Questions re: rules at NCP house

[bugsmom18]

What is the name of your state? Iowa

Some background: My fiance & I live together. We each have 4 yr old daughters. We have taken slow steps towards blending as a family and the girls are very well-adjusted to the idea. My fiance and I have agreed that we each want the other to feel involved with both kids and that it's ok to reprimand each other's children. This hasn't been a problem for 1 1/2 years as our parenting styles are very similar.

He is NCP of his daughter (I am CP of mine) and we had both the girls this past weekend. During breakfast on Saturday, the girls were messing around (as is usual) and were told at least three times by us to quit what they were doing. Of course, they didn't and ended up with a huge mess. I came in and swatted both rear ends and made them sit at the kitchen table to finish their breakfast. There were no tears as I don't believe in beating your child when you spank them but a quick swat to get attention is ok. The rest of the weekend was pretty good except for the next day when fiance's daughter got really mouthy with her dad and he made her sit on the couch. She yelled in that she was telling her mom and that she is supposed to tell her mom whenever her dad or me is bad to her because we're not supposed to do that. That situation got talked out and it seemed everything was ok when his daughter went home Sunday night.

Now the problem: he called his daughter yesterday morning as usual but when they were about done, he heard his ex say something to his daughter, then his daughter said "My mom said you're not supposed to let **M** do anything to me." He just said something like we'll talk about it later.

Then last night when he called to talk to his daughter before going to bed, his ex said she needed to talk to him and proceeded to say "You tell your skank-a** g/f that she better never touch my daughter again and you better never do that again either as I'll bust both your a**es and call the police to have you thrown in jail." He said that he is free to do as wishes at his house and she the same. She said that she can tell him what to do with their daughter and he will listen or go to jail. Then she put their daughter on the phone who proceeded to yell at her dad "**M** better never touch me again, Dad." (The child is only 4.) Then about an hour later she calls back and wants to speak to me. I agreed and my fiance told his ex that she better be decent as he is always decent to her b/f. Well, she wasn't. The f-word came out every other word and she threatened me and made many derogatory comments. I stayed calm and tried to have explain the situation and what actually happened but she just yelled over me before she hung up.

I realize that I have no "interest" in this situation, but I do help keep track of stuff that goes on as there is much to journal. What are his rights? Can she really call the police because she doesn't like his discipline style? Can she force him to do as she wants at our house? What are some reasons to go back to court? She wasn't working much when they got divorced because she expected him to have to pay for everything. She is self-employed and has been working more and it is usually from 3 or 5 in afternoon to 8 or 9 in the evening. Could this be a reason? It is a regular occurence on his weekly visits (which end at 8 p.m.) for her to call and either have daughter stay all night or not bring her home until after 9 p.m. (and they are school nights). Also on Wednesdays (which aren't his visits) his daughter usually stays with one of her family members or her b/f while she works. Can he fight for his daughter to be with him on that night since mom works?

I'm sorry this is so long but my fiance is very upset as she is kind of crazy acting and he wouldn't put it past her to call the police. This child is in no way abused so I realize that even if she were to turn it in, it would be unfounded. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[stealth2]

She can most certainly put a stop to YOU touching their child. I know I would if my ex's wife tried spanking one of our kids.

 

[MandyD]

I agree with Stealth, NOBODY but their father or I would ever have been allowed to spank our children. You're not even part of the family, you're a girlfriend.

I really think in order to keep some peace, you apologize to the child and promise never to do that again. Let her father mete out corporal punishment if HE feels it's necessary.

 

[bononos]

He should never discipline your and your ex's child.
You should never discipline his and his ex's child.
I could see, if he were not home, then the ball is in your court.
A time out could be initiated by you, but NEVER should you spank someone else's child!
I'd be pissed if I were her.
You are not that child's parent, nor is he your child's parent.
Maybe he and his ex (notice I didn't include you) should sit down and come to a well intended parenting plan and address this issue. If she does not want a legal stranger hitting her child, don't argue and don't do it!

 

[CJane]

I don't even know how I'd react if my BF spanked my kids - never mind how my ex would react.

 

[bononos]

I don't even know how I'd react if my BF spanked my kids - never mind how my ex would react.

Damn Skippy!
I'd kick his azz before my ex even had a chance.

 

[bugsmom18]

Spank & Swat are different

If I swatted a fly as hard as I hit her butt, I wouldn't have hurt the fly. But to keep this post from being completely about spanking a child, it is not something that has ever been a regular occurrence for either of the children and I will make sure that it doesn't happen again. I talked with his daughter as we always do when they've done something wrong and explained why it's wrong and why parents have to discipline so the kids grow up to be good and responsible adults and that we love them very much even when we tell them no and make them do stuff.

Now legally, can she do anything about how HE chooses to discipline his child and can I have any of my other questions answered, please? His ex is very manipulative with their daughter and somethings that daughter says in no way are how a 4 yr old speaks. Again, I guess all that can be done is journal and bring it all up in court when his ex is given enough rope to hang herself.

 

[CJane]

Now legally, can she do anything about how HE chooses to discipline his child and can I have any of my other questions answered, please? His ex is very manipulative with their daughter and somethings that daughter says in no way are how a 4 yr old speaks. Again, I guess all that can be done is journal and bring it all up in court when his ex is given enough rope to hang herself.

Does the court order address discipline at all? Mine does, and I know some others do as well. If it doesn't, she could certainly take the issue back to the court and have a 'no corporal punishment' statement put in the parenting plan.

Journaling what his child says isn't going to help you at all. The child has no voice in court except through a GAL - and the GAL is only going to consider what they hear straight from the children, not what you say the kid said that mom said.

