Seeking Advice on More Visitation

[Advice_Seeker14]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina


I am currently seeking legal advice or someone who can point me in the right direction regarding my situation. I was married to my ex for 5 years and during our marriage we gave birth to our son who is now the age of 4. Our marriage was not perfect by all means and we went through a battle when it came to separation. We were both in the military and during our times of deployment we both took care of our son while the other one was away. During her last deployment she called me and told me she did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me. During that time I was taking care of our son in a state where we had no family it was just he and I. I managed to work full-time and drop and pick him up from daycare throughout the week. I was off on weekends. Once she told me she didn't love me anymore and things weren't going to work out I immediately packed up our apartment and went to live with family in another state for a couple of months. Upon her return from deployment I went back to her to try to work things out with our marriage.

That was shortly lived we would get into arguments and she would physically hit me. With me being a husband, father and most of all a man I restrained her, never hit her and never pressed charges because I never felt threatened. She ended up filing false domestic abuse charges against me and had a sheriff come to our house and tell me I had to leave and had 15 minutes to pack as much as I could and leave and to not return to the house for any reason. She filed a restraining order on me and from there our situation went to court. I had no where to go I slept in my car and still managed to go to work everyday. Court lasted for about a year or so and in the end the charges brought upon to me for domestic violence were dropped because she sat on the stand and told the judge I would never hurt her nor my son.

Therefore I have no legal charges against me and from that moment the court granted me safe haven visitation to see my son. That lasted for a about 2-3 months and not to mention I had to pay for every visit. During the last visit she met with me outside the safe haven and told me she needed my help with our son and we decided to go through mediation to come to some type of agreement. So altogether she took my son away from me for a little over a year. Seeing him through safe haven made me the happiest man on earth but after being put out of our home we shared with no where to go I had to find my way and find a place. During our mediation I agreed to keep my son every other weekend due to I was still trying to establish myself from being put out of our house and get my own residence together. I felt it was in the best interest of our child that he live with her primarily until I got myself established. I ended up getting laid off from my government contract job and collected unemployment.

I still managed to provide food and clothes for my child along with take him on my weekends and holidays. I had a place to live at that point which was with my girlfriend whom my ex wife knew about. They met and she was perfectly fine with my son being at our residence. Over the year of mediation I managed to find a good stable job with a good income and have been paying half of my son's daycare monthly and anything else she may need help with I am always willing to help provide. There were several times I even went grocery shopping and dropped food off to her house for my son to put in her refrigerator. I have built a closer bound with my son on the weekends I have him and he is always calling me on the weekends I don't have him wanting to come see me.

I typed a nice letter to my ex wife and asked her for more time with him but to be specific I asked if she would let him come live with me for a year and she could see him whenever she wants. Her response to that was no. My ex wife is very forgetful and will sometimes call when she forgets about a jump or staff duty she has to be at and I take my son and keep him because I do understand her military career. Since she said no to the year of living with me I asked her if we can change our mediation to two weeks with her a month to include the weekends and two weeks with me a month and the months that are short I would take the one week with him to include the weekend. She even said no to that. All of a sudden she went and filed for child support and and she is only willing to give me one more day with him a month other than the two weekends I get with him. My fiance and I are about to have a little girl and I want my son to be able to spend a little bit more time with me and his sister.

I don't think equal time with both parents is asking for too much. She stated she doesn't want me having the extra time because he resides with her and that is his home and he just visits my home. I think that is unfair to me when I deserve equal time with him. Of course I agreed to every other weekend because it was best for our son at the time since I was put out of our home involuntarily and had to re-establish myself. Now that I have a stable home, income, and allotted time for him with my work schedule she is not willing to meet me half way. What are my options, what can I do? Do I have enough reasoning to petition the court for a modification to our mediation agreement?

 

[LdiJ]

Ok, first, if you don't edit that to have paragraphs and spaces between the paragraphs very few people are going to read it. Its just too difficult to read a big block of text like that.

