Step-Daughters Mom Not Good Mom Any Advice Welcome

What is the name of your state? Maine

Here's my story. My step-daughter's mother is a difficult woman to deal with and has been since I first started dating my husband 2 and half years ago. My husband use to get to see his daughter every weekend and pretty much any time he had time off from work. His ex finally got a job (she hadn't had one in at least 2 years that I know of) and wanted to started keeping his daughter home every other weekend because she wouldn't see her as much and that was fine. The problem is that this woman is in no way what a mother should be to a child. She uses the child to get money from my husband and the state, she's even said to my husband that all he is is a pay check and she also uses the child to show off. She expects my husband and his family to pretty much drop everything they are doing for her when she wants them to come and pick up my step-daughter because she wants to go shopping or has had a bad day (yes, these are real excuses from her) when they can't she gets mad. In cases with my husband she will ge mad at him and immediately start yelling at him, telling him he's a dead beat dad and that he doesn't spend enough time with his daughter and lays out every guilt trip she can think of. Lately the instances of her getting mad at everything have gotten worse, especially since just before we got married about 2 and half weeks ago. This woman drinks excessively and I would consider her to be an alcoholic, he boyfriend in currently in jail for the second time in about a year and a half, she is also a partier and smokes majuana regularly. Anytime anyone has been to her house to either pick up my sep-daughter or drop her off, whether it be my husband, or his parents, they only ever see her mother screaming at her for every little thing she does and she never shows any affection towards the child. This little girl is 5 years old and will be starting kindergarten in about a week. She has many times told us she doesn't want to go home when it's time for us to take her back to her mothers. Lately she's been doing it every single time it's time to take her home. Her behavior has been getting worse since her mother's attitude towards us and my husbands family has gotten worse so it's obviously that what she is doing is affecting my step-daughter. My husband and I have been working on taking his ex to court to try and fight for primary custody or atleast get some kind of schedule for this child court order especially because he mother's way of punishing her or punishing my husband is to not allow the child to see each other. Unfortunatley mom has beat us the punch with court. She has told my husband and his mother that she is taking him to court to get more child support (he pays the child medical insurance, half of child care and also pay $100 a week in general child support, we also always buy the child's new clothes, shoes, jackets, etc. because her mother can't seem to provide those adequately for her eventhough she has a new digital camer, bed, and bedroom set just in this year alone) and also says that she is going to tell the court that he has to take her every weekend (which we use to have anyway and want), all of his vacations and also that he cannot take his child out of state and neither can his parents, she also wants to regulate how much the child goes to my husband's parents house. This woman's family has barely ever helped her out when us, my huband's parents, and my husbands grandparents have bent over backwards for her and all she does is treat all of us and her own daughter like dirt. The first court date is for September 11. My husband and his mother are meeting with a lawyer today (I was unable to make it to this because of work), but I am looking for any advice that anyone can give me on this case. We would like to at least get primary custody or joint (50/50) custody of this little girl as we can see for ourselves that her behavior and attitude is 100% better when she is with us than when her mother is around. Her summer camp she goes to has recently called her mother to pick her up early because of her disruptive behavior, her behavior is never that bad with us. I have been keeping tack of when my step-daughter has been at our house or my husbands parents and grandparents houses for the past almost year, we have record of all the child support and clothing and everything that has been paid to her mother or bought for her and I also make note of every time my husbands ex has been rude and down right mean to either him or his parents and also anything questionable that my step-daughter has said to us or that we have found out. This woman currently has no license because of a second OUI conviction and driving on a suspended license (while her daughter was in the car, with the suspensd license conviction, not the OUI). If there's anything else that anyone thinks I should keep record of or any advice you can give that you think might help or maybe you've been in a similar case and can just tell me your story, that would be greatly appreciated. I just hate having to take this little girl home, knowing she'd rather stay with my husband, my daughter and I where she gets love and support. It breaks my heart as it does every one else in the family.

I'm not soliciting sob stories, I'm looking for advice so that we can go into this fully prepared. I have been looking on this site for a couple of hours now and haven't found much info, especially in my state. Thank you for the advice, though.

[bugsmom18]

I made it through most of your post but it would be MUCH easier to read if you broke it up into paragraphs.

I don't think there is much you can do about things - except maybe the mom driving under suspension w/daughter. And even that (given the one situation I'm familiar with) will just restrict her from driving the child anywhere while not licensed.

NOT LEGAL ADVICE: I am involved in a very similar situation and have found the best thing to do (besides documenting everything you have been) is to do what's best for the child WHEN YOU HAVE THEM. You can't control what mom does and never will. And actually, WE as step-parents do not have any legal rights at all or any say in how the child's life is. I just keep documenting everything for the day that mom screws up in a big way (which, given enough rope, will most likely happen).