You might just want to resign yourself to the fact that you're yet another person involved with yet another person who was once involved with yet another perfectly acceptable co-parent who suddenly became psycho.

 

[haiku]

You should not be 'swatting' someone elses kid. your fiance should understand that the only people who should be considering that are him and his ex.

A better way to have handled that situation as described would have been to remove both girls from the situation, until they could behave.

As a mother and a stepmother, I have learned, you do have to do things differently, even when it comes to your own children, during the time periods you have both your children and step children in the house.

There are ways to assert your adult authority without having to resort to any sort of physical punishment.

At this point I would step way back if I were you, and refuse to engage in any more conversations with mom. let your finace deal with it directly. You want to distance yourself as much as possible.

 

[brisgirl825]

You might just want to resign yourself to the fact that you're yet another person involved with yet another person who was once involved with yet another perfectly acceptable co-parent who suddenly became psycho.

I have to LMAO at that!! Mom is prolly bipolar too.

 

[stealth2]

I realize that I have no "interest" in this situation, but I do help keep track of stuff that goes on as there is much to journal. What are his rights? Can she really call the police because she doesn't like his discipline style? Can she force him to do as she wants at our house? What are some reasons to go back to court? She wasn't working much when they got divorced because she expected him to have to pay for everything. She is self-employed and has been working more and it is usually from 3 or 5 in afternoon to 8 or 9 in the evening. Could this be a reason? It is a regular occurence on his weekly visits (which end at 8 p.m.) for her to call and either have daughter stay all night or not bring her home until after 9 p.m. (and they are school nights). Also on Wednesdays (which aren't his visits) his daughter usually stays with one of her family members or her b/f while she works. Can he fight for his daughter to be with him on that night since mom works?

He is permitted, unless otherwise specified in a court order or the child is placed in danger, to do as he likes in his home. He could try to get a right of first refusal clause for when Mom's working that she has to ask him before leaving the child with someone else. A judge may or may not go for it.

 

[bononos]

If I swatted a fly as hard as I hit her butt, I wouldn't have hurt the fly. But to keep this post from being completely about spanking a child, it is not something that has ever been a regular occurrence for either of the children and I will make sure that it doesn't happen again. I talked with his daughter as we always do when they've done something wrong and explained why it's wrong and why parents have to discipline so the kids grow up to be good and responsible adults and that we love them very much even when we tell them no and make them do stuff.

Now legally, can she do anything about how HE chooses to discipline his child and can I have any of my other questions answered, please? His ex is very manipulative with their daughter and somethings that daughter says in no way are how a 4 yr old speaks. Again, I guess all that can be done is journal and bring it all up in court when his ex is given enough rope to hang herself.

The fact remains no matter how hard you try to explain it:
YOU hit their child.
Don't do it ever again and the problem is solved.
You know it's an issue, so why do it?
Your the one using the rope, not her.

 

[haiku]

If I swatted a fly as hard as I hit her butt, I wouldn't have hurt the fly. But to keep this post from being completely about spanking a child, it is not something that has ever been a regular occurrence for either of the children and I will make sure that it doesn't happen again. I talked with his daughter as we always do when they've done something wrong and explained why it's wrong and why parents have to discipline so the kids grow up to be good and responsible adults and that we love them very much even when we tell them no and make them do stuff.

Now legally, can she do anything about how HE chooses to discipline his child and can I have any of my other questions answered, please? His ex is very manipulative with their daughter and somethings that daughter says in no way are how a 4 yr old speaks. Again, I guess all that can be done is journal and bring it all up in court when his ex is given enough rope to hang herself.

Well no, both are physical contact used for disciplinary purpose. They are the same, in that context. Again if daddy is home, it really should be left to him.

no, legally she likely cannot, if there is nothing in the court order now, it will be very hard to change it. What parents choose to do in thier own homes, is thier business. This also goes for her having to work, and leave the child with a caregiver.

in my opinion, you need to lay low. Ideally you do not want to end up a party to this in court, because eventually it could jeoprodize your fiance relationship wih his daughter and any rights he currently does have.

He would be wise right now to assure his ex that discipline will be handled mainly by him.

I don't see either side having any grounds to go to court over, but you certainly don't want to give anyone more ammo.

 

[bugsmom18]

dealing with mom

I do not usually deal with her mom at all as she is very bitter and nasty. I can understand that and try not to make anything a big deal. I am always nice and polite if I do see her which I can count on one hand in almost 2 years. I never speak bad about her to SD and I don't use "corporal punishment" regularly. As I stated earlier, I definitely won't be punishing his daughter again. I've been in a step family all of my life (3 older half-siblings) and I know how it important it is to get along with ex. I have wanted to and tried to do things that were a "first step" like taking his daughter to store to get a Mother's Day card and small present, taking pics at gymnastics and sending her copies b/c she forgot her camera.

I can understand her not liking me punishing their daughter. And I told her it wouldn't happen again. I would appreciate to be treated with respect and not yelled and threatened. The only problem is she is very jealous as daughter speaks very highly of me to anyone. I am part of her daughter's life whether she likes it or not. So I will continue to be civil and polite at all costs and never breathe a bad word about her mother even when she does deserve. This child doesn't need to be put "in the middle" anymore, her mother does enough of that.

 

[bugsmom18]

orders

He is permitted, unless otherwise specified in a court order or the child is placed in danger, to do as he likes in his home. He could try to get a right of first refusal clause for when Mom's working that she has to ask him before leaving the child with someone else. A judge may or may not go for it.

There is nothing in court order regarding discipline. And they do have a right of first refusal in their order. I don't have the wording at the moment.