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Stepmom does not want to care for stepkids while husband is not home. HELP!

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Karrie

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I'm the stepmom. And I consider myself to be a "seasoned" stepmom having raised a stepdaughter from a previous marriage. I divorced and remarried and have 2 more stepchildren, a stepson 15, and a stepdaughter 12. My husband has visitation with his children every other weekend; ex wife is the primary parent. As a stepparent, I get along great with my stepchildren. However, my husband hates his ex wife and his ex wife is spiteful and mean-spirited; it's a vicious circle which enables my stepchildren to lie and manipulate both parents for their personal gain. As of late though, it seems to be happening more frequently; the children are pitting their parents against each other and, of course, the ex wife believes everything they say. Because of that; and that the ex wife changed her cell phone # and is withholding it from my husband and calling him from their children's phones instead - I am not comfortable caring for my stepchildren while my husband is out of town on business. Ex wife is scorned because she believes I'm the "cause of their family break-up" and there is a current restraining order against both me and her! I can only contact her in case of emergency, which is totally fine by me. She says I became "babysitter" the day my husband married me. If that's the case, I should be able to have every possible contact number for her as any babysitter would expect, to be used as a last resort, right? Additionally, I still have 2 male adult children living in the home who she does not want my stepchildren to be alone with. As I type this, I'm thinking, "wow, someone's going to wonder why the mother feels the way she does" and I can't help but feel that this puts me and my adult children in a bad light, but I assure everyone, this is nothing short of mean-spiritedness by the ex wife and the attempts of a scorned woman to make life difficult for my husband and to make him pay for divorcing her. Lastly, I can't help but remember that while married to her, the ex wife felt it was inappropriate for my husband to launder his daughter's under garments. That was instilled into the ex wife as a child by her mother. So, all of this together, the deception, the lies, the potential for lies, makes me now afraid of caring for my stepkids when my husband is not home for his visitation. Does anyone have any experience with this? What can I do? What should I do?
 


wileybunch

Senior Member
The children are their mother's and father's responsibility, period. Whether you care for the kids or not is between your husband and you. If you're not comfortable and don't want to, tell your husband that and don't do it. Mom can't compel you to. In fact, that's the silliest thing I've heard in a while that the ex would dictate to the new wife -- who she apparently despises -- that she must "babysit" the kids. Swing a wide berth if you need to. Maybe the other adults will find a way to settle down once you're removed from their silliness.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
The children are their mother's and father's responsibility, period. Whether you care for the kids or not is between your husband and you. If you're not comfortable and don't want to, tell your husband that and don't do it. Mom can't compel you to. In fact, that's the silliest thing I've heard in a while that the ex would dictate to the new wife -- who she apparently despises -- that she must "babysit" the kids. Swing a wide berth if you need to. Maybe the other adults will find a way to settle down once you're removed from their silliness.
wow. i agree.

you are not mom's babysitter. jeez. that woman needs a bit straightening out. okay, my bad. more then a bit.

if you don't want to, you are not legally required to.
 

mommyof4

Senior Member
Ha!

I do believe that if I were the reluctant care taker, I would be telling Dad (I would say both parents, but there is a RO) that I will be unavailable on the dates that I am expected to care for the children.

Mom and Dad can figure it out. They created the kids. They can handle the child care.;)

(See? This is the flip side of step parents have no legal rights. They have no legal responisibility, either.)


