Older sister wants full custody

[AshleyCalvin]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I want to gain custody of my younger 1/2 sibling, I am 27 she is 12. Her parents have split custody, both are adidcts to pain pills and her father smokes pot.
My sister is complety ignored by father for all concerns that matter.. school, doctor visits, dentists. Shes been held back before and shes now failing the 6th grade. No one helps her with homework, no one holds her accountable, shes online on her cell phone talking to boys (much older than her), and on top of all that her father has awful anger issues, he screams and yells and talks down to her often. He a control freak that wont let her come and stay with me, I live down the street from them. I try as much as I can to help. I tried to sign her up for after school help, and he called me screaming that it was his daughter and I wasn't allowed to do things of that nature. Our mother isn't in the picture, she has no job, no car, no home and she takes her prescription pills at a furious rate until shes pratically sedated. The cops have been to the home at least 6 times in a year, where they live with his elderly father also on pain pills, his girl friend and her 3 kids in a two bedroom house. The calls are usually because for domestic dispute because he and his girlfriend are arguing. No one cares for her, no one is on her team, I want to be there for her and show her that people don't live like this and that I care. Show her love and understanding and get her away from the daily drama that is her life. Also all of the children witnesed him beat their dog with a metal pole... not to death but until his girl friend stopped him. I need help and answers of what to do next. I am also worried that I wont gain custody adn then he unables me to see her. Or that he may do somthing to my animals.. as they are across the street from him. I have two horses and am scared for their safty if I gain custody. This week DCHS was called on them and he has avoided them, they drug tested the girlfriend and she failed for pot. However its been 3-4 days and he is supposed to go to their office tomorrow to take a drug test. I am not sure what my next move is.
any advice will be appreciated
Thank You
Ashley

 

[CTU]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I want to gain custody of my younger 1/2 sibling, I am 27 she is 12. Her parents have split custody, both are adidcts to pain pills and her father smokes pot.
My sister is complety ignored by father for all concerns that matter.. school, doctor visits, dentists. Shes been held back before and shes now failing the 6th grade. No one helps her with homework, no one holds her accountable, shes online on her cell phone talking to boys (much older than her), and on top of all that her father has awful anger issues, he screams and yells and talks down to her often. He a control freak that wont let her come and stay with me, I live down the street from them. I try as much as I can to help. I tried to sign her up for after school help, and he called me screaming that it was his daughter and I wasn't allowed to do things of that nature. Our mother isn't in the picture, she has no job, no car, no home and she takes her prescription pills at a furious rate until shes pratically sedated. The cops have been to the home at least 6 times in a year, where they live with his elderly father also on pain pills, his girl friend and her 3 kids in a two bedroom house. The calls are usually because for domestic dispute because he and his girlfriend are arguing. No one cares for her, no one is on her team, I want to be there for her and show her that people don't live like this and that I care. Show her love and understanding and get her away from the daily drama that is her life. Also all of the children witnesed him beat their dog with a metal pole... not to death but until his girl friend stopped him. I need help and answers of what to do next. I am also worried that I wont gain custody adn then he unables me to see her. Or that he may do somthing to my animals.. as they are across the street from him. I have two horses and am scared for their safty if I gain custody. This week DCHS was called on them and he has avoided them, they drug tested the girlfriend and she failed for pot. However its been 3-4 days and he is supposed to go to their office tomorrow to take a drug test. I am not sure what my next move is.
any advice will be appreciated
Thank You
Ashley

You need to understand that you don't stand equal to Dad here and would need to prove that he's unfit (which is actually terrifically difficult - the acceptable standard of parenting is very, very low) and if the state doesn't remove the child your chances of getting custody are zero. You also need to understand that you have absolutely NO right to sign the child up for ANYTHING without having parental consent (and even then, it should be the parent signing up - not a legal stranger, which is what you are).

If the state DOES remove the child, then you may have options. Until then, tread very, very carefully; Dad has every right to stop you from seeing your sister.

 

