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Non-custodial parent/extracurricular activities

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bizzymom4

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (Illinois)?

My daughter is 9 years old. She has been a cheerleader for three years now. She absolutely loves it & is great at it. Last season, my ex-husband decided he didn't want to take her to her game. There was no relevance behind this - it was merely to aggravate me because I was the coach. It was the last game of the season & my daughter was crushed when he told her. She told me that she didn't want to go to her dad's house. I have never degraded her father to her or in her presence, despite the many blow-offs & lack of support. However, because she brought this to my attention, I felt the need to fight for her decision. Long story short, he called the police to my home when I was 'witholding' visitation from him. The officer advised me to re-modify my court order mandating him to take her to her extra-curricular activities. I've heard it could go either way. I just want her to be happy. She just joined softball as well & so far so good in terms of him taking her to her practice (one time thus far). I feel that as parents, it's important to keep our kids in sports & off the streets. But if he doesn't commit to taking her, I don't want to involve her in an organization that she can't be fully commited to. Will taking him back to court help at all?
 


You got some good advice from the police officer. The only way to make your ex-husband take your daughter to extra-curricular activities is by modifying the court order.

The judge will try to determine if your ex-husband is acting against the best interest of the child in order to punish you, or if you are trying to schedule activities on his time in order to interfere with his visitation. It will come down to how much evidence each side can present that their actions are in the best interest of your daughter.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (Illinois)?

My daughter is 9 years old. She has been a cheerleader for three years now. She absolutely loves it & is great at it. Last season, my ex-husband decided he didn't want to take her to her game. There was no relevance behind this - it was merely to aggravate me because I was the coach. It was the last game of the season & my daughter was crushed when he told her. She told me that she didn't want to go to her dad's house. I have never degraded her father to her or in her presence, despite the many blow-offs & lack of support. However, because she brought this to my attention, I felt the need to fight for her decision. Long story short, he called the police to my home when I was 'witholding' visitation from him. The officer advised me to re-modify my court order mandating him to take her to her extra-curricular activities. I've heard it could go either way. I just want her to be happy. She just joined softball as well & so far so good in terms of him taking her to her practice (one time thus far). I feel that as parents, it's important to keep our kids in sports & off the streets. But if he doesn't commit to taking her, I don't want to involve her in an organization that she can't be fully commited to. Will taking him back to court help at all?
It could help...its probably a 50/50 chance.
 

StampGirl

Senior Member
Here is the reality:

You can't dictate what the NCP does with the child on their time. Period. Good luck getting that addressed in your court order. The only thing I see going for you is that he was taking her before, thereby establishing status quo and then refused.

My kids don't participate in ANY extra activities unless it happens during the week or on my time. They know that if its on Dad's time, chances are they won't make it. That includes bday parties etc. Recently though, he has been better about having the child stay home for certain things. But thats after 8yrs of not doing anything. Honestly, its more important they spend time with their Dad than doing other stuff. So I am neutral on that subject.

We agreed to have our oldest participate in Band. I send him the band schedule and we make other arrangements (trades etc) necessary so that I can get her to her events if he is unable to do so. Otherwise, if he says no thats the end of it.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What is the name of your state (Illinois)?

My daughter is 9 years old. She has been a cheerleader for three years now. She absolutely loves it & is great at it. Last season, my ex-husband decided he didn't want to take her to her game. There was no relevance behind this - it was merely to aggravate me because I was the coach. It was the last game of the season & my daughter was crushed when he told her. She told me that she didn't want to go to her dad's house. I have never degraded her father to her or in her presence, despite the many blow-offs & lack of support. However, because she brought this to my attention, I felt the need to fight for her decision. Long story short, he called the police to my home when I was 'witholding' visitation from him. The officer advised me to re-modify my court order mandating him to take her to her extra-curricular activities. I've heard it could go either way. I just want her to be happy. She just joined softball as well & so far so good in terms of him taking her to her practice (one time thus far). I feel that as parents, it's important to keep our kids in sports & off the streets. But if he doesn't commit to taking her, I don't want to involve her in an organization that she can't be fully commited to. Will taking him back to court help at all?

You were withholding visitation. YOU HAVE A COURT ORDER. You don't get to unilaterally disobey that. Why do you think YOU are above the law? And why are you teaching your daughter she only has to obey the law if she wants to? If dad takes you back to court for contempt, he will most likely win and you will be sanctioned.
 

bizzymom4

Junior Member
First of all, neither myself or my daughter believe we are above the law. As I wrote in my post - I kept a very long story short. I failed to give many details as to why the police were involved in the first place. My ex-husband doesn't have a license & I wasn't going to allow my daughter to get into a vehicle with him. Normally, his girlfriend drives him around. They just so happened to be fighting & she refused. Therefore, yes, I withheld visitation. He should have told me this & I would have dropped her off. He told the police that it was because he wouldn't take her to her game. He was mad at his girlfriend & didn't like that I "so called" dictated him to take her. Nothing legally was done to me. Believe me when I say that he'd never take me to court - he probably has numerous warrants out for his arrest for the numerous times he's been caught while driving on a revoked license. I am the parent that is trying to guide her in the right direction. I made poor decisions in my adolescent years & don't want her to have to pay for them. She deserves a good life and I don't want her to be in the middle of his pettiness. I could sit here all day & defend myself - but it's not necessary. As many times as my daughter has come home crying or upset that her weekend was horrible with her dad because he cares more for beer & friends than her - I still NEVER degrade him. In fact, I find different ways to defend his stupidity. She is at the age now where she is seeking his flaws on her own & is realizing what I've been doing. For the past three years, he has had no problem with taking her to her games (of course he wouldn't stay to watch her though). Like I mentioned before, it was merely to upset me, but in the end, it hurt her. So, to respond to your statement again - I do not feel that I'm above the law in any shape or form nor would I ever instill that activity in my daughter. My actions are solely based on supporting, protecting, and loving my daughter.
 
