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  1. #1
    foggydreams is offline Junior Member
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    Sex offender visitation/custody?

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law) - Oregon
    Shortly before we were married my ex was convicted of Rape 3. I knew this going into the relationship.

    During the time we were together, he failed polygraphs repeatedly (13 times) on having sexual contact with minors. (Which was confusing, because we were together most of the time, and he had no contact with minors that I knew of.) Part of me has never trusted him. He had some pretty lose morals to begin with.

    He never wanted kids, and it was a surprise when we found out we were pregnant 5 years after we were married. She is now 2 and a half. By the time our daughter had been born, he had completed his Sex Offender Registration classes, but is still not listed as having graduated because he still owes the state money. Because of the nature of his crime, he is required to register as a sex offender for life.

    My ex and I separated in April. Our separation involved him cheating on me with multiple other people, him trying to coerce me into swinging, becoming angry and aggressive when I refused, and just a general distrust of him.

    He never really showed my daughter much affection, and it was only after we separated that he ever showed any real interest in her life. Even still, he has not been around to see her at all in the last month. The last time he spent time with her was New Years Eve.

    I have started filling out the divorce paperwork, and I am to the point of visitation and custody. Because my ex never really showed her any affection, and did not really want kids in the first place it was agreed that I would have full custody.

    He is now stating that he wants overnight visitation, and unsupervised visits with her. I am worried. Part of me does not trust him alone with my daughter. I am also worried about him becoming violent if I tell him why I do not want her to be unsupervised with him.

    Is he required to have visitation time? She does love him, and I do not want to cut him completely out of her life, but if I found out he abused her, I could never live with myself.
  2. #2
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    I would expect supervised visitation. But I do hope you've got a lawyer.

    And... try choosing better next time. WHAT were you thinking hooking up with a rapist? Did you really think he was a nice guy who just made a mistake?
  3. #3
    CJane is offline Senior Member
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    Oregon statute:

    163.355
    Rape in the third degree

    (1) A person commits the crime of rape in the third degree if the person has sexual intercourse with another person under 16 years of age.
    So he's not just a convicted rapist. He's a convicted rapist of children.

    And 13 times throughout a 7 year marriage, he failed polygraph exams regarding further sexual contact with children.

    And yet, it wasn't until the child you had together (and OMG, what the he** were you thinking?) was 2 years old that you thought it might be a good idea to leave?

    And even then, it's because he wanted you to have sex with other people that made you want to leave, not concern for your child's safety.

    It's quite likely he'll receive supervised visits for at least awhile. But the goal is usually to transition into unsupervised visits eventually. He might not ever get overnights, he might receive them fairly quickly.

    You KNEW what he was when you married him, when you got pregnant by him, when you chose to birth that child, and when you stayed with him after the child was born. That is NOT going to lend credibility to your "concerns" now.
  4. #4
    foggydreams is offline Junior Member
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    I was young, and stupid. Yes, I trusted him because at the time I did not know the full story. I was told it was an underage girlfriend.

    As for the failed polygraphs, the only time he was alone was the rare occasion he had to drive himself to and from his sex offender therapy classes. I knew exactly how long it took to get there and back, because I was the one to take him most times. When he went alone, he was always there and back when he should have been. Otherwise, there were no other minors around us. We lived out in the country on a very large ranch. All of our neighbors were either single people with no kids, or elderly people. We were too busy working the ranch to socialize with anyone. That and polygraphs are not an exact science. Many people fail them when they are telling the truth. Look, I'm not defending him. I know he had sex with a minor. I know it was a stupid move. I know it was really, incredibly stupid of me to trust him. Please don't bash me on that.

    I was on birth control when I got pregnant with my daughter. I was not trying to have kids with him. You ask what was I thinking?! Like it was really a planned thing. I had PCOS, and did not ovulate. I also been told that my uterus was so far prolapsed that I probably never would have kids. I never, ever expected to have a child. Let alone with him. And yes, I did choose to have my baby. In my belief system, there was no other option.

    He also was never alone with my daughter. Not once did he ever change a diaper, because as he said "I never wanted kids, you deal with her". Because I was her only caregiver, no I did not fear for her safety. There was no reason to fear for her safety. He never had the opportunity to hurt her. She even slept with me in my bed, while he slept on the couch in another room.

