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Needing Advice on Modification of Custody Order

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aj4

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

This is my first post here, so sorry in advance for the long story.
I have a son that is going to be 7 this month. He was diagnosed with Autism when he was 2, although he isn't a "severe" case. His father (we'll call him Steven for anonymity) and I have joint physical and legal custody with Steven's house being our son's primary residence. Currently, Steven and our son live in Los Angeles county and I like in Kern county. The reason our son is living with him is because he goes to a special school specifically for autistic children in the city where he resides. I live about an hour away, so we figured the best bet would be for me to have our son over the summers and Steven will keep him during the school year, so long as our son is attending the school. Steven got a new girlfriend less than a year ago who currently lives with him and she recently had their baby. She also has a 2 year old daughter.

Our current custody agreement has worked out well as far as meeting somewhere at a certain time so I can see my son on the weekends. I've picked up my son from school some Fridays, as well. His teacher has told me that she is concerned about his behavior, as he has gotten extremely aggressive and violent with other children and teachers in the last few weeks. We both thought it may be because there is a new baby in the home and he's not receiving as much attention as he was before.

The custody agreement isn't working out as far as doctors appointments, dentist appointments, school functions or meetings, etc. By law, Steven is supposed to tell me about these things. I've gotten my son's teacher's email so I can keep up with his happenings at school, but I do not know my son's primary physician or anything about when or where his appointments are. A few months ago, he got 2 fillings in his teeth that I wasn't aware of until I saw them. I contacted Steven to ask about when it happened and he had told me a couple days ago. He has yet to tell me where his new doctor is located and when future appointments are. I know this is a violation of the custody order, but I don't know how to go about taking it to court.

A week ago, Steven's girlfriend sent me texts saying that Steven is getting more and more controlling, will not let her see or talk to her family and friends, leaves her without a vehicle (they live about 15 miles from the nearest grocery store, gas stations, etc.), and takes off after work most days a week to visit with friends and wont come home until late at night. She says he hasn't been physically violent with her. She is extremely stressed out living in a tiny fifth wheel with a 2 year old, newborn, and my autistic son. I've asked her if she can talk to Steven about maybe letting my son live with me for a while until they can become more stable, both financially and emotionally, since she doesn't want him knowing that she and I are talking. I've told her to leave him numerous times if she really feels that he's neglecting her in some way.

Anyway, her dad got my number some how and sent me texts a couple of days later and said that he is extremely worried about his daughter (Steven's girlfriend) and the kids. He is under the impression that Steven is using methamphetamine. He's threatened to call CPS, but I told him that it's no use without proof.


My main question here is: How can I go about handling this in the best way? I don't want to take my son away from his father and I do not want to argue or get dragged into any drama, but I do want what's best for my son. I currently have an open schedule, so taking my son to school every day would not be a problem if he lived with me.
Is there any way I could get Steven drug tested?
How should I go about modifying the custody order because I feel that my son is living in a stressful environment? Is that even reason enough to change an order?
Like I said, I want what's best for my son. I'm currently in a 3-year healthy relationship, financially and mentally stable, and am able to give my son the attention he deserves from a parent.
Will that be taken into account at court? Steven is apparently never home and hardly spends time with our son, but I can't talk to him about it without it turning into an argument.


Please Help!
 
Last edited:


Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

This is my first post here, so sorry in advance for the long story.
I have a son that is going to be 7 this month. He was diagnosed with Autism when he was 2, although he isn't a "severe" case. His father (we'll call him Steven for anonymity) and I have joint physical and legal custody with Steven's house being our son's primary residence. Currently, Steven and our son live in Los Angeles county and I like in Kern county. The reason our son is living with him is because he goes to a special school specifically for autistic children in the city where he resides. I live about an hour away, so we figured the best bet would be for me to have our son over the summers and Steven will keep him during the school year, so long as our son is attending the school. Steven got a new girlfriend less than a year ago who currently lives with him and she recently had their baby. She also has a 2 year old daughter.

Our current custody agreement has worked out well as far as meeting somewhere at a certain time so I can see my son on the weekends. I've picked up my son from school some Fridays, as well. His teacher has told me that she is concerned about his behavior, as he has gotten extremely aggressive and violent with other children and teachers in the last few weeks. We both thought it may be because there is a new baby in the home and he's not receiving as much attention as he was before.

