other parent attending all sports practices?

[MichaCA]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

Strange question, we have joint legal and physical. Daughter has joined up for basketball. I had discussed with her dad, he was reticent, I decided to take the plunge and go ahead and enroll her and hope he would get on board. She just happened to end up at a regular weekly practice time thats always when I have her (Tuesday evenings).

All fine and dandy. Well, dad has showed up for her tryouts, and first two practices. Thats Ok...I sat close to him. We do have a strained relationship, but I am quite used to us both being at school functions (he used to even show up for the child/mother day event...THATS how involved he gets).

Our daughter has major issues with her dad...long story, several situations of unproven physical abuse, major discipline issues, weird boundry issues....all borderline stuff as far as legal action; just a difficult relationship between the two of them.

I emailed him and asked him was he planning to come to all of her basketball practices. I simply told him my point of view, that I respect his doing extracurricular stuff with her on his time...ex., horseback riding which his employer pays for...over the years I have met him there twice...both times I write him and set it up with him out of respect. Maybe this is overboard...somehow I just think to let each parent have their time with their kid and whatever it involves. Open school functions...both parents should feel free to go...a game, or special event in an activity, OR a special request from the child for the other parent to attend...thats just how I've looked at it, and I give them that space. It would feel rude, to me, to just start popping up once or twice a week to watch her horseback ride when she is in his care. He states he thinks "its important to her to see us getting along". I don't think thats the point. For one, he really DOESN'T try to get along with me...I am much more polite and friendly to him around her (I am the only one to even say hello), I think the point is simply supporting our child in doing a extracurricular activity she has chosen - not prove some point for him.

I stay out of his space to the point so that I am not totally alienated from her horseback riding twice I arranged with the dad for me and my visiting father to watch her horseback ride, twice I have paid out of pocket on my time with her and watched just to get a feel for what she's doing.

The dad wrote me back and told me he intends to attend each and every basketball practice (which all fall on my visitation time with daughter). It feels overboard to me. Daughter has had a really hard time the past few years, lots of transitions, now if finally interested in her own thing....wants more space from her dad (I don't like it but this is not about me, she really seems to need a psychic space from her dad) and yet he is coming each and every time...so she gets even more contact with her dad, by choosing to try something new and fun out.

Sorry so long, I can only presume legally he has every right to do this...I certainly don't plan on making a stink, I am just disappointed.

If this DOES seem out of line (his insistance on this) would someone please share? Thank you very much, MichaCA

[Hisbabygirl77]

Originally Posted by MichaCA

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

Strange question, we have joint legal and physical. Daughter has joined up for basketball. I had discussed with her dad, he was reticent, I decided to take the plunge and go ahead and enroll her and hope he would get on board. She just happened to end up at a regular weekly practice time thats always when I have her (Tuesday evenings).

All fine and dandy. Well, dad has showed up for her tryouts, and first two practices. Thats Ok...I sat close to him. We do have a strained relationship, but I am quite used to us both being at school functions (he used to even show up for the child/mother day event...THATS how involved he gets).

Our daughter has major issues with her dad...long story, several situations of unproven physical abuse, major discipline issues, weird boundry issues....all borderline stuff as far as legal action; just a difficult relationship between the two of them.

I emailed him and asked him was he planning to come to all of her basketball practices. I simply told him my point of view, that I respect his doing extracurricular stuff with her on his time...ex., horseback riding which his employer pays for...over the years I have met him there twice...both times I write him and set it up with him out of respect. Maybe this is overboard...somehow I just think to let each parent have their time with their kid and whatever it involves. Open school functions...both parents should feel free to go...a game, or special event in an activity, OR a special request from the child for the other parent to attend...thats just how I've looked at it, and I give them that space. It would feel rude, to me, to just start popping up once or twice a week to watch her horseback ride when she is in his care. He states he thinks "its important to her to see us getting along". I don't think thats the point. For one, he really DOESN'T try to get along with me...I am much more polite and friendly to him around her (I am the only one to even say hello), I think the point is simply supporting our child in doing a extracurricular activity she has chosen - not prove some point for him.

I stay out of his space to the point so that I am not totally alienated from her horseback riding twice I arranged with the dad for me and my visiting father to watch her horseback ride, twice I have paid out of pocket on my time with her and watched just to get a feel for what she's doing.

The dad wrote me back and told me he intends to attend each and every basketball practice (which all fall on my visitation time with daughter). It feels overboard to me. Daughter has had a really hard time the past few years, lots of transitions, now if finally interested in her own thing....wants more space from her dad (I don't like it but this is not about me, she really seems to need a psychic space from her dad) and yet he is coming each and every time...so she gets even more contact with her dad, by choosing to try something new and fun out.

Sorry so long, I can only presume legally he has every right to do this...I certainly don't plan on making a stink, I am just disappointed.

If this DOES seem out of line (his insistance on this) would someone please share? Thank you very much, MichaCA

I don't believe that it is overboard at all. Be happy that he is involved in your child's sports. If it was my child I would be at every practice or game. In fact, I am at every one. This seems really petty to me, no offense.

