go by the courts for the girls time and he says "well be prepared to have your piece of **** son kicked out of your house very very soon" He texts me and calls my son my "boyfriend" and a "Piece of ****" "waste of life" ect... it's just horrible. He raised him from age 6. Who does that kind of stuff?? I never would've thought he would. I know he can't tell me who can live in my house as long as his children are safe. I mean hell what if I get remarried one day? Can he say they can't live with me? I just hate all of this stuff. Thank you for all the honest advice, I may not like to hear it but I do appreciate it.

 

[Proserpina]

I haven't blocked his number b/c we do text about the kids, "child 1 wants to come to your house today, can you come by and get her" or whatever. I didn't want to only give him "Indiana parenting timeline" to see his girls, I wanted him to see them when he wanted and the girls when they wanted vs scheduled times. I told him today I wanted to go by the courts for the girls time and he says "well be prepared to have your piece of **** son kicked out of your house very very soon" He texts me and calls my son my "boyfriend" and a "Piece of ****" "waste of life" ect... it's just horrible. He raised him from age 6. Who does that kind of stuff?? I never would've thought he would. I know he can't tell me who can live in my house as long as his children are safe. I mean hell what if I get remarried one day? Can he say they can't live with me? I just hate all of this stuff. Thank you for all the honest advice, I may not like to hear it but I do appreciate it.

Your ex cannot force you to do anything. But he can certainly try to get the court to do it for him.

 

[momof4kids]

Well sure the courts can. I guess what would he have to file to get my son to leave? Would he need to go for full custody?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Reality is that your ADULT son should help by getting some form of employment and contributing towards the household. The X should take his lawn equipment. What was the rent credit that was received? Mowing your own lawn? Son can do that.

Remove your X's access to your home.

 

[stealth2]

At the end of the day, the solution is ridiculously simple. Let your son know that, while you appreciate all of his help, you cannot jeopardize the rest of the kids, so - he must either make certain there is no illegal substance (OR associated paraphernalia) in your home or he must leave. Easy peasy.

 

[LdiJ]

Well sure the courts can. I guess what would he have to file to get my son to leave? Would he need to go for full custody?

Its not that simple. He would have to prove that your son was a danger to the children. He is not going to be able to do that. Even if he proves that your son is an occasional pot user, with hard evidence like your son being arrested for pot (not just pictures that could have been staged) its generally not going to be enough to prove him dangerous to the children.

However again, make it crystal clear to your son that he cannot have anything at all in your home related to illegal drugs.

 

[commentator]

You need to be working with a counselor or therapist yourself. Spending years in a controlled, abusive relationship is damaging. It will seriously affect your ability to think straight about your situation. I understand very much and am very sympathetic with your situation, but what you want to do is have the behavior stop without your having to be forceful, firm or confrontational in any way. And that's not going to happen, if your ex can bully you, he will keep doing it. It has always worked, why should he change?

You need to get that sympathetic tone out of your dealings with your son. He is a grown up, pretty much, and does not need the 'poor baby' deal you keep throwing his way. He needs a job, he needs to get the pot out of your house, he needs to quit being part of your problem and become a help to you. You have to help him move into this position.

As far as listening to your ex's verbal abuse and threats, just DON"T. When he starts verbally abusing get off the phone, close the email,etc. I know it makes him angry and when he's angry he gets worse and ups the ante and says worse and worse things. What if you are not around to hear it? This is where a counselor who is helpful about how to deal with verbal abuse would be good for you. In the years you have been together you have developed a "dance of anger" that is your standard way of relating to each other. It will not end and you will not get rid of each other until one or another of you changes your responses and behavior. That's gotta be you, as he's pretty much okay with it, except that you got out of line and pulled this trick of making him move out. Now he's trying to drag you back into line.

Someday, he'll get over it. He will move on. You will move on. But in the meantime you need to get to where you do not have to subject yourself to his threats and ugly talk. Good luck to you, it can happen, but it is tough going in the meantime.