Put up or shut up?

[computerguy]

My fiancee has an ex-husband that pays his child support on a mostly-regular basis. That's the good part. Now for the bad part: Since their divorce, my fiancee's income has more than doubled from $26,000/year to appx. $54,000. He is not aware of the amount of increase, but knows that it has gone up. Two times over the last year, he has decided he wanted a voluntary reduction of support. She has agreed with it, mainly to keep from going back to court and having the support payment decreased even more. Per the divorce decree, he is also to pay half of all additional expenses, such as medical care, school costs, camps/programs, etc. She has not asked him to pay for any of that as well. He has not seen his son in over a year and a half and rarely sees his two daughters. My question is this: I know he will continue to play the payment reduction game. Is it worth calling his bluff and refuse to voluntarily reduce? Should we give him a bill for the additional expenses (easily a few thousand dollars) and take him to court when he refuses to pay it? Or, should we just be happy he is paying something and continue to play his game? Obviously I can't change someone's cold heart that wants nothing to do with their children (and I'm happy to try to make up for it with my love and support), but it just burns me up that he doesn't see his children and wants pay less than he has been ordered to pay. Additional info: His annual salary is somewhere between $35-40,000/year and we live in Indiana.

Thank you in advance for any advice you might have.

 

[qtpie]

You need to plug in your numbers in the Child Support Calculator at http://www.indygov.org/cgi-bin/courts/support.cgi

Since your fiancee has had an increase in income, it may be wiser for you to just go along with him. You could end up getting quite a bit less in the long run and if he took your fiancee back to Court for a Modification, you MAY have to assist in paying for HIS attorney fees and Court costs.

 

[ddrk1]

Why don't you do the right thing?

If she is making twice as much than she did before why does she still need the same amount of money? It's obvious the children are being taken care of. You said he pays regularly right? Why be greedy? He makes less money than her, and pays child support for three kids? I'm sure he doesn't even see half of his pay check. You say he doesn't make an effort to see his kids, well why do you think that is? How would you feel if you were in his shoes? She is probably taking more than half of his pay check!! So she has her money, the father's money and your money. Hmmmm.....let me see.....it does't take a genius to figure this one out. By the way what kind of a relationship does he have with the mother? That could be part of the reason he doesn't want to see his kids. Why don't you two let him go on with his life? He's paying for his kids and if he doesn't want to see him that is his choice. He will pay the price when his kids are older but you and her are not the people to judge him or make him pay more cause he doesn't want to see them. It's people like you and her that make and create dead beat dads.

 

[computerguy]

This is my fiancee now...

Yep, that is it, I am a gold digger. I agree with what you are saying, however my issue is that it takes two people to have a child. You don't get the option of walking away simply because it doesn't fit into your life. What if I decided I didn't want to see the kids anymore? As far as my
salary, you fail to recognize the rough period after the divorce when I wasn't making this much money, yet he was being supported by his wife (who he married within a few weeks of the divorce). There were plenty of times I wasn't sure what the kids were going to have for dinner and that wasn't his problem, so why should he be able to benefit from my success?

[Edited by computerguy on 01-31-2001 at 12:33 PM]

 

[ddrk1]

>>>This is my fiancee now...

Yep, that is it, I am a gold digger. I agree with what you are saying, however my issue is that it takes two people to have a child. You don't get the option of walking away simply because it doesn't fit into your life. What if I decided I didn't want to see the kids anymore? As far as my
salary, you fail to recognize the rough period after the divorce when I wasn't making this much money, yet he was being supported by his wife (who he married within a few weeks of the divorce). There were plenty of times I wasn't sure what the kids were going to have for dinner and that wasn't his problem, so why should he be able to benefit from my success?>>>>

So let me get this straight, this is payback right?
You are right it does take two people but like I said, he will pay dearly later on when his kids confront him about it. By what you have said I can already imagine what kind of attitude you have and I can bet that is part of why he doesn't want to see his kids.

