No custody ordersin place...seperated 5 years..can i take the kids?

[tomloughrey]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
My wife and I have been separated for 5 years. She moved 4 years ago about an hour drive away into her boyfriends home with my 4 kids. My eldest is 18 and in college, I have a 15 year old son, 13 year old daughter is on the autism spectrum.mild but its there, and a 10 year old daughter. The mother works 5 to 6 overnight shifts a week. My kids are in the home with the bf all those nights. I bothers me a lot. My 13 years old told her counselor shes not comfortable with the living arangements and wants to live with me. So we set up a family counseling meeting, my daughter told her mother and the mother just cried and said she doesn't want this to happen. my youngest daughter calls me at night crying because she misses me. I do have them every other weekend. My question is if I rent a place in the same town can I take the kids and move them into my place? we have no court ordered agreements. we have not even been to court to start the divorce yet.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
My wife and I have been separated for 5 years. She moved 4 years ago about an hour drive away into her boyfriends home with my 4 kids. My eldest is 18 and in college, I have a 15 year old son, 13 year old daughter is on the autism spectrum.mild but its there, and a 10 year old daughter. The mother works 5 to 6 overnight shifts a week. My kids are in the home with the bf all those nights. I bothers me a lot. My 13 years old told her counselor shes not comfortable with the living arangements and wants to live with me. So we set up a family counseling meeting, my daughter told her mother and the mother just cried and said she doesn't want this to happen. my youngest daughter calls me at night crying because she misses me. I do have them every other weekend. My question is if I rent a place in the same town can I take the kids and move them into my place? we have no court ordered agreements. we have not even been to court to start the divorce yet.

Yes you can take them and file for custody.

Expect Mom to file immediately for custody too.

Be prepared for a long hard fight that might damage your children far more than you could ever imagine.

 

[stealth2]

FIVE years? What the heck is wrong with you people that neither of you has bothered to file?

 

[cheesecake46580]

If you want to move that close why don't you just offer to watch the kids overnight? It would be so much easier to be ambical about this than to start a fight when from your post you have gotten along fairly well.

 

[Silverplum]

If you want to move that close why don't you just offer to watch the kids overnight? It would be so much easier to be ambical about this than to start a fight when from your post you have gotten along fairly well.

amicable
amiable

 

[tomloughrey]

FIVE years? What the heck is wrong with you people that neither of you has bothered to file?

She feels I should pay for everything. So I will have to file. After I pay support I have just enough to pay rent and bills. I went into a funk which im out of now. Im reading after work how to file without and attorney and attempt this my self. If took me 4 years to pay off a judgement against me for when she got evicted out of the condo we had rented. approx. $8k. Its been a long road.

 

[tomloughrey]

amicable
amiable

I offered that. The kids mother is being difficult. Once I get the place that's my intention. To offer as many nights as possible.

 

[Proserpina]

Give us a timeline please.

Year you separated:
Year the boyfriend moved in:

Thanks.

 

[Isis1]

please, start the process for the divorce.

however, based on best interest of the children, why after 5 years is this arrangement all of a sudden a problem for you?

move closer. that I absolutely encourage.

request for more time. push for equal time and responsibility. not a takeover. the arrangement will only take a turn for the worse of you just up and take the kids. she can and SHOULD file based on status quo. and it's quite possible mom will get the kids right back after you pull this stunt.


now, the issue I need to address. new teenager is now uncomfortable with mom's boyfriend. let's look at the big picture. why? if this is a reason other than disciplinary or her confused hormones...this man will still be there on visitations. and in my mind, not a good enough reaction. you need to look deeper into that issue without planting ideas. talk to the therapist.

 

[cheesecake46580]

amicable
amiable

I suck at spelling can't believe I have a 3.2 gpa because of it lol

 

[tomloughrey]

Give us a timeline please.

Year you separated:
Year the boyfriend moved in:

Thanks.[/QUOTE
We Separated Sept 2009. We did try to work it out and I moved back for a month in approx june 2010. I came home from work one night, went to check me email, hers was left on the screen, an hour before I got home she sent a sexual picture to some guy. I asked why she did that, she asked why am I doing this to her. I realized she was not commited and my trust was broken. I never cheated on her. Idk if she cheated on me.


