Need advice regarding supervised visitation

[jrini]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

Last year I obtained a 5 year CPO against ex that covers both me & DS as protected persons. I was filing for myself because he was abusive toward me & then he got an OVI with DS in the car. CSB investigated & substantiated abuse, they warned me not to let ex see DS unsupervised. So I got the ex parte order covering us both with the intention to have supervised visitation outlined at the full hearing. Ex got another OVI & wasn't at the full hearing so it was left as is leaving it up to him to file for a modification to seek visitation.

A year later he's never filed anything aside from an objection to child support (which was denied). He's complained to his family that I "won't let him see" DS but has not done a thing to seek visitation legally, he apparently wants me to simply ignore the order (not going to happen, he shouldn't be allowed to see DS until it's supervised & outlined legally). I've held off on filing the modification myself because he has a history of drug & alcohol abuse & was using when we split up & I obtained the order. Until recently I've known nothing concrete about if he was or not, just rumors that he wasn't do well.

Well now I've found out he's picked up a F5 Heroin Possession case & is trying to get into the felony drug court (per the court dockets). My understanding of the felony drug program in this county is that they run a tight ship & don't mess around - you get your stuff together or serve the time. Court weekly, drug testing 2x weekly, maybe rehab, AA, find a job, ect. If I'm going to modify the order this seems like the time to do it as he will already be in an intensive program & having access to ds being tied to his success in that program might be a good motivator.

If I did this would it be reasonable to ask that eventually obtaining unsupervised visitation be contingent on successfully completing the drug courts requirements? And stay compliant with the drug courts requirement to continue supervised visitation? Could it also be contingent on him completing a drug treatment program also, if that isn't going to be required by the drug court? I don't know what is standard as far requirements for supervised visitation in these situations so any of your input & knowledge in this area is much appreciated.

Should I even be considering filing a modification? I can't help but think he made his own mess & needs to clean it up & take the initiative to see his son himself. The mom in me sees my son missing his dad & seeking male attention which breaks my heart, but the rational part of me thinks this is ex's responsibility to take care of & I shouldn't still be fixing his messes. And please no flames, I'm just trying to do what's best for ds in an incredibly messed up situation & looking for input from those who know the ropes better than I. It has never been my intention to keep ds from his dad, only to ensure his safety & well being - mental & physical. I've struggled with whether or not to file in the past but not knowing his dad's state I felt he'd be better not seeing his dad at all for the time being than taking the chance of him seeing dad strung out. Now ex is supposedly clean & living with his sister & trying to get his life together.

Sorry, one more thing - is this a situation I shouldn't even touch without an attorney? With my sons safety on the line if we end up with a less than satisfactory order, I'm thinking I'll need representation if I decide to do this. I think I would be eligible for my local Community Legal Aid Service as I'm very low income & have no criminal record, I'm not positive if they do custody/visitation though.

Thanks!

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

Last year I obtained a 5 year CPO against ex that covers both me & DS as protected persons. I was filing for myself because he was abusive toward me & then he got an OVI with DS in the car. CSB investigated & substantiated abuse, they warned me not to let ex see DS unsupervised. So I got the ex parte order covering us both with the intention to have supervised visitation outlined at the full hearing. Ex got another OVI & wasn't at the full hearing so it was left as is leaving it up to him to file for a modification to seek visitation.

Okay.

A year later he's never filed anything aside from an objection to child support (which was denied). He's complained to his family that I "won't let him see" DS but has not done a thing to seek visitation legally, he apparently wants me to simply ignore the order (not going to happen, he shouldn't be allowed to see DS until it's supervised & outlined legally). I've held off on filing the modification myself because he has a history of drug & alcohol abuse & was using when we split up & I obtained the order. Until recently I've known nothing concrete about if he was or not, just rumors that he wasn't do well.

Why would YOU file for a modification? He abused your child. It was substantiated. He has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse that has been proven.

Well now I've found out he's picked up a F5 Heroin Possession case & is trying to get into the felony drug court (per the court dockets). My understanding of the felony drug program in this county is that they run a tight ship & don't mess around - you get your stuff together or serve the time. Court weekly, drug testing 2x weekly, maybe rehab, AA, find a job, ect. If I'm going to modify the order this seems like the time to do it as he will already be in an intensive program & having access to ds being tied to his success in that program might be a good motivator.

So you want to use your son as a carrot to get him better? Sorry but NO. Do not do this. If dad wants to clean up his act for himself that is the best thing he can do. If dad then decides to petition the court for visitation, he can do so.

If I did this would it be reasonable to ask that eventually obtaining unsupervised visitation be contingent on successfully completing the drug courts requirements?

Why would you do that? He has not asked for visitation. So why would you want to volunteer this and use it as a carrot on a stick? I don't understand why you would look at getting rid of the five years.

And stay compliant with the drug courts requirement to continue supervised visitation?

He has no visitation. If he wants supervised visitation LET HIM FILE FOR IT.

Then bring up your issues.

Could it also be contingent on him completing a drug treatment program also, if that isn't going to be required by the drug court?

Supervised visitation may not have such requirements -- visitation centers will not allow anyone who is high or drunk to visit with the child.

I don't know what is standard as far requirements for supervised visitation in these situations so any of your input & knowledge in this area is much appreciated.

Why are you taking the initiative in this case?

