overnight visitation

[Dana13]

Our court systems are really amazing. So basically, I have to sit back and wait until something happens in order for me to prove he is being an irresponsible father? That said, I will just have to work extra hard in taking care of our son and making sure he is brought up in a stable environment and gets as much attention and love a person could give him. What my husband does during the time he spends with our son, I guess isn't my business. If my son decides not to bond with his father, then I guess that isn't my problem. I will know I tried my best to try and make that happen. I really hope my husband snaps out of this phase. He was such a nice, caring person before all this happened. Thanks again momma tiger.

 

[stealth2]

I really haven't seen you post anything that indicates he's not a good father. I'm a single parent of 2, and there are times when they are up waaaaaaay past their bedtimes. There are times when we go for dinner at my folks, and agfter a few glasses of wine - I don't feel like taking the chance of driving home (all of 10 miles away), so we stay over. Does this make me a less caring or thoughtful parent? Does it mean something will happen? Of course not.

Kids the age of yours are actually pretty portable, so it's easy to take them places - that's not an indication of poor parenting.

 

[Dana13]

Momma Tiger - you are absolutely right. Everything he has done doesn't constitute him being a bad father. I think he has poor judgement on some things. But through all this, my son wasn't harmed in anyway, maybe off from his normal schedule, but not harmed. I don't think he would put our son in danger, so I should just stop worrying and let him do what he wants.

If a time should arise where he does put him in harms way, then I will deal with it then, right?

Thanks again. Sometimes you just need an outsiders opinion to really see the core of things.

D-

 

[stealth2]

I think that you have a good plan. Since your son is having overnights, I wouldn't stop them - it really IS a good thing for him and Dad to have that time bonding, and it takes nothing away from your relationship with your boy. Keep an eye/ear on things.

Schedules are good for little ones. But they don't need to be so rigid as to not allow some time off from them. Y'all are doing fine.

 

[Dana13]

Momma Tiger - Will they bond even though he isn't with him one-on-one? I know this isn't my concern, but I really want my son to have that special bond with my husband. My husband believes he will be a bad father (that stems from his past). I keep telling him he will be a great father, but he needs to makes sure he spends quality time with our son. Time for our son to get to know that he is his daddy because of the little time he gets to spend with him. If he is by himself, he gets overwhelmed with our son, can't deal with it and will drop him off with me or his sister. We talked about this and I explained that the little time he spends with our son, he needs to try and understand what our son needs rather than just giving up. I offered to help with that, but he refused. So, now, he takes him to his girlfriends house and has her kids play with him on the weekends he has him and says he wants our son to play with other kids. Which he has kids to play with at daycare. When I know the real reason is he is afraid to be with him alone. I don't care if he brings him to her house, but I told him to at least spend one of those days with him one-on-one. He will get to know him and eventually will get less frustrated and will understand what our son wants and needs when he is fussy. Does that makes sense? He hasn't done this. Again, this doesn't effect my relationship with my son, but I still do care about my husband and I want him and my son to be really close.

D-

 

[stealth2]

You need to let go of trying to help him with the relationship. Let him find his own way with it.

 

[Dana13]

Thanks for listening. I will let it go and let whatever happens happen.

Thanks again.

 

[OnlyOneVoice]

If he is by himself, he gets overwhelmed with our son, can't deal with it and will drop him off with me or his sister

Dana:

Mommatiger has her position and I have mine. We don't agree.

The sentence you posted "quoted above" indicated to me a situation that could potentially lead to abuse.

Any time a parent feels overwhelmed to the point of dropping the baby off to another family member is having difficulties.

I would at least tell him if you can't cope, bring him home. Don't leave him at grandma's or your sisters. Let him know that you understand how stressful caring for a baby is but you want the baby with one or the other of you.

Momma I'm sorry I don't agree with you on this one.

 

[stealth2]

That's fine OOV. I personally think the problem is less that he feels incompetent, and more that he feels he can't live up to Mom's expectations. So he lets someone else deal with babe. Men are just as capable as women are - they simply do things differently. Maybe if he wasn't told so much stuff, he'd have a chance to do it his way, and build his own relationship with his child.

