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Reasonable notice for out of state visitation

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What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My husband and I are waiting out the last month of our 1 year seperation required by the state of VA for a divorce. He's active duty military and moved to Texas in March, leaving our 2 school age daughters with me. He's paying the minimum required by the Army for support, which barely covers my rent let alone anything else. I'm in the process of getting the paperwork together for custody and child support but having the extra money for the filing fee is hard.

My husband wants to come up at some undisclosed point during Christmas break to see the kids. Not only will he not give me a projected date of arrival, he wants to bring his girlfriend and her 4 children, whom my children have never met. My oldest daughter wants nothing to do with the girlfriend or her kids and voiced this to her father, who told her to suck it up or he just wouldn't come. My daughters are 9 and 5, and while my 5 year old is happy-go-lucky, my oldest is a daddy's girl and I know she would be miserable her whole vacation just to see her dad. She has also discussed this with her counselor, who has agreed she should not be forced into spending time with the woman but short of a restraining order, couldn't think of a way to avoid the situation.

Knowing my soon-to-be-ex, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if he just shows up at the door Christmas Eve with no notice whatsoever. Or calls me the 23rd saying he'll be at my door at 8am the next day. We have plans with family starting this coming week, as well as outside children's Christmas parties to attend.

I've asked that he give me a reasonable estimate of when he's going to arrive. He's known for a couple of months now what days he would have off for Christmas leave, and he still won't give me a set date or time. Am I able to tell him that he needs to give me 72 hours notice or not be able to visit without legal consequences? I don't want to have to cancel the kids' parties and such for fear he's going to show up and we won't be home and then I get busted for interference.
 


Hisbabygirl77

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My husband and I are waiting out the last month of our 1 year seperation required by the state of VA for a divorce. He's active duty military and moved to Texas in March, leaving our 2 school age daughters with me. He's paying the minimum required by the Army for support, which barely covers my rent let alone anything else. I'm in the process of getting the paperwork together for custody and child support but having the extra money for the filing fee is hard.

My husband wants to come up at some undisclosed point during Christmas break to see the kids. Not only will he not give me a projected date of arrival, he wants to bring his girlfriend and her 4 children, whom my children have never met. My oldest daughter wants nothing to do with the girlfriend or her kids and voiced this to her father, who told her to suck it up or he just wouldn't come. My daughters are 9 and 5, and while my 5 year old is happy-go-lucky, my oldest is a daddy's girl and I know she would be miserable her whole vacation just to see her dad. She has also discussed this with her counselor, who has agreed she should not be forced into spending time with the woman but short of a restraining order, couldn't think of a way to avoid the situation.

Knowing my soon-to-be-ex, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if he just shows up at the door Christmas Eve with no notice whatsoever. Or calls me the 23rd saying he'll be at my door at 8am the next day. We have plans with family starting this coming week, as well as outside children's Christmas parties to attend.

I've asked that he give me a reasonable estimate of when he's going to arrive. He's known for a couple of months now what days he would have off for Christmas leave, and he still won't give me a set date or time. Am I able to tell him that he needs to give me 72 hours notice or not be able to visit without legal consequences? I don't want to have to cancel the kids' parties and such for fear he's going to show up and we won't be home and then I get busted for interference.
No you will not get busted. As of right now there is no orders in place for you to be not complying with. That being said he is the childrens father. I understand your anger at him bringing his mistress with him. Trust me I do. However, you should try to work out something so he could see the kids. You can email him explaining that he is more than welcome to see the children in your home but under no circumstances will you allow the mistress inside your house. If he really wants to see his children then he will abide by that. If not you tried.
 

ecmst12

Senior Member
You could tell him that you will inform his CO that he is committing adultery if he dares bring another woman into your house or your childrens' presence before the divorce is final.
 

Hisbabygirl77

Senior Member
You could tell him that you will inform his CO that he is committing adultery if he dares bring another woman into your house or your childrens' presence before the divorce is final.
I like your thinking :D I think the OP really should let the children see their father but he is being beyond uncaring to her and the children wanting his lil play thing to go as well.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I like your thinking :D I think the OP really should let the children see their father but he is being beyond uncaring to her and the children wanting his lil play thing to go as well.
No kidding! As a woman with children, the girlfriend herself should realize how wildly inappropriate that is.
 
His 1st Sergeant is aware of the situation. I had to place an emergency call to his command the night before Thanksgiving because he had the car I was driving repossessed. He has our joint vehicle in Texas, and left me the SUV to drive. The SUV and the loan for it were in his name and he defaulted on the payments, didn't even warn me it was being taken. So I called the command. They said with no paperwork in place they can't order him to return the joint vehicle even though I have the greater need, and the 1st Sgt said he had advised my husband to cease his outside relationship immediately or he and the other woman would be served with Article 15's. (She's in his unit, not sure if they're same rank or what) I informed the 1st Sgt of his trying to force the other woman into my daughter's lives over the holiday, Sgt said he would get back to me and never did. I was told by the base chaplain here to file a complaint with the IG after they return from the holiday break.

