Regaining Custody after Rehab

[aubreyz]

Washington State

My husband "Bobby" and I divorced 3 years ago, and our daughter (now 8 years old), was five. Bobby and my father have remained close, and have spoken to one another daily by phone since the divorce. My dad says that Bobby is "the son he never had, and his best friend". This is difficult for me, as dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, and he resented me for divorcing his "son".

At the time of our divorce, Bobby and I agreed that I would be the custodial parent, and he would have visitation with "Emma" Friday, Saturday Sunday, and alternating holidays. Emma and I have always been very close, and I have always been a good parent to her. I volunteer at her school, serve her well rounded meals, preserve rules regarding homework and bed time, host play dates, etc. She is the center of my life. I should also state that I am a 32 year old, healthy, well-educated young mom.

Here is my problem: Last fall, I broke my pelvis while moving a large piece of furniture. The recovery process was quite arduous. During that time, I became dependent on prescription pain killers and sleep aids. They remained a problem even after the hip pain had subsided. My dad, Bobby, and I met 3 months after the injury, and decided that it was in both Emma's best interest and my own that I temporarily move in with my dad, who lives 4 hours away, and attend rehab for chemical dependency. I was surprised when the next day I was presented with documentation to sign granting temporary custody to Bobby, since I already felt compliant and agreeable to treatment, but figured no harm would be done. Arrangements were made for Bobby and Emma to travel and visit me every other weekend in rehab. Emma and I have spoken every night on the telephone since we have been apart.

I have now successfully finished treatment, and have been sober for 5-1/2 months. I feel recovered, with no cravings, etc., just as I thought I would. Drug use has never been a problem in my life before, and I considered the dependence a regrettable but isolated incident. Unfortunately, my dad and Bobby do not agree. While I have been prepared to return home, resume my life, and be reunited with my daughter for months now, they have consistently said that not enough time has passed for me to prove myself. Feeling strong-armed yet overpowered, I stayed on longer with additional counseling, before pursuing the reinstatement of my custodial rights, just to please Bobby and my dad. I have finally returned to my home in my hometown for good, found a decent and self-supporting job, and think that it's time for me to transition back into a parenting role. Emma misses me terribly and cries about my absence constantly.

Dad and Bobby have something else in mind. Bobby has decided that he now wants full custody of Emma, and thinks I should only be allowed supervised visitation for several hours every other Saturday. I am in shock. Apparently, dad and Bobby have, in their words, decided that "nothing can stop her from doing it again", and, "she must be mentally ill or unstable to have turned to drugs." These assertions are ludicrous to me. Worst of all, dad said that if we go to court, he will side with Bobby and testify that I am unfit to mother my daughter. He said that in addition to his concerns about a relapse, he thinks that a child shouldn't have to go back and forth between two houses. He's said that since Emma has become accustomed to living in "just one house" in the last 6 months, it should stay that way, and that since Bobby makes over $300,000 a year and I only make $48,000, that he can provide her a better life.

Between rehab, moving back and forth, and now paying child support to Bobby (which he DOESN'T need), I am depleted of savings and live on a tight budget. Entering into this situation, I thought I'd go to rehab for 30 days, come back, and all would be as planned. Now it looks like I'll have to fight the battle of my life to regain even joint custody, and that I don't have much chance of winning. This would be absolutely unbearable.

Does anyone know the rights of a parent recovering from addiction? How do judges tend to lean in these situations? Is this being blown out of proportion by those threatening and intimidating me, or will I really have to hire a lawyer I can't afford, and go through rounds and rounds of proving?

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer my questions.

 

[Proserpina]

First....were there ever any court orders deciding custody, child support and visitation? If there were, what did they specify?

Second....when you signed the papers giving temp custody to Bobby was it ever submitted to the court? Has it become part of the court record?

Third.....your father, quite frankly, should butt out (although you're right to be concerned - there seems to be a good chance that he and Bobby may actually go ahead and challenge your fitness to parent Emma and this fact alone indicates that yep, you do need an attorney.)

But a word of caution. You might want to change your viewpoint on child support - whether he needs the money or not you are obliged to support your daughter. Don't take the "he doesn't need it" attitude into court with you - it will NOT look good.

