Should I put father unknown on birth certificate?

[taliaizgood]

What is the name of your state? VA
I am 30 years old and am 25 weeks pregnant with my first child. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was really worried because the father of the child started hanging out with the wrong crowd and getting in trouble. Since then, he has been to jail and in and out of court. No matter how much I tried to encourage him to get himself together, it seemed that me being pregnant made him even worse. We started to argue a lot and he started to mess around. Always catching him in lies and worrying about him being in some other kind of trouble kept me in tears. My doctor suggested that I try to eliminate some stress. I decided to move away. I moved to another state with my parents who were gracious enough to let me stay with them. I havent seen him in 3months nor do i care to. He on the other hand is still getting in trouble and has told me that getting a job or going back to school isnt something he will consider. He feels he can make more money in the street. I knew him for about a year before getting pregnant and this is really not the person I fell in love with. Now that all the cards seem to be on the table, making good decisions for my child are most important. I have a game plan to resume working and try to go back to school once she is born. However, the lifestyle that he is leading isnt something i want my child around. Is putting father unknown a good idea for her birth certificate. I was told by doing so this would make it so that if he ever does decide to get his act together, he will have to pay for his own paternity test and reimburse the state if i do need any assistance, rather than trying to wait for him to pay any child support, seeing as though he will probably be of no help being in jail or not working.

 

[Ohiogal]

No it is not a good idea because it is a lie. However, because you are not married, he would need to have a paternity test anyway or sign an affidavit of paternity. You chose him as the father by conceiving a child with him and carrying the child to term. He will not however have rights until paternity is established. His name on the birth certificate does not give him rights. As for child support -- until there is a court order, he is NOT REQUIRED to support this child. And a court order would mean that paternity with him had been established.

 

[moburkes]

Uh oh! I see the others typing...

You cannot arbitrarily take away his father's rights. You cannot put dad on BC without his permission. You will be required to name the father eventually, and the father can also get paternity established.

Stop playing games. The man didn't change, you just chose to ignore what he was like.

 

[CJane]

The man didn't change, you just chose to ignore what he was like.

Just as an aside. I know this is the 'party line' around here. But it's not always true. 90% of the time it is, but not ALL the time.

 

[taliaizgood]

My purpose for putting "father unknown" on the birth certificate isnt to take away his rights. But at the same time I dont think that I should be punished while he decides if he wants to act like a father. I dont have that luxuary. And as far as me "ignoring what he was like", I only saw what he allowed me to see. I may have misjudged his character but it wasnt because I didnt try to examine it in the first place. Sometimes people just are who they think you want them to be, until they dont care anymore. My concern is that knowing that he really CHOOSES not to be responsible and get a good job, should I CHOOSE to just deal or should I try to make things stable for my daughter to be? I will do what I can but i guess my insecurity is not knowing if that will be enough.

 

[moburkes]

What you aren't understanding is that as a father (legally established paternity) HE HAS THE RIGHT AND THE RESPONSIBILITY TO SUPPORT HIS CHILD AND SEE HIS CHILD. Some men do not exercise their visitation rights, but the law requires that they pay child support (with an order). Once you got pregnant by him, you gave up the right to make those decisions. Seriously, if you wanted to make those decisions, then you should have used a sperm bank.

How are YOU PUNISHED when he acts as a parent to his child? What "luxury" are you talking about?

 

[CJane]

My purpose for putting "father unknown" on the birth certificate isnt to take away his rights.

But the purpose for putting 'father unknown' should be when the father is... I dunno... UNKNOWN not just irresposible or inconvenient.

But at the same time I dont think that I should be punished while he decides if he wants to act like a father.

Putting his name on the BC (If you're even allowed to w/out his consent) doesn't give him any rights or responsibilities except the right to pursue visitation/custody through the courts once paternity is established via DNA or Affidavit.

should I try to make things stable for my daughter to be? I will do what I can but i guess my insecurity is not knowing if that will be enough.

How does making your daughter legally illegitimate = stability?

 

[LdiJ]

Since you are living in another state, its unlikely that he is going to be present at the hospital to sign the AOP. If he doesn't sign the AOP, he cannot be placed on the birth certificate.

Its not an issue of saying "father unknown", but more an issue of leaving that blank.

You can certainly make him make the effort to establish paternity. Its likely that it will eventually get established, one way or the other, however you don't have to go out of your way to establish it for him.

 

[nextwife]

Just as an aside. I know this is the 'party line' around here. But it's not always true. 90% of the time it is, but not ALL the time.