The custody agreement isn't working out as far as doctors appointments, dentist appointments, school functions or meetings, etc. By law, Steven is supposed to tell me about these things. I've gotten my son's teacher's email so I can keep up with his happenings at school, but I do not know my son's primary physician or anything about when or where his appointments are. A few months ago, he got 2 fillings in his teeth that I wasn't aware of until I saw them. I contacted Steven to ask about when it happened and he had told me a couple days ago. He has yet to tell me where his new doctor is located and when future appointments are. I know this is a violation of the custody order, but I don't know how to go about taking it to court.

A week later, Steven's girlfriend sent me texts saying that Steven is getting more and more controlling, will not let her see or talk to her family and friends, leaves her without a vehicle (they live about 15 miles from the nearest grocery store, gas stations, etc.), and takes off after work most days a week to visit with friends and wont come home until late at night. She says he hasn't been physically violent with her. She is extremely stressed out living in a tiny fifth wheel with a 2 year old, newborn, and my autistic son. I've asked her if she can talk to Steven about maybe letting my son live with me for a while until they can become more stable, both financially and emotionally, since she doesn't want him knowing that she and I are talking. I've told her to leave him numerous times if she really feels that he's neglecting her in some way.

Anyway, her dad got my number some how and sent me texts a couple of days later and said that he is extremely worried about his daughter (Steven's girlfriend) and the kids. He is under the impression that Steven is using methamphetamine. He's threatened to call CPS, but I told him that it's no use without proof.


My main question here is: How can I go about handling this in the best way? I don't want to take my son away from his father and I do not want to argue or get dragged into any drama, but I do want what's best for my son. I currently have an open schedule, so taking my son to school every day would not be a problem if he lived with me.
Is there any way I could get Steven drug tested?
How should I go about modifying the custody order because I feel that my son is living in a stressful environment? Is that even reason enough to change an order?
Like I said, I want what's best for my son. I'm currently in a 3-year healthy relationship, financially and mentally stable, and am able to give my son the attention he deserves from a parent.
Will that be taken into account at court? Steven is apparently never home and hardly spends time with our son, but I can't talk to him about it without it turning into an argument.


Please Help!
You have no evidence.
Ask Steven for the name of the doctors that your son is seeing. You can't get Steven drug tested unless you want to launch a full scale custody battle. And you still might not win. You are relying on a third party to tell you things and the minute she is "in love" with him again, she will forget what she told you.

How many times have you gone to your son's school?
HOw many times have you requested the information regarding doctors?
How many times have you contacted the doctors?
How many times have you filed a motion to show cause against dad regarding doctors?
 

aj4

Junior Member
I have gone to my son's school on numerous occasions to pick him up for weekend visits and for 1 parent-teacher conference that I found out about through my son's "buddy book" in his backpack one day. It's a book that has reminders and notes from the teacher about my son's behavior and achievements some days. I keep in contact with my son's teacher on a weekly basis via email. All of what Steven's girlfriend has said to me is all in texts that I save to my computer in case I need them for future reference. I don't even save her name in my contacts so the phone number shows up on the screenshots. Same with her dad's number. I have requested the doctor's name and appointments numerous times (proof in text messages) and Steven continues to tell me that he is "switching" our son's primary physician and will tell me whenever that happens...which is hasn't, apparently. I can't contact a doctor because I don't know who/where the doctor is.

As far as order to show cause, I haven't filed anything. That's why I'm posting here...I don't know how to go about this because I know it will be a long, drawn out battle. I know that these things are touchy subjects and I don't know if a judge will think they're "important" enough to even change anything. I don't want to waste a judge's time, my time, or Steven's time. I do, however, want to get on the same page with Steven. We currently only communicate through texts because we can't talk without arguing. I've been wondering if I should just take Steven to court simply to get our communication to a good point. Isn't there something called "parallel parenting" custody orders? And how does that work?
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
I would suggest that you use Our Family Wizard for communications - ask for it in the court order if you have to. Text messages and emails can be faked fairly easily. With OFW, the records are generally acceptable to the court as records of communications between the parties.
 

aj4

Junior Member
Also, my son missed 21 days of school last year and only 2 of them were excused absences. So far, this year, my son has missed 6 days and there is still 5 months left of school. California has an attendance law for students. Students can only miss up to 10% of the school year (17 days for my son) or action will be taken. Well, no action was taken on the state's part and I was unaware of my son missing so many days of school because his father would lie to me and say he was in school. I got the report during the summer of last year and found out he had missed 21 days!!

If he continues to miss school this year with unexcused absences, can I use that in court, as well?
 

aj4

Junior Member
I would suggest that you use Our Family Wizard for communications - ask for it in the court order if you have to. Text messages and emails can be faked fairly easily. With OFW, the records are generally acceptable to the court as records of communications between the parties.


Thank you so much! I'll look into that!
 

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