Other than that you need to answer those couple of questions -it might then be easier to see how everything stands.

 

[LdiJ]

Washington State

My husband "Bobby" and I divorced 3 years ago, and our daughter (now 8 years old), was five. Bobby and my father have remained close, and have spoken to one another daily by phone since the divorce. My dad says that Bobby is "the son he never had, and his best friend". This is difficult for me, as dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, and he resented me for divorcing his "son".

At the time of our divorce, Bobby and I agreed that I would be the custodial parent, and he would have visitation with "Emma" Friday, Saturday Sunday, and alternating holidays. Emma and I have always been very close, and I have always been a good parent to her. I volunteer at her school, serve her well rounded meals, preserve rules regarding homework and bed time, host play dates, etc. She is the center of my life. I should also state that I am a 32 year old, healthy, well-educated young mom.

Here is my problem: Last fall, I broke my pelvis while moving a large piece of furniture. The recovery process was quite arduous. During that time, I became dependent on prescription pain killers and sleep aids. They remained a problem even after the hip pain had subsided. My dad, Bobby, and I met 3 months after the injury, and decided that it was in both Emma's best interest and my own that I temporarily move in with my dad, who lives 4 hours away, and attend rehab for chemical dependency. I was surprised when the next day I was presented with documentation to sign granting temporary custody to Bobby, since I already felt compliant and agreeable to treatment, but figured no harm would be done. Arrangements were made for Bobby and Emma to travel and visit me every other weekend in rehab. Emma and I have spoken every night on the telephone since we have been apart.

I have now successfully finished treatment, and have been sober for 5-1/2 months. I feel recovered, with no cravings, etc., just as I thought I would. Drug use has never been a problem in my life before, and I considered the dependence a regrettable but isolated incident. Unfortunately, my dad and Bobby do not agree. While I have been prepared to return home, resume my life, and be reunited with my daughter for months now, they have consistently said that not enough time has passed for me to prove myself. Feeling strong-armed yet overpowered, I stayed on longer with additional counseling, before pursuing the reinstatement of my custodial rights, just to please Bobby and my dad. I have finally returned to my home in my hometown for good, found a decent and self-supporting job, and think that it's time for me to transition back into a parenting role. Emma misses me terribly and cries about my absence constantly.

Dad and Bobby have something else in mind. Bobby has decided that he now wants full custody of Emma, and thinks I should only be allowed supervised visitation for several hours every other Saturday. I am in shock. Apparently, dad and Bobby have, in their words, decided that "nothing can stop her from doing it again", and, "she must be mentally ill or unstable to have turned to drugs." These assertions are ludicrous to me. Worst of all, dad said that if we go to court, he will side with Bobby and testify that I am unfit to mother my daughter. He said that in addition to his concerns about a relapse, he thinks that a child shouldn't have to go back and forth between two houses. He's said that since Emma has become accustomed to living in "just one house" in the last 6 months, it should stay that way, and that since Bobby makes over $300,000 a year and I only make $48,000, that he can provide her a better life.

Between rehab, moving back and forth, and now paying child support to Bobby (which he DOESN'T need), I am depleted of savings and live on a tight budget. Entering into this situation, I thought I'd go to rehab for 30 days, come back, and all would be as planned. Now it looks like I'll have to fight the battle of my life to regain even joint custody, and that I don't have much chance of winning. This would be absolutely unbearable.

Does anyone know the rights of a parent recovering from addiction? How do judges tend to lean in these situations? Is this being blown out of proportion by those threatening and intimidating me, or will I really have to hire a lawyer I can't afford, and go through rounds and rounds of proving?

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer my questions.

Bobby and your father are trying to intimidate you. I realize that money is tight, but you need to find a way to come up with the money for an attorney to fight this.

You didn't just turn to a life of drugs, you broke your hip for goodness sake and ended up dependent on the pain medication. That happens to a lot of people. You did your rehab, you are staying sober so there is no reason for you to have supervised visits or any reason why your child shouldn't have regular parenting time with you.

Realistically, Bobby has status quo now because she has been with him for six months, so you are unlikely to get primary custody back, but regular parenting time is something that you should still be able to get...however you really are going to need an attorney. Are there any other members of your family who might be willing to help you hire the attorney?