Here is the reality:

You can't dictate what the NCP does with the child on their time. Period. Good luck getting that addressed in your court order. The only thing I see going for you is that he was taking her before, thereby establishing status quo and then refused.

My kids don't participate in ANY extra activities unless it happens during the week or on my time. They know that if its on Dad's time, chances are they won't make it. That includes bday parties etc. Recently though, he has been better about having the child stay home for certain things. But thats after 8yrs of not doing anything. Honestly, its more important they spend time with their Dad than doing other stuff. So I am neutral on that subject.

We agreed to have our oldest participate in Band. I send him the band schedule and we make other arrangements (trades etc) necessary so that I can get her to her events if he is unable to do so. Otherwise, if he says no thats the end of it.
What about when status quo has been established? For example, our daughter has played soccer for over 5 years and now because my ex and I are going through a modification, he hasn't taken her to her games twice.

It wasn't a problem for 5 years, but now it is? How is that beneficial to any child? Oh, and I have seen where judges do order NCP's to take the children to their ex-curricular activites here in the state of TX.
 

TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
What about when status quo has been established? For example, our daughter has played soccer for over 5 years and now because my ex and I are going through a modification, he hasn't taken her to her games twice.

It wasn't a problem for 5 years, but now it is? How is that beneficial to any child? Oh, and I have seen where judges do order NCP's to take the children to their ex-curricular activites here in the state of TX.
I have such an order in Alabama; HOWEVER, OP is NOT in Alabama, Texas or California; she is in ILLINOIS (just so we're all clear on that). :cool:
 

summerdawn

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (Illinois)?

My daughter is 9 years old. She has been a cheerleader for three years now. She absolutely loves it & is great at it. Last season, my ex-husband decided he didn't want to take her to her game. There was no relevance behind this - it was merely to aggravate me because I was the coach. It was the last game of the season & my daughter was crushed when he told her. She told me that she didn't want to go to her dad's house. I have never degraded her father to her or in her presence, despite the many blow-offs & lack of support. However, because she brought this to my attention, I felt the need to fight for her decision. Long story short, he called the police to my home when I was 'witholding' visitation from him. The officer advised me to re-modify my court order mandating him to take her to her extra-curricular activities. I've heard it could go either way. I just want her to be happy. She just joined softball as well & so far so good in terms of him taking her to her practice (one time thus far). I feel that as parents, it's important to keep our kids in sports & off the streets. But if he doesn't commit to taking her, I don't want to involve her in an organization that she can't be fully commited to. Will taking him back to court help at all?
Isn't this a bit dramatic? It reminds me of an 80s public service announcement. Whether your kids are in organized activities or not it is still up to you to "keep them off the streets."
 

bizzymom4

Junior Member
Call it what you will. I guess I didn't think this website was a blog - I was actually seeking advice from educated people who perhaps could offer some insight - not necessarily critique what I say and how I felt.
 

nextwife

Senior Member
I feel that as parents, it's important to keep our kids in sports & off the streets/
I know many adults that were NOT involved/overly involved in sports, yet grew to be HIGHLY respected, responsible adults. There are OTHER pursuits of worth. Science fairs, music, chess, theater, dance, volunteer work, scouts, religious organizations. One can grow great kids and good citizens without demanding constant sports participation.
 

CourtClerk

Senior Member
Isn't this a bit dramatic?
I don't think so. I think it's quite true. Mom IS trying to keep her child off the streets. Her only other option is to keep kiddo in the house, getting fat and playing video games. My child plays 4 sports for that same reason.

Granted, I don't think that there should be an activity that imposes on dad's time. If he doesn't want to take kiddo, he shouldn't have to. It's his time to do with what he pleases.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Call it what you will. I guess I didn't think this website was a blog - I was actually seeking advice from educated people who perhaps could offer some insight - not necessarily critique what I say and how I felt.
Its not a blog. And the people here are educated.
 

CourtClerk

Senior Member
I know many adults that were NOT involved/overly involved in sports, yet grew to be HIGHLY respected, responsible adults. There are OTHER pursuits of worth. Science fairs, music, chess, theater, dance, volunteer work, scouts, religious organizations. One can grow great kids and good citizens without demanding constant sports participation.
Oh get off of it. You know what she meant. Whether it's sports, 4H, girl scouts, church activities, you get the point. And if you don't, then I'm sorry for you.
 

malissa121

Junior Member
Isn't this a bit dramatic? It reminds me of an 80s public service announcement. Whether your kids are in organized activities or not it is still up to you to "keep them off the streets."

Sorry to chime in here but this is not dramatic... it's reality! Keep kids busy in sports and extra carricular activites and if they enjoy these activities then they will continue on into their teenage years. The busier they are as teenagers the less time they have getting into trouble! Also, in jr. high and high school you can not do most extra-carricular activities unless your grades are adequate. If kids really enjoy what they are doing then they will HAVE to get good grades to contiune.

Sounds like common sense to me!

Why is it OK for a kid to have to miss the healthy activites that they enjoy to sit home just becasue the other parent does not want to bother taking them?
 

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