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Please Help! I want custody of girls who live in another state!

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Mom234

Junior Member
My husband and I are in the middle of a divorce (he is submitting papers himself to make it cheaper). We have 2 girls, 5 and 7. They live with him in Hawaii and I live in NY (with my boyfriend of about 2 yrs... and planning to get married in the future). They have been with me for their summers this year and last summer. I want them to live with me, but he doesn't want them to live out of state because they are in a very good private school. He has said that if they were in public school, they would most likely be with me.
He is living with his fiancee (of a little over a year), and they have a baby, 2months old, along with her 3 boys.

His thought is that since I left them willingly, he should be the one to keep the children... I wanted to take them with me, but he threatened that he would call the police if I took them out of state. We didn't have a legal say as to who gets to have the children... we still don't, it was something we agreed to; I would have the children during the summer (and some holidays if I could afford the time off and plane tickets) and he would have them the rest of the year. I wasn't able to pay child support for about a year, but when I got a full time job, I sent money to him for them.

Their dad and I have a pretty decent relationship, but because I want them to live with me, I think it may all change. The only way I see to get my children is for me to hire an attorney to fight for custody. I thought about waiting until they're older to make their own decision, but since courts only take into consideration the wishes of the children, I'm afraid I may never get them to live with me because their dad really wants them to graduate from this school.

I also have some papers I have to submit to get our divorce final, but now I'm thinking of holding on to them and using that as leverage for me for custody. I'm not sure if this would be a good thing for me to do since this would probably dissolve our good relationship.

He doesn't have a job (he will be the stay at home dad with his new baby) and I have a full time and a part time job. Would the courts see me as a better choice for my children, or would they let them stay with their dad? The girls have my parents and his family mostly living in parts of Hawaii, but when my girls are with me, my boyfriend's family treats them like their own.

Do you all think I should pursue this custody battle? I don't have money to hire an expensive lawyer. I guess I'd like to know what my chances would be in pursuing this. Thanks!!
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
Honestly, your odds are not strong. The children have been in his care for two years now, apparently he is a fit parent, and you live about as far away from their current home state as its possible to get in the US.

There is no basis for a judge to remove them from a stable situation and allow them to live that far away.

The best advice that I can give you is to move back to Hawaii, and try for joint custody. Otherwise, you probably need to plan on having your childen just for the summers....and maybe some time at Christmas or Spring Break.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I have to agree. I don't see how it would be in the best interests of the children to move so far away.
 

rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
I have to third that.
You moved and left your children behind with their father and their extended family on both sides, some would call that abandonment. Did you leave to live with your boyfriend? Your curent boyfrined or his family is no substitution for their relationship with their father. They are in a good private school and well cared for. You have a good relationship with the father and weren't dogged about child support. If you wanted it differently, you should have petitioned the courts as a part of your divorce or hired an attorney before leaving your children behind. In so far has him being a stay at home dad, I take it his fiancee has the income to support her family, think about what that is like to be at home with an infant and 5 older children?
 

Mom234

Junior Member
reply

Yes, I did leave to live with my boyfriend. I didn't want to leave them behind, and didn't know what kind of options I had with no money. Their father threatened to call the police if I did take them out of state.

I've been thinking about moving back for a while, but it doesn't seem feasible to move back (financially). I would have a part time job there or if I find a full time job (I've been watching the job section of the paper over there), I know it wouldn't pay as much or have the flexibilty my current job offers, which means I wouldn't have enough money to provide for my children. My job here allows me the flexibility to be with them when they're here and also the financial help to them when they're with their father.

My children wanted to be with me and didn't want to go back to Hawaii. Do you all suppose that perhaps when they are a bit older I may have a chance then to bring them over to me?

Do you all think refusing to send the divorce papers would make things worse for me?
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
Mom234 said:
My children wanted to be with me and didn't want to go back to Hawaii. Do you all suppose that perhaps when they are a bit older I may have a chance then to bring them over to me?
Maybe. Maybe not. They could have a SAY in where they want but that won't be what makes the decision and the longer they are in Hawaii the harder it will be to get a judge to let them move that far or to change custody at all without reason.

Mom234 said:
Do you all think refusing to send the divorce papers would make things worse for me?
What are you talking about?
 

rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
To be frank, no matter what the children want at their ages, a judge will look at the whole picture, but bottom line, you left your children behind to be with your boyfriend, a boyfriend you had while married. If you really thought about them first, you would have stayed in HI, got a part time job, filed for child and spousal support instead of runnig off with your boyfriend. You had family in HI, but perhaps they didn't agree with what you were doing either so they were not an option when it came to support? Who will be on his side when you go to court? Perhaps when the children are older and you have established some stability things may be different.

I see no benefit to delay your divorce, you may want to have an attorney review it and any related orders for child support/visitation before signing.
 

Mom234

Junior Member
reply

We aren't divorced yet. I have to fill out some papers for the divorce and send it back to him. He's filing the papers himself to save money on the divorce... and he is in a big hurry since he's met his fiancee and had a baby. According to the divorce papers, we'll have joint custody of the girls with them staying with him during the school year and summers and other breaks with me.

I didn't think that waiting to seek custody would be good either, that's why I'm contemplating pursuing custody now.


thanks for all the input.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
rmet4nzkx said:
I see no benefit to delay your divorce, you may want to have an attorney review it and any related orders for child support/visitation before signing.

Duh, that explains it..LOL

to the OP.... you don't have to send the papers back however he can get what he wants by default, especially if he can prove you were served and failed to respond.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
Mom234 said:
We aren't divorced yet. I have to fill out some papers for the divorce and send it back to him. He's filing the papers himself to save money on the divorce... and he is in a big hurry since he's met his fiancee and had a baby. According to the divorce papers, we'll have joint custody of the girls with them staying with him during the school year and summers and other breaks with me.

I didn't think that waiting to seek custody would be good either, that's why I'm contemplating pursuing custody now.


thanks for all the input.

You can pursue it all you want but.... I'd almost lay down and die on the fact that you would lose and would be wasting your time. And as stated above if you don't respond all he has to do is file for a default judgment and will get everything he asks for. AND don't be surprised if you aren't responsible for ALL transportation to and from Hawaii for your visits. You better think long and hard about what is more important, having a relationship with your kids, or living so far away from them because transportation alone will cost you a fortune and to pay for flights 4-6 times a year will likely be pretty close to impossible if you are already speaking of financial strain. Think about having that same or LESS strain if you lived in HI. At least you WOULD see your children.
 

rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
Mom234 said:
We aren't divorced yet. I have to fill out some papers for the divorce and send it back to him. He's filing the papers himself to save money on the divorce... and he is in a big hurry since he's met his fiancee and had a baby. According to the divorce papers, we'll have joint custody of the girls with them staying with him during the school year and summers and other breaks with me.

I didn't think that waiting to seek custody would be good either, that's why I'm contemplating pursuing custody now.


thanks for all the input.
He had every right to file for sole custody and that the children not leave the state so your are fortunate to get what you are getting, that you can cooporate and if you fail to respond you are likely to get less.
 

Mom234

Junior Member
reply

I am the one paying for all airfare costs. He just stayed with us for a week and he paid his own ticket for that.

appreciate the help, but I will seek counsel for more input.
 

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