new job, late pick-ups & home alone

[shana162]

What is the name of your state? Washington State

I have a question about modifications. We've had a great 5 year run with the current parenting plan without many issues and certainly no issues that weren't resolved between us.

The non-custodial parent has the children for 5 days and we have them for 9 days. Every 14 days it starts over. The NCP has a new job and frequently works late on 3 of her days. She's arranged to have the weekends she has the kids off so she works late on the 3 school nights she has them every other week. She works an hour from our home and insists on picking up the children well after bedtime and driving them 45 minutes to her house, just so she can have them overnight. This means they have to either stay up late or be woken up to leave. Then they have to leave her home very early as they have a 45 minute drive back to our area for school. I can see why she wants to exercise every second of time with the kids and we bend over backwards to make sure she has the kids whenever it's possible for her but this seems to be just for her benefit and not what is right for the kids. It just doesn't make any sense to me to pick up the kids at 10:30, put them in bed the second she gets home at 11:15 and then have them up at 6:30 to leave for school. They are 12 and 7 by the way.

Also, instead of letting them come to our house on days when she works, she lets them stay home alone. Could we get in trouble for picking them up against her wishes and returning them home after she got home from work. The kids love being home alone and don't want us to pick them up. I just don't feel like the 12 year old severe ADHD child is ready to stay home alone with his 7 year old sister. I know whoever has court ordered time with the child has every right to do whatever they choose during that time. Where sort of line has to be crossed to allow us to seek a sucessful change in the parenting plan? Also, I know that we can't withhold her parenting time for any reason and we aren't looking to do any of this outside of the courts.

Thanks

 

[panzertanker]

What is the name of your state? Washington State

I have a question about modifications. We've had a great 5 year run with the current parenting plan without many issues and certainly no issues that weren't resolved between us.

The non-custodial parent has the children for 5 days and we have them for 9 days. Every 14 days it starts over. The NCP has a new job and frequently works late on 3 of her days. She's arranged to have the weekends she has the kids off so she works late on the 3 school nights she has them every other week. She works an hour from our home and insists on picking up the children well after bedtime and driving them 45 minutes to her house, just so she can have them overnight. This means they have to either stay up late or be woken up to leave. Then they have to leave her home very early as they have a 45 minute drive back to our area for school. I can see why she wants to exercise every second of time with the kids and we bend over backwards to make sure she has the kids whenever it's possible for her but this seems to be just for her benefit and not what is right for the kids. It just doesn't make any sense to me to pick up the kids at 10:30, put them in bed the second she gets home at 11:15 and then have them up at 6:30 to leave for school. They are 12 and 7 by the way.

Also, instead of letting them come to our house on days when she works, she lets them stay home alone. Could we get in trouble for picking them up against her wishes and returning them home after she got home from work. The kids love being home alone and don't want us to pick them up. I just don't feel like the 12 year old severe ADHD child is ready to stay home alone with his 7 year old sister. I know whoever has court ordered time with the child has every right to do whatever they choose during that time. Where sort of line has to be crossed to allow us to seek a sucessful change in the parenting plan? Also, I know that we can't withhold her parenting time for any reason and we aren't looking to do any of this outside of the courts.

Thanks

Best advice you are going to get?

Butt out, they are not your children and the CP must take care of the situation.
You will be hard pressed to overturn this if the grades are the same, the kids are healthy/happy, etc.

Yes, you would get in trouble for getting the kids on HER time without her permission.

 

[shana162]

thanks

I should have been more clear. The CP is right here and more upset than I am about this situation. He's the one who found this forum in the first place. I'm not a disgruntled step-parent out to get the ex. I'm certainly on her side as often as his whenever issues arise. In my defense, the kids may not be mine by blood but I've been the one to take them to every doc appt, dentist appt, counceling appt, teacher conf etc... for the last 5 1/2 years. The CP and I coach soccer and softball for them and have for a few years now. I've been den Mom for cub scouts and actively involved in the PTA. Since I'm a stay at home Mom, I get to be the main care-taker for them, I think I've earned the right to be involved enough to a post a question on a forum board but I'm not arrogant enough to believe this is anyone but the CP's call.

Thanks for your advice though. It's good to know we shouldn't insist on picking up the kids from her house. Even though I hate the thought of them alone 45 minutes away.