 

[OnlyOneVoice]

Momma:

I agree with you. In most people it's not really incompetence but a lack of self confidence.

 

[stealth2]

Which was my point with letting him find his own way - when he does, he'll reach a level of confidence with caring for the babe.

(edit) Mom could go a long way to helping actually, in telling Dad that the baby looks so happy when she picks him up and how pleased she is that they had a good visit. "Thanks for making sure he was in a clean/dry diaper before I picked him up - it makes it som much easier if I don't need to stop on the way home." "I could see a little smile when you were holding him - I'm so glad that he's so comfortable with you." etc.

 

[Dana13]

MommaTiger -
I do try and make him feel more confident with the baby. It's kinda hard when he is always smiling. He is such a good baby.

Things seem like they are getting a little better now. Because rather than being alone with him, he is always around people (girlfriend/kids), so I guess that's a good thing and will help him, because then someone else can take him and try and calm him down when my husband gets frustrated. I'm sure it will all work out in the end.

 

[stealth2]

Even if baby is always smiling - use that to praise Dad LOL And it will all work out. Remember - many (most?) guys haven't had a lot of experience with little ones.

 

[haiku]

Hello Dana,

I am from Ma.

my husband divorced when his youngest was 6 months old.
he had NO real experience with babies, his ex never let him near the kids during marriage.

I have to say, unless she can prove major detriment in court, what your lawyer told you, is not really true in all cases. There are NO infant visitation guidelines for Ma. the basic ma. guideline is "reasonable between the parties"

If though, you are pushing for no overnights, you may find yourself back in court, if you start denying him visits based on that belief.9get slapped with denial of visitation to many times your custody can end up in jeopardy) so it may be wise to go into court NOW offering him overnight visitation to begin with, that way you both may be able to work out something that is good for all 3 of you.

my husband and his ex, immediately started out with reasonable visitation, and yes, the baby had overnights. The massachusetts courts WANT overnights to give BOTH parents important bonding time.

It was very tough for him at first (think 3 men and a baby...) and there were times when he had to call his ex or his mom for help, and even his own childless(!) brother to help with bath time. It was a real trial by fire. I am sure there were many times "rules" were broken, and the baby didn't go to bed on time or stayed out late or ate to much "junk" but this baby grew up and is now a happy healthy 7 year old, and I think has the closest bond of his kids with his ex, due to his "trial by fire"

having met a few divorced dads since, I can say, a man looking for help from others is not really an automatic "abuse flag" its just someone who may just need help.

one thing you have to get used to is the fact that divorce just makes things slightly unorthodox, when it comes to raising a child. it sounds crazy but, in a way it will end up being easier because your child is so young, it likely won't be as hard for him to get used to 2 houses and 2 sets of rules.

One thing I found helpful was the court ordered parenting class,(in Ma. it is mandatory-or at least was within the past few years) if you go into it with an open mind, you may find it will help alleviate some of your fears.

best wishes for a happy outcome for your child.

 

[kidoday]

Haiku your story made me laugh. 3 men and a baby.

It also reminded me that not all men can be immediate fathers, and not all women are accepting of the fathers to be fathers.

I have a close co-worker who just at the beginning of this month honestly thought about putting their son into daycare so Dad wouldn't have to watch him. Not because Dad was on vacation and had plans, but because she was worried that Dad would screw up sons schedule. She said, "I have a certain way of doing things and he won't follow them, and I can just imagine when he (my husband) gets off vacation baby will be all messed up and I will have to go through hell getting him back on track.

Well I understand a little bit of what she was saying. She is the primary caretaker of son, but helllo???? he is the babies father. My advice?? Let dad take him for the beginning of the vacation, put baby in daycare for one day letting dad have a day off and since you are on vacation the rest of the week, nothing will be out of hand. Plus I reminded her that even as they get older it really doesn't change. Everyone has different parenting styles and that is a part of life. I used the example that when my girls go to dads house they rough house, throwing punches at dad and so. Well I don't put up with that type of behaviour in my house and refuse to be punched. I had too much of that growing up.

Long story short. Let a parent be a parent, as long as your child is not in danger.