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Pregnant, seeking full custody, no child support

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Sarahwall

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington

I live in Washington state and am currently pregnant. The father was emotionally abusive to me throughout our relationship. The relationship ended less than a month after finding out I was pregnant. The father has stated he didn't want anything to do with the baby. I asked that he be involved and allow me to be the primary caregiver. He informed me he wanted nothing to do with my baby, but if I asked for child support he would sue me for custody. I am wondering what my options are? I have since decided I do not want him to be involved, I fear he would only cause emotional harm to my baby. I don't need support from him if it means he will try to take my baby away from me. Can I prevent him from being involved at all? I am worried he will try to get custody of my baby even if I do not seek child support.
 


stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Presuming you are not married, you don't have to have him involved. UNLESS you apply for state aid. Then the state will go after him for support. And be aware that he can decide to be involved (following proper channels) at any point during the child's minority. AND, should you meet someone, marry and want them to adopt the child? You will need to have his paternity established and gain his consent.

It's as easy as that.
 

Eekamouse

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington

I live in Washington state and am currently pregnant. The father was emotionally abusive to me throughout our relationship. The relationship ended less than a month after finding out I was pregnant. The father has stated he didn't want anything to do with the baby. I asked that he be involved and allow me to be the primary caregiver. He informed me he wanted nothing to do with my baby, but if I asked for child support he would sue me for custody. I am wondering what my options are? I have since decided I do not want him to be involved, I fear he would only cause emotional harm to my baby. I don't need support from him if it means he will try to take my baby away from me. Can I prevent him from being involved at all? I am worried he will try to get custody of my baby even if I do not seek child support.
You chose him to be the father of your child so if he wants to be in his child's life, you won't be able to stop him. The courts will allow him to have a relationship with his child whether you like it or not. The courts believe that a child deserves to know both of his/her parents.
 

commentator

Senior Member
However, unless there is something very wrong with you, your lifestyle or your personal habits, he can't come in on a whim and "take the child away from you" completely just because he wants to punish you, either. The court is working toward dual involvement and support from both parents as the ideal solution in any custody situation. If you want to leave him out totally, and you never apply for state aid of any kind, you can do that, and take a chance that he will at some point decide he wants to have a relationship of some type with his child. Perhaps he'll find a new girlfriend who will hear his side of this sad story before she meets the more negative side of his nature. She'll probably encourage him to exercise his parental rights and overcome his heartbreak (remember he's picking up a new woman!) at not being involved in his child's life. At this point, you can always go to court and get some custody arrangements worked out. But just because he threatens it does not mean he will get full custody later if he were to decide he wanted it.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
However, unless there is something very wrong with you, your lifestyle or your personal habits, he can't come in on a whim and "take the child away from you" completely just because he wants to punish you, either. The court is working toward dual involvement and support from both parents as the ideal solution in any custody situation. If you want to leave him out totally, and you never apply for state aid of any kind, you can do that, and take a chance that he will at some point decide he wants to have a relationship of some type with his child. Perhaps he'll find a new girlfriend who will hear his side of this sad story before she meets the more negative side of his nature. She'll probably encourage him to exercise his parental rights and overcome his heartbreak (remember he's picking up a new woman!) at not being involved in his child's life. At this point, you can always go to court and get some custody arrangements worked out. But just because he threatens it does not mean he will get full custody later if he were to decide he wanted it.
That's true.

But it doesn't mean he won't get custody, either ... certainly in this state. Believe me, "primary caregiver for X years" would more or less guarantee this Mom would get primary custody elsewhere, but here? Not so much. Not today. Not in this climate.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
That's true.

But it doesn't mean he won't get custody, either ... certainly in this state. Believe me, "primary caregiver for X years" would more or less guarantee this Mom would get primary custody elsewhere, but here? Not so much. Not today. Not in this climate.
So, "best interest of the child" has changed to "best interest of the parents" in WA?
 

commentator

Senior Member
This OP sounds very young and very inexperienced. Also sounds as though she is avoidant instead of realistic concerning the situation. I'm not convinced she can make it completely on her own without his financial support and/or government assistance. But though I understand how strongly the courts in some states are leaning toward not favoring the old standby "Mom always gets principal custody of kid" scenario, it seems a little extreme for her to let herself be so frightened by the "he will come back someday and take my child away from me" threat. If he's well off enough that she feels he will be able to obtain a superior attorney and get it done no matter what, then he needs to be contributing to the child's support from the beginning.
 

