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Non-Custodial Mother Seeking Advice

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aclcross

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina.
My son is 13 yrs old and his paternal grandmother has legal custody. I pay child support and see him when we can, as we live almost 3 hours apart. Every summer I make sufficient time to make prior arrangements to pick him up, however, every year he mysteriously has plans on the days that we set (his plans are made by gma or dad at the last minute). Then gma offers to bring him to me at a later date. That date never comes. Here it is another year and we have been through the same thing. What can we do? My son, and myself are tired of the charades and games. He has stated repeatedly that he is ready to come home...with me. Since he is living with grandma, and not dad, do I have rights over grandma? Can he choose where he wants to live? What steps do I need to take to ensure this is done with no flaws? Grandma threatens me that if I want him I will have to take her to court because she will never agree to him living with me. Thank you for your time and consideration. Have a blessed day!!!! :eek:
 


MichaCA

Senior Member
And what exactly does grandma have...sole legal custody? (and exactly) how does the court order spell out visitation rights for you, for dad?

How long have you lived separate from daughter? How did grandma get legal rights? How long ago?

How often have you seen/visited your daughter in past two-three years?

Short answer - without knowing answers to these questions...if it is spelled out WHEN you get visitation with your daughter...by court order you have the right to make the plans and visit with your daughter at those times. If grandma is specifically interfering with the court order, and you can show that, you could take this to court for contempt of court order.

However, you need to make sure you are going to pick up your daughter for your time and attempting to exercise that time...otherwise grandma can just say "she never shows up".
 

aclcross

Junior Member
To be honest with you, I am not quite sure. How would I get a copy of that? You see, my exhusband is a recovering addict/drug dealer whom was sentenced to prison. I was also in active addiction/marijuana, and sentenced to prison on a probation violation as a result of taking a charge for the husband. The child was placed in a foster home. We signed custody over to the grandmother to keep the child from being put up for adoption. Long story short, dad is still living the same life. I have been working a recovery program and am about to start my sophmore year in college. The custody order was put in place when my son was 5 years old. He is now 13. I believe it stated that we needed to submit to urinalysis for visitation (??? not sure), however the grandmother has never abided by any of those rules. I have been paying child support since the child was 5 years old and the father has yet to pay a dime. (Hope all of this helps...)
 

aclcross

Junior Member
Also, when I lived right down the street from them, he stayed with me for weeks at the time, sometimes...now that I have moved away, she throws those papers in my face everytime something comes up. Now, my son has started to see for himself how I have been treated through all of this and he is becoming very uncomfortable. I just don't want him to do anything crazy over it. He told me that when he mentioned coming to my house grandma changed the subject, when he tried to talk with her about it, she accused him of arguing with her and stated that she would rather he would punch holes in her walls than to argue with her... that really bothers me. He also mentioned that if he had a way to leave, he would have already left to go to my house. I just need a bit of guidance here.
 

MichaCA

Senior Member
OK, you need to get your court order first. Go to the county courthouse where the case was heard and request a copy.

Thats the only way you will know your rights with daughter. How can you complain about your visitation with daughter if you don't know what the court order says regarding it?

Take the steps you need to take to build your relationship with your daughter. Get clarity on the court order. Start showing up for your visits. Take things from there - once you get clear after taking these steps if grandma is not allowing court ordered visitation, then look at taking steps to get that heard in court, so that you know you get your visitation.
 

Antigone*

Senior Member
To be honest with you, I am not quite sure. How would I get a copy of that? You see, my exhusband is a recovering addict/drug dealer whom was sentenced to prison. I was also in active addiction/marijuana, and sentenced to prison on a probation violation as a result of taking a charge for the husband. The child was placed in a foster home. We signed custody over to the grandmother to keep the child from being put up for adoption. Long story short, dad is still living the same life. I have been working a recovery program and am about to start my sophmore year in college. The custody order was put in place when my son was 5 years old. He is now 13. I believe it stated that we needed to submit to urinalysis for visitation (??? not sure), however the grandmother has never abided by any of those rules. I have been paying child support since the child was 5 years old and the father has yet to pay a dime. (Hope all of this helps...)