 

[LdiJ]

First....were there ever any court orders deciding custody, child support and visitation? If there were, what did they specify?

Second....when you signed the papers giving temp custody to Bobby was it ever submitted to the court? Has it become part of the court record?

Third.....your father, quite frankly, should butt out (although you're right to be concerned - there seems to be a good chance that he and Bobby may actually go ahead and challenge your fitness to parent Emma and this fact alone indicates that yep, you do need an attorney.)

But a word of caution. You might want to change your viewpoint on child support - whether he needs the money or not you are obliged to support your daughter. Don't take the "he doesn't need it" attitude into court with you - it will NOT look good.

Other than that you need to answer those couple of questions -it might then be easier to see how everything stands.

While I agree with the bolded advice, I would like to point out that in several states (including mine) a child support calculation would show the CP owing child support to the NCP in a situation where the CP's income was that much higher than the NCPs.

Her income is 4k a month his income is 25k a month. Any child support that she would pay him would be a drop in the bucket for him. I suspect that if he is pushing the issue of child support its to keep her poor...ie making it harder for her to have the means to fight him legally.

 

[aubreyz]

Thanks, and some clarifications

First of all, thank you so much to those of you who responded. From the sound of it, I will indeed need to hire an attorney. I'll respond to the questions asked though, in the hopes that I'll be armed with as much information as I can get.

1. You are right. As far as the child support statement is concerned, I was a bit snippy. Rest assured, I would never say it like that to a judge, and I should be more careful about saying it at all. At the time our original parenting plan was made, Bobby made $180,000 per year, and I made $45,000 per year. It was determined by the court that I was to receive $1300 per month from him in child support, which I did for 3 years. In the new plan, Bobby had the choice to ask for a) $0, or b) an amount determined by the court based on my income. $25 per month was the minimum payment in our state, and this is what I was asked to pay. Bobby says he chose to require this while I was unemployed so he could track whether I was invested in regaining custody. I kept my mouth shut and have been paying, because I would never want it said to my daughter or anyone else that I didn't care about her enough to come up with $25 a month.

2. As specified above, we did have an original parenting plan entered with the court, and also a modified plan. At the time I signed the papers, I thought they were an agreement between Bobby and me, drawn up by his lawyer as back up, in case I didn't follow through. I didn’t know it was to be entered into the court record. Perhaps I misunderstood because I was under the influence of narcotic pain medication. In retrospect, I certainly wouldn't have signed it with having a lawyer review it, as it has caused me nothing but pain in multiple ways. For example, since the plan was signed Dec.18th, Bobby took advantage of his becoming custodial parent in "2008", and claimed Emma as a dependent on his tax return. This caused me another financial setback; I had claimed 2 exemptions for tax withholdings all year and then was only able report one, and Bobby claimed one exemption all year and then reported 2. This resulted in a windfall for him and a substantial IRS payment for me.

3. As for wording in the revised agreement, here is what the plan states:
a) Mother has admitted to chemical dependence or substance abuse.
b) Mother agrees to seek intensive treatment at a certified drug rehabilitation program.
c) Upon completion, parents will work with child therapist "Ann Jones" to create a reunification plan, and mediator "Bob Smith" in the event of conflict. Parents will split associated costs 50/50.
d) Father will become custodial parent during this time, permanent custody will be determined at a later date.
e) Father agrees to bring child for 2 days of visitation 2 times per month.
f) Travel expenses for visits shall be split 50/50 between parents for the first 6 visits, and covered %100 by mother any visits thereafter. (Yes, we’re well past 6 visits.)

