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Trying to make up for mistakes...Anything I can do?

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JJCANIS

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MD

Hi. I am the father of a 4 year old girl. I have basically missed the first 3 years of her life, by my own stupid choices. I brought mother to court to set up visitations. We went thru mediation and she gave me a decent schedule after a few supervised visits. Me and the mother have a bad history, which is mostly my fault, alot of lying, jail time for dwi and weed, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to change from this but she isnt sold on it.

My concern is that my daughter doesnt always want to come with me for my visits. She will hold on to her mother at dropoff time and say she "just wants to stay with mommy." Sometimes I get angry about it and walk out just telling my daughter "its not your fault". There are other things my daughter has said about not wanting to call me "daddy", "real family/fake family" which she says comes from the Stuart Little movie (has a "fake family" in it) but I think the mother is putting things into her head and trying to disrupt my relationship. She doesnt deny any visits or anything like that.

The mother does contact me about our daughters "problems" thru emails but I have been ignoring them. I feel like she is always saying its all my fault, even though those are not her words. I feel like she just wants me to leave or something.

I have been searching the net and forums and I see things like Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Parental Alienation. Are these things that I could prove in court? What would be considered proof of this? Could this be just normal behavior by my daughter bc of my absence?
 


Isis1

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MD

Hi. I am the father of a 4 year old girl. I have basically missed the first 3 years of her life, by my own stupid choices. I brought mother to court to set up visitations. We went thru mediation and she gave me a decent schedule after a few supervised visits. Me and the mother have a bad history, which is mostly my fault, alot of lying, jail time for dwi and weed, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to change from this but she isnt sold on it.

My concern is that my daughter doesnt always want to come with me for my visits. She will hold on to her mother at dropoff time and say she "just wants to stay with mommy." Sometimes I get angry about it and walk out just telling my daughter "its not your fault". There are other things my daughter has said about not wanting to call me "daddy", "real family/fake family" which she says comes from the Stuart Little movie (has a "fake family" in it) but I think the mother is putting things into her head and trying to disrupt my relationship. She doesnt deny any visits or anything like that.

The mother does contact me about our daughters "problems" thru emails but I have been ignoring them. I feel like she is always saying its all my fault, even though those are not her words. I feel like she just wants me to leave or something.

I have been searching the net and forums and I see things like Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Parental Alienation. Are these things that I could prove in court? What would be considered proof of this? Could this be just normal behavior by my daughter bc of my absence?
it is quite possible the child is acting this way because she does not know you. how about visitation in a therapist setting? one that can help her, but also help you.

mom's hesitance is normal. it took you 3 years to straighten yourself out. expect it to take three years to get even close to being trusted again.

you have to understand. you've been gone for 3 years. this isn't a moment where daughter runs to you all thrilled to be with her daddy. she has to trust you. and you have to be patient. and persistant.
 
So, Mom agreed to a decent amount of visitation after only a few supervised? That doesn't sound like she is trying to undermine your visits.

What do you expect? First you say you know you screwed up, but then you act like you expect your daughter to accept and love you as if you had been around all the time. You aren't known to her very well. You must have patience. Why would you walk out? Why would you get angry? It is YOUR fault she doesn't know you as her daddy, not mom's fault, not your daughter's fault. YOURS. So if you want to get angry, do it at yourself, and in private. You think you getting angry or walking away is going to speed up your daughter's affection, or do you think it might delay it?

You've taken the steps to be in her life. So prove you want to be there. Be there for her, and she'll see the truth. As far as the whole "fake" family thing, what else is going on? Do you have a new wife, girlfriend, other kids? Are you pushing your daughter to accept other people quickly, as well? I have a four year old daughter. You CAN make up what you've done in the past, but only if you stop the childish behavior.

Forget trying to prove anything against mom. She isn't denying you. YOU prove to your child that you are here, now and for the long term.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MD

Hi. I am the father of a 4 year old girl. I have basically missed the first 3 years of her life, by my own stupid choices. I brought mother to court to set up visitations. We went thru mediation and she gave me a decent schedule after a few supervised visits. Me and the mother have a bad history, which is mostly my fault, alot of lying, jail time for dwi and weed, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to change from this but she isnt sold on it.