She moved in with her bf Sept 2011

 

[tomloughrey]

please, start the process for the divorce.

however, based on best interest of the children, why after 5 years is this arrangement all of a sudden a problem for you?

move closer. that I absolutely encourage.

request for more time. push for equal time and responsibility. not a takeover. the arrangement will only take a turn for the worse of you just up and take the kids. she can and SHOULD file based on status quo. and it's quite possible mom will get the kids right back after you pull this stunt.


now, the issue I need to address. new teenager is now uncomfortable with mom's boyfriend. let's look at the big picture. why? if this is a reason other than disciplinary or her confused hormones...this man will still be there on visitations. and in my mind, not a good enough reaction. you need to look deeper into that issue without planting ideas. talk to the therapist.

The arrangement became an issue for me when the mother started working overnight shifts. Its was compounded by my daughters counselor calling me to set up the family meeting for my daughter to tell mom she wants to live with me. Over the past few years mom has shown a bad attitude towards my kids, I have seen/heard her say snide remarks when she did not realize I was still there dropping off the kids. She gets upset with them when they want to go with me. For example I will offer to take the kids to the park on my day off after they get home for school. My daughter who wants to live with tells me Mom got mad at her little sister because she wanted to go with me for a few hours. I asked if they had plans, she said no. My youngest was getting bad headaches, I took her to the doctor as her mother was "too busy for that". I ended up taking her to a neuro who spent a good amount of time with us, reviewing the mri, etc. She asked her a lot about her home life. The neuro said she was under a lot of stress, she suggested she have her see the school counselor, she told me the same thing. I tried to explain it to mom and she yelled at me. I explained it like I was walking on eggshells. My daughter who wants to live with me told me the house is crazy and she cant even do homework their because she can not concentrate. She doesn't sleep well at all their. When she stays at my condo on overnights she falls right to sleep. Her spirit is so much happier at my place. The bf likes to push the little ones buttons to upset her and then laughs. THe mother does intervein and say remember what we talked about and then he stops. It is for these reasons and some others that I would like to have more time with my kids, ie overnights. I am hopefully moving by the kids by dec 1st. Im exhausted sorry for miss spellings and poor grammer.

 

[Proserpina]

Give us a timeline please.

Year you separated:
Year the boyfriend moved in:

Thanks.[/QUOTE
We Separated Sept 2009. We did try to work it out and I moved back for a month in approx june 2010. I came home from work one night, went to check me email, hers was left on the screen, an hour before I got home she sent a sexual picture to some guy. I asked why she did that, she asked why am I doing this to her. I realized she was not commited and my trust was broken. I never cheated on her. Idk if she cheated on me.


She moved in with her bf Sept 2011

He's been around for 4 years - and it's only now becoming a problem? What has changed?

 

[LdiJ]

He's been around for 4 years - and it's only now becoming a problem? What has changed?

I think its that the 13 year old has reached that awkward stage where she is not sure how to react to the boyfriend and is uncomfortable without mom around. I remember a teenage neighbor boy that had been a regular babysitter for the 4 of us, who I became suddenly uncomfortable with at 12-13. Its not that HE did anything wrong or differently, it was all me feeling uncomfortable. That, and now mom working nights.

 

[stealth2]

And that isn't all that unusual, really. It's hard enough when it's your own kid to put aside some ingrained behaviors (i.e. hugs, cuddling, etc.) that most of us engage in at younger ages. When, how, etc. I can imagine more so when it's a kid you may feel bonded to, but isn't yours. Kids tend to make it clear, but a lot of adults have trouble reading/interpreting those signs. B/F may not be "getting" it.

Add in a kid's growing awareness that their parent is a sexual being with an actual partner. 13yo would be just as squicked out if you/Mom were together.

OP... I would be careful of your next move. Has anyone (you) spoken with Mom about WHY 13yo wants to move? Do you have any proof that there is more to this than normal teen/adolescent discomfort? I would almost guarantee that if you do just take the kids? Mom will likely file immediately to have them returned based on status quo - and would likely prevail. And you may find yourself with limited parenting time. On top of that, you will be setting yourself up for quite a number of years of an adversarial relationship with Mom. Is that really what you want?