Need advice, suggestions, anything

[gfann]

What is the name of your state? NJ

I'm writing on behalf of my sister's situation. It's a long story, please bare with me, I'll try to shorten it as much as possible.

My sister's son is 15. She had him when she was 16. She's be 32 next month and so will her son's father. All these years everything was fine and the dad had custody on the weekends and alternate holidays. This went on until 6 years ago when my sister got married and moved 40 minutes away and had 2 more children. The dad stopped paying child support, didn't show up for his son on way too many occasions, argued with my sister all the time.

My sister lost her husband to cancer last year (1 year ago this month) and moved her family back here, to the town where I live and our parents. Her son's dad lives in the next town over. Since they moved back here the dad has been trying to get back together with my sister. She told him no, she has no feelings for him and besdies he's married.

Two months ago he attacked her in the parking lot of a convenience store up the street and held her down while giving her a hickey. She's come home to find him laying on her couch. He says he's there for his son.

Anyway, last week she got so fed up with all of antics that she called his wife. She was very nice and explained everything that has been going on. The wife was stunned but not surprised. A few minutes later the wife called back and asked my sister to come over to discuss things with her, the dad and their son. My sister agreed but asked me to go with her because she's scared of the dad, his temper is VERY well known. So, of course I went.

Long story short, again ... the dad exploded, cursing, yelling and throwing things. My sister and I got up to leave and she just said ... we're going to go back to the original custody agreement. Have him home by 6PM or I'm calling the police. And he said he'll have him home by then but he would just get on his bike and come back to the dad's house.

Sure enough, 6PM came, the dad pulled up at the house, the son walked in, went to his room, came back upstairs, alked out the front door and jumped on his bike. We asked where he was going and he said "to live with my dad".

My nephew has always been a good kid, very polite and respectful. He's always joking around, making funny faces and doing funny dances. Anything to make people laugh. And he's great with kids. He has a younger sister and a younger brother and several younger cousins who ADORE him! But the second his father shows up he's a completely different person. He's not nice, he has a terrible attitude and it's like nobody else exists but his father. It's like an on/off switch.

So the phone rang about 5 minutes later and it was the dad's wife telling my sister they just pulled up at her house. So we KNOW the dad told him to do it and waited around the corner for him. There's no possible way he could have made it back there in 5 minutes on a bike.

My sister got in her car and went over there to get him back but he refused to come. He told her she should just get back in her car and go. She asked why he wanted to live with his dad and he said because he's fun. He said he can't stand her or her family. We drive him crazy. The dad was screaming again saying he hopes she dies so him & the son can be alone with nobody to bother them.

My sister came home in tears, called the police and found out there wasn't much they could do. The next afternoon her son came home to HER after school and hung out, watched TV, like there was nothing wrong. She asked if they could talk about things and he said he's talk to her in court. He went down to his room and called his dad, he pulled up 5 minutes later and her son left. That night he called to say goodnight and that he loved her.

The next day her son was at the house when i stopped by with my mom. He didn't say hello or even look at us. But when he left he said goodbye and when her & I didn't answer he said it again. We answered but I don't think he heard us. He got all huffy and said "fine, be like that" and walked out the door.

My sister is heartbroken over this. She doesnt know what to do. She loves him more than anything and doesn't want him to feel like she's abandoning him. Should she let him come and go as he pleases? Or should she not allow him over whenever he wants because he made the choice to leave. It's like he's having his cake and eating it too.

And I don't know what to do either. My husband and I are so close to him. He's always been like a son to us. To our whle family. He's gotten everything he always wanted, his whole life, from us ... which is probably part of the problem. But we're just beside ourselves over this. I don't want to be mad at him but I AM. I'm furious.

And he knows our family has a special "thing" planned Sunday for Mother's Day. He called my sister this afternoon and asked if he could come to it. Of course she said yes. We wouldn't ever tell him no. But she should tell him no? How is he going to realize the repurcussions of his choice?

There's SO much more to the story, but that's the jist of it.

So, so, so confused and angry.

Thanks in advance.

[Silverplum]

Are there any court orders regarding CS or parenting time?

[jenlouise16]

I am by no means parent of the year but first off the child is ruling the roost and that is always a recipe for disaster. I am curious as to why your sister did not call the police when the ex attacked her in the parking lot. It sounds to me like she needs to take him back to court of contempt, he is clearly violating the set custody arrangement, does she have proof that when she lived 40 miles away that he was out of his son's life?

[gfann]

Originally Posted by Silverplum

Are there any court orders regarding CS or parenting time?

She went to the court on Monday and is now waiting for a date, etc. This all happened last week and weekend.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by gfann

She went to the court on Monday and is now waiting for a date, etc. This all happened last week and weekend.

So are you saying there are no court orders for CS and for parenting time? Ever?

[gfann]

The only proof she has is us, her family. And her son, who it now seems is on his dad's side.

As far as the parking lot incident ... I can't believe she didn't call the police either. She came to my house right after it happened, crying her eyes out. I told he to call, but she wouldn't. I honestly think it's because she's afraid of him and his temper.