 

[panzertanker]

I should have been more clear. The CP is right here and more upset than I am about this situation. He's the one who found this forum in the first place. I'm not a disgruntled step-parent out to get the ex. I'm certainly on her side as often as his whenever issues arise. In my defense, the kids may not be mine by blood but I've been the one to take them to every doc appt, dentist appt, counceling appt, teacher conf etc... for the last 5 1/2 years. The CP and I coach soccer and softball for them and have for a few years now. I've been den Mom for cub scouts and actively involved in the PTA. Since I'm a stay at home Mom, I get to be the main care-taker for them, I think I've earned the right to be involved enough to a post a question on a forum board but I'm not arrogant enough to believe this is anyone but the CP's call.

Thanks for your advice though. It's good to know we shouldn't insist on picking up the kids from her house. Even though I hate the thought of them alone 45 minutes away.

I understand your frustration, I was just making sure you understood your "rights".
It wouyld appear, though not the most ideal situation, that CP would have a 'tough row to hoe' since NCP is involved, and seems to be making every effort to spend all of her time with her kids. IIf you are concerned about the situation, why don't you, CP, and NCP sit down and work out a modification that is better for the kids.
Then file a modification with the court to have them accept it.

Good luck.

 

[stealth2]

Does Dad live between her home & work?

 

[VeronicaGia]

What is the court ordered time for pick up and drop off of the kids?

 

[bononos]

So, the NCP should not do their best to work and financially be able to support their children?
You'd be bitchin' if that were the case, huh?

 

[titansfan]

let dad work it out

doesnt matter how long you have been taking care of the kids-you are not their mother, and never will be. you arent a party to this. let dad work it out with his ex.

 

[stealth2]

doesnt matter how long you have been taking care of the kids-you are not their mother, and never will be. you arent a party to this. let dad work it out with his ex.

Oh for Christ's sake, Kelly - she's just asking the question.

 

[shana162]

No, she works much closer to her home. She has to travel 35 miles Northwest to our house and then back 40 miles east to her house. She's probably 20 miles from her work.

As far as Panzer goes, she is an involved parent. As a step parent, I couldn't ask for a better situation. She's always there, completely reliable and she's honestly doing the very best she can. We are pretty close friends and have lengthy conversations every few days. It just makes it so much more annoying when she is so inflexible about these two issues.

One of the most concerning things about her letting the kids stay home alone for 9 hours is that she keeps a gun in the house. It was given to the 12 year old as a gift by his grandfather. It does have a lock but he knows where the key is. She is sure he won't touch the gun, but he's been on ADHD medicine for over 5 years. He has serious impulse issues and was suspended a few times last year for things that happened in school. He's just not ready to be by himself with his younger sister. I just feel sick all day when I know they are there by themselves. Reading these posts on the forum, I know our issues are insignificant little specks of problems, but they seem big to us.

 

[stealth2]

The reason I asked is perhaps it would make sense for Dad - to allow the kids to get to bed earlier - to bring the kids to her on her evennig?

 

[shana162]

That is probably the best solution although selfishly it would mean for 3 nights he would need to drive an hour and a half round trip. Regardless, it would still put the kids at her house just in time for bed. It would be much better than 11:00 though. Especially for the younger one. The 12 year old requires much less sleep. There is no good answer because she is doing the best she can and she should have every second possible with them. No one can fault her for wanting to spend time with her children.

And I really don't want to get in a flame war. I know they aren't my kids but it doesn't mean I don't love and worry about them.

Also, the parenting plan says she has them from 4:30 every other Wednesday until 4:30 the following Monday.

 

[stealth2]

Well, while a bit of a pain, that is only 3 nights out of 14. Really, though - only 2. Wed & Thurs - Fri (that is to say - Sat morning) of her weeks they don't need to get up for school so getting to bed on time isn't that big a deal. Since the attitude does seem positive towards her for wanting to spend time with the kids, AND the reason for her overtime is so that she can devote the w/e to them, that might be a place Dad would be willing to be flexible. Or even meeting part way.

 

[acmb05]

The way it sounds

you all seem to get a long very well. If I may suggest why not talk to the other parent and see if you or dad(preferrably dad) go and stay with the kids at her house while she is at work. This would save the kids from the drive and they could be in bed on time. Of course this will require you driving over there but if its the best interest of the kids your worried about this should not be an issue.

 

[stealth2]

And we need to resurrect a 5mo thread because**************..?