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  1. #1
    wikiricki is offline Junior Member
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    Recovering alcoholic going through a divorce

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

    Well my case is complicated as I assume most divorces are. Here is my background:

    After the birth of my second child in February 2007 I suffered from post-partum depression and began drinking heavily. I was self-medicating. I immediately realized it was a problem and went to several short term detoxes in the following months. None of these worked as they were only a week or so long. By the time May came my family confronted me and had me go to rehab in Texas for 45 days. When I returned I continued to drink because I suppose I wasn't ready to remain sober. It wasn't until February 2008 until I finally kicked the habit. My husband and I were still having problems, he resented me for my alcoholism and I resented him for his lack of attention to the family (he would often take off surfing or snowboarding whenever he wanted skipping holidays and parties and family events.)

    I went to visit my brother in North Carolina in July and when I returned I went on the computer for something and found out he was cheating on me. There were searches for were to take a date, articles he looked up called "why do women love sex with married men." I printed them out but in the midst of it he returned home and ripped them out of my hand and destroyed them. Anyway, my point is that that night I fell off the wagon. My husband and I got into a huge fight and I threw a statue at him. He called the police and I was arrested. He filed a restraining order against me. He dropped it under conditions that I have supervised visitation with my kids. I was kicked out of my house and I see my kids under strict guidelines.

    Since I have been out of my house in July he has taken my journal that I wrote during my time in rehab and is threatening me with it. He also hacked into my email and several other accounts such as AIM and Facebook where I was talking to some of my old friends about the divorce etc. I said some not so nice things about him in the process. He has printed out the conversations and is threatening to use them against me as character. He has said he doesn't want my family around the kids who are 2 and 4 because of things I wrote in my diary about my parents when I was growing up.

    My questions are these:

    Is my diary from rehab admissible in court? It was used therapeutically to work through my addiction which really bothers me. Examples of things that were said in the diary were admitting drinking the day we picked up my daughter from the hospital etc. (I am not proud of such things, I did them during my addiction which I am proud to say that I am in recovery now.)

    Is he able to use those conversations in which obtained conversations by hacking into my accounts in court? Can I argue that he had my password and could have pretended to be me to be me in order to get evidence against me?

    Will these things make a difference in the custody decision?

    How much weight does a judge put on the parent who was primary caretaker for the majority of the children's lives? (I did everything for the children for our entire four year marriage)

    My husband also let the car insurance and health insurance lapse after he signed an affidavit not to change anything. My children and I are without health insurance. I always organized and handled the accounts and finances. Since the divorce started it has all gone downhill. Will the judge consider the fact that he can't manage important accounts into the custody decision?

    Any help would be appreciated. This is not an easy time in my life and I am trying to be as strong as possible. I own the mistakes and choices that I made that helped get me in this situation whereas my husband is not. There is of course much more to the story and I did not bring up the things he has done to help contribute to the divorce.

    I would also like to say that my kids are currently in daycare and I am asking for primary physical custody so that they can spend their days with me instead of a stranger. My husband prefers they stay in daycare because he is out for blood, hates me and wants to win.
  2. #2
    cyjeff is offline Senior Member
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    Your email accounts are probably not admissible.

    The fact you get drunk and violent is.
  3. #3
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    My questions are these:

    Is my diary from rehab admissible in court? It was used therapeutically to work through my addiction which really bothers me. Examples of things that were said in the diary were admitting drinking the day we picked up my daughter from the hospital etc. (I am not proud of such things, I did them during my addiction which I am proud to say that I am in recovery now.)
    Yes it is admissible. You are a party to the case and it can be used.

    Is he able to use those conversations in which obtained conversations by hacking into my accounts in court? Can I argue that he had my password and could have pretended to be me to be me in order to get evidence against me?
    If he had your password, he did NOT hack into your email. He read your email. That is a different situation. He can use the emails. You can try to destroy the credibility of the email but you are not ALLOWED to lie to the court.