Sarahwall

Junior Member
This OP sounds very young and very inexperienced. Also sounds as though she is avoidant instead of realistic concerning the situation. I'm not convinced she can make it completely on her own without his financial support and/or government assistance. But though I understand how strongly the courts in some states are leaning toward not favoring the old standby "Mom always gets principal custody of kid" scenario, it seems a little extreme for her to let herself be so frightened by the "he will come back someday and take my child away from me" threat. If he's well off enough that she feels he will be able to obtain a superior attorney and get it done no matter what, then he needs to be contributing to the child's support from the beginning.
I am 24 so yes, young. This is my first child. So no, in motherhood, I do not have experience. I tried to be very realistic. I asked he be involved. I asked that he be a part of my sons life, and that he and I support the baby together. He chose to make threats against me. He is very emotionally abusive, and in that aspect, I am VERY experienced. I have been working since the age of 15. I have a very stable and very good job. I am fully capable of taking care of my child without the help of a misogynistic narcissist or the government. I have never required government assistance as I am fully capable of providing for myself. That being so, why would I wish to subject my child to the kind of emotional scaring that I was subjected to as a child? I know the effects of having a father like my child would have. I am very aware that the abuse I endured as a child plays a part in why I chose the man I did as my partner. When I became aware of the man he is, I left, and discovered I was pregnant. I took my birth control religiously. 8 am every day. Not a single missed day. Pregnancy was not my intention. However, it happened anyway. I intend to protect my child. Please before making an assumption, know what you are talking about, and who you are talking about.
 

Sarahwall

Junior Member
You chose him to be the father of your child so if he wants to be in his child's life, you won't be able to stop him. The courts will allow him to have a relationship with his child whether you like it or not. The courts believe that a child deserves to know both of his/her parents.
I did not chose this man to be the father of my child. I took my birth control same time every day with not a single missed day. I left this man because he is emotionally abusive. Having grown up with the same kind of man as a father, I think most would see why I would want to keep him at a distance, especially considering that I asked he be involved, and he chose to make threats of taking my child away from me if I did not allow a 50/50 arrangement immediately following birth. Not realistic for a newborn that will be breastfed.
 

Sarahwall

Junior Member
Presuming you are not married, you don't have to have him involved. UNLESS you apply for state aid. Then the state will go after him for support. And be aware that he can decide to be involved (following proper channels) at any point during the child's minority. AND, should you meet someone, marry and want them to adopt the child? You will need to have his paternity established and gain his consent.

It's as easy as that.
Thank you for replying with information that did not include any assumptions about my character or inability to care for my child. I appreciate that very much.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
I did not chose this man to be the father of my child. I took my birth control same time every day with not a single missed day. I left this man because he is emotionally abusive. Having grown up with the same kind of man as a father, I think most would see why I would want to keep him at a distance, especially considering that I asked he be involved, and he chose to make threats of taking my child away from me if I did not allow a 50/50 arrangement immediately following birth. Not realistic for a newborn that will be breastfed.
By choosing to keep the child, you have chosen to make him the father of your mutual child. Simple. And he will be given whatever parental rights he requests from the court, whether you like it or not.
 

Sarahwall

Junior Member
By choosing to keep the child, you have chosen to make him the father of your mutual child. Simple. And he will be given whatever parental rights he requests from the court, whether you like it or not.
Having sex with someone, and that resulting in a pregnancy does not qualify a misogynistic narcissist as a good parent, nor does is equate to being a healthy needed influence in a child's life. I asked for advice on how to protect my child. Not to have someone try and make me feel dumb, or bad about my decision. I am not the kind of person who would keep a child from it's parent, if I did not believe that it was in the best interest. Simple.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Having sex with someone, and that resulting in a pregnancy does not qualify a misogynistic narcissist as a good parent, nor does is equate to being a healthy needed influence in a child's life.

Well ... it kind of does, actually. Or rather, you're a big girl and you obviously know that sex = risk of baby. If you do end up pregnant, you have the absolute right to choose whether or not you would like to continue the pregnancy. If you choose to remain pregnant, then the guy you essentially "chose" has the right to be involved in his child's life (obvious exceptions notwithstanding)

I asked for advice on how to protect my child. Not to have someone try and make me feel dumb, or bad about my decision. I am not the kind of person who would keep a child from it's parent, if I did not believe that it was in the best interest. Simple.
 

TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
Having sex with someone, and that resulting in a pregnancy does not qualify a misogynistic narcissist as a good parent, nor does is equate to being a healthy needed influence in a child's life. I asked for advice on how to protect my child. Not to have someone try and make me feel dumb, or bad about my decision. I am not the kind of person who would keep a child from it's parent, if I did not believe that it was in the best interest. Simple.
The court won't see it that way. Sex causes babies. The only way to not have children is to not have sex. Since you've chosen to have sex with this man (no matter if you were on the Pill or not) and got pregnant and decided to carry the pregnancy to term, then he must be good enough to be Dad. :cool:
BTDTGTTS.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
So, "best interest of the child" has changed to "best interest of the parents" in WA?

That's an extremely odd deduction you made there (!).

Best interest is actually still "best interest". The difference is that some courts are actually starting to believe that just because Mom is Mommy right from the start, this doesn't necessarily mean that her remaining the primary caregiver is actually in the child's best interest. The court doesn't need to find Mom unfit to make Dad the CP.

WA isn't the first state to come to this (apparently shocking?) realization and no doubt it won't be the last.
 
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