Should I even be considering filing a modification? I can't help but think he made his own mess & needs to clean it up & take the initiative to see his son himself.

He does.

The mom in me sees my son missing his dad & seeking male attention which breaks my heart, but the rational part of me thinks this is ex's responsibility to take care of & I shouldn't still be fixing his messes.

Get your son into counseling. Try to also get him into a big brother program. They have them in Ohio. But dad needs to clean up his own mess.

And please no flames, I'm just trying to do what's best for ds in an incredibly messed up situation & looking for input from those who know the ropes better than I. It has never been my intention to keep ds from his dad, only to ensure his safety & well being - mental & physical. I've struggled with whether or not to file in the past but not knowing his dad's state I felt he'd be better not seeing his dad at all for the time being than taking the chance of him seeing dad strung out.

Here are the facts -- you have a restraining order against dad which can be changed if dad petitions for visitation. You are not hiding the child from dad. You are protecting son LEGALLY from someone who CPS has substantiated as being abusive to him. Why would you expose him to that again without dad presenting proof to the court that it would be safe for child to see dad?

Now ex is supposedly clean & living with his sister & trying to get his life together.

Good for ex. If he wants to get his life together, he can take responsibility for his actions, grow up, be mature and file for visitation for his child in a supervised setting. But getting an F5 for heroin possession doesn't show that he is clean or getting his life together.

Sorry, one more thing - is this a situation I shouldn't even touch without an attorney? With my sons safety on the line if we end up with a less than satisfactory order, I'm thinking I'll need representation if I decide to do this. I think I would be eligible for my local Community Legal Aid Service as I'm very low income & have no criminal record, I'm not positive if they do custody/visitation though.

No they don't do custody/visitation though they may contract the case out. Why would you file at all? Don't. Let dad file and then come back with questions.

 

[Ohiogal]

I am just going to add this -- You are strong enough for this> DO NOT let his family GUILT you into being responsible for helping him get better or taking responsibility for his bad choices. DO NOT let him do that. I know the court you are in front of and I know the magistrates. The first questions they will ask is WHY you believe it is important that he see his child when he has done NOTHING to show that he wants that. They will question you about your filing more than I am. I know this. I know your magistrate. She did exactly what I told you she would do last time you posted her.

HE-- your ex -- has issues. Do not take the blame for it or try to help him get better. HE -- your ex -- needs to do that. Help your son with counseling -- there are several places in your area that will help with counseling for HIM -- for your child. Call the local Children's Hospital for recommendations on counseling -- they have one located right there. I am telling you this because YOU are a lot stronger than you think. YOU do not need to take responsibility for your ex. If your ex wants to be a parent then let him step up. LET HIM jump through the hoops. PM me for specifics on places in your AREA. That will help YOU and your son. Okay?

 

[jrini]

Thank you, OG. I suspected as much & you are right. Everything you've said is true & I can't completely explain even to myself why I would consider changing the order. I suppose I allow myself to feel guilty for something that is out of my control in the first place & that's something I'll need to learn to deal with. Ex's family places pressure on me from time to time to get the order changed since he hasn't bothered to do so, that doesn't help matters although I rationally know his inaction isn't my problem. I'll heed your advice and wait for ex to pull it together & take action. If he never does, well in the long run ds is probably better off not having him involved if he can't manage to pull it together for his child.

I will look into the big brother program & talk to DS's pediatrician about a counselor, even if only to get an eval & discuss with a professional how to address his questions about where his dad is. He's almost 4 & it's difficult for me to know the right way to respond. Luckily despite the circumstances he's a well adjusted & happy child but it couldn't hurt to talk to a professional so I'm well prepared & informed.

ETA: I think you were posting at the same time I was. Again, you are completely on the money.

 

[Ohiogal]

Thank you, OG. I suspected as much & you are right. Everything you've said is true & I can't completely explain even to myself why I would consider changing the order. I suppose I allow myself to feel guilty for something that is out of my control in the first place & that's something I'll need to learn to deal with.

You are NOT to blame for his stupidity and for his bad choices. If he wants to be a dad he can be.

Ex's family places pressure on me from time to time to get the order changed since he hasn't bothered to do so, that doesn't help matters although I rationally know his inaction isn't my problem. I'll heed your advice and wait for ex to pull it together & take action. If he never does, well in the long run ds is probably better off not having him involved if he can't manage to pull it together for his child.

If he never pulls it together, then that is on him. And if he never pulls it together, well helping your son adapt to an absent father can be easier than having your son adapt to an in and out father. I know your situation. I get it. There is a big brother program in your area though I think your son is a bit young still for it. But there are mentoring programs that he can get involved with. If ex's family tries to pressure you, tell them their son -- your child's father -- can step up at any time and do what is required. Until then, they need to back off.

I will look into the big brother program & talk to DS's pediatrician about a counselor, even if only to get an eval & discuss with a professional how to address his questions about where his dad is. He's almost 4 & it's difficult for me to know the right way to respond. Luckily despite the circumstances he's a well adjusted & happy child but it couldn't hurt to talk to a professional so I'm well prepared & informed.

Good. I sent you a PM with some more specific information. Feel free to PM me anytime. Your son is very lucky that you are looking out for him. Keep making HIM your priority. Not your ex. Your ex needs to make his child a priority. When he decides to do that then you can work with him. And I know you have lawyers in your area who would be willing to help you along the way.