    Will these things make a difference in the custody decision?
    They very well could.

    How much weight does a judge put on the parent who was primary caretaker for the majority of the children's lives? (I did everything for the children for our entire four year marriage)
    That is NOT true. Because you were in rehab during some of that time and dad was there.

    My husband also let the car insurance and health insurance lapse after he signed an affidavit not to change anything. My children and I are without health insurance. I always organized and handled the accounts and finances. Since the divorce started it has all gone downhill. Will the judge consider the fact that he can't manage important accounts into the custody decision?
    Where are the children currently? Apparently with dad. How do you know he let them lapse? Were they private accounts? Why aren't you paying any of it?

    I would also like to say that my kids are currently in daycare and I am asking for primary physical custody so that they can spend their days with me instead of a stranger. My husband prefers they stay in daycare because he is out for blood, hates me and wants to win.

    Truthfully there are many good reasons for children to be in daycare including when one parent is an addict and violent. Then there are socialization reasons and what not.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  4. #4
    wikiricki is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks for your responses

    Thanks for your responses.

    I understand that my past behavior can be used. Again, I am not proud of the struggle I went through with my disease, but I am proud to get it under control in one year and to be recovering today. Many addicts live with the disease for years before even admitting they have a problem. Mind you, my husband is not an angel either. He has hit me and spit on me and been absent as a father our entire marriage going off whenever he pleased and is now playing father of the year.

    As for the insurance I am not paying any of it because I am not working. I was a stay at home mom for our entire marriage and am currently looking for a job. I have been out of the workforce for 8 years despite a B.S. in Environmental Science. My husband and I made that decision when we got married. In the beginning I worked for the business we started together then I stopped to care for our children.

    I never thought this would get so nasty and am trying to be as nice as possible despite the constant name calling that he barrages me with.
  5. #5
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    My questions are these:
    Is my diary from rehab admissible in court?
    Most likely . You have exhibited violence through alcohol consumption .


    It was used therapeutically to work through my addiction which really bothers me. Examples of things that were said in the diary were admitting drinking the day we picked up my daughter from the hospital etc. (I am not proud of such things, I did them during my addiction which I am proud to say that I am in recovery now.)
    Is he able to use those conversations in which obtained conversations by hacking into my accounts in court? Can I argue that he had my password and could have pretended to be me to be me in order to get evidence against me?
    Please don't try try insult the intelligence of the court .That will only irritate a Judge .

    Will these things make a difference in the custody decision?
    You would have to show the court through a letter from your primary alcohol therapist of your progress , prognosis , and character .

    You did sussesfully complete inpatient , and are in follow up outpatient , correct ?

    How much weight does a judge put on the parent who was primary caretaker for the majority of the children's lives?
    The Judge will weigh all the evidence put in front of the court .

    In reality you have a " record " of being an alcoholic .

    You would have a chance at some Custody and visitations , but primary physical Custody will most likely remain with Dad.

    (I did everything for the children for our entire four year marriage)
    My husband also let the car insurance and health insurance lapse after he signed an affidavit not to change anything. My children and I are without health insurance. I always organized and handled the accounts and finances. Since the divorce started it has all gone downhill.
    Will the judge consider the fact that he can't manage important accounts into the custody decision?
    If he is managing now and has been managing without your presents , I doubt your allegations will fly .

    Any help would be appreciated. This is not an easy time in my life and I am trying to be as strong as possible. I own the mistakes and choices that I made that helped get me in this situation whereas my husband is not. There is of course much more to the story and I did not bring up the things he has done to help contribute to the divorce.
    Quit putting the blame on Dad .

    Quit making excuses .

    You " chose " to live your life style .

    You Know the 12 steps .

    I would also like to say that my kids are currently in daycare and I am asking for primary physical custody so that they can spend their days with me instead of a stranger. My husband prefers they stay in daycare because he is out for blood, hates me and wants to win.
    Sure he is . Ya here the phrase " Poor Poor Me " ?

