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Primary custody and school

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What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

My state is nc. I'm sorry, I know that a new thread shouldn't be started, but the previous one was for some reason closed. I don't know what else to do other than to start a new one.

I'm in the process of getting back with my lawyer in reference to the original situation. My ex seems to feel that I need his permission to basically do anything with our daughter.

Now school has started. I found out today that he told the teacher and principal that I have to have his permission to change anything for our daughter. I wrote a note saying that our daughter, it's my week btw, will go to a teacher friend after school. She was questioned as to whether or not his permission was obtained. He is belittling me now to the teachers. I've contacted my previous lawyer, but the call hasn't been returned. I'm trying to build up my funds to be able to hire her again. Until then, any advice on how to explain to the school that I don't need his permission for this?

Thank you.
 


mom6399

Member
Very simple.

Go to the school with a copy of your custody orders in hand and discuss with the principal, guidance counselor and teacher. The school will keep the orders on file in case of any issues. You can make it easier on teacher (or after school care) by providing a spreadsheet or calendar with who's week it is for the entire school year so there will be no question as to who kiddo goes home with, permission slips come from and so on.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
Very simple.

Go to the school with a copy of your custody orders in hand and discuss with the principal, guidance counselor and teacher. The school will keep the orders on file in case of any issues. You can make it easier on teacher (or after school care) by providing a spreadsheet or calendar with who's week it is for the entire school year so there will be no question as to who kiddo goes home with, permission slips come from and so on.
Talk with the school secretary, as well, or whatever they call the person who "guards" the main door and the office behind.

The school secretary, as with many types of secretaries, often believes s/he IS The Person In Charge. :cool:

Remember: you are the child's parent. You are not asking permission. You are calmly explaining a situation, like a grownup who is a parent of a child.
 
Thank you for your responses.

Probably a silly question, but would you address this with the ex at all? I guess it is pointless, but my god, some thing has got to give. I'm afraid when this goes to court again, he and stepmom will be good actors like the first time.
 

mommyanme

Member
Thank you for your responses.

Probably a silly question, but would you address this with the ex at all? I guess it is pointless, but my god, some thing has got to give. I'm afraid when this goes to court again, he and stepmom will be good actors like the first time.
That's why you document, make all communication through email and you avoid some of the acting and the "he said/she said". Right now you definitely need to return to court for Clarification of your order so that way they understand you are equal to Dad.
 
I have a new question. I received another email from our daughter's father. It seems he is getting more aggressive and I really don't know why.

Here is an email:
 
Sorry I hit the wrong button. This was after telling him what was approved wording here about the order not requiring his permission


I believe it is you who are mistaken in your understanding of visitation. You do not have the same rights for day-to-day decisions and while you do have say in what goes on while daughter is in your care - to an extent, you need to realize that I need to be informed in what and where Daughter is doing. If she is spending the night or leaving the state I am to be aware of it. Visitation is simply the time the parent who does not have "Physical and Legal custody" spends with the child. It does not give you the vast overreaching decision making power you claim to have. I do not know where you are getting your information but it is simply not accurate. I have discussed this in detail with my attorney and he agrees.

As I started by saying, I in no way want to be confrontational about any of this but I think it is time that you abide and respect the ruling made well over a year ago. My concern is for Daughter's care and best interest and the excuse that you " are Daughter's mother" is simply not good enough. Visitation does not
allow you to blanket parent "as you see fit". Legal custody allows for me to make the major decisions in her life and that include but is not limited to school, healthcare, religious upbringing, and discipline. I feel that if I come to you with a concern about who and where she spends the night, how homework is to be done or if she should or shouldn't have a cell phone then you should respect that and realize it comes from a place of care and concern. Rather than simply refuting the concern because you are her mother, lets try the Co-parenting attitude you strive for.

I have recently come to find out that due to your new work schedule you have been unable to pick Daughter up from school and incidentally she has been left at school with Your friend. I do not feel this is in Daughter's best interest and would like to see an alternative that provides for Daughter to have stable and consistent after school routine. Daughter has expressed concern that she doesn't know where she is going from one day to the next. This is causing her anxiety that is completely avoidable if she had a stable routine while in your care.

Finally, as I have mentioned before, there are to be no disparaging remarks made to or around Daughter about the other parent. Daughter came home today and mentioned that you told her you were "mad at" me. While she did not go in to further detail I find the fact that you are open enough to tell her and express that you are mad (at me) to be disparaging and this is violation of the agreement. Let this serve as the final warning, I am trying to work with you and come to understanding of what is expected and time and time again you fight me every step of the way. I ask one last and final time that moving forward you abide by the order; respect it, myself and Stepmom and make decisions with Daughter's best interest in mind rather than what is easiest and best for you in the moment. If you cannot than I am prepared to file a Motion in the cause to address these issues.

So one, our daughter does not show signs of anxiety about after school care. It was only five days she went with a friend who is actually a teacher at her school. She knew the entire week she was going with her. Two, it was the first week of school and she was with me, how could he see signs of anxiety about it? I never told her I was mad and I never even mention stepmom to not show respect. If anything, the disparaging part comes from them because they are always telling her that they have custody and I don't get any decisions. They are driving a wedge between our daughter and me.