So in my own case, I don't let my actions with the child be influenced by anything mom does. I do whatever it takes to get along with mom (go out of my way to be friendly, etc). It hurts to take the child home when you know they don't want go but you can only control what happens on your (or actually your DH's) time. Make the best of it. Give your stepDD your love, patience and time and step back and let dad worry about the rest (or step in ONLY when he asks you to).

Being a step-parent is very hard, especially when dealing with an ex. When I deal with my DH's ex, I picture my SD beside me and make sure I always conduct myself in a way that will not hurt her (SD).

[bmaebell]

First and foremost, I would advise your husband get an attorney. If money is a problem, there are usually cheaper attorneys who can set up a payment plan for you - or you could check with your state bar association.

From what I understand, your husband doesn't have visitation court ordered. You need to have that to enforce any sort of visitation.

Records are good. Keep records of everything. Child support paid, gifts bought, visitation time exercised, everything. If mom sends dad emails or letters, save those. Keep copies of emails/letters he sends to her.

In regards to mom driving while DL is suspended, the problem your husband faces there is he has to PROVE she does it.

[Silverplum]

Excellent post, bugsmom!

Originally Posted by bugsmom18

I made it through your post but it would be MUCH easier to read if you broke it up into paragraphs. I think I have the gist of your story and frankly, I don't think there is much you can do about things - except maybe the mom driving under suspension w/daughter. And even that (given the one situation I'm familiar with) will just restrict her from driving the child anywhere while not licensed.

NOT LEGAL ADVICE: I am involved in a very similar situation and have found the best thing to do (besides documenting everything you have been) is to do what's best for the child WHEN YOU HAVE THEM. You can't control what mom does and never will. And actually, WE as step-parents do not have any legal rights at all or any say in how the child's life is. I just keep documenting everything for the day that mom screws up in a big way (which, given enough rope, will most likely happen).

So in my own case, I don't let my actions with the child be influenced by anything mom does. I do whatever it takes to get along with mom (go out of my way to be friendly, etc). It hurts to take the child home when you know they don't want go but you can only control what happens on your (or actually your DH's) time. Make the best of it. Give your stepDD your love, patience and time and step back and let dad worry about the rest (or step in ONLY when he asks you to).

Being a step-parent is very hard, especially when dealing with an ex. When I deal with my DH's ex, I picture my SD beside me and make sure I always conduct myself in a way that will not hurt her (SD).

Sorry, my post was a bit long and carried on but this whole situation has exhausted my husband and I and his parents and I just get a bit emotional when talking about it.

It's really hard to have two children, my bio-daughter and my step-daughter, and watch one have loving home at our house and a loving home when she visit her dad who has only been in her life the last 2 years (she's 7) and then watch the other having a loving home the short time she is able to be with us and a far from loving one when she goes home to her mother who she spends the most time with.

It sounds like you have a very similar case, with the whole waiting until moms screws up big time thing (that's the same thing we keep saying). I have done what you said and always been pleasant to her and even when she's been rude to me or said pretty hateful things about me to my ex. My ex also holds his composure with her now, he use to yell back (when no kids were present) but realized that that was getting him nowhere and wasn't really the right thing to be doing because two wrongs don't make a right. Right now we just keep track of everything mom does and take the child whenever possible even when moms calls up last minute, because we feel the more time she is with us the better off she is.

My husband does have a court date coming Sept. 11, as his ex filed for one, and he is going to a consultation with a lawyer today because he feels it is in his best interest and the best interest of this child for him to have a lawyer in this case so that he can get as many of his rights as he has.

As a step-parents I do know that I have really no rights to this child and cannot really fight for anything but I have been involved and will say involved in all of this as much as I can because I feel I owe to this little girl and my husband also wants me involved and really needs my support. It's just really hard watching what goes on with this little girl and having people tell us that nothing can be done unless she's being physically or sexual abused or she's being neglected. Her mother does just enough to not get in trouble for any of that. I just don't understand how these courts can allow children to stay in these homes when they obviously have a more loving home with their other parent and the child obviously does not want to live with the parent they are currently with.

I am hoping at the least that once this court thing is all said and done and there is a court order schedule for my step-daughters mother to follow that she'll pull her "you can't see your daughter because you won't give me more money than I need" crap and we can actually get her in trouble for this stuff. Right now we can't do anything when she uses that as punishment for my husband not giving in to her or as punishment to the child for bad behavior.

It's a very stressful situation for all of us and even my daughter, who's 7, picks up on the immaturity of, my husbands ex and we try our best to not let the children hear anything that goes on but when you live in a 2 bedroom, open concept, single level apartment it'd hard for the kids not to hear her screaming over the phone or hear the rather ignorant messages she leaves on our answering machine.