Have fun on your time. (that would be the weekends when you are expected to keep the kids)
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I'm the stepmom. And I consider myself to be a "seasoned" stepmom having raised a stepdaughter from a previous marriage. I divorced and remarried and have 2 more stepchildren, a stepson 15, and a stepdaughter 12. My husband has visitation with his children every other weekend; ex wife is the primary parent. As a stepparent, I get along great with my stepchildren. However, my husband hates his ex wife and his ex wife is spiteful and mean-spirited; it's a vicious circle which enables my stepchildren to lie and manipulate both parents for their personal gain. As of late though, it seems to be happening more frequently; the children are pitting their parents against each other and, of course, the ex wife believes everything they say. Because of that; and that the ex wife changed her cell phone # and is withholding it from my husband and calling him from their children's phones instead - I am not comfortable caring for my stepchildren while my husband is out of town on business. Ex wife is scorned because she believes I'm the "cause of their family break-up" and there is a current restraining order against both me and her! I can only contact her in case of emergency, which is totally fine by me. She says I became "babysitter" the day my husband married me. If that's the case, I should be able to have every possible contact number for her as any babysitter would expect, to be used as a last resort, right? Additionally, I still have 2 male adult children living in the home who she does not want my stepchildren to be alone with. As I type this, I'm thinking, "wow, someone's going to wonder why the mother feels the way she does" and I can't help but feel that this puts me and my adult children in a bad light, but I assure everyone, this is nothing short of mean-spiritedness by the ex wife and the attempts of a scorned woman to make life difficult for my husband and to make him pay for divorcing her. Lastly, I can't help but remember that while married to her, the ex wife felt it was inappropriate for my husband to launder his daughter's under garments. That was instilled into the ex wife as a child by her mother. So, all of this together, the deception, the lies, the potential for lies, makes me now afraid of caring for my stepkids when my husband is not home for his visitation. Does anyone have any experience with this? What can I do? What should I do?
Though you might be criticized for feeling the way you do having known that your husband had children and prior obligations (iow you knew what you were getting into), I can't help but commend you for posting this.

You know your limits and you're able to actually admit that you're not comfortable - that's (unfortunately) not common. Honesty is so critical to any relationship - be it parent-child, spouse-spouse, spouse-child, any variation therein - and it's refreshing to see.

Other more seasoned responders (three of whom have already answered) may have more of an idea how to deal with this on a practical level.
 

AkersTile

Member
OP~ You said that there is an RO between you and Mom, if so, how are drop-offs/pick-ups done on Dad's weekends when he is out of town? If you and Mom have to exchange kiddos then it could be considered violation of RO. Just a thought. might be a loophole to help you out.
 
Does Mom know you there by yourself with the kids?
Is that her issue at all maybe?
Does Dad know how you feel and ask you to watch them because he rather them in your house than hers?
But if Dad is out of town have him email her when he wont be there so she is aware the kids will not be at your home that time!
 
OP~ You said that there is an RO between you and Mom, if so, how are drop-offs/pick-ups done on Dad's weekends when he is out of town? If you and Mom have to exchange kiddos then it could be considered violation of RO. Just a thought. might be a loophole to help you out.

IS the RO on both of you against both of you???
 

Karrie

Junior Member
Ex wife filed a RO against me, but in court the judge turned it around to include her! It's a nonCLETS RO which means if she decided she didn't like that I'm at my stepdaughter's basketball game, she has to take it up in court, law enforcement won't enforce it. And our RO is for no communication with each other via person-to-person, phone, email, or letter, except for cases of emergencies. So our drop-offs/pick-ups are pretty much protected.

Yes, ex wife knows the children would be alone with me. And because she despises me so, I believe it's her way of trying to burden me. And yes, my husband knows how I feel, but unfortunately for him, my position causes him added grief as he now has to contend with finding another source of childcare that would be agreeable to ex wife. There in lies the problem. - I never meant to take away my support to this length.

Just got word that my husband tried reasoning with his ex wife again, and she reports that my stepkids are telling her that I yell at them. Completely untrue! I've never raised my voice at them, even when I was fit to be tied. This is exactly the kind of lies and manupulations I was trying to protect myself from! Ex wife is so full of herself, taking no responsibility for her part of co-parenting and seems to be enjoying the strife she's causing my husband, while my husband is so sick and tired of it all he's about ready to give up; "They don't want to visit me because my xbox is broken and my wife suggests they read a book? FINE!"
 