I did however read it. How far apart do you and mom live? It may be possible for you to get more time with your son, but you have no change in the child's circumstances that would justify a change in custody. There is little chance that a judge would order a 50/50 placement unless you are both in agreement to that. In addition, it hurts you that this is coming right on the heels of mom filing for child support. It always looks suspicious to a judge when a parent asks for 50/50 custody right after being ordered to pay child support.

 

[Advice_Seeker14]

Thanks

Ok, first, if you don't edit that to have paragraphs and spaces between the paragraphs very few people are going to read it. Its just too difficult to read a big block of text like that.

I did however read it. How far apart do you and mom live? It may be possible for you to get more time with your son, but you have no change in the child's circumstances that would justify a change in custody. There is little chance that a judge would order a 50/50 placement unless you are both in agreement to that. In addition, it hurts you that this is coming right on the heels of mom filing for child support. It always looks suspicious to a judge when a parent asks for 50/50 custody right after being ordered to pay child support.

Thanks for the advice on the paragraphs it's my first time doing this. However to answer the question being asked we stay five minutes apart from each other. I do have a situation I have for circumstantial changes that I can present to the court but not sure it would stick since I didn't act accordingly. My ex wife called me stating our son told her that her live in boyfriend hit our son. Our son also told the daycare provider the same thing. I was told by a lawyer I could use that as reason for the change in visitation however she also told me I should have contacted DSS to file a complaint. It's been about three months since that has happened and I had no proof of him hitting my son and that very night she asked me to pick my son up from a friend's house because she was going to go home and talk with her boyfriend to get to the bottom of the situation. I am working overtime when I don't have my son to try to save up for a lawyer.

Also I don't mind paying for the child support but all I want is equal time with my son. I also have text messages and the letter I sent to her was asking for more time with him way before she filed child support and in my letter I told her I would not file any support against her and we can keep paying for things half and half.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina


I am currently seeking legal advice or someone who can point me in the right direction regarding my situation. I was married to my ex for 5 years and during our marriage we gave birth to our son who is now the age of 4.

You did not give birth. Let's be clear. You did not push this child out of your body. That is a fact.

Our marriage was not perfect by all means and we went through a battle when it came to separation. We were both in the military and during our times of deployment we both took care of our son while the other one was away. During her last deployment she called me and told me she did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me. During that time I was taking care of our son in a state where we had no family it was just he and I. I managed to work full-time and drop and pick him up from daycare throughout the week. I was off on weekends. Once she told me she didn't love me anymore and things weren't going to work out I immediately packed up our apartment and went to live with family in another state for a couple of months. Upon her return from deployment I went back to her to try to work things out with our marriage.

Okay.

That was shortly lived we would get into arguments and she would physically hit me. With me being a husband, father and most of all a man I restrained her, never hit her and never pressed charges because I never felt threatened. She ended up filing false domestic abuse charges against me and had a sheriff come to our house and tell me I had to leave and had 15 minutes to pack as much as I could and leave and to not return to the house for any reason. She filed a restraining order on me and from there our situation went to court. I had no where to go I slept in my car and still managed to go to work everyday. Court lasted for about a year or so and in the end the charges brought upon to me for domestic violence were dropped because she sat on the stand and told the judge I would never hurt her nor my son.

Okay.

Therefore I have no legal charges against me and from that moment the court granted me safe haven visitation to see my son. That lasted for a about 2-3 months and not to mention I had to pay for every visit. During the last visit she met with me outside the safe haven and told me she needed my help with our son and we decided to go through mediation to come to some type of agreement. So altogether she took my son away from me for a little over a year. Seeing him through safe haven made me the happiest man on earth but after being put out of our home we shared with no where to go I had to find my way and find a place. During our mediation I agreed to keep my son every other weekend due to I was still trying to establish myself from being put out of our house and get my own residence together. I felt it was in the best interest of our child that he live with her primarily until I got myself established. I ended up getting laid off from my government contract job and collected unemployment.

