Non-family member moving into CP's house

[momofrose]

What is the name of your state?NJ

I am an NCP (mother) of my 8 year old (beautiful) daughter.She's with me approximately 40% of the time and with her dad 60%. We have been divorced for 5 years.

Recently my daughter told me that her step-mother's sister (her aunt) is getting married in July. She also advised that the fiancee of her Aunt is moving in with them until the wedding (in July) so they can save money for the wedding.

I do not know this person at all, and while I am sure it is ok..I wonder if I should have been consulted about this "change of environment".

My daughter knows him very well and thinks it's a great idea (I am not so sure)...but in any case I realize he is the CP, but legally, should I have been notified??

Just wondering.

Thanks

 

[stealth2]

Depends - what does your order say? Does it address non-related by blood or marriage people living in the house? If not, there's likely no need for him to inform you.

 

[VeronicaGia]

Depends - what does your order say? Does it address non-related by blood or marriage people living in the house? If not, there's likely no need for him to inform you.

Even if it did, this person is not sharing a bed with our posters ex, so the wording of the order would have to be specific. If it wasn't, and if our posters ex married someone who already had kids, those kids wouldn't be able to move into the house since they would be of no relation to the child of the poster.

 

[stealth2]

Even if it did, this person is not sharing a bed with our posters ex, so the wording of the order would have to be specific. If it wasn't, and if our posters ex married someone who already had kids, those kids wouldn't be able to move into the house since they would be of no relation to the child of the poster.

The kids would be related by marriage, VG. But yes, it would have to be specific. I'm really not seeing the issue, myself.

 

[4bidN2father]

Im not a lawyer but I would like to address this situation with a few questions. Im not trying to be rude but ...if in fact, you married this person, or rather chose this person to have a child with, why would you suddenly decide simply because you arent together that, that same person no longer knows how to parent and also needs your permission to do things in their own home where you no longer reside regardless of whether the child is present or not?
Seems kind of controlling to me. Dont you think that children get sick and tired of being pawns in their parents lil power plays? Just my opinion and I admit I am biased b/c I have a B*tch as an ex who does this very same thing. So I could be off base here but it just seems so petty to me.

 

[momofrose]

Thanks - the order dooes not address such issues.

I just thought that since this is not her "step" anything, that I might have been consulted on such an issue.

Like I said, I do not know this person and he will be living with my daughter. I guess it the tabes were turned, I would have at least advised him.

Oh well..thanks anyway.

 

[momofrose]

To 4bidN2father

You might not mean to come off sounding rude..but I would likee to point out a few things to you (if I may)

"and also needs your permission to do things in their own home where you no longer reside regardless of whether the child is present or not?"
I never asked that I give permission..I asked if I should have been consulted. In a co-parenting and joint custody relationship..I would have given him that courtesy.

"Seems kind of controlling to me" - if "controlling" means making sure I look out for the best interest of my child..then YES I am controlling.

"Dont you think that children get sick and tired of being pawns in their parents lil power plays?" - What power play? My daughter does not even know that I am not comfotable with this arrangement..I told her "it would be fun".

What kind of person or parent would I be if I just let this go without even questioning what kind of person this is. I do not know who he is but he will be living with my daughter for over 6 months. I do not think it is an unreasonable request to have been talked to about this rather then be told by my 8 year old daughter..

Sorry you have a B*tch as an ex" ...but not every situation is like yours.

 

[4bidN2father]

I apologize if you feel I insulted you in some way. But let me again point something else out to you. You asked "What kind of person or parent would I be if I just let this go without even questioning what kind of person this is."
My response is: What kind of person are you that you would choose someone to father your child that you feel is unable to make decisions without your imput? That is my point. Why in your opinion isnt he CAPABLE of making decisions in his home WITHOUT your imput or consent? Dont you think that he is putting your child's interests first? If not, dont you think this is something you should have considered prior to having a child? Just something to consider.
I think its great that you didnt let your child know but dont think for a second that children dont pick up on tension or how we really feel about the other parent. I dont necessarily think lying is best either. Just my opinion like I said.