4. Since I have finished treatment, Bobby has made several new assertions regarding the revised parenting plan. 1st, he claims that since it was written, he has become more informed about addiction issues, and has "realized" that they stem from mental illness. He has decided that my treatment was not intense enough for his liking, because after I’d spent 3 weeks in residential treatment, I was transferred to intensive outpatient (full time 8am-5pm, M-F) based on my level of improvement. I stayed in outpatient treatment for another 6 weeks. Dad and Bobby wanted me to go back and attend a 4th week of residential treatment, but I wasn’t eligible for re-admission to the facility or 2 others I checked with, as I was no longer using pills and didn't qualify as an acute risk. I do have a letter from the facility verifying my completion of treatment. During this time, what began as staying with dad temporarily while overcoming addiction morphed into a full-on demand for a personality change on my part. Dad reported to Bobby that I stayed up too late reading, consumed too many calories, and acted “depressed sometimes”. He theorized that I may have lost “driving skills” if the medications “damaged my brain”, and insists that I no longer drive with Emma in the car. These “progress report” calls were made in front of me, with Dad and Bobby concluding that this was “not the behavior of a woman intent on turning her life around for her child and appearing healthy”. Just to reiterate, I have always been a model parent, never shown signs of mental illness, have an advanced degree in Biology, and have a 17 year near-perfect driving record.

Now that I’m back on my feet, I’ve attempted to contact Ann Jones for reunification plans, but she stated that she has since retired. Bob Smith said that while he does work as a mediator, he was unaware that his name was listed in our plan, and cannot be of assistance for at least 6 months. I believe this means we should retain another child therapist and mediator to perform the same tasks. Bobby believes that their unavailability nullifies these stipulations, and thinks instead that we should head straight to court.

I see that I'm definitely going to have to bite the bullet and come up with some money, which I will do. I’m assuming that I will also have to go through a psychiatric evaluation, a parenting evaluation, and drug testing, all at my own expense. Am I correct in assuming this? I am not worried about the findings, but want to be prepared. I’ve been through a psych evaluation at the treatment center and taken random drug tests, so I know what to expect there, but what does a parenting evaluation look like with an 8 year old? From what I've read, during part of the process I will be observed interacting with Emma for an hour or so in a viewing room with a one-way mirror. Emma and I are affectionate, close, and comfortable with one another. Now that she reads Harry Potter-sized books and finishes her homework without much help, I don't know what kind of interaction they will be watching for. When I have Emma, we read next to each other on the couch, cook meals together, kick a soccer ball around, and sometimes turn up the music and dance in living room. She is extremely unlikely to need any discipline or firm direction within the hour's time, as she is an easy and cooperative child. Frankly, if it's not meal time or bed time, I'm concerned that an evaluator might think that Emma and I are "too-close" or "friend-like". Dad overheard me ask Emma if she had any special requests for the grocery list and commented, "That's one of your problems--you forget that Emma is your daughter and not your best friend. This will come up in court."

Never in my life until now have I wondered whether or not I am a good parent. The accusations of being unfit are starting to drive me crazy and question my own sanity. Can anyone let me know what I should expect in the coming weeks, or how I should proceed? I am truly saddened, as before my injury, we were co-parenting just fine, and neither of us were disparaging of the other parent. Bobby is a good father to Emma. Prior to our divorce, he was a workaholic and was inactive in Emma's life. Since the divorce, Bobby has really stepped up and become involved in Emma's life. I want to think that he is acting this way because he’s gotten to know Emma better and has a deeper appreciation for spending time with her and worries for her feelings if events were to repeat themselves. Unfortunately, I suspect it is more than that, and he is taking the opportunity to punish me for initiating our divorce proceedings, and saddling him with fulltime responsibility during this time. I would understand the desire to ensure that Emma would be safe, but the vindictive character assasination is mind-boggling. Please help!

 

[LdiJ]

After reading that its clear that your need for an attorney is critical.

However...I will tell you something about the taxes. (I am a tax professional)

The fact that he got the order signed in December did NOT give him the right to claim the children for tax purposes.

The only way that he would have claimed the children, legally, for 2008 would have been if the children had had more overnights with him, in calendar year 2008 than with you.

On top of that, at his income level he received so little credit for the children that it was almost ridiculous for him to claim them at all.

If the children spent more overnights with you during calendar year 2008 than with him, and you can prove it, (by the previous orders if nothing else) then you could file an amended return now, claiming the children and get the additional refund that you were previously denied. He would then have to repay the excess refund he recieved, but it would be next to nothing at his income level.

 

[aubreyz]

Thanks for the info, LdiJ. After research based on your advice, it looks like I'll be able to receive a refund for several thousand dollars, which I will use to help cover my legal proceedings!