So you agreed to give her primary.

I still managed to provide food and clothes for my child along with take him on my weekends and holidays. I had a place to live at that point which was with my girlfriend whom my ex wife knew about. They met and she was perfectly fine with my son being at our residence. Over the year of mediation I managed to find a good stable job with a good income and have been paying half of my son's daycare monthly and anything else she may need help with I am always willing to help provide. There were several times I even went grocery shopping and dropped food off to her house for my son to put in her refrigerator. I have built a closer bound with my son on the weekends I have him and he is always calling me on the weekends I don't have him wanting to come see me.

Okay.

I typed a nice letter to my ex wife and asked her for more time with him but to be specific I asked if she would let him come live with me for a year and she could see him whenever she wants. Her response to that was no.

Don't blame her.

My ex wife is very forgetful and will sometimes call when she forgets about a jump or staff duty she has to be at and I take my son and keep him because I do understand her military career. Since she said no to the year of living with me I asked her if we can change our mediation to two weeks with her a month to include the weekends and two weeks with me a month and the months that are short I would take the one week with him to include the weekend. She even said no to that.

Don't blame her. Month to month is horrible for a child. But this is not about the child apparently. It is about you.

All of a sudden she went and filed for child support and and she is only willing to give me one more day with him a month other than the two weekends I get with him. My fiance and I are about to have a little girl and I want my son to be able to spend a little bit more time with me and his sister.

And?

I don't think equal time with both parents is asking for too much. She stated she doesn't want me having the extra time because he resides with her and that is his home and he just visits my home. I think that is unfair to me when I deserve equal time with him. Of course I agreed to every other weekend because it was best for our son at the time since I was put out of our home involuntarily and had to re-establish myself. Now that I have a stable home, income, and allotted time for him with my work schedule she is not willing to meet me half way. What are my options, what can I do? Do I have enough reasoning to petition the court for a modification to our mediation agreement?

Unfair? This is not about fair with you. Not gonna happen. You can grow up and start thinking about your son. What is the substantial change in the life of the child -- that is necessary to change custody.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks for the advice on the paragraphs it's my first time doing this. However to answer the question being asked we stay five minutes apart from each other. I do have a situation I have for circumstantial changes that I can present to the court but not sure it would stick since I didn't act accordingly. My ex wife called me stating our son told her that her live in boyfriend hit our son. Our son also told the daycare provider the same thing. I was told by a lawyer I could use that as reason for the change in visitation however she also told me I should have contacted DSS to file a complaint. It's been about three months since that has happened and I had no proof of him hitting my son and that very night she asked me to pick my son up from a friend's house because she was going to go home and talk with her boyfriend to get to the bottom of the situation. I am working overtime when I don't have my son to try to save up for a lawyer.

Also I don't mind paying for the child support but all I want is equal time with my son. I also have text messages and the letter I sent to her was asking for more time with him way before she filed child support and in my letter I told her I would not file any support against her and we can keep paying for things half and half.

I see little to no chance of you getting equal time with your child. However, I do think that you could get at least one overnight a week (normally Wednesday) with your child in addition to every other weekend. You could possibly also get some extended time for vacations etc., in the summer.

 

[Advice_Seeker14]

You did not give birth. Let's be clear. You did not push this child out of your body. That is a fact.

Okay.


Okay.


So you agreed to give her primary.


Okay.



Don't blame her.

Don't blame her. Month to month is horrible for a child. But this is not about the child apparently. It is about you.



And?



Unfair? This is not about fair with you. Not gonna happen. You can grow up and start thinking about your son. What is the substantial change in the life of the child -- that is necessary to change custody.