I text messaged him today to get my kids Social Security numbers so I could apply for foodstamps and stuff, it took threatening to call his command to even get those. Tried asking him what his plans were and got no reply. I'm really worried there's going to be a show-down in the front yard if he just shows up this week with no warning. He's already told me that if our daughter doesn't want to meet his girlfriend and spend time with them together then she can turn him away at the door, which I find amazingly cruel.
 

Ronin

Member
His 1st Sergeant is aware of the situation. I had to place an emergency call to his command the night before Thanksgiving because he had the car I was driving repossessed. He has our joint vehicle in Texas, and left me the SUV to drive. The SUV and the loan for it were in his name and he defaulted on the payments, didn't even warn me it was being taken. So I called the command. They said with no paperwork in place they can't order him to return the joint vehicle even though I have the greater need, and the 1st Sgt said he had advised my husband to cease his outside relationship immediately or he and the other woman would be served with Article 15's. (She's in his unit, not sure if they're same rank or what) I informed the 1st Sgt of his trying to force the other woman into my daughter's lives over the holiday, Sgt said he would get back to me and never did. I was told by the base chaplain here to file a complaint with the IG after they return from the holiday break.
Understand that the 1st Sgt, nor his CO, have the authority, much less desire, to address marital disputes and the legal issues surrounding it in the manner you are trying to do (as per the bolded above).

While he may be reprimanded with an Article 15 as indicated by 1st Sgt, it will not help resolve the legal issues and other disputes you are having. While the chain of command will do what they can, they will not run interference every time you have a problem, and it is much too easy to cross the line where they will perceive you as a PIA, and merely pay lip service to your complaints.

Having been through the enlisted and commissioned ranks myself, and having seen a reality of how the military often rationalizes and deals with matters of adultery and other issues, I would not bank on your allegations damaging him too severely (unless they are looking for an excuse to get rid of him). One officer I personally knew was involved in a really big scandal over adultery, and was quickly shipped off to another base with many thinking his career was over. Turns out he was promoted as part of his transfer, he continued moving up, and later gained some national notoriety (of the good kind) over a military operation after which a movie was made with his character in it.

Anyway, the point here is your husband's chain of command can help you to some degree, but don't expect they will "punish" him or "force" him to do anything as you feel "deserves" to be done.

So avoid the urge to threaten to complain to his chain of command every time you have a problem with him, as this tends to lose effectiveness each time it is made, and keep your actual complaints to his command to a minimum to be most effective.
 
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Had one until the car I was driving got reposessed with no warning. I have appointments with the state to start getting assistance and got a card from a family member with a check to start the divorce and child support proceedings. And the visitation worry was a mute point, the loser didn't call all this week while he was on leave or anything, not even to wish them Merry Christmas. Too busy with the new girlfriend I guess, and yes my kids are used to him being a jerk so they barely noticed,
 

nextwife

Senior Member
My husband and I are waiting out the last month of our 1 year seperation required by the state of VA for a divorce. . . . He's paying the minimum required by the Army for support, which barely covers my rent let alone anything else.
You've been separated for a year. Are you working? You will need to be able to support yourself. What he pays in post divorce child support is intended to be his share of the cost of supporting the kids. You are responsible to support you AND to also help support your kids. CS is not intended to support your household. You'd have the cost of maintaining a household whether you had kids or not.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Had one until the car I was driving got reposessed with no warning. I have appointments with the state to start getting assistance and got a card from a family member with a check to start the divorce and child support proceedings. And the visitation worry was a mute point, the loser didn't call all this week while he was on leave or anything, not even to wish them Merry Christmas. Too busy with the new girlfriend I guess, and yes my kids are used to him being a jerk so they barely noticed,
Quite frankly your attitude sucks. YOU have been separated a year and should have been paying the bills for the car you drive and house you reside in. The fact that you weren't says a lot about what a LOSER YOU ARE. As for the comment about the children used to him being a jerk -- your anger will one day destroy you.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Had one until the car I was driving got reposessed with no warning. I have appointments with the state to start getting assistance and got a card from a family member with a check to start the divorce and child support proceedings. And the visitation worry was a mute point, the loser didn't call all this week while he was on leave or anything, not even to wish them Merry Christmas. Too busy with the new girlfriend I guess, and yes my kids are used to him being a jerk so they barely noticed,
You may not even realize you're doing it - but you're seriously hurting your children.

The LAST thing YOU need to do is encourage such a feeling of disdain towards your ex - YOUR job is to facilitate their relationship, not bolster the feeling that he's a jerk. Even if he IS a jerk.

Epic fail, Mom.
 
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