Okay, it took two to get married, two to have kids and two to get a divorce. Why is it his fault that you had a rough time after the divorce? I thought your fiance stated that he has pretty much always paid his child support. If he was being supported by his new wife then he didn't have any money either, right. What makes you think he didn't have any hard times after the divorce? The fact that he got married right after and you didn't? It sounds more like you are jealouse that he found someone quick and you didn't. But look at you now. You make more money than him and you're getting married. So what more do you want? You get child support and probably alamony, what else do you need to be happy?
In this case you are not even thinking of your children. All you want is vengance and that is pretty selfish. If you really want him so see his kids then lighten up on him a bit. You don't realize that your actions affect his decisions and they do. It's bad enough that the system heavily favors the mother why don't you try to even it out a bit? Would it hurt you that much not to get money that isn't yours in the fist place? Be glad that he isn't a dead beat dad and if you really care about your kids try to work something out with him so he will want to see them. I'm sure that if you mention to him that you are willing to decrease the child support payments so he will want to spend more time with his kids you will get an unexpected reaction from him.

 

[The Bart]

I am the fiancee. Thought I would jump in myself this time. I am completely over the whole marriage thing and the fact he got married first has nothing to do with anything. I went about my own life for a period of time, which he was jealous of, and kept pushing me to get married, so you are way off base with that. As far as the money, I would happily take nothing if it meant my kids had a loving relationship with their father. The revenge in this is that we both have responsibilities when it comes to the kids. I have to provide a loving home, food, clothing, medical care, help with homework, guidance in life and he has choosen to do nothing. The law states he must assist in the financial responsibilities of our children and has even dictated the amount. I am not being unreasonable to expect him to pay that amount. I attempted your friendly relationship with my ex and each time I do, he attempts to reduce the support. I do not say negative things about the kids dad to them or around them. I encourage them to share things with him as well. You are right that in the long run the kids will know who provided for them and who did not, but when you are looking at a 3 year old, the future is pretty far away.

 

[Overwhelmed Dad]

I've got to say something here

I'm sorry.....I just have to say something here.....computer guy already stated that the amount of support has already been reduced a couple of times and it reminded me of my own situation as a kid.....mine was a little different in the fact that i was being bounced from foster home to foster home and had a court order of child support for my mother just because my parents were just too incompetent as parents.......but anyway....i bet even if she called them up and told the courts to lower his support payments to zero they wouldn't let her....in a situation like hers where at the present time anyone can tell that neither parent is in dire need of the support funds there is only one main reason for the support to continue.....it could be the only form of contact the courts can force a negligent parent to have with a neglected child.....when i was 16 I was making more money than my mother was but she was still forced to pay my foster mom a whole 25 dollars a week in support....i found out later that the 25 dollars was just a token amount and the per week was just to increase the frquency of the times she had to be reminded she had a son.....it could be the same here.
half his paycheck???.......not hardly....at 35-40K per year I doubt if it's a hardship.....more like an inconvience for a dad who thinks his past kids are just a mistake he'd like to forget, but the courts and that monthly check don't let him do.
sorry.......these posts just kinda hit a nerve

 

[Missy25]

Overwhelmed Dad,

You are absolutely correct when you say that most of the time, when the courts order one of the parents to pay child support is so that it will be a constant reminder that they have a child(ren). Some fathers are absolutely great in paying and seeing their children. My ex has never paid me one penny nor has he seen the children in over a year. It seems obvious to me, that computer guy's, finacee's, ex-husband (let me take a breath now..lol) does not want to pay for some reason. Being that he knows that she makes alot more than him is abosolutely no reason for him to keep wanting to reduce his payments. I agree with O. Dad, I do not see the court's allowing the ex to stop payments all together. If that were the case, then why don't all judges order a stop payment when the mother's start making one penny more than the ex? It just seems to me that the ex wants to get out of it. I know that the mom can afford the medical expenses and etc. But, the ex was also ordered to pay half of all these expenses. By letting him get away with this, then he is being told it is ok not to have responsibility for the children. My best advice is, is to talk to a lawyer and do what is best for the children.