When my sister went to get her son, after he left that day, the dad told his wife to stay out of it or he was going to pour oil on her and set her on fire. And that was in front of his son. The guy is sick.

[gfann]

Originally Posted by Silverplum

So are you saying there are no court orders for CS and for parenting time? Ever?

No. She's got court papers stating that the dad ony gets him on every other weekend from 4PM friday til 6PM sunday and every other holiday. But when he left the house the other day my sister called the police and they said the best thing to do is to ask him to come home and if he refuses, let him stay. Then go to court and file new paperwork. Which she did on Monday. And the court told her that hopefully in the time between everything the child will see what kind of person his dad is and want to come home on his own.

I have to run for a while but I look forward to reading more response later.
thanks folks!

[casa]

Originally Posted by gfann

What is the name of your state? NJ

I'm writing on behalf of my sister's situation. It's a long story, please bare with me, I'll try to shorten it as much as possible.

My sister's son is 15. She had him when she was 16. She's be 32 next month and so will her son's father. All these years everything was fine and the dad had custody on the weekends and alternate holidays. This went on until 6 years ago when my sister got married and moved 40 minutes away and had 2 more children. The dad stopped paying child support, didn't show up for his son on way too many occasions, argued with my sister all the time.

My sister lost her husband to cancer last year (1 year ago this month) and moved her family back here, to the town where I live and our parents. Her son's dad lives in the next town over. Since they moved back here the dad has been trying to get back together with my sister. She told him no, she has no feelings for him and besdies he's married.

Two months ago he attacked her in the parking lot of a convenience store up the street and held her down while giving her a hickey. She's come home to find him laying on her couch. He says he's there for his son.

Anyway, last week she got so fed up with all of antics that she called his wife. She was very nice and explained everything that has been going on. The wife was stunned but not surprised. A few minutes later the wife called back and asked my sister to come over to discuss things with her, the dad and their son. My sister agreed but asked me to go with her because she's scared of the dad, his temper is VERY well known. So, of course I went.

Long story short, again ... the dad exploded, cursing, yelling and throwing things. My sister and I got up to leave and she just said ... we're going to go back to the original custody agreement. Have him home by 6PM or I'm calling the police. And he said he'll have him home by then but he would just get on his bike and come back to the dad's house.

Sure enough, 6PM came, the dad pulled up at the house, the son walked in, went to his room, came back upstairs, alked out the front door and jumped on his bike. We asked where he was going and he said "to live with my dad".

My nephew has always been a good kid, very polite and respectful. He's always joking around, making funny faces and doing funny dances. Anything to make people laugh. And he's great with kids. He has a younger sister and a younger brother and several younger cousins who ADORE him! But the second his father shows up he's a completely different person. He's not nice, he has a terrible attitude and it's like nobody else exists but his father. It's like an on/off switch.

So the phone rang about 5 minutes later and it was the dad's wife telling my sister they just pulled up at her house. So we KNOW the dad told him to do it and waited around the corner for him. There's no possible way he could have made it back there in 5 minutes on a bike.

My sister got in her car and went over there to get him back but he refused to come. He told her she should just get back in her car and go. She asked why he wanted to live with his dad and he said because he's fun. He said he can't stand her or her family. We drive him crazy. The dad was screaming again saying he hopes she dies so him & the son can be alone with nobody to bother them.

My sister came home in tears, called the police and found out there wasn't much they could do. The next afternoon her son came home to HER after school and hung out, watched TV, like there was nothing wrong. She asked if they could talk about things and he said he's talk to her in court. He went down to his room and called his dad, he pulled up 5 minutes later and her son left. That night he called to say goodnight and that he loved her.

The next day her son was at the house when i stopped by with my mom. He didn't say hello or even look at us. But when he left he said goodbye and when her & I didn't answer he said it again. We answered but I don't think he heard us. He got all huffy and said "fine, be like that" and walked out the door.

My sister is heartbroken over this. She doesnt know what to do. She loves him more than anything and doesn't want him to feel like she's abandoning him. Should she let him come and go as he pleases? Or should she not allow him over whenever he wants because he made the choice to leave. It's like he's having his cake and eating it too.

And I don't know what to do either. My husband and I are so close to him. He's always been like a son to us. To our whle family. He's gotten everything he always wanted, his whole life, from us ... which is probably part of the problem. But we're just beside ourselves over this. I don't want to be mad at him but I AM. I'm furious.

And he knows our family has a special "thing" planned Sunday for Mother's Day. He called my sister this afternoon and asked if he could come to it. Of course she said yes. We wouldn't ever tell him no. But she should tell him no? How is he going to realize the repurcussions of his choice?

There's SO much more to the story, but that's the jist of it.

So, so, so confused and angry.

Thanks in advance.

Dad is in contempt of the court order. Mom must file contempt against him for that...However, she must provide evidence.

Mom needs to contact police EVERY SINGLE time Dad deviates from the Court Ordered schedule (She should have a copy of her court order with her) The police will 'advise' Dad to return the child...but will not physically force him to. Mom files a police report EACH TIME this happens.