Yes I did agree to primary because it was what was best for our son at the time. She had me put out of our house for false charges and then they were dropped because she told the truth on the stand. I do blame her for not being willing to give our son equal time with both of us. Our son already goes back and fourth from both households every other weekend and then she will call in between those times to ask if I can keep him because of something related to her job so in that case I believe more time for my child and I together is not a bad thing. She could never prove me unfit and I have been there through everything. It's all about my son and what's best for him never about me.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes I did agree to primary because it was what was best for our son at the time. She had me put out of our house for false charges and then they were dropped because she told the truth on the stand. I do blame her for not being willing to give our son equal time with both of us. Our son already goes back and fourth from both households every other weekend and then she will call in between those times to ask if I can keep him because of something related to her job so in that case I believe more time for my child and I together is not a bad thing. She could never prove me unfit and I have been there through everything. It's all about my son and what's best for him never about me.

You want to make a major change in the child's life without a substantial change in circumstance. You simply are not going to get a judge to order that unless its an agreement between you and mom. You definitely can get more time since you live so close to each other. I just don't think that you have any shot at equal time.

 

[Advice_Seeker14]

You want to make a major change in the child's life without a substantial change in circumstance. You simply are not going to get a judge to order that unless its an agreement between you and mom. You definitely can get more time since you live so close to each other. I just don't think that you have any shot at equal time.

Well I'm hoping that will be the outcome because we are going to go to mediation to modify our current agreement. I did look up laws regarding changes in visitation and presence of siblings was one of the guidelines I seen. My fiance will be giving birth next month and I would like my son to be around his sister a little more as well. I am not trying to take him solely from her just wanting to have a little more time with him a month being she kept him away from me a whole year due to her selfish reasons. I am a very understanding father and I am willing to work with her but it just doesn't seem the same in return. She offered two weeks on and two weeks off in a month at first and now all of a sudden that I have another child on the way she changes her mind. Praying for a great outcome because I go above and beyond for my children. I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be in his life when there are several dead beat fathers who do that with their children these days. In in conclusion knowing that there was belief that her live in boyfriend may have put his hands on my son what if there isn't a next time and something worse happens I believe that is substantial reason enough for a little change.

 

[LdiJ]

Well I'm hoping that will be the outcome because we are going to go to mediation to modify our current agreement. I did look up laws regarding changes in visitation and presence of siblings was one of the guidelines I seen. My fiance will be giving birth next month and I would like my son to be around his sister a little more as well. I am not trying to take him solely from her just wanting to have a little more time with him a month being she kept him away from me a whole year due to her selfish reasons. I am a very understanding father and I am willing to work with her but it just doesn't seem the same in return. She offered two weeks on and two weeks off in a month at first and now all of a sudden that I have another child on the way she changes her mind. Praying for a great outcome because I go above and beyond for my children. I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be in his life when there are several dead beat fathers who do that with their children these days. In in conclusion knowing that there was belief that her live in boyfriend may have put his hands on my son what if there isn't a next time and something worse happens I believe that is substantial reason enough for a little change.

A "substantial change in circumstance" is a legal definition. Google that and read the definitions on a few lawyer websites to get a feel for what that means. Nothing you have meets that. Also, two weeks on and two weeks off would be an absolutely HORRIBLE schedule for a 4 year old child. Even one week on and one week off might be difficult for a 4 year old. Those are the types of schedules that work better for school aged children.

Like I said, I think that you can get more time. I just don't think that you are going to get equal time.

 

[Ohiogal]

Yes I did agree to primary because it was what was best for our son at the time. She had me put out of our house for false charges and then they were dropped because she told the truth on the stand. I do blame her for not being willing to give our son equal time with both of us. Our son already goes back and fourth from both households every other weekend and then she will call in between those times to ask if I can keep him because of something related to her job so in that case I believe more time for my child and I together is not a bad thing. She could never prove me unfit and I have been there through everything. It's all about my son and what's best for him never about me.

You agreed to primary. She doesn't have to prove you unfit. All she had to prove at that time was best interest of the child. NOW you have to prove a substantial change in the life of the child -- if you can't prove that, you don't even get to best interests. And yes, it is about you with what you have stated.