It looks to me like grandma is holding all the cards here, as she rightly should. You and your ex put your child through the wringer.

It isn't clear to me that you have any rights at all. This child is in no position to choose. Was there any type of reunification plan put in place?
 

aclcross

Junior Member
I can understand your judgement of what my son may have went through and I agree with you, however, times change and so do people. With that being said, I am not looking for a quick fix, as most may think of "Recovering" addicts, I am looking to do things correctly to ensure that the rest of my son's life is not "through the wringer". Grandma may have been the best choice at the time, but grandma has her own string of dirt, which is one of my reasons for asking these questions. As for the visitation, I do abide by her rules and her times, I do see my son everytime I make arrangements. However, with school and work, I have time frames to work with, as the child does also. Grandma purposely makes it hard so that he doesn't have to go out of town. Honestly, it has become so bad at his house...I am just waiting on a phone call from him saying that he is leaving...that is what I don't want. She doesn't care what he does or where he goes as long as it is not with me. She lets him leave for hours at the time and when I call, she doesn't know where he is or who he is with. Last year I didn't get to see him because his dad had a problem with it...see that is our biggest problem, dad calls all the shots and he has no right to do so, but grandma goes along with it because dad will take it out on her.... I know this is only the beginning but I am willing to do whatever it takes....
 

Antigone*

Senior Member
I can understand your judgement of what my son may have went through and I agree with you, however, times change and so do people. With that being said, I am not looking for a quick fix, as most may think of "Recovering" addicts, I am looking to do things correctly to ensure that the rest of my son's life is not "through the wringer". Grandma may have been the best choice at the time, but grandma has her own string of dirt, which is one of my reasons for asking these questions. As for the visitation, I do abide by her rules and her times, I do see my son everytime I make arrangements. However, with school and work, I have time frames to work with, as the child does also. Grandma purposely makes it hard so that he doesn't have to go out of town. Honestly, it has become so bad at his house...I am just waiting on a phone call from him saying that he is leaving...that is what I don't want. She doesn't care what he does or where he goes as long as it is not with me. She lets him leave for hours at the time and when I call, she doesn't know where he is or who he is with. Last year I didn't get to see him because his dad had a problem with it...see that is our biggest problem, dad calls all the shots and he has no right to do so, but grandma goes along with it because dad will take it out on her.... I know this is only the beginning but I am willing to do whatever it takes....

One more time: What type of reunificatio plan was put in place by the CPS? Do you have court-orderd visitation, not just grandma allowed?
 

aclcross

Junior Member
The reunification plans were put in place by the grandmother, not the courts, but she doesn't even stick to that. She has a hard time remembering what we discuss from one day to the next. It has become rather frustrating.
 

Antigone*

Senior Member
The reunification plans were put in place by the grandmother, not the courts, but she doesn't even stick to that. She has a hard time remembering what we discuss from one day to the next. It has become rather frustrating.
If there is no court-ordered visitation or no reunification plan in place, then she doesn't have to stick to any outside agreement she makes with you.

You really need to find if there are any existing orders before you can expect to make anything happen.

So, why are you still here and not on your way to the courthouse?
 

aclcross

Junior Member
Actually, I am speaking with you on the way...:eek: Thanks for the advice.

You said that it has to be in the county that the orders were placed in or can I go to any courthouse in the state?
 

Antigone*

Senior Member
Actually, I am speaking with you on the way...:eek: Thanks for the advice.

You said that it has to be in the county that the orders were placed in or can I go to any courthouse in the state?
Good luck to you. I know how hard you have to work in recovery and I commend you. Getting your child back is not easy and you'll have to take a lot of licks, but at the end of the day, you need to use these "licks" as a way to get stronger.

Stay focused on your goal, use the tools you've learned, stay positive, and cordial with grandma.

Once you have the orders, come back and let us know, hopefully we can offer more solid advice.

Take care ~ tigi
 

MichaCA

Senior Member
Go to the courthouse where the orders were placed. And you shouldn't be texting and driving. Its as dangerous as drinking and driving.
 

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