Then, Mom goes to court and has PROOF of Dad's contempt. The court will likely admonish Dad initially...and penalties include anything ranging from fines, jail time to loss of his visitation entirely.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by gfann

No. She's got court papers stating that the dad ony gets him on every other weekend from 4PM friday til 6PM sunday and every other holiday. But when he left the house the other day my sister called the police and they said the best thing to do is to ask him to come home and if he refuses, let him stay. Then go to court and file new paperwork. Which she did on Monday. And the court told her that hopefully in the time between everything the child will see what kind of person his dad is and want to come home on his own.

I have to run for a while but I look forward to reading more response later.
thanks folks!

Okay. Everyone is going to advise you as if there was a court order for parenting time, and NO court order for CS. Because you've been asked twice and that's all I've gotten out of you.

If there's no court order for CS, Dad doesn't owe a cent to Mom and never did. Legally.

[gfann]

Originally Posted by Silverplum

Okay. Everyone is going to advise you as if there was a court order for parenting time, and NO court order for CS. Because you've been asked twice and that's all I've gotten out of you.

If there's no court order for CS, Dad doesn't owe a cent to Mom and never did. Legally.

I'm sorry, I'm new to this and didn't know what CS was. There is a court order for child support and he's been very good with that over all these years. It's $150 a week. But since March she's only received $50. The court knows, she's called several times in the last few weeks.

[casa]

Originally Posted by gfann

I'm sorry, I'm new to this and didn't know what CS was. There is a court order for child support and he's been very good with that over all these years. It's $150 a week. But since March she's only received $50. The court knows, she's called several times in the last few weeks.

She needs to contact Child Support Enforcement.

[gfann]

Originally Posted by casa

Dad is in contempt of the court order. Mom must file contempt against him for that...However, she must provide evidence.

Mom needs to contact police EVERY SINGLE time Dad deviates from the Court Ordered schedule (She should have a copy of her court order with her) The police will 'advise' Dad to return the child...but will not physically force him to. Mom files a police report EACH TIME this happens.

Then, Mom goes to court and has PROOF of Dad's contempt. The court will likely admonish Dad initially...and penalties include anything ranging from fines, jail time to loss of his visitation entirely.

She has been talking with the police, in our town and the next town over (where the dad lives). they said they don't like to get involved with domestic issues and they could only "attempt" to go get him if it's after 10PM and he hasn't been brought home to her. But then he can always just leave again, like he did the other day.

She does have copies of all the old court papers. So are you saying that every day she should go the police because he's not home? Just so it's on record, correct?

She did go out last night and get a mini tape recorder, for proof of his temper and foul language. The court, on Monday, instructed ger to do that.

She also tried to get a restraining order on Monday, but they didn't consider him saying
'i hope you die' to be a threat.

[casa]

Originally Posted by gfann

She has been talking with the police, in our town and the next town over (where the dad lives). they said they don't like to get involved with domestic issues and they could only "attempt" to go get him if it's after 10PM and he hasn't been brought home to her. But then he can always just leave again, like he did the other day.

She does have copies of all the old court papers. So are you saying that every day she should go the police because he's not home? Just so it's on record, correct?

She did go out last night and get a mini tape recorder, for proof of his temper and foul language. The court, on Monday, instructed ger to do that.

She also tried to get a restraining order on Monday, but they didn't consider him saying
'i hope you die' to be a threat.

OK slow down...she is mixing up facts.

Police will not PHYSICALLY make the child leave. BUT they will allow her to file a report. That is evidence. It is really important when proving contempt. YES, every time he breaks the court order she should contact police. I suggest calling from the residence, then when police respond the report will indicate no one was there, etc.

Who at court told her to record him? I'd check into that...it's highly illegal in many states. You must decipher if your state is a 1 party or an all-party consent state. Meaning if it's an "all-party" state- everyone must consent to being recorded or it's illegal.

"hope" of her death is not the same as a THREAT of death.

[fairisfair]

Originally Posted by casa

OK slow down...she is mixing up facts.

Police will not PHYSICALLY make the child leave. BUT they will allow her to file a report. That is evidence. It is really important when proving contempt. YES, every time he breaks the court order she should contact police. I suggest calling from the residence, then when police respond the report will indicate no one was there, etc.

Who at court told her to record him? I'd check into that...it's highly illegal in many states. You must decipher if your state is a 1 party or an all-party consent state. Meaning if it's an "all-party" state- everyone must consent to being recorded or it's illegal.

"hope" of her death is not the same as a THREAT of death.

No, but his attack on her in the parking lot is, she needs to file a police report regarding that incident. Then go for the RO again.

[casa]

Originally Posted by fairisfair

No, but his attack on her in the parking lot is, she needs to file a police report regarding that incident. Then go for the RO again.

It WOULD have been...had she contacted police at the time. How will she prove what he did or did not do over 2 weeks ago???

Courts don't take RO requests seriously when the person requesting it never notified police and weeks have gone by without her doing anything.

I suggest OP focus on the custody/visitation issue...pick her battles.