Yes, they may change over time, but RARELY change their whole character in a period of a few months!

Someone who was with their partner a few years before having kids is usually knowledgable about their coparent by then.

My parents had five years of marriage before they had their first child- and the marriage lasted. I knew hubby five years before marriage, and we were married two more years before we got pregnant- and we now have 11 GOOD years of marriage behind us. Our best friends were married nine years before first kids and are now married thirty fiive years (they were married young). My sib had five years of marriage before kids, and are now together over twenty years. I can go on- but if you make sure you have a COMMITTED relationship for a few years before kids, the odds of KNOWING the other parents character and successfully coparenting together is far greater.

 

[fairisfair]

yeah, well that is a beautiful story. But that is your story. It isn't that way for everyone. I was with my daughter's father for over 5 years before we had her. It only took a couple of months after he got involved with drugs for him to become a completely different person. Should I have been able to foresee that 5 years later, he would completely give up everything that was important to him, and spend the next 15 years in rat trap apartments, just looking for his next high? Even today, 15 years later, and now that he has cleaned up his act, he still wears the scars from his druggie days, and is not the same person that I originally planned a life with.

 

[CJane]

Yes, they may change over time, but RARELY change their whole character in a period of a few months!

Someone who was with their partner a few years before having kids is usually knowledgable about their coparent by then.

I was married to my ex-husband for 2 years before getting pregnant, and had known him for 5. Even he will admit that he changed overnight - the day the child was born.

He quite literally became an entirely different person than the man I married. We still worked at our marriage for another 8 years before calling it quits. And the day he filed for divorce (yes, THAT DAY) he changed again - found God, joined Promise Keepers, and immersed himself in the 'godly lifestyle'. This, from a man who'd attended church only on Holidays when his parents were in town for the past 10 years.

The day he got engaged? Yup changed again.

So yeah. People change. Sometimes drastically, and sometimes overnight.

 

[taliaizgood]

What you aren't understanding is that as a father (legally established paternity) HE HAS THE RIGHT AND THE RESPONSIBILITY TO SUPPORT HIS CHILD AND SEE HIS CHILD. Some men do not exercise their visitation rights, but the law requires that they pay child support (with an order). Once you got pregnant by him, you gave up the right to make those decisions. Seriously, if you wanted to make those decisions, then you should have used a sperm bank..

How are YOU PUNISHED when he acts as a parent to his child? What "luxury" are you talking about?

I can see where my lack of specifics may leave room for many areas where there could be a question about my motives. In my original statement, I stated that he was "getting in trouble, hanging around the wrong crowd". He is selling drugs and hanging around drug dealers. While I agree that "as a father, he has the right and responiblity to support and see his child, I dont know if this is in her best interest. The LUXURY im am talking about is deciding whether or not to get he will get his life together to raise her. He can decide he wont or he can decide he will- either way I made the CHOICE to have her and will be the best parent I can. The PUNISHMENT I am referring to is being limited to certain resources because his name is on the BC even though he may chose to not be a part of her life. You are assuming that he "will act like a parent to his child" and that all people who create life are ready to be parents. We all know this is not true. As far as using a SPERM BANK - my daughter was not planned. I decided to have this baby because abortion and adoption are not for me. I may have not made excellent decisions before getting pregnant but we all must start somewhere right. If I were going to outright "CHOSE" a father for my child-please believe that, knowing what I know NOW, it would not have been him. Nevertheless, I will not continue to dwell in the past. It wont help the future. My purpose of coming to this site was to gain other insight into a situation that I know nothing about-so, that being said, I actually appreciate yours and all the other comments. The only way to make well rounded decisions is to look at other points of view. Can I get some credit for at least trying to do that?

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Well let's see.

Fraud.
Filing a fraudlent document.
Federal criminal conspiracy.

shall I go on?

 

[taliaizgood]

This site is for gathering information and listening to different points of view in order to assist with making well informed decisions right? Ok. For a minute there I thought this was law and order. Just joshing- appreciate that information as well. I guess I need to be aware of those ramifications as well. Cant raise a kid from jail!

 

[fairisfair]

This site is for gathering information and listening to different points of view in order to assist with making well informed decisions right? Ok. For a minute there I thought this was law and order. Just joshing- appreciate that information as well. I guess I need to be aware of those ramifications as well. Cant raise a kid from jail!

Most states require that the father sign an Acknowledgment of Paternity in order for his name to be put on the birth certificate. Most likely, you will just be leaving that space blank. In the event that either you or the father later establishes paternity, the court will order that the certificate be amended.