I'm going to try and answer everyone in one post.
I do punish him, I don't let him celebrate. But he does not care, he gets free time from dad, he takes his punishment, it's better then going to dads. The next time he goes his treatment by dad is far worse, he don't care though, he got free time from dad. It's all worth it to him, he will take the punishment. I don't allow him to throw temper tantrums, he does and I deal with them. I don't allow his million excuses why he can't go to dads either. I have had to talk to his school, cause he is in the office every other week before dads visit, sick. He's not sick, although he has at times made himself throw up. I make him stay at school, I talk him through it. If I were to go get him, then he has his way, then to him, I should call dad and tell him he is to sick to go.
I'm not trying to rescue him, I'm trying to teach him right from wrong, how to cope with what he is dealing with.
We have 2 children, a 10 year old girl and a 12 year old boy. She is not treated the same as he is. She does not have the issues he does with going, she is not treated the same. She's not the same child as the 12 year old.
She actually worries me more then the 12 year old, he actually knows what is what, she does not. Dad is perfect to her, everything dad tells is the truth. What it boils down to is I am the one she has the problems with, dad is the one that our son has the problems with. I can fix the problems with her and I, I can't fix the problems between our son and him.
Dad tells them everything, and everything is his distorted version. Dad has made them pick and choose sides, she picks his and our son picks me. I can't put on her all the things that went on during the marriage and the 8 years since.
Dad only has holiday time till Christmas eve at 9pm. So both children will be in my home Christmas day. Our daughter is getting christmas time with dad, she will get presents, our son is not. Dad screamed at him last night, that he won't get his presents now at all. So am I now suppose to ban him from Christmas at my home to, only allow our daughter to participate?
I've done every punishment, I have banned him from special occassions, I've taken everything away from him. It makes no difference, I can't top what he feels he is getting at dads home. He will take his punishment, he got a free time away from dads house. Dad can't even top his own punishment, as our son knows full well, it will be worse at dads next time he goes, but he got a free weekend off from dad. It's a reward to him, nothing I do has changed on how he sees that.
I can ban him from Christmas, not give him any gifts, he already is on chore duty, grounded, lost TV, game deck which really matters little to him anyways. He loves sitting in his room reading, that is his favorite, that is now gone, no books, no reading. That to him is the worst that I can do. But he will gladly give it up, for a free time from dads.
This has been what I have done for 8 years, these problems have been there from the start. He throws such a spell at drop offs, that the police have been called numerous times. Our drop off location is in a public place, court ordered. People call when then hear the mess that goes on, they see someone dragging a child out of a car. Police show up, make a report, it's on record that dad refuses to take him when he throws his spells. I use to be able to just pick him up, and then I would have to hold him down and strap him into dads car. He's much bigger then I am now.
Dad's filed numerous contempts against me for the child not going. I've not been found once to be in contempt. I take both children, I have receipts that I was there, I have a 3rd party witness in my car, the one child goes, the other does not.
Court ordered a public place and ordered that I take a 3rd party with me, it's for my safety. Court ordered that we must get receipts everytime from the public place, to prove we were there. Dad was not showing to his weeknight, and then said I was not showing. Then of course this crap with our son not going. I have numerous police reports from the pick up spot. Dad is ordered to not bring a 3rd party, that caused problems. We are both ordered to do all pick ups and drop offs, we can't use 3rd parties, thanks to dads 3rd party mess. I am ordered to not bring my other son to pick ups and drop offs, as dad will start with that child. Instead of punishing dad for it, I have been banned to take the child with me, it's for my sons safety.
We have a very detailed order, it of course didn't start out that way, but everything becomes a huge issue with dad. We can't deviate from the order, unless it is in writing, with both of us dating and signing it, then it must be mailed to FOC. We never deviate cause dad won't agree to anything anyways. He will deviate on his own, but then I won't do his deviation. The Judge made it clear if I do, I to will be found in contempt. We just recently have been ordered to do no communication by phone, as that leads to verbal attacks from dad to me, the reason of the phone communication is ignored by dad, and a verbal attack is done. We already have ordered to do no communicating at pick ups and drop offs, but dad does anyways, I ignore it and walk away, he usually runs over to me car and beats on my window and verbal attacks. Dad lost his joint legal on medical decisions, dad is ordered to not go to the children's school, although he still has joint legal decision making in that area. Dad's not allowed to change the children's physical appearance. It's one thing after another.
My son throws no other tantrums, he copes with everything else in his life.
I do really appreciate everyone's postings, more have posted while I typed this, I will read them to.