Karrie

Junior Member
Per husband's court order, in the event a parent can not care for their children during their parenting time, he/she must notify the other parent as soon as possible. - My husband has given his ex wife 4 weeks written notice. Ex wife replied "Sorry, got plans. Make your wife babysit." (As a matter of fact, the 4 times my husband had to do that in the last 3.5yrs (for work), ex wife had out of town plans. And one time she was nearly unavailable until my husband offered to pay her (in addition to child support). Go figure.) Anyway, what if after the notice, and no childcare agreeable to ex wife was available, no one is there to pick up the kids? What would happen? What would be ex wife's recourse?
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I'm wondering why. at the ages of 12 & 15, these children even need anything called "childcare". Perhaps some type of adult supervision (and not even 24/7) where an adult knows where they are, who with and what they're doing. At those ages, my two were more than capable of being more or less on their own during the day, doing their own laundry and/or prepping their own breakfast/lunch (and sometimes dinner).

Seriously - how onerous can "caring" for them be? (Not faulting you for how you feel, given Mom's - and Dad's - issues, but... it just doesn't make sense to me.)
 

Karrie

Junior Member
Why don't you go to work and let him be home to watch his kids?
Because it's my husband who has to travel out of town for work. I'm off and am able to care for the kids, but I'm uncomfortable about it and I'm protesting at the moment. :mad:

I'm wondering why. at the ages of 12 & 15, these children even need anything called "childcare". Perhaps some type of adult supervision (and not even 24/7) where an adult knows where they are, who with and what they're doing. At those ages, my two were more than capable of being more or less on their own during the day, doing their own laundry and/or prepping their own breakfast/lunch (and sometimes dinner).

Seriously - how onerous can "caring" for them be? (Not faulting you for how you feel, given Mom's - and Dad's - issues, but... it just doesn't make sense to me.)
I couldn't agree with you more. I raised 4 older boys on that same concept. However, my husband has the ex wife factor to deal with ...

1. Ex wife thinks they need childcare for the consecutive 48hrs my husband and I are not available.
2. I have 2 male adult children still in the home that she doesn't want her kids to be left alone with.
3. And perhaps they could still be in my home without me "caring" for them per say, but then I wouldn't feel I could come and go as I please and do my own thing with them there. And the point of all this was to distance myself from my lying and manipulating BEAUTIFUL stepkids.

I love my stepkids, I really do. Even if they don't like me for juvenile reasons. But I'm just not too thrilled with them at the moment.
 

>Charlotte<

Lurker
Visitation is a right, not an obligation. Visitation does not exist to "give Mom a break" every other week, it exists so that a parent has regularly scheduled time to maintain a relationship with his children. If he's unavailable on any given weekend, he does NOT owe it to Mom to "find a babysitter" because she has plans. And you certainly aren't obligated to babysit under any circumstances.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
And why does it have to be "agreeable " with ex wife. If he finds a competent adult to keep the kids then do it.


If he is going out of town the whole weekend I say he doesn't need to pick up the kids.


Since he is giving her a chance for FROF it kinda doesn't give her a place to argue about a sitter.
Visitation is a right, not an obligation. Visitation does not exist to "give Mom a break" every other week, it exists so that a parent has regularly scheduled time to maintain a relationship with his children. If he's unavailable on any given weekend, he does NOT owe it to Mom to "find a babysitter" because she has plans. And you certainly aren't obligated to babysit under any circumstances.
If he has JOINT CUSTODY he is responsible for his children on his time. Visitation is a right not an obligation. CUSTODY is an obligation. He is responsible for insuring that his children are taken care of during his time. That does NOT mean that stepmom is obligated to watch them. Just that dad is obligated -- if he has joint physical custody -- to make sure that his children are taken care of during his time.

Visitation is different than joint physical custody in that regard. So does dad have joint physical custody or does mom have full physical custody? If it is shared parenting with mom being primary then dad has joint physical custody and dad is responsible for the children every other weekend during his court ordered time.
 

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