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Problems with Bio Mom

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But it is never good to see who can piss who off the most. That just creates avoidable turmoil in an already delicate situation. Fade Away. You will be a lot happier, and more peaceful in the long run. Life has too many stressors as it is, let mom and dad deal with this little stressing situaiton.

I know it would be less stressful for me and them, therefor I must do this and stand back, also on another note I need to re-evaluate the situation between my husband and I . It's clear some secrets were involved
 
Well, frankly, she didn't need to contact him again after telling him that she was pregnant. Clearly she also told him that he was the father. If they were no longer dating, no further contact was necessary until the baby was carried to term and delivered successfully.

But, you know, the phone lines work both ways. Since you mentioned "beliefs" and "morals", remember that works both ways, too. If he knew he possibly impregnated this woman, he should have been following up with her, too.

It's more likely that your husband just chose to look the other way and pretend the pregnancy did not exist.

As I'm finding out that this must be very true
 
NOT an expert by far, just some advice.....

:) It takes a bigger woman to stand up for what is right, rather than argue a point just for the sake of not agreeing to what in an essence they have no control over anyway....

Let me explain. In the beginning.....(haha)..... Hubby and mom were fighting all the time. It was really hard to not put my 2 cents in. Hubby would come home and say she did this or she said that or she said I can't have them this day. etc**************. If I could tell you the amount of times I have stood in my home that we shared (me and hubby) and stood up for mom b/c dad (MY hubby) was acting like a real A**. For instance. It was the second Christmas the were divorced (years ago), but MY first Christmas with Dad and kids. He was all upset b/c mom wanted the kids to go to her bf's (now her hubby's) family for Christmas eve and then Dad could have them overnight Christmas eve for Christmas morning. Dad was throwing a fit b/c he wanted the kids to go to my family's house for "our" first year together. Now what moron would actually agree to giving up Christmas eve and Christmas morning with their children. I wouldn't and neither would mom. So I told him, you are being an A** you cannot have it your way all the time. He was giving her a hard time on the phone and she herd me say that to him. All of a sudden SHE wanted to talk to me. MAN I was scared**************. She actually thanked me for taking up for her and just showing him the error of his ways.

Long story short, be an advocate. Be the bigger person. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right, even if it hurst like HE** to admit that it might not be you or your husband.

Thank you all for letting me be apart of this wonderful evening. I will be going to bed now. I hope I am welcomed back soon.
 
:) It takes a bigger woman to stand up for what is right, rather than argue a point just for the sake of not agreeing to what in an essence they have no control over anyway....

Let me explain. In the beginning.....(haha)..... Hubby and mom were fighting all the time. It was really hard to not put my 2 cents in. Hubby would come home and say she did this or she said that or she said I can't have them this day. etc**************. If I could tell you the amount of times I have stood in my home that we shared (me and hubby) and stood up for mom b/c dad (MY hubby) was acting like a real A**. For instance. It was the second Christmas the were divorced (years ago), but MY first Christmas with Dad and kids. He was all upset b/c mom wanted the kids to go to her bf's (now her hubby's) family for Christmas eve and then Dad could have them overnight Christmas eve for Christmas morning. Dad was throwing a fit b/c he wanted the kids to go to my family's house for "our" first year together. Now what moron would actually agree to giving up Christmas eve and Christmas morning with their children. I wouldn't and neither would mom. So I told him, you are being an A** you cannot have it your way all the time. He was giving her a hard time on the phone and she herd me say that to him. All of a sudden SHE wanted to talk to me. MAN I was scared**************. She actually thanked me for taking up for her and just showing him the error of his ways.

Long story short, be an advocate. Be the bigger person. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right, even if it hurst like HE** to admit that it might not be you or your husband.

Thank you all for letting me be apart of this wonderful evening. I will be going to bed now. I hope I am welcomed back soon.

Thanks momandsmom! I see the picture...thanks
 
Thanks everyone for all your responses, although very painful to hear, it was nothing but true information that i needed to know and understand. good night:)
 

happybug

Member
As much as it hurt, you are right. My husband obviously had a relationship with the mom prior to marrying me. But as his wife, it appeared she come out of nowhere because my husband did not hear from her after she told him she was pregnant until she gave birth
Sorry but your DH is a weenie. He CHOSE to leave a pregnant girlfriend. He knew the situation, why would it be HER responsibility to keep him updated? I'm pretty sure she had other priorities. He KNEW the situation! If he wanted to any information, he could have contacted her. Then comes you. He marries a woman he hasn't known long and CHOOSES to not mention he has a child on the way. It may have been a surprise to you but he KNEW he was expecting a child when he married you. You can't blame his EX because HE was dishonest with you.

I think you have a reason for your feelings of insecurity. Your husband lied by omission about a major issue. I wouldn't trust him either. However, micromanaging the relationship between he, his child and his child's mother will only cause problems. Both in your marriage and in his relationship with his child. VERY non-legal advice but you and your husband need to find a therapist. He is acting like a child and at this point you OR the child's Mother have no reason to trust him. You, because he married you knowing he was becoming a father and didn't mention it. ( Usually, by the time a couple marries, they know just about everything about each other. This was really a flat out lie on your husband's part. ) He also acted like a heel towards the child's Mother. He knew she was pregnant and DECIDED to ignore it. " Bio-Mom " is NOT your problem here. Your husband is the problem here. You may not be Mom to his child but you are Mom to him. Good thing for him, not many " MEN " marry women willing to pay their C/S so they can be students. In fact, I knew few people in college who didn't have a job. Your husband has the ABILITY to work while going to school. He has made a choice not to. Why would he? As long as you take responsibility for HIS obligations. I can't even go any further. I need to get to bed. I think you both need therapy. Him, to help him grow up and be a proper husband and father. You, to discover why you support his childish behavior. Once you both have been in individual therapy for awhile, you could start couples therapy to figure out how or if you can make this work.
 