    I am not looking to be bashed, or called stupid for my decisions. I am looking for advice that is actually thought out, and not just an instinctive response based on my decision to stay with him.
  5. #5
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    By choosing him as daddy -- and you did choose him when you chose to have sex with him -- you were stating he was fit. How old is he? How old are you? When did the crime take place? Was he young -- 19 or less? Or was he older? He will be able to have HIS child with him at times unless you can prove he is a danger to HIS child. NOT that he was a rapist. You married him knowing that. You had sex with him knowing he was a rapist. You knew all of that and still chose to have a baby with him.

    Hence you don't get to decide that NOW he is not a fit parent. And you NEVER left him alone with his child? Ever? Where was the child when you were taking a shower? On the toilet? Going to the store for milk?
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  6. #6
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by foggydreams View Post
    I was young, and stupid. Yes, I trusted him because at the time I did not know the full story. I was told it was an underage girlfriend.

    As for the failed polygraphs, the only time he was alone was the rare occasion he had to drive himself to and from his sex offender therapy classes. I knew exactly how long it took to get there and back, because I was the one to take him most times. When he went alone, he was always there and back when he should have been. Otherwise, there were no other minors around us. We lived out in the country on a very large ranch. All of our neighbors were either single people with no kids, or elderly people. We were too busy working the ranch to socialize with anyone. That and polygraphs are not an exact science. Many people fail them when they are telling the truth. Look, I'm not defending him. I know he had sex with a minor. I know it was a stupid move. I know it was really, incredibly stupid of me to trust him. Please don't bash me on that.

    I was on birth control when I got pregnant with my daughter. I was not trying to have kids with him. You ask what was I thinking?! Like it was really a planned thing. I had PCOS, and did not ovulate. I also been told that my uterus was so far prolapsed that I probably never would have kids. I never, ever expected to have a child. Let alone with him. And yes, I did choose to have my baby. In my belief system, there was no other option.

    He also was never alone with my daughter. Not once did he ever change a diaper, because as he said "I never wanted kids, you deal with her". Because I was her only caregiver, no I did not fear for her safety. There was no reason to fear for her safety. He never had the opportunity to hurt her. She even slept with me in my bed, while he slept on the couch in another room.

    I am not looking to be bashed, or called stupid for my decisions. I am looking for advice that is actually thought out, and not just an instinctive response based on my decision to stay with him.
    The legal reality is you chose to have sex with a convicted child molester. You chose to have a child with said molester. You chose to stayed with the molester.
    You can't now expect a Judge to take away the visitation RIGHTS of the man you chose to father your child.

    On a personal level I can't understand how you could bring yourself to have sex with a "man" that molested a child. Gross.
  7. #7
    Artemis_ofthe_Hunt is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Meanie View Post
    The legal reality is you chose to have sex with a convicted child molester. You chose to have a child with said molester. You chose to stayed with the molester.
    You can't now expect a Judge to take away the visitation RIGHTS of the man you chose to father your child.

    On a personal level I can't understand how you could bring yourself to have sex with a "man" that molested a child. Gross.
    All of this aside, if Dad is a convicted CHILD molester, HOW is THAT not proof that he's a danger to his child (in the form of sexual abuse)?? I admit I'm not exactly "up" on molestation differences, but if he's already convicted of the crime, do they differentiate between an older minor and a toddler?
  8. #8
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Artemis_ofthe_Hunt View Post
    All of this aside, if Dad is a convicted CHILD molester, HOW is THAT not proof that he's a danger to his child (in the form of sexual abuse)?? I admit I'm not exactly "up" on molestation differences, but if he's already convicted of the crime, do they differentiate between an older minor and a toddler?
    If the father had sex with a (gross) family member THAT would indicate he was a potential danger to the child.

    If the victim was not related to him the same presumption of danger is unlikely to be considered. Not all molesters molest their own children.
  9. #9
    Artemis_ofthe_Hunt is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Meanie View Post
    If the father had sex with a (gross) family member THAT would indicate he was a potential danger to the child.