 

[HOPENDEN]

momofrose

I would have to agree with 4bidN2father. Your post does come across as though you are trying to controll your ex's every move and life decision. If it isn't in your order why question it. Just because you would have done it differently, does not mean that he would have done the same. Leave your ex alone, you are no longer a part of his decision making. Unless this non family member has a record of abuse towards children, then it does not concern you...

 

[momofrose]

I am not going to go back and forth with you on this..You appear to have a real chip on your shoulder (most likely because of your "B*tch as an ex").

There is someone going to be living with my daughter that I DO NOT KNOW...am I supposed to accept everything without question just because I married and had a child with this person? That's ridiculous.

I do not accept anything or any decision on face value when it comes to my daughter, I always ask for more information and always look out for her. That's why I posted here and why I will continue to make sure things are being done correctly.

I never put my child in the middle but I disagree..with your statement of
" I dont necessarily think lying is best either"..sometimes it is the only way to spare your child any hurt. I am a VERY good actress and speak highly of her father all the time. She knows we are "friends"..even though we are not.

I understand this is just your opinion...but it's not on target at all...

 

[stealth2]

If it's not in your order, he doesn't have to tell you squat. THat's the long and the short of it.

 

[momofrose]

To HOPENDEN

My original post said

"I do not know this person at all, and while I am sure it is ok..I wonder if I should have been consulted about this "change of environment".

and you state "Your post does come across as though you are trying to controll your ex's every move and life decision."

Can you please tell me what part of my post sounds "controlling"??

Are you telling me that if a person moved into your child's primary home and you did not know that person that you would just accept it without question??? and if (God forbid) something happened to that child...could you sleep at night?

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

Stealth, Exactly! If you have a issue that you want addressed concerning your daughter and her living situation while at her dad's,then you file a motion in the court regarding it.

Every one of you are under a court order, that happened when you got divorced, so if you want things changed, go for it. File and see what the judge has to say.

My opinion is that you want to hear what you want, and the fact is, you cannot dictate this man's life. I understand your concern about a "Strange man", but this is at the childs dad's house, and clearly Dad has not let anything happen to your child.

I personally would not have a million people moving in with me, but that is not the issue. The issue is your court order.

 

[4bidN2father]

It does not matter that YOU do not know them. Her father DOES. Its HIS home and unless some court has given YOU the RIGHT to say who comes in and out of HIS home, its none of YOUR business. If a court gave her father 60% residential time, then the court obviously had reason to believe he was CAPABLE of making decisions regarding his daughter that are in her best interest without YOUR consent or imput.
I was just asking you to look at things differently. I thought it might make a difference. Obviously not.
Being a good actress is only good in Hollywood. If your daughter KNOWS as you stated that her father and you are friends, yet you state that is not the case, then she doesnt KNOW that, she happens to believe a LIE that YOU told her.
Why not actually try to be civil and friendly? And then maybe one day that LIE can be the TRUTH.
Just because you are no longer w/ him tho, doesnt mean he cant be a good father and still put his daughter first.

 

[HOPENDEN]

My original post said

"I do not know this person at all, and while I am sure it is ok..I wonder if I should have been consulted about this "change of environment".

and you state "Your post does come across as though you are trying to controll your ex's every move and life decision."

Can you please tell me what part of my post sounds "controlling"??

Are you telling me that if a person moved into your child's primary home and you did not know that person that you would just accept it without question??? and if (God forbid) something happened to that child...could you sleep at night?

I understand your concern, but in reality unless it is stated in any of our orders, then the other side does not have to tell us anything. I have been there and done that. Unless you can prove that this change of environment will impede on your child's well being then you need to accept it. Do you know everyone that is in your ex's life?

As for your second question, to me it is controlling because I have an ex who has tried and done the same thing pertaining to my life. As the courts told him, Let Go, and move on... The only thing that the both of you have a common ground on is your child and the welfare of the child, and what is in the best interest of your child.

As for your third question, I have no say so over who my ex lets into his home, whether I know them or not, unless I can prove that this person is a danger to my child(ren), I have to accept it and move on, and yes I can sleep at night, I have lost many nights of sleep over many dilemmas pertaining to my children, but guess what I have to suck it up and move on. I am sorry if this comes across to harsh, but there has to be a line somewhere whether you are the CP or the NCP. I root for both sides.