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  1. #1
    cylejh is offline Junior Member
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    Question qualifications of an unfit mother

    hello, my ex and i live in kansas. i am 22 and my ex is 19.

    well to be honest this is a very complicated situation. my ex and i do not have a custody agreement (yet) but i want custody of my son. i am not the biological father of him, i have been with her since she was three months pregnant. i am the father on the birth ceritficate, and I AM HIS FATHER. with that said my son is now 16 monthes old, and he is great.

    the problem is that she has him. im not sure what the qualifications for unfit mother are but i have no idea how she doesnt fit some if not all of them. she smokes marijuana, in front of him, i have even been told that she blew it in his face to try and calm him down.

    i broke up with her because she, well craves male attention, to be nice. myspace was the worst thing ever created, at least for her. but anyway, she has men constantly coming and going. parties at all hours.

    she is constantly pawning my son off on anyone she can so that she can go out. "parents deserve a break" is her excuse. im not even worried about the underage drinking.

    she goes on and on how she wishes she had never had him. her ex-step sister even told me that she has thrown him several times (even left a knot on his head)

    she has her mother living with her, normally not a big deal except her mother is a known drug dealer

    she is a pathological liar, to the point that she tells people she has cancer, she has fabricated her entire history, ive never seen anything quite like it.

    i dont want sole custody, i just want hime to live with me, i feel he deserves better than that. i want her to be appart of his life, no child should go without a mother, but if he stays around her the way he is, well im just scared. i guess im just looking for idvice on whether this constitutes being an unfit mother or not, and the next steps i need to take~ thanks for your attention
  2. #2
    Zephyr is offline Senior Member
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    Is there any chance mom would be willing to agree to a custody arrangement that lists you as the custodial parent?
  3. #3
    Antigone* is offline Senior Member
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    Please tell us what state you are in

    If you feel your child is in danger you need to call the local protective child services department

    Eta... Sorry missed the Kansas piece
    Last edited by Antigone*; 01-20-2010 at 09:41 PM.
  4. #4
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Being on the BC does not mean you are the legal father to this child. Given that you were never married and are not the biological father... you likely have little to no claim to him. Regardless of how much you consider yourself to be his Dad. You'd best talk to a lawyer before going further.
  5. #5
    CJane is offline Senior Member
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    The paternity fraud is going to be the biggest issue if Mom decides to open that can of worms and/or the biological father arrives on the scene.

    Other than that? Unless you can PROVE the injuries to the child or that the marijuana use so negatively impacts the health and welfare of the child that it poses immediate and irreparable harm. Otherwise, she's a crappy mom, but she's not unfit.

    And even if she IS unfit and CPS did get called and the DID decide to remove the child, their ENTIRE GOAL is going to be reunification with Mom, not permanent placement with you.
  6. #6
    LdiJ is online now Senior Member
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    Bottom line....

    If you go for custody, mom is going to challenge paternity. Since you already know that you are NOT the biological father, you will end up with no child.
  7. #7
    Zephyr is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LdiJ View Post
    Bottom line....

    If you go for custody, mom is going to challenge paternity. Since you already know that you are NOT the biological father, you will end up with no child.
    Which is why his best chance is for mom to agree to a custody arrangement.
  8. #8
    CJane is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zephyr View Post
    Which is why his best chance is for mom to agree to a custody arrangement.
    Mom can agree to a custody arrangement, but things can still happen to jack it up...

    1) They could fail to address paternity at that time.
    2) The actual biological father can contest it if/when he finds out
    3) A DNA test could be ordered by the judge to establish paternity prior to signing even a stipulated agreement.

    In Kansas, SRS is going to require a DNA test if Mom files for child support (which I'm a little shocked hasn't already happened).
  9. #9
    cylejh is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by CJane View Post
    The paternity fraud is going to be the biggest issue if Mom decides to open that can of worms and/or the biological father arrives on the scene.

    Other than that? Unless you can PROVE the injuries to the child or that the marijuana use so negatively impacts the health and welfare of the child that it poses immediate and irreparable harm. Otherwise, she's a crappy mom, but she's not unfit.

    And even if she IS unfit and CPS did get called and the DID decide to remove the child, their ENTIRE GOAL is going to be reunification with Mom, not permanent placement with you.
    i guess the biggest question is what constitutes proof?

    that, and what is the best way to convince her to a custody agreement
    Last edited by cylejh; 01-26-2010 at 04:24 PM.
  10. #10
    CJane is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cylejh View Post
    i guess the biggest question is what constitutes proof?

    that, and what is the best way to convince her to a custody agreement
    I was basically saying that NOTHING you've mention falls into the realm of unfit.

    And DNA is GOING to be required. Not MIGHT be. WILL be.

    This is NOT your child, and the chances of that never being found out are slim to none.
  11. #11
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Don't we first need to establish whether or not OP has signed AOP/DOP?



    (I know many states have only a certain window of time in which paternity - once legally established - can be challenged by Mom and Legal Dad)
  12. #12
    CJane is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Proserpina View Post
    Don't we first need to establish whether or not OP has signed AOP/DOP?



    (I know many states have only a certain window of time in which paternity - once legally established - can be challenged by Mom and Legal Dad)
    EVEN IF Dad signed the AOP, the OTHER GUY can dispute paternity for quite some time - especially if he can convince the court that he had NO IDEA he might have fathered a child.

    Will he WIN? I can't say. Will it COMPLETELY disrupt the child's life and OP's life? Yes.

    And if he did sign the AOP? Well, he's party to fraud in a pretty big way. Given the fact she was 3 months pregnant when they started "talking" he KNEW he wasn't the daddy when he signed the paper saying that he was.
  13. #13
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by CJane View Post
    EVEN IF Dad signed the AOP, the OTHER GUY can dispute paternity for quite some time - especially if he can convince the court that he had NO IDEA he might have fathered a child.

    Will he WIN? I can't say. Will it COMPLETELY disrupt the child's life and OP's life? Yes.

    And if he did sign the AOP? Well, he's party to fraud in a pretty big way. Given the fact she was 3 months pregnant when they started "talking" he KNEW he wasn't the daddy when he signed the paper saying that he was.

    No, I get that.

    My point is that biological Dad may only have a certain period in which he can challenge paternity since there is already an established legal father.
  14. #14
    CJane is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Proserpina View Post
    No, I get that.

    My point is that biological Dad may only have a certain period in which he can challenge paternity since there is already an established legal father.
    Usually, he has a certain amount of time from when he FOUND OUT that he might have a child.

    It's harder to successfully challenge paternity, but the motions can be filed, DNA required, etc.

    I'm not talking about OP being "removed" at some point as the legal father, though I think that's a strong possibility about 25 seconds after he files for custody, I'm talking about the real life possibility of him lying to his child for YEARS and then having that bite him in the azz.
  15. #15
    LdiJ is online now Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by CJane View Post
    Usually, he has a certain amount of time from when he FOUND OUT that he might have a child.

    It's harder to successfully challenge paternity, but the motions can be filed, DNA required, etc.

    I'm not talking about OP being "removed" at some point as the legal father, though I think that's a strong possibility about 25 seconds after he files for custody, I'm talking about the real life possibility of him lying to his child for YEARS and then having that bite him in the azz.
    I agree wholeheartedly.

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