Sorry but your DH is a weenie. He CHOSE to leave a pregnant girlfriend. He knew the situation, why would it be HER responsibility to keep him updated? I'm pretty sure she had other priorities. He KNEW the situation! If he wanted to any information, he could have contacted her. Then comes you. He marries a woman he hasn't known long and CHOOSES to not mention he has a child on the way. It may have been a surprise to you but he KNEW he was expecting a child when he married you. You can't blame his EX because HE was dishonest with you.

I think you have a reason for your feelings of insecurity. Your husband lied by omission about a major issue. I wouldn't trust him either. However, micromanaging the relationship between he, his child and his child's mother will only cause problems. Both in your marriage and in his relationship with his child. VERY non-legal advice but you and your husband need to find a therapist. He is acting like a child and at this point you OR the child's Mother have no reason to trust him. You, because he married you knowing he was becoming a father and didn't mention it. ( Usually, by the time a couple marries, they know just about everything about each other. This was really a flat out lie on your husband's part. ) He also acted like a heel towards the child's Mother. He knew she was pregnant and DECIDED to ignore it. " Bio-Mom " is NOT your problem here. Your husband is the problem here. You may not be Mom to his child but you are Mom to him. Good thing for him, not many " MEN " marry women willing to pay their C/S so they can be students. In fact, I knew few people in college who didn't have a job. Your husband has the ABILITY to work while going to school. He has made a choice not to. Why would he? As long as you take responsibility for HIS obligations. I can't even go any further. I need to get to bed. I think you both need therapy. Him, to help him grow up and be a proper husband and father. You, to discover why you support his childish behavior. Once you both have been in individual therapy for awhile, you could start couples therapy to figure out how or if you can make this work.
As I'm slowly digesting this information, I realize that my husband and I need help to work out this issue. I'm quite sure he's learning from his mistakes by confronting the mother each and everytime she tells him what a jacka** his been to her. Normally he would ignore her when she yells but I think as of lately he's been facing the music with her feelings and mine.
 

TinkerBelleLuvr

Senior Member
As I'm slowly digesting this information, I realize that my husband and I need help to work out this issue. I'm quite sure he's learning from his mistakes by confronting the mother each and everytime she tells him what a jacka** his been to her. Normally he would ignore her when she yells but I think as of lately he's been facing the music with her feelings and mine.
It's called a paradigm shift: when how you've viewed things aren't really the way they have been in your mind.

I said it probably 3-4 pages ago about seeing a therapist. You and your husband are going to need it if you are going to succeed. It's can be cheaper to fix the current marriage than to try to go thru a divorce.

I still have a problem with what you had to say about it being better for a child to be in a 'two person home (the father and stepmom) than with a single mother. What is BEST for the child is for the parents to be adults regardless of whether they are married or not; to put the child's best interest ahead of their own interest.

Your husband has to realize that he will have to deal with the mother of his child for the rest of his life. The sooner he can put his arms around that, the better for everyone. I might suggest a counselor for your husband and the mother of his child so that they can learn to communicate about the child in a better fashion. THAT majorly reduces legal fees. :D
 
Thank you Ginny J and I apologize fror that comment about the "Two parent". It appears our household meaning my husband and I aren't that great of a stable home at this point.
 
I don't know if mom would be receptive to this at this point, but you might consider extending your hand in friendship to the mom in the best interest of the child. Apologize for your interference in their parenting relationship and confess your insecurities as the new wife thrown into this mess but that you have now learned YOUR place.

I fought a year long battle with my daughter's father just in trying to establish paternity and support. At the end of the day, it was the STEPMOTHER that made it possible for us to come to an amicable settlement. She called me and invited me for coffee for a one-on-one discussion. Frankly, I found her to be delightful. By easing the tension of the situation, her husband was able to let down his defenses and take responsibility as the father of our child.
 
I don't know if mom would be receptive to this at this point, but you might consider extending your hand in friendship to the mom in the best interest of the child. Apologize for your interference in their parenting relationship and confess your insecurities as the new wife thrown into this mess but that you have now learned YOUR place.

I fought a year long battle with my daughter's father just in trying to establish paternity and support. At the end of the day, it was the STEPMOTHER that made it possible for us to come to an amicable settlement. She called me and invited me for coffee for a one-on-one discussion. Frankly, I found her to be delightful. By easing the tension of the situation, her husband was able to let down his defenses and take responsibility as the father of our child.
Accountable, how do I do this?

I set a bad tone for the mother, I showed up looking for her on the day she delivered their baby!! All because my husband wouldnt tell me what was going on that day, he was so nervous and out of control that day. Then after the mother returned home, I still forced myself to be present at her home when my husband would pick up and drop off their child.

How can I mend this, she's extremely angry with BOTH of us. Me for intruding and my husband for allowing it cold heardedly.
 
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