Transportation to and from custodial visits

[troubledstepmom]

What is the name of your state? TN

My husband has a child from a previous marriage. The mother of the child has full custody, and the father (my husband) has visitation. I (stepmom) transport the child to and from visits most of the time due to my husband's schedule. I have been doing so for 4 years without incident. About a month ago, the mother and I had words in a public parking lot. There was no one else present. I assure you this was only words. There was no yelling, no screaming, no cursing, no threats, no physical contact whatsoever. After the custodial visit immediately following this incident, I took the child home. She came out of the house and to my vehicle and proceeded to start an argument in front of her child and my 19 month old son. I never got out of the car. I politely asked her to please close my car door so that I could leave. The child later called me in tears because his mother had screamed at him for 2 hours claiming he needed to show her some loyalty. On the next visit, I was with my husband when he picked up the child, and the child told us that his mother went ballistic because I was in the car. She told the child she would have me arrested for tresspassing and get a restraining order against me. Can she do this ?? She also told the child "she was going to get a shotgun and shoot me if I ever returned to pick up or drop off the child. Does the mother have any say so about who picks up and drops of the child for custodial visits ? The child and I are pretty close and he is extremely uspet about this situation.

 

[Ohiogal]

Mom can't dictate but if you know that you picking up and dropping off the child is troubling to the situation, why persist?

 

[troubledstepmom]

My husband works about 60 miles away from our home and also the child's home. He would either be extremely late picking up the child at the court appointed time, and also have to return the child home several hours early. The child doesn't want to go home early. In fact, he doesn't want to go home at all. Him and his dad are extremely close. They speak on the phone every day. The child would LOVE to live with his dad and me, however he is absolutely terrified of his mother and how she would react if she knew he wanted to live with us.

 

[Ohiogal]

My husband works about 60 miles away from our home and also the child's home. He would either be extremely late picking up the child at the court appointed time, and also have to return the child home several hours early. The child doesn't want to go home early. In fact, he doesn't want to go home at all. Him and his dad are extremely close. They speak on the phone every day. The child would LOVE to live with his dad and me, however he is absolutely terrified of his mother and how she would react if she knew he wanted to live with us.

Well mom cannot dictate. The court order dictates. The law dictates. But mom cannot. Something needs to give. Your stepson sounds like he is torn between two parents. Parents at war do not help matters. neither do stepparents who fued with parents. What is best for the child?

 

[Supermomma]

My husband works about 60 miles away from our home and also the child's home. He would either be extremely late picking up the child at the court appointed time, and also have to return the child home several hours early. The child doesn't want to go home early. In fact, he doesn't want to go home at all. Him and his dad are extremely close. They speak on the phone every day. The child would LOVE to live with his dad and me, however he is absolutely terrified of his mother and how she would react if she knew he wanted to live with us.

Why not change the order so that time is more accomodating for dads time and let him pickup dropoff child?

 

[Zephyr]

how often are these pickups? 2x per month? 4x? how old is the child? do mom and dad live in the same school district?

 

[CJane]

Are the drop offs/pick ups at residences or in public?

Why are you 'having words' with the step-mother? I haven't spoken to my children's step-mother in more than 18 months. It's been GLORIOUS. And she is occasionally in my presence. It's exceedingly easy to not speak to, approach, or otherwise engage with her.

Gawd, I rarely speak to my superex at exchanges. If he wants to speak to me, or I him, the telephone is available. I see no need to have any but the most cursory of conversations in front of the children. Ever.

 

[StampGirl]

Why are you having any words at all with this woman????

I agree with CJane!! Having NO words at all with my Ex on exchanges is awesome

Personally, if Mom has issues with you being there then back off. Have your husband try to modify the court order so that exchange times can be more convienent for him. I did that when I started working. Wasn't that hard.

 

[angelmama]

Not really legal advice..but from this point on I would refuse to speak to Mom about anything other than basic info as in..yes, he ate dinner already, or his head felt a little warm today. Just the most basic info. Enjoy time with your SS, but realize that Dad got himself into this mess and he's the one who should have to deal with it. Let Dad deal with her...save yourself the aggravation. If you want the URL for a great SM site..PM me. GL!

 

[majomom1]

Well mom cannot dictate. The court order dictates. The law dictates. But mom cannot. Something needs to give. Your stepson sounds like he is torn between two parents. Parents at war do not help matters. neither do stepparents who fued with parents. What is best for the child?

Yep, something needs to give.

Step mom has been driving for 4 years? I do not believe that Mom suddenly went balistic after all this time, for no reason. Something happened during that exchange and maybe step mom could simply apologize and try to smooth things over. If it fixes the situation, it is well worth it and helps your husband tremendously.

 

[CLBKLCDTB]

What is the name of your state? TN

My husband has a child from a previous marriage. The mother of the child has full custody, and the father (my husband) has visitation. I (stepmom) transport the child to and from visits most of the time due to my husband's schedule. I have been doing so for 4 years without incident. About a month ago, the mother and I had words in a public parking lot. There was no one else present. I assure you this was only words. There was no yelling, no screaming, no cursing, no threats, no physical contact whatsoever. After the custodial visit immediately following this incident, I took the child home. She came out of the house and to my vehicle and proceeded to start an argument in front of her child and my 19 month old son. I never got out of the car. I politely asked her to please close my car door so that I could leave. The child later called me in tears because his mother had screamed at him for 2 hours claiming he needed to show her some loyalty. On the next visit, I was with my husband when he picked up the child, and the child told us that his mother went ballistic because I was in the car. She told the child she would have me arrested for tresspassing and get a restraining order against me. Can she do this ?? She also told the child "she was going to get a shotgun and shoot me if I ever returned to pick up or drop off the child.