    Advice:

    Keep rebuilding your life and focus on Parent/child relationship .

    Get good reviews by your primary Councilor to show the Court , and you may come out alright .
    Last edited by BL; 10-25-2008 at 01:25 PM.
  6. #6
    wikiricki is offline Junior Member
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    You did sussesfully complete inpatient , and are in follow up outpatient , correct ?

    Yes I did, and am.


    Quit putting the blame on Dad .

    Actually, I said I own my mistakes. I guess you heard what you wanted to. I explained how I was wrong because I know that this is mainly my fault. I didn't bring up in my post how he has been abusive toward me as well, but I guess that is ok because he wasn't drinking when he hit me or spit on me throughout our marriage. My primary purpose in life is to be a mom. I am not a bad person I just struggled with a problem for a year.
  7. #7
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    I gave you legal advice .

    I also gave you the insight to use your tools .

    It will do you NO GOOD to rationalize .

    Get over it and move forward .
    Last edited by BL; 10-25-2008 at 02:32 PM.
  8. #8
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
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    this is just my view, i doubt you will get primary. yes, i know. you are in the process of recovering. but you may need the time to focus on you. work your way up. work on getting unsupervised visits, work your way to overnights, keep sober, work on getting 50/50 custody and stay sober. you need to show long term stability. that's the bottom line. abuse doesn't exist in court if it was not reported.
  9. #9
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Actually, I said I own my mistakes. I guess you heard what you wanted to. I explained how I was wrong because I know that this is mainly my fault. I didn't bring up in my post how he has been abusive toward me as well, but I guess that is ok because he wasn't drinking when he hit me or spit on me throughout our marriage. My primary purpose in life is to be a mom. I am not a bad person I just struggled with a problem for a year.
    You just struggled with a problem for a year? Then you don't understand addiction. You will be struggling with the problem for the rest of your life. One day at a time.
    As for whether he has been abusive or not -- have you reported his abuse? Has he been arrested for DV? Has he been convicted? Did you get a restraining order against him?

    You never answered my question regarding where the children are now. You also are responsible for the bills quite frankly.

    Oh and I disagree with BL on one thing -- a LETTER from your treatment counselor will NOT be enough. You will need live testimony from the treatment program to prove that they believe you are on track.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  10. #10
    wikiricki is offline Junior Member
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    I just thought I'd pop in and let you all know how it turned out. We did decide on 50/50 joint legal custody with him having primary physical. We settled out of court.

    As for all of you that believed I was also responsible for the insurance payments, you were incorrect. The judge ripped him a new one when she found out he let them lapse and did not pay those policies. In fact she ordered him to reimburse me for all medical expenses incurred until he could get me a new insurance policy. This included all prescriptions, doctor visits etc.

    Also I didn't mean to imply that I was no longer an addict except for that one year, I was simply stating the amount of time I spent drinking alcoholically before choosing to seek help. I will struggle the rest of my life with my addiction but I will not be actively struggling with addiction. I am sober now since December '08 and enjoying my children. Thank you all for your advice
    Last edited by wikiricki; 02-17-2010 at 11:12 AM. Reason: Grammar mistake
  11. #11
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by wikiricki View Post
    I just thought I'd pop in and let you all know how it turned out. We did decide on 50/50 joint legal custody with him having primary physical. We settled out of court.

    As for all of you that believed I was also responsible for the insurance payments, you were incorrect. The judge ripped him a new one when she found out he let them lapse and did not pay those policies. In fact she ordered him to reimburse me for all medical expenses incurred until he could get me a new insurance policy. This included all prescriptions, doctor visits etc.

    Also I didn't mean to imply that I was no longer an addict except for that one year, I was simply stating the amount of time I spent drinking alcoholically before choosing to seek help. I will struggle the rest of my life with my addiction but I will not be actively struggling with addiction. I am sober now since December '08 and enjoying my children. Thank you all for your advice
    Glad to hear things worked out ,and congrats ...

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