    If the victim was not related to him the same presumption of danger is unlikely to be considered. Not all molesters molest their own children.
    This whole thread is leaving an awful taste in my mouth. This poor child!
  10. #10
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Artemis_ofthe_Hunt View Post
    This whole thread is leaving an awful taste in my mouth. This poor child!
    Yeah...poor thing. One parent that likes young teen girls and the other parent that thinks nothing of marring a rapist.
  11. #11
    Artemis_ofthe_Hunt is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Meanie View Post
    Yeah...poor thing. One parent that likes young teen girls and the other parent that thinks nothing of marring a rapist.
    Marrying a rapist, sleeping with a rapist... both leave bad tastes in my mouth... the child growing up knowing that her dad.... yeah. Ugh.
  12. #12
    john39 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    By choosing him as daddy -- and you did choose him when you chose to have sex with him -- you were stating he was fit. How old is he? How old are you? When did the crime take place? Was he young -- 19 or less? Or was he older? He will be able to have HIS child with him at times unless you can prove he is a danger to HIS child. NOT that he was a rapist. You married him knowing that. You had sex with him knowing he was a rapist. You knew all of that and still chose to have a baby with him.

    Hence you don't get to decide that NOW he is not a fit parent. And you NEVER left him alone with his child? Ever? Where was the child when you were taking a shower? On the toilet? Going to the store for milk?
    I think,this line of "reasoning" is fallacious because the consequences of her belief have no bearing on whether the belief is true or false.

    What she believed is relevant only to what her values are ,but is not relevant to the truth or falsity of the claim.

    The truth or falsity of the claim that he poses danger to the child,has nothing to do with what she thought or didn't think before.Her thinking/belief is irrelevant,if the interest of the child is what matters.
  13. #13
    CJane is offline Senior Member
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    Dad wasn't convicted of child molestation. Dad was convicted of Rape in the 3rd degree. That means he had sex with a minor, but it's not the same as child molestation. More like statutory rape. Maybe semantics, maybe not.

    Because this isn't a child molestation/child endangerment/indecent liberties with a child conviction, it's unlikely Mom can prove that Dad is a danger to the child. Disinterested, yes. A crappy father, maybe. But a danger? Doubtful.

    I know Mom feels like I attacked her, but I want her to see how her credibility will be called into question on this one. Until he wanted visitation with their child, she was perfectly willing to believe that his past was behind him. But now? Not so much. NOW she wants to hold it against him and limit his rights to his child.

    Also, I'm unclear how he was "never alone" because he was so busy working the ranch, and so there's no way that he had contact with other minors, but he managed to have several affairs. Again, not to attack, but to point out the credibility issue.
  14. #14
    foggydreams is offline Junior Member
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    You are correct. It was statutory rape. It does not make it any better, I know. He was 18 and she was 2 weeks from turning 17.

    The affairs came later, after he was off probation, no longer being polygraphed and had completed his sex offender classes. I know he had not had contact with any minors during the time he was on probation, unless it was stuff like eye contact at a store while I was present. (Part of the sex offender treatment rules were he had to ask his probation officer's permission 2 weeks in advance before going to any store that a minor might congregate, and he had to be supervised at that time. One of our local grocery stores has an attached McDonalds, the other had a popular pizza place in the same parking lot. Because it was a 45 min drive into town, he never went alone.)

    To answer earlier questions, I kept my daughter in the bathroom with me when I used the bathroom, and she either took showers with me, or was in a bouncer in the bathroom while I showered. She went with me any time I left the house. Even if it was just to walk to the mail box.

    You will also note that I said part of me NEVER trusted him.
  15. #15
    majomom1 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by foggydreams View Post
    You are correct. It was statutory rape. It does not make it any better, I know. He was 18 and she was 2 weeks from turning 17.

    The affairs came later, after he was off probation, no longer being polygraphed and had completed his sex offender classes. I know he had not had contact with any minors during the time he was on probation, unless it was stuff like eye contact at a store while I was present. (Part of the sex offender treatment rules were he had to ask his probation officer's permission 2 weeks in advance before going to any store that a minor might congregate, and he had to be supervised at that time. One of our local grocery stores has an attached McDonalds, the other had a popular pizza place in the same parking lot. Because it was a 45 min drive into town, he never went alone.)

    To answer earlier questions, I kept my daughter in the bathroom with me when I used the bathroom, and she either took showers with me, or was in a bouncer in the bathroom while I showered. She went with me any time I left the house. Even if it was just to walk to the mail box.

    You will also note that I said part of me NEVER trusted him.
    But... you did stay with him. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

    Bottom line is: you stayed with him so now it could be difficult to prove to the court that you believe he is a threat to the child.
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