 

[Proserpina]

Well I'm hoping that will be the outcome because we are going to go to mediation to modify our current agreement. I did look up laws regarding changes in visitation and presence of siblings was one of the guidelines I seen. My fiance will be giving birth next month and I would like my son to be around his sister a little more as well. I am not trying to take him solely from her just wanting to have a little more time with him a month being she kept him away from me a whole year due to her selfish reasons. I am a very understanding father and I am willing to work with her but it just doesn't seem the same in return. She offered two weeks on and two weeks off in a month at first and now all of a sudden that I have another child on the way she changes her mind. Praying for a great outcome because I go above and beyond for my children. I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be in his life when there are several dead beat fathers who do that with their children these days. In in conclusion knowing that there was belief that her live in boyfriend may have put his hands on my son what if there isn't a next time and something worse happens I believe that is substantial reason enough for a little change.

Dad, do you realize what you've just written here? ^^^^

Seriously?

(And don't even think of including Mom's boyfriend - NOTHING was done about it, hence you can't use that against Mom)

 

[Silverplum]

Well I'm hoping that will be the outcome because we are going to go to mediation to modify our current agreement. I did look up laws regarding changes in visitation and presence of siblings was one of the guidelines I seen. My fiance will be giving birth next month and I would like my son to be around his sister a little more as well. I am not trying to take him solely from her just wanting to have a little more time with him a month being she kept him away from me a whole year due to her selfish reasons. I am a very understanding father and I am willing to work with her but it just doesn't seem the same in return. She offered two weeks on and two weeks off in a month at first and now all of a sudden that I have another child on the way she changes her mind. Praying for a great outcome because I go above and beyond for my children. I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be in his life when there are several dead beat fathers who do that with their children these days. In in conclusion knowing that there was belief that her live in boyfriend may have put his hands on my son what if there isn't a next time and something worse happens I believe that is substantial reason enough for a little change.

You had that chance, and you blew it. If you believed your son was abused, you should have contacted every public resource. Your attorney told you that. Now it's just an accusation, pointlessly made without proof.

The INITIAL custody determination is (almost) granite. If you agreed to give her primary custody, you will likely never gain much more than standard noncustodial parenting time. That ship has sailed, also.

Your new (unborn) child is not a reason to change custody, either. What happens if/when you and Mom2 break up and you make a baby with Mom3? Is the Court to follow you and your new families about, changing custody as you go?

 

[mmmagique]

OP, would you be willing to give her the same child support she is getting now if you had him half the time?

 

[CJane]

Yes I did agree to primary because it was what was best for our son at the time. She had me put out of our house for false charges and then they were dropped because she told the truth on the stand. I do blame her for not being willing to give our son equal time with both of us. Our son already goes back and fourth from both households every other weekend and then she will call in between those times to ask if I can keep him because of something related to her job so in that case I believe more time for my child and I together is not a bad thing. She could never prove me unfit and I have been there through everything. It's all about my son and what's best for him never about me.

This is really bothering me.

SHE did not have you "put out of the house" a RESTRAINING ORDER was issued - those aren't issued willy-nilly, unless they're agreed to. They're issued when there is REASON TO BELIEVE that the party is a THREAT to the safety of someone in the household.

And then, EVEN AFTER she admitted on the stand that she didn't believe you were a threat - a YEAR LATER, mind you - the judge STILL ordered supervised visits at a center. That's kind of a big deal.

You're perfectly willing to put all of this blame on Mom, but I strongly suspect that you're not exactly a completely innocent party.

And why should kiddo's life be disrupted at this point? Why should he spend the next YEAR living with you (and then presumably, switch AGAIN)? Why should he even have to change his internal schedule to an every two week split? That's asking an awful lot of a little kid, just so he can "spend more time" with a sibling who hasn't even been BORN yet.