Does the mother have any say so about who picks up and drops of the child for custodial visits ? The child and I are pretty close and he is extremely uspet about this situation.

My main focus is on the bold part above....

In my divorce order it is stated that pick up and drop off of our son, is to be by MOM and DAD only.

If my ex shows up to pick up our son and his new female is with him...so be it, However if his new female ( or anyone other than him) shows up to pick up my son he would not go.
I would simply say "let his father know when he is ready to pick up his son, call me and I'll have him ready"

I would never send anyone in MY place. If anything I would talk directly to dad and see if there is something that can be worked out.
So far this has worked for us.

I will say as well is, you do not say what you had words about, and truthfully it doesn't matter.
This is not your child. Untill you and mom can come to terms with eachother as two adults, you should be the bigger person and step back from the situation.
Tell your husband that you prefer not to do the pick up and drop off. Let him do it himself. In addition why rub salt on an open wound? Would it really have killed you to stay home when he went to pick up his child.

I will also say think what (you said) mom said to the child, is wrong.

 

[haiku]

eh....Life happens, I think restricting pick up to just mom and dad can cause major pain in the butt problems down the road...If the person is a known person/member of the parents household that you know comes in your ex's stead.....just hand the kid over...

Now to the OP...I have been a step mom for almost 10 years now....My husbands ex is a hosebeast...BUT I have never ever had any sorts of "words" with her beyond..."heres thier stuff"....If you know someone is unpleasant, DON'T engage...bite your tongue drop/pick up kids and GO!

Now that there is anomosity....you need to lay low for a while....don't be in her vicinty until things cool off...If these means an inconvenience to DAD, so what....the lack of pressure on the CHILD will be well worth THAT...

After some time you can ease back into the more comfortable arrangment most likely....

 

[penelope10]

Why are you having any words at all with this woman????

I agree with CJane!! Having NO words at all with my Ex on exchanges is awesome

Personally, if Mom has issues with you being there then back off. Have your husband try to modify the court order so that exchange times can be more convienent for him. I did that when I started working. Wasn't that hard.

Agreed--and personally I would not want this child or an infant involved in something that could turn ugly. Your husband can have the order modified. Until then I would stay out of the picture especially if someone made threats of physical violence and was upsetting the child.

I do find it interesting that exchanges were made between you and she for about 4 years in a civil manner before this. Obviously something happened to stir up this hornet's nest.

 

[CJane]

eh....Life happens, I think restricting pick up to just mom and dad can cause major pain in the butt problems down the road...If the person is a known person/member of the parents household that you know comes in your ex's stead.....just hand the kid over...

Yup. MY order says specifically "Mother should pick up the children at Father's residence at the beginning of her parenting time and Father should pick up the children at Mother's residence at the beginning of his parenting time."

But ya know what? Anytime his wife (who, much like your ex's wife is a total hosebeast) showed up to get the kids, I let her. Why wouldn't I? Sure, I COULD have refused to turn the kids over, but it would be stoopid. I picked up the kids FROM HER the other evening because Superex couldn't be bothered to handle his end of the transport.

And if the kids happened to be at a friend's house, or a school function or any one of a billion other places? Should I (or he) refuse to get them? If they spend the weekend with my sister, should she have to bring the kids to MY house so that my ex could pick them up, or would it make more sense for her to meet HIM to drop the kids?

Now to the OP...I have been a step mom for almost 10 years now....My husbands ex is a hosebeast...BUT I have never ever had any sorts of "words" with her beyond..."heres thier stuff"....If you know someone is unpleasant, DON'T engage...bite your tongue drop/pick up kids and GO!

I know that MY life got immeasurably easier when I quit trying to explain to SH's lil wifey-poo that calling me a white-trash whore where the kids could hear was bad form. I finally realized that if she wants to engage in certain behaviors, she's going to... no matter what I say or do... and no matter how badly it reflects on her in the children's eyes.

Now that there is anomosity....you need to lay low for a while....don't be in her vicinty until things cool off...If these means an inconvenience to DAD, so what....the lack of pressure on the CHILD will be well worth THAT...

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

But a part of me is dying to know what sort of 'words' they had. I KNOW that's a southernism for cussed each other out in our most polite tone of voice.

 

[troubledstepmom]

I thank everyone for their comments. I wanted to see what other people thought of the situation. My husband and I live in a different county than the child and his mother, therefore we are in seperate school districts. The child is 15 years old. I assure you that this was the first time I had spoken to the mother since the child's appendix surgery in April 2007. I don't know if she's ever been diagnosed, but I think the mother suffers from depression. She acts exactly like people I know first hand who have bi-polar disorder,which would explain the "ballistic" behavior and the tantrum she threw in front of her child. The reason I was in the car was because my husband had gotten home early and we went to take our 19 month old son to visit his grandparents who live about 2 blocks from the child's home. It would have been ridiculous for dad to drive me 20 miles out of the way back home just because mom doesn't want me in the car. My husband gets custodial visits every other weekend from 6:00pm on Friday til 6:00 pm on Sunday. There are many nights my husband doesn't get home til after 8:00pm. Did I answer everyone's questions ?