[Ohiogal]

He is entitled to attend every practice even if it is on "your time". You are entitled to attend public lessons and such that are on his time. he can come to the school for lunch with his daughter on "your" days. Unless there is a restraining order prohibiting it, he is allowed.

[killerzoey]

I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is to speak up about this stuff because on the surface it looks benign and like something we *should* be supportive of. I deal with this sort of thing pretty often. Boundaries do not exist for my STBX and I anticipate a future full of things that don't seem quite right.

There are legal boundaries and then there are interpersonal boundaries and the hope in our relationships within and outside of divorce is that good common sense would govern the latter. If he is being omnipresent and you doubt his sincerity it can be a very icky feeling, as those feelings are impossible to defend to people who haven't been there.

Has your ex ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

[The_Non-Mom]

Originally Posted by killerzoey

Has your ex ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

So a parent that attends his child's sports practices and activities is presumed to have a personality disorder?

[Hisbabygirl77]

Originally Posted by killerzoey

I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is to speak up about this stuff because on the surface it looks benign and like something we *should* be supportive of. I deal with this sort of thing pretty often. Boundaries do not exist for my STBX and I anticipate a future full of things that don't seem quite right.

There are legal boundaries and then there are interpersonal boundaries and the hope in our relationships within and outside of divorce is that good common sense would govern the latter. If he is being omnipresent and you doubt his sincerity it can be a very icky feeling, as those feelings are impossible to defend to people who haven't been there.

Has your ex ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

Quite honestly it doesn't matter his reasons for going to the sporting events unless its for illegal reasons. He is still the parent and he still has a right to go even if mommy feels uncomfortable with it or not.

[killerzoey]

Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77

Quite honestly it doesn't matter his reasons for going to the sporting events unless its for illegal reasons. He is still the parent and he still has a right to go even if mommy feels uncomfortable with it or not.

I know that legally this is the case and I also know that this is a legal board.

[kimberlywrites]

If he's not harassing you in any way, or threatening you, there's nothing you can do. We have a poster (it might be Killer Zoey, can't recall and too lazy to look) who has to fight off unwanted physical advances all the time.

[killerzoey]

Originally Posted by kimberlywrites

If he's not harassing you in any way, or threatening you, there's nothing you can do. We have a poster (it might be Killer Zoey, can't recall and too lazy to look) who has to fight off unwanted physical advances all the time.

Yup. I'm the lucky one who gets all the hugs.

[xylene]

Am I the only one who thinks it is inappropriate for any parent to be attending all (in fact ANY) of the child's practices?

I know that this is the age of paranoid and ultra-competitive parents... but this sounds insane.

Let the kid and the coach do what they are there for, not be on top of them.

[kimberlywrites]

But he is not behaving ILLEGALLY. So there's nothing she can do.

[nextwife]

Originally Posted by xylene

Am I the only one who thinks it is inappropriate for any parent to be attending all (in fact ANY) of the child's practices?

I know that this is the age of paranoid and ultra-competitive parents... but this sounds insane.

Let the kid and the coach do what they are there for, not be on top of them.

Kiddo is 12, and is also playing basketball. Anyway, she asked us to please NOT attend practices at all. She said it would be embarassing. To wait for the actual games.

[Hisbabygirl77]

Originally Posted by xylene

Am I the only one who thinks it is inappropriate for any parent to be attending all (in fact ANY) of the child's practices?

I know that this is the age of paranoid and ultra-competitive parents... but this sounds insane.

Let the kid and the coach do what they are there for, not be on top of them.

Its to bad you feel that way. My children ask and love that I go to their practices. I enjoy watching my child have fun and they enjoy knowing I am there watching them proudly. If I miss a practice they get upset because they wanted me to see them make a good goal or do a new dance step. If they ever reach an age that they do not want me there then of course I wouldn't go. Until then there is nothing unhealthy about it for the children or the parents. Different families different styles. Ours is a close family involved in everything. My children often feel sad for their friends whose parents arent their for practices or games because they couldnt imagine it.

[mdgtfrmhll]

Originally Posted by xylene

Am I the only one who thinks it is inappropriate for any parent to be attending all (in fact ANY) of the child's practices?

I know that this is the age of paranoid and ultra-competitive parents... but this sounds insane.

Let the kid and the coach do what they are there for, not be on top of them.

Parents are required by the league to be at all of kiddo's football practices. Maybe that is the same case with OP's practices. It isn't insane when required.....

[killerzoey]

Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77

Its to bad you feel that way. My children ask and love that I go their practices. I enjoy watching my child have fun and they enjoy knowing I am there watching them proudly. If I miss a practice they get upset because they wanted me to see them make a good goal or do a new dance step.

This is the ideal scenario. Of course. In general it is a good thing for parents to attend their kids' practices, and in general, kids usually interpret the parent's presence as validating to them.

But it is dangerous to assume that what is true in one situation is therefore true in another. This can lead to false conclusions.

My STBX is Narcissistic. As a result everything he does, even stuff that is "good" on the surface, is self-serving and controlling, and has a sort of an icky feel to it. It is almost impossible to describe if you have never been involved with someone like this. And if the Narc is good at veiling everything in selfless motives, well, it's just plain crazy-making. I am not saying this is the case of the OP but it sure smacks of that to me, and for that I feel sorry for their kid.