[CTU]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I want to gain custody of my younger 1/2 sibling, I am 27 she is 12. Her parents have split custody, both are adidcts to pain pills and her father smokes pot.
My sister is complety ignored by father for all concerns that matter.. school, doctor visits, dentists. Shes been held back before and shes now failing the 6th grade. No one helps her with homework, no one holds her accountable, shes online on her cell phone talking to boys (much older than her), and on top of all that her father has awful anger issues, he screams and yells and talks down to her often. He a control freak that wont let her come and stay with me, I live down the street from them. I try as much as I can to help. I tried to sign her up for after school help, and he called me screaming that it was his daughter and I wasn't allowed to do things of that nature. Our mother isn't in the picture, she has no job, no car, no home and she takes her prescription pills at a furious rate until shes pratically sedated. The cops have been to the home at least 6 times in a year, where they live with his elderly father also on pain pills, his girl friend and her 3 kids in a two bedroom house. The calls are usually because for domestic dispute because he and his girlfriend are arguing. No one cares for her, no one is on her team, I want to be there for her and show her that people don't live like this and that I care. Show her love and understanding and get her away from the daily drama that is her life. Also all of the children witnesed him beat their dog with a metal pole... not to death but until his girl friend stopped him. I need help and answers of what to do next. I am also worried that I wont gain custody adn then he unables me to see her. Or that he may do somthing to my animals.. as they are across the street from him. I have two horses and am scared for their safty if I gain custody. This week DCHS was called on them and he has avoided them, they drug tested the girlfriend and she failed for pot. However its been 3-4 days and he is supposed to go to their office tomorrow to take a drug test. I am not sure what my next move is.
any advice will be appreciated
Thank You
Ashley

One more thing. If your mother isn't in the picture, how exactly do you know that she "takes her prescription pills at a furious rate until she's practically (sic) sedated"?

Your credibility is in question.

 

[AshleyCalvin]

One more thing. If your mother isn't in the picture, how exactly do you know that she "takes her prescription pills at a furious rate until she's practically (sic) sedated"?

Your credibility is in question.

My mother has lived with me, twice, once when she broke her foot, and again recently for a week. I came home to her messed up and in a zombie like state, she was then promplty kicked out. When I say shes not in the picture I mean with my sisters life in any way.

 

[AshleyCalvin]

You need to understand that you don't stand equal to Dad here and would need to prove that he's unfit (which is actually terrifically difficult - the acceptable standard of parenting is very, very low) and if the state doesn't remove the child your chances of getting custody are zero. You also need to understand that you have absolutely NO right to sign the child up for ANYTHING without having parental consent (and even then, it should be the parent signing up - not a legal stranger, which is what you are).

If the state DOES remove the child, then you may have options. Until then, tread very, very carefully; Dad has every right to stop you from seeing your sister.

Is there any way that I can get his rights taken away with my mother being on my side and just have her sign custody over to me?

 

[Zigner]

Is there any way that I can get his rights taken away with my mother being on my side and just have her sign custody over to me?

No, it doesn't work that way.
You really can't just swoop in and take a child like that.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Is there any way that I can get his rights taken away with my mother being on my side and just have her sign custody over to me?

Can't have it both ways... Mom's a mess, you know she's on drugs, but you want a change of custody to her... Even if it's just to get control... Because even if Mom got custody, if she tried fobbing your half-sister off to someone else, *Dad* still would have priority over you.

What you *can* do is try to be non-confrontational with Dad and see if you have enough finesse/tact/navigational skills to "work with" him. Legally, you cannot do what you are proposing, but practically, your end goal is to help your half sister.

Remember: he has the power, and she is his child. You are (one of?) his ex's child. You've got to sweeten the pot and not view/act like he's the enemy. Convince him that you're just trying to make his life easier (because his situation really does suck), and that you're a kind, generous person who loves his child and respects his position as a parent, and who knows?

(I'm not saying that this would be easy - personally, I wouldn't be able to pull it off. But in the absence of legal standing, that seems to be the best option for you.)

 

[not2cleverRed]

About your only hope is that *if* the DCHS concludes that there is a problem and the children are to be removed from the household into foster care, *maybe* you could ask for family placement with you.

*But* given that you live so near by, this could actually work *against* you - if things are bad enough to warrant removing your half-sister from the household, it is likely they won't want her practically within eyeshot of the problem.

 

[AshleyCalvin]

About your only hope is that *if* the DCHS concludes that there is a problem and the children are to be removed from the household into foster care, *maybe* you could ask for family placement with you.

*But* given that you live so near by, this could actually work *against* you - if things are bad enough to warrant removing your half-sister from the household, it is likely they won't want her practically within eyeshot of the problem.

I live 2 miles away. If I were to get a restraining order would that help. He is never here and once she was taken away he wouldn't be allowed unless by court order. I honestly HATE this man with every ounce of my being but must tolerate him for the sake of my sister.

 

[commentator]

Keep in mind that if he is on any kind of public assistance, she is on his case, and he is not going to turn her over to anyone else as that would result in a loss of income.

What you are describing, horrible yelling, failure to get regular dental work, oversee homework, his anger issues on going, he hit their dog here a while back, those things aren't even qualified as "benign neglect" and wouldn't impress the most diligent DCS workers to want to remove a child from the situation. He smokes pot, she smokes pot, the police have been called because they're fighting, they're bad awful people....it's all a bunch of unrelated random accusations made of things that happened through the years. And you are NOT going to get anywhere near getting custody of your half sister in this situation. Frankly, in our state right now, there are not enough foster home placements, caseworkers, money for DHS programs, even for the most awful and horrible cases of blatant abuse where children are being sold sexually and burned with cigarettes. And what you are describing isn't even a low grade family in crisis situation, just that your sister has a lousy homelife in a sort of messy situation.

