new here, need some advice

[jb07]

What is the name of your state? MA

History: Married four years, divorced since June 05 one daughter. Ex has physical, we have joint legal, with visitation to be "mutually agreed upon." Never has been an issue, I see my daughter all the time (2-3 overnights a week, including weekdays/weekends, whole weeks in the summer etc) we have always just worked it out.

Recently my ex has a new boyfriend (moved him in after 3 months of dating, but that is another talk show). He seems like a nice guy, I have no beef with him, my daughter says he is nice to her, thats really all I care. Well, the new guy has 2 kids and has a regular set schedule with his kids, every other weekends and weds nights. My ex now wants me to have this same schedule so that their happy little family can all be on the same page.

My problem with that is that I work overnights and sometimes 24 hour shifts on weekends. My shedule simply will not allow for this everyother weekend set plan. When we split up we agreed that for me to see my daughter it would have to be worked out each month in advance what days I have her, and it has always worked till the new boyfriend came on the scene. Also, I see my daugher WAY MORE often than this schedule would allow. My ex says that since our order says "mutually agreed upon", it is essentially what SHE agrees upon. I said no way!!!! I don't agree. I just want my time with my daughter!!!!!

It has now turned into huge ordeal, and she is even threatening that if I "f***" with her, she will take me back for more CS (I pay under guidleines, but I have a thread in CS explaining that). I am thinking I need a lawyer again, but I HATE to go through that again, and was looking for a little advice before I make that jump.

Thank you.

[haiku]

it looks like you ARE at the point where "reasonable visitation" is not going to work. And if she denies you, it will be difficult to charge her with any sort of contempt.

At this point you may want to consult with a lawyer about working out a set in stone visitation plan.

[CJane]

Originally Posted by jb07

Well, the new guy has 2 kids and has a regular set schedule with his kids, every other weekends and weds nights. My ex now wants me to have this same schedule so that their happy little family can all be on the same page.

Umm... but if YOU have e/o weekend and Wednesday nights, then YOU will have you're daughter on the SAME nights he has his kids, yes? So they'll never spend time together? Offer to have your daughter on Tues and Thurs nights and the weekends he doesn't have his kids. That way they'll have 2 kid-free weekends a month.

Have it written in to the new order that Mondays will be a 'floating' day that if for some reason you can't utilize the T or TH, with adequate notice you can use Mon instead.

[moburkes]

Originally Posted by CJane

Umm... but if YOU have e/o weekend and Wednesday nights, then YOU will have you're daughter on the SAME nights he has his kids, yes? So they'll never spend time together? Offer to have your daughter on Tues and Thurs nights and the weekends he doesn't have his kids. That way they'll have 2 kid-free weekends a month.

Have it written in to the new order that Mondays will be a 'floating' day that if for some reason you can't utilize the T or TH, with adequate notice you can use Mon instead.

But, CJane, that will severaly limit his time with his daughter. Currently he has her for several overnights during the week, which you are suggesting that he replace with 1 night (and I'm not sure that you even mean overnight) and every other weekend.

Based on his statements, they practically have 50/50 split.

OP, you can go to court without an attorney, but you must be willing to do a lot of legwork yourself, and study up on your options.

[CJane]

Originally Posted by moburkes

But, CJane, that will severaly limit his time with his daughter. Currently he has her for several overnights during the week, which you are suggesting that he replace with 1 night (and I'm not sure that you even mean overnight) and every other weekend.

Based on his statements, they practically have 50/50 split.

No, according to him, he has 2-3 nights per week including weekends. What I suggested was 2 nights per week (yes, I meant overnights) PLUS weekends.

[moburkes]

Okay. Then, I guess we need clarification. I took it to mean 2-3 nights AND weekends AND weeks (several days in a row) during the summer, and you took it to mean 2-3 nights during the week or weekends.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by jb07

What is the name of your state? MA

History: Married four years, divorced since June 05 one daughter. Ex has physical, we have joint legal, with visitation to be "mutually agreed upon." Never has been an issue, I see my daughter all the time (2-3 overnights a week, including weekdays/weekends, whole weeks in the summer etc) we have always just worked it out.

Recently my ex has a new boyfriend (moved him in after 3 months of dating, but that is another talk show). He seems like a nice guy, I have no beef with him, my daughter says he is nice to her, thats really all I care. Well, the new guy has 2 kids and has a regular set schedule with his kids, every other weekends and weds nights. My ex now wants me to have this same schedule so that their happy little family can all be on the same page.

My problem with that is that I work overnights and sometimes 24 hour shifts on weekends. My shedule simply will not allow for this everyother weekend set plan. When we split up we agreed that for me to see my daughter it would have to be worked out each month in advance what days I have her, and it has always worked till the new boyfriend came on the scene. Also, I see my daugher WAY MORE often than this schedule would allow. My ex says that since our order says "mutually agreed upon", it is essentially what SHE agrees upon. I said no way!!!! I don't agree. I just want my time with my daughter!!!!!

It has now turned into huge ordeal, and she is even threatening that if I "f***" with her, she will take me back for more CS (I pay under guidleines, but I have a thread in CS explaining that). I am thinking I need a lawyer again, but I HATE to go through that again, and was looking for a little advice before I make that jump.

Thank you.

She is correct in that "mutually agreed upon" means just that. She has more "power" in this instance in that she has physical custody of the child, therefore if she doesn't agree, your only recourse is court. We pretty much always recommend that people go back to court for a set schedule, when their orders say "mutually agreed upon".