What should I do? It'll be two years in January since the first order. Everything was calm until our daughter started telling me how she felt about things. I sent my ex a few texts asking to have a sit down so our daughter could express her feelings. Since then, stepmom has become an angel and they seem to be attacking me.
 

mommyanme

Member
Sorry I hit the wrong button. This was after telling him what was approved wording here about the order not requiring his permission


I believe it is you who are mistaken in your understanding of visitation. You do not have the same rights for day-to-day decisions and while you do have say in what goes on while daughter is in your care - to an extent, you need to realize that I need to be informed in what and where Daughter is doing. If she is spending the night or leaving the state I am to be aware of it. Visitation is simply the time the parent who does not have "Physical and Legal custody" spends with the child. It does not give you the vast overreaching decision making power you claim to have. I do not know where you are getting your information but it is simply not accurate. I have discussed this in detail with my attorney and he agrees.

As I started by saying, I in no way want to be confrontational about any of this but I think it is time that you abide and respect the ruling made well over a year ago. My concern is for Daughter's care and best interest and the excuse that you " are Daughter's mother" is simply not good enough. Visitation does not
allow you to blanket parent "as you see fit". Legal custody allows for me to make the major decisions in her life and that include but is not limited to school, healthcare, religious upbringing, and discipline. I feel that if I come to you with a concern about who and where she spends the night, how homework is to be done or if she should or shouldn't have a cell phone then you should respect that and realize it comes from a place of care and concern. Rather than simply refuting the concern because you are her mother, lets try the Co-parenting attitude you strive for.

I have recently come to find out that due to your new work schedule you have been unable to pick Daughter up from school and incidentally she has been left at school with Your friend. I do not feel this is in Daughter's best interest and would like to see an alternative that provides for Daughter to have stable and consistent after school routine. Daughter has expressed concern that she doesn't know where she is going from one day to the next. This is causing her anxiety that is completely avoidable if she had a stable routine while in your care.

Finally, as I have mentioned before, there are to be no disparaging remarks made to or around Daughter about the other parent. Daughter came home today and mentioned that you told her you were "mad at" me. While she did not go in to further detail I find the fact that you are open enough to tell her and express that you are mad (at me) to be disparaging and this is violation of the agreement. Let this serve as the final warning, I am trying to work with you and come to understanding of what is expected and time and time again you fight me every step of the way. I ask one last and final time that moving forward you abide by the order; respect it, myself and Stepmom and make decisions with Daughter's best interest in mind rather than what is easiest and best for you in the moment. If you cannot than I am prepared to file a Motion in the cause to address these issues.

So one, our daughter does not show signs of anxiety about after school care. It was only five days she went with a friend who is actually a teacher at her school. She knew the entire week she was going with her. Two, it was the first week of school and she was with me, how could he see signs of anxiety about it? I never told her I was mad and I never even mention stepmom to not show respect. If anything, the disparaging part comes from them because they are always telling her that they have custody and I don't get any decisions. They are driving a wedge between our daughter and me.

What should I do? It'll be two years in January since the first order. Everything was calm until our daughter started telling me how she felt about things. I sent my ex a few texts asking to have a sit down so our daughter could express her feelings. Since then, stepmom has become an angel and they seem to be attacking me.


Ignore him! He wants a fight and is attempting to flex his muscles and get you defending yourself. Or call his bluff and set those boundaries now that he's provided you the perfect opportunity.


Response from you: "If you feel you need to file a motion then I agree that you should to clarify our order." END SENTENCE and COMMUNICATION and do it only responding to the email you posted....nothing more! Stop the text messaging and begging, stop being afraid!
 

mommyanme

Member
Something else you need to realize, what dad is saying is considered hearsay. Is he willing to drag a child into a court room to testify against her mother? Maybe, but judges here will NOT allow it and when they have, the child has been a teenager and was taken into judges chambers and when I say teen I mean 15,16 years old. ;)

Calm down on his game using her as information, just DON't DO IT yourself. If he says she said something, DON'T ask her about it, DON'T mention it, let it slide of your back. It's not that hard if you love your child more than you hate them and their antics (I think that's stealth or OhioGal's line) but it worked for me to remember it and post it on my fridge.
 
Last edited:
I appreciate very much your help and information. Thank you.

I don't beg him anything. I text him, and this was before the bulk of this drama, simply with the hopes of everybody being on the same page because I know that our daughter tells me one thing and him another.
I don't know what to say that can express to the judge how difficult he and our daughter's stepmom are making our daughter's life complicated. If the judge doesn't listen to hearsay, then he cannot possibly understand the effects of it. Everything I do, regardless if it's positive, they turn it to be negative to our daughter. Something she loved doing, after she comes back to me the next week, she no longer likes because of something they've said.


If they could just let things be, how easy things would go.
 

TinkerBelleLuvr

Senior Member
Do you have joint legal custody or does dad sole legal custody?

Do you have 50/50 physical custody?

Make a calendar for child that has days marked in blue or pink. Very clear and visual.
 
Apparently, he thinks it means that everything is controlled by him and stepmom.

What exactly happens when you file for a clarification? Do both parties present their case again? Or? For custody to change, doesn't there need to be a significant change in circumstances for our daughter?

Nothing has changed other than he's been more aggressively telling me to obtain his permission for things. Ridiculous things such as helping our daughter do and take care of certain female issues. It's crazy because he thinks that either this should be taken care of by him, which is weird, or by stepmom who also has no business dealing with these private issues.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Nothing has changed other than he's been more aggressively telling me to obtain his permission for things. Ridiculous things such as helping our daughter do and take care of certain female issues. It's crazy because he thinks that either this should be taken care of by him, which is weird, or by stepmom who also has no business dealing with these private issues.
Well, who do you think should handle it during the week she is with Dad/stepMom?
 

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