What you may do, as others have suggested, is set yourself up to be someone your sister can count on, someone who can make your sister's life better. But you must do it without putting yourself in an adversarial situation with your stepfather. It sounds like you have been in open combat with him, and you'd like to really blow him out of the water.


But legally, he has all the power in this situation, you have NONE, even if your mother is "on your side" as you put it. You can possibly show your sister another way of life, but only if he gives permission for her to visit you. This would require that you stop being the enemy and try to be someone who wants to help him with the care of his daughter. If he agrees, you can help him out by scheduling her regular medical and dental care. You can give her extra help in school or sign her up for tutoring. You can have visits with her, take her on vacations with you, etc. You can do all these things, IF HE AGREES but you cannot go in there legally and jerk a knot in his tail and take your sister.

And if she gets the idea that you like to put a stop to some of the things she's doing, like talking to much older boys, that she's enjoying doing and gets to do now, she may be the one who refuses a relationship with you, and then all possibility of any influence or relationship with her and improving her life in any way would be over.

 

[AshleyCalvin]

Keep in mind that if he is on any kind of public assistance, she is on his case, and he is not going to turn her over to anyone else as that would result in a loss of income.

So here is the real kicker my awesome mother signs him, herself, and my sister up on assistance. So my mother gets it not him. I don't want or need the assistance he could keep it for all I care.

 

[commentator]

I live 2 miles away. If I were to get a restraining order would that help. He is never here and once she was taken away he wouldn't be allowed unless by court order. I honestly HATE this man with every ounce of my being but must tolerate him for the sake of my sister.

What you don't seem to be realizing here is that unless your stepfather did something so egregious that he's not apt to be in the picture any more, eg. got caught cooking meth in the house, murdered his girlfriend, raped your sister, etc. he is NOT likely going to have this child removed from his custody. The on going mess you describe does not a remove-from-home situation make. Just because you hate him and know he's an unfit parent does not mean the authorities will see it that way.

What we are trying to tell you is that the authorities are not going to swoop in and take your sister away from him simply because he's not a good daddy in many random ways. Unless something really bad happens, they're not going to totally remove all his parental rights, give your sister to you, and give you an order of protection to make sure he doesn't interfere with you in your parenting process from now on.

 

[CTU]

I live 2 miles away. If I were to get a restraining order would that help. He is never here and once she was taken away he wouldn't be allowed unless by court order. I honestly HATE this man with every ounce of my being but must tolerate him for the sake of my sister.

And on what would a restraining order be based, exactly?

Ashley, I know you care deeply for your sister, but the hatred towards your stepfather seems to be driving you more and that's not healthy. You're even talking about having your unfit mother (by your account, not ours) getting custody or somehow getting his rights terminated in order for YOU to "take" custody. Do you really think the state is going to allow that to happen? No. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

And please, Ashley, don't lead your sister on thinking that she'll be free of Dad in a few months once you get custody of her. As tempting as it might be, it will lead to only heartbreak.

Be her sister. Be a positive force in her life. Just never forget that Dad has all the cards here and you have none.

 

[AshleyCalvin]

And on what would a restraining order be based, exactly?

Ashley, I know you care deeply for your sister, but the hatred towards your stepfather seems to be driving you more and that's not healthy. You're even talking about having your unfit mother (by your account, not ours) getting custody or somehow getting his rights terminated in order for YOU to "take" custody. Do you really think the state is going to allow that to happen? No. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

And please, Ashley, don't lead your sister on thinking that she'll be free of Dad in a few months once you get custody of her. As tempting as it might be, it will lead to only heartbreak.

Be her sister. Be a positive force in her life. Just never forget that Dad has all the cards here and you have none.

The hate of my step father isn't my driving force. It's getting my sister out of a home where she isn't shown love, compassion, wrong from right. She goes rly feels alone. She has no one on her side and I'm trying to be. I'm really hoping cod does something so I can step in. Because from what everyone says on here there's no hope. Even though she completely failing. I let my hate go for that man a long time ago, karma will bite him in the ass one day.

 

[stealth2]

One thing you might consider to prepare yourself in the event CPS removes her - get yourself certified as a foster parent. And do not allow your Mom to live with you on even the most temporary basis.

But it could all still be a long shot.

I agree that you would be best off to make nice with Dad. Offer to help kiddo w/her homework, have her over for dinner a few nights a week, etc. Make the pot you're handing him sweet.