Its also quite normal in a blended family for people to want the children to be on the same schedule. Obviously that is not reasonable in your situation, but its really very normal.

If you are not paying guideline child support, its also likely that you will end up with a child support increase if you end up back in court, so you are going to have to accept that.

[jb07]

Thanks for the input, I have a call into an attorney it looks like I'll need to go to court. It just stinks, because like I said my schedule isn't your typical schedule and it isn't set, so I don't know how I will do a set visitation schedule. This just doesn't seem right.


Just to clarify, she wants all the kids at their house on the same weekend, so they would get every other weekend without kids. When I said she wants me on the same schedule, I meant she wants every other weekend and me taking my daughter one night a week, not necessarily the Wednesday. Sorry to confuse.

[jb07]

Do judges look at emails sent between parents? My ex sent me a scathing email today, using all sorts of colorful language telling me if I don't accept the new visitaion schedule she will essentially take me for all I am worth, make my life hell, fight me tooth and nail.

Also, would it help that I have always emailed her when I will take my daughter, so I have proof of how much time I have been spending with her?

I have an appointment next week to meet with an attorney, but it seems so far away and all I want is time with my daughter. My ex won't even answer the phone when I call now.

Also, I don't care about paying more support, I didn't even ask for under guidlines, that is how it was decided. I pay insurance, and she claims her each year for taxes and she got more of the marial possesions (a lot more) and kept some investments we had (she had no retirement I have a pension) so the JUDGE said that under guidlines was fair. I don't care though, I'll pay the full guidlines, I just want my daughter.

[CJane]

Originally Posted by jb07

Do judges look at emails sent between parents? My ex sent me a scathing email today, using all sorts of colorful language telling me if I don't accept the new visitaion schedule she will essentially take me for all I am worth, make my life hell, fight me tooth and nail.

Sometimes. I know that' not a great answer, but it's the only one... print them out and take them with you to the appointment w/the attorney.

Also, would it help that I have always emailed her when I will take my daughter, so I have proof of how much time I have been spending with her?

Yes. Though what I've found helps more is graphics - think Ross Perot - transfer all of those dates to a color coded calendar you can present and keep the emails as back-up. i used a color-coded calendar and a pie chart in court and it was VERY effective against ex's claims that we have 50/50 custody (we don't).

I have an appointment next week to meet with an attorney, but it seems so far away and all I want is time with my daughter. My ex won't even answer the phone when I call now.

Deep breaths. I know it's hard, but right now all you can do is keep attempting contact while being reasonable. Call 1X/day and leave a VM. Email 1X/day w/a read receipt notification if possible. Call from a cell phone so the calls are noted on your bill.

Also, I don't care about paying more support, I didn't even ask for under guidlines, that is how it was decided. I pay insurance, and she claims her each year for taxes and she got more of the marial possesions (a lot more) and kept some investments we had (she had no retirement I have a pension) so the JUDGE said that under guidlines was fair. I don't care though, I'll pay the full guidlines, I just want my daughter.

It's possible she'll be unsuccessful in her bid for more support since the judge lowered it. We can't know though. Your attorney hopefully knows the judge and how he/she tends to rule.

[nextwife]

Can you go back and document the schedule you have been consistantly sharing? Status QUO IS ALSO A FACTOR THAT YOU CAN USE. File to set your established routine into a court order. BOYFRIENDS kids have nothing to do with this. You and your daughter have an established routine. File to keep it.

[jb07]

I saved every email to and from her, I guess I always knew deep down it would be an issue. She tends to "forget" what she previously agreed to verbally, so I would email her so I would have that as a backup. So, yes, I can prove the nights I take my daughter because I have the emails I sent her stating what days I would take her, and she typically emailed me back to say okay, or to specify a time or change a day, so it proves she read it. This will prove my routine, right?

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by jb07

I saved every email to and from her, I guess I always knew deep down it would be an issue. She tends to "forget" what she previously agreed to verbally, so I would email her so I would have that as a backup. So, yes, I can prove the nights I take my daughter because I have the emails I sent her stating what days I would take her, and she typically emailed me back to say okay, or to specify a time or change a day, so it proves she read it. This will prove my routine, right?

Well, I think "routine" is the wrong word to use since you admit that it hasn't been a regular "schedule". However,yes, it will demonstrate how much time you have been spending with your child.

However, make sure that it doesn't just include summer time, because summer is obviously going to be different than during the school year.

Originally Posted by jb07

Do judges look at emails sent between parents? My ex sent me a scathing email today, using all sorts of colorful language telling me if I don't accept the new visitaion schedule she will essentially take me for all I am worth, make my life hell, fight me tooth and nail.

Yes, you can use emails. And you can use it against her when she is on the stand and during discovery, as far as requests for admissions. Plus you might be able to argue intimidation (depending on statutes and language) and retaliation.

Also, would it help that I have always emailed her when I will take my daughter, so I have proof of how much time I have been spending with her?

Yes. Also note is as others have told you -- posterboard...graphics...color-coding.

I have an appointment next week to meet with an attorney, but it seems so far away and all I want is time with my daughter. My ex won't even answer the phone when I call now.

Also, I don't care about paying more support, I didn't even ask for under guidlines, that is how it was decided. I pay insurance, and she claims her each year for taxes and she got more of the marial possesions (a lot more) and kept some investments we had (she had no retirement I have a pension) so the JUDGE said that under guidlines was fair. I don't care though, I'll pay the full guidlines, I just want my daughter.

I would also request a modification that the deduction is split.

[haiku]

great advice so far, and I also want to point out to ask for the deduction be taken by you every other year. (does mom have an income?)