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My Ex is turning my kids against me

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davexan

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Delaware:(

My son, who is 18, spent the summer with his father- after his first year at college. During this timeframe, he decided not to go back to school and enlisted in the Marines. I have only seen or spoken to him a handful of times, when I can get through to him. His father told me that my son hates me and does not want anything to do with me. My ex told me that his (ex) goal is to turn our 12 year old daughter against me too.
My ex and I share custody, but I am the primary custodian. I would rather have my daughter with me full time, but she said it would be easier to spend time with both parents- so I honored her decision.

My ex has a history of questionable mental health- he is a retired Marine and also works in the Prison system. He has not faired well on his mental health tests. My question is: If I chose to go back and try to obtain full custody, can I request a mental health evaluation to use in the hearing?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


momofrose

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Delaware:(

My son, who is 18, spent the summer with his father- after his first year at college. During this timeframe, he decided not to go back to school and enlisted in the Marines.

Semper Fi

I have only seen or spoken to him a handful of times, when I can get through to him. His father told me that my son hates me and does not want anything to do with me.

Prove that his father has naything to do with these supposed feelings.

My ex told me that his (ex) goal is to turn our 12 year old daughter against me too.

Prove that too.


My ex and I share custody, but I am the primary custodian. I would rather have my daughter with me full time, but she said it would be easier to spend time with both parents- so I honored her decision.

Shared custody (when parents live in close proximity) is usually better.

My ex has a history of questionable mental health- he is a retired Marine and also works in the Prison system. He has not faired well on his mental health tests.

What mental tests? When did he take these tests? Were these tests taken before custody was arranged and agreed upon?

My question is: If I chose to go back and try to obtain full custody, can I request a mental health evaluation to use in the hearing?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
You can request an evaluation, but he will (no doubt) ask one of you too and a private physchologist (appointed by the court) will run you about $5000.00 each.
 

TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
Children do not have a say in visitation or where they live until they are 18. :eek:

Your son can do as he wishes, within the law, since he is now over 18.

Your daughter (at age 12) has to do what she is told to do. Parents have to follow the court order. Or do you let her decide not to go to school, the doctor, dentist...? :eek:
 

truebluemd

Senior Member
Your son is now 18 and on his own time, and regardless of the influences, he can quit school and join the marines if he wants. The responsibilities and burdens of his choices from now on will be on him to deal with and hopefully you will be there to support him.

As far as your daughter, you can only be the best parent you can be, and hopefully your daughter is wise enough to not give into dad alleged attempts at alienation.
 

Madison31

Member
In my state, the judge will listen to a 12 year old. I'm not saying he will do what the child requests, but he will listen to her.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
In my state, the judge will listen to a 12 year old. I'm not saying he will do what the child requests, but he will listen to her.
I would bet that in YOUR state, a judge MAY listen to a 12yo. Not that a judge necessarily will. And is YOUR state the same as OP's state?
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I would bet that in YOUR state, a judge MAY listen to a 12yo. Not that a judge necessarily will. And is YOUR state the same as OP's state?
I all reality, I can come up with, from memory, several cases in just about every state in the US where a judge has listened to/questioned a child over 12 in chambers (and sometimes younger too) Its not as unusual as we lead people to believe here.

I also know that children's wishes are often given greater weight by judges than we tend to indicate here...particularly when judges feel that parents are equally fit, and the child is over 12. (I am referring to primary custody NOT visitation)

Does that mean that the parent should automatically go with the child's wishes if they are over 12? Absolutely not, that's bad parenting. Should the parent be prepared in case their child's wishes ARE given serious weight by a judge? Absolutely yes.

I can name dozens of cases where, in my opinion, there should have been no way in heck that a judge should have agreed to change custody...where parental alienation was clear, and there was no way that a custody change should happen, yet the judge spoke to the child in chambers and the change DID happen.

Of course I also know of many cases where the change did not happen.

I don't like the way that we answer this one. I think that we are too simplistic. I think that teen's wishes are given more weight, on average, than we tend to indicate.
 

Madison31

Member
i never said MY state was the same as the poster's state.

I stated what judges can, and often do in my state. I take back what I said when I said the judge "will"listen. Obviously I'm not the judge, so how would I know, right? My point in giving this information to HER, was so she can look into what age judges will consider the child's opinion in her own state.

Not every state requires a child to be 18 before a judge will listen to them.
 

TinkerBelleLuvr

Senior Member
Madison, there has to be more than just "the child wants a change at 12-14-16". If there are other factors in a "change of circumstances", then yes, it can make a difference.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
I all reality, I can come up with, from memory, several cases in just about every state in the US where a judge has listened to/questioned a child over 12 in chambers (and sometimes younger too) Its not as unusual as we lead people to believe here.

I also know that children's wishes are often given greater weight by judges than we tend to indicate here...particularly when judges feel that parents are equally fit, and the child is over 12. (I am referring to primary custody NOT visitation)

Does that mean that the parent should automatically go with the child's wishes if they are over 12? Absolutely not, that's bad parenting. Should the parent be prepared in case their child's wishes ARE given serious weight by a judge? Absolutely yes.

I can name dozens of cases where, in my opinion, there should have been no way in heck that a judge should have agreed to change custody...where parental alienation was clear, and there was no way that a custody change should happen, yet the judge spoke to the child in chambers and the change DID happen.

Of course I also know of many cases where the change did not happen.

I don't like the way that we answer this one. I think that we are too simplistic. I think that teen's wishes are given more weight, on average, than we tend to indicate.
Judges very well may have an in camera with a child but that doesn't mean they abide by the child's wishes. They will take the child's wishes into consideration but to say that a child gets to choose or that it is even the ONLY factor or the predominant factor is not true. No state puts that decision on a child's back.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Judges very well may have an in camera with a child but that doesn't mean they abide by the child's wishes. They will take the child's wishes into consideration but to say that a child gets to choose or that it is even the ONLY factor or the predominant factor is not true. No state puts that decision on a child's back.
State law does not, but I have seen many judges actually do that. That's why I think that our answers here are too simplistic. I would hate to see someone not prepare a strong defense to a custody suit, because they believe that no judge will allow a teen to choose.
 

ErinGoBragh

Senior Member
State law does not, but I have seen many judges actually do that. That's why I think that our answers here are too simplistic. I would hate to see someone not prepare a strong defense to a custody suit, because they believe that no judge will allow a teen to choose.
I tend to agree. They sometimes do take it into consideration, more than one might think. In my case, there were factors of abuse, but I had to go before the judge when I was 12 or 14, can't remember exactly what age. He asked me some questions about the abuse, then asked me how often I would like to see my father. I said never. He did the same for my sisters. My father ended up having no physical custody of me, and supervised visitation with my sisters, who still wanted to see him. Again, there were factors of abuse there, but clearly each of our individual wishes were taken into account, and entered into the order, by the judge. So I would say sometimes wishes of the children carry quite a bit of weight.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
"Sometimes" is the key. There are judges who will never listen to a child under 18. There are others who will and give them some amount of weight. But the fact remains - children do not get to choose. SOMETIMES, they get to express their wishes. And SOMETIMES, a judge will consider them.
 

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