[moburkes]

Is there a question in there somewhere? Or, are you simply looking for some moral support?

My question was if people had any advice for me or could suggest anything else that my husband and I could do inthis case and yes, moral support and hearing from people with similar stories is a help.

[Blue Meanie]

Originally Posted by MammaOfGirls

My question was if people had any advice for me or could suggest anything else that my husband and I could do inthis case and yes, moral support and hearing from people with similar stories is a help.

He is doing what he is supposed to do...going to court. As for you...There is nothing for you to do as you are not a parent to the child.

[Silverplum]

This is a legal info site, not an emotional support site.

And the question/s you ask are so unbelievably common. Why should we type it all out over and over and over again?

Here's a link. Scroll down to "Maine Divorce Overview." Read. [url]http://www.divorcesource.com/ME/index.shtml[/url]

[bmaebell]

Originally Posted by MammaOfGirls

My question was if people had any advice for me or could suggest anything else that my husband and I could do inthis case and yes, moral support and hearing from people with similar stories is a help.

Be supportive of your husband. I'm also a (soon-to-be) step-parent, and while I can't do anything legally-related, I can help him with behind-the-scenes stuff. I help him keep records, organize paperwork (NOT fill out paperwork), think of ideas, and I ask around - like you and so many others do on this site. Love him and love his child, and try to stay amicable with mom.

Why does everybody think I ma just looking for what I can personally do, this is my step-daughter, meaning I am married to her father and any advice I am given is going to obviously be passed on to him. Excuse me if I said I, I meant we. I know, as I said before, that I personally have no legal rights to this child but my husband does and any valid advice I get some someone on here will be passed on to him.

Some of you don't seem to get the idea of a supportive relationship and for some reason feel the need to keep informing me that I can do nothing and have no rights to this child. The reason my husband has records of visitation time with his daughter, records of indcidents with his ex, and records of anything else we felt valid to record are because of me. Getting all of his child support records, clothing bought, etc. all in order and everything highlighted is because of me so there are things I can do and I refuse to just sit back and watch this poor man get stressed about this on his own without helping. As far as I am concerned I have two daughters the whether they are biological or step they are still my daughters and I love them both the same and will do whatever I can to make sure they are healthy and happy. Right now I have one healthy and happy daughter and one healthy but mostly unhappy daughter, and eventhough I legally can do nothing I can at least make sure I help her father do what it right for her.

So, let me rephrase my question so that some of you can understand: Is there any advice that anyone can give me to pass along to my husband on my husbands case that I decribed above and if any of you have a similar story, especially if in the state of Maine, I would love to hear about it so that maybe I can give my husband an idea fo what he is up against and what to expect.

[Blue Meanie]

Originally Posted by bmaebell

Be supportive of your husband. I'm also a (soon-to-be) step-parent, and while I can't do anything legally-related, I can help him with behind-the-scenes stuff. I help him keep records, organize paperwork (NOT fill out paperwork), think of ideas, and I ask around - like you and so many others do on this site. Love him and love his child, and try to stay amicable with mom.

Exactly! Good advice.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by MammaOfGirls

Is there any advice that anyone can give me to pass along to my husband on my husbands case that I decribed above and if any of you have a similar story, especially if in the state of Maine, I would love to hear about it so that maybe I can give my husband an idea fo what he is up against and what to expect.

I already gave you info in Post 11.

Originally Posted by bmaebell

Be supportive of your husband. I'm also a (soon-to-be) step-parent, and while I can't do anything legally-related, I can help him with behind-the-scenes stuff. I help him keep records, organize paperwork (NOT fill out paperwork), think of ideas, and I ask around - like you and so many others do on this site. Love him and love his child, and try to stay amicable with mom.

Thank you, that is what I am trying to do, though some people who have commented on her don't seem to realize that there is things I can do.

To silverplum or whatever your name is I'm not necessarily looking for emotional support. I am looking for any legal advice I can pass along to my husband and also stories from people in similar cases that can maybe give me and what to expect in this case and let my husband know what to expect in this case. I plan to accompany my husband to as many court dates and meetings with his lawyer as I can in this whole case, even if all I can do is wait outside because it saddens me to see what is going on with this little girl as it does everyone else in our family. I have also explored every inch of the Maine web site on laws pertaining to parental rights and even looked the website you suggested above and have all this information printed off and read. I know what my husbands basic rights are to his daughter but we are first and foremost going for primary custody of this child so that she lives with us and visits her mother because that would be am uch better situation for her to be in.

I'm looking for advide on things we should keep track of that may help with my husband getting primary custody and any stories from people who were in a similar situation, especially if in the state of Maine.