My concern is that my daughter doesnt always want to come with me for my visits. She will hold on to her mother at dropoff time and say she "just wants to stay with mommy." Sometimes I get angry about it and walk out just telling my daughter "its not your fault". There are other things my daughter has said about not wanting to call me "daddy", "real family/fake family" which she says comes from the Stuart Little movie (has a "fake family" in it) but I think the mother is putting things into her head and trying to disrupt my relationship. She doesnt deny any visits or anything like that.

The mother does contact me about our daughters "problems" thru emails but I have been ignoring them. I feel like she is always saying its all my fault, even though those are not her words. I feel like she just wants me to leave or something.

I have been searching the net and forums and I see things like Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Parental Alienation. Are these things that I could prove in court? What would be considered proof of this? Could this be just normal behavior by my daughter bc of my absence?
I think that you are seeing kind of normal 4 year old reactions. Her mother was her only parent for the first 3 years of her life. What you should be doing is gently insisting that the child go with you, even if she doesn't want to go.

If mom is trying to contact you about the problems, then you should be discussing it with her. That is what good coparents do. There may be things that you could do differently, to make your daughter more comfortable.
 

JJCANIS

Junior Member
Why would you walk out? Why would you get angry?

As far as the whole "fake" family thing, what else is going on? Do you have a new wife, girlfriend, other kids? Are you pushing your daughter to accept other people quickly, as well?
Well I walk out bc I feel like the mother is making her say it or to feel that way, and Im angry at the mother obviously, maybe Im just paranoid but I think the mother has something to do with it.

Fake family--yes I have a girflriend and my mother but no other kids. I did make her call me "daddy" and my mother "grandma" from day 1 and my daughters mother has told me that our daughter said she didnt like doing it.

When my daughter is with me she acts happy and as if everything is basically fine which is another reason why I believe the mother is behind something.
 

JJCANIS

Junior Member
it is quite possible the child is acting this way because she does not know you. how about visitation in a therapist setting? one that can help her, but also help you.
Can I bring my daughter to a therapist or phycologist without the mothers consent? Or do I have to tell her? ...as far as the court applies
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Well I walk out bc I feel like the mother is making her say it or to feel that way, and Im angry at the mother obviously, maybe Im just paranoid but I think the mother has something to do with it.

Fake family--yes I have a girflriend and my mother but no other kids. I did make her call me "daddy" and my mother "grandma" from day 1 and my daughters mother has told me that our daughter said she didnt like doing it.

When my daughter is with me she acts happy and as if everything is basically fine which is another reason why I believe the mother is behind something.
Dad, you are blaming mom when the fault lies entirely with you. Many children also cry when their parent leaves them at daycare, and are fine afterwards as well. The whole problem is that the child has a lifetime and secure/trusting relationship with mom, and is still getting to know you. You need to have patience rather than anger, and need to stop walking out.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Well I walk out bc I feel like the mother is making her say it or to feel that way, and Im angry at the mother obviously, maybe Im just paranoid but I think the mother has something to do with it.
YOUR behavior has a LOT more to do with it. You are acting like a spoiled petulant child. You wnat to blame everyone else. OWN your mistakes. YOu left this child. This child had three years without you anywhere around because you chose that and now you expect her to be all sunshine and smiles to see you -- and you are a stranger.


Fake family--yes I have a girflriend and my mother but no other kids. I did make her call me "daddy" and my mother "grandma" from day 1 and my daughters mother has told me that our daughter said she didnt like doing it.
Well give it time.

When my daughter is with me she acts happy and as if everything is basically fine which is another reason why I believe the mother is behind something.
Your daughter is four. You seriously need to take a child development course to learn that this is normal behavior.

The mother does contact me about our daughters "problems" thru emails but I have been ignoring them. I feel like she is always saying its all my fault, even though those are not her words. I feel like she just wants me to leave or something.
Oh so you refuse to correspond with mom even though mom is attempting to converse. You have decided to act like a little boy who hasnt' gotten his way and is pouting. Congrats. Your daughter may be more mature than you are. She at least is acting age appropriate.


I have been searching the net and forums and I see things like Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Parental Alienation. Are these things that I could prove in court? What would be considered proof of this? Could this be just normal behavior by my daughter bc of my absence?
Sounds like normal behavior except for the fact that the child's father refuses to take responsibility and wants to blame the world -- he hasn't grown up yet. That is my guess on the biggest problem in this situation: dad is acting like a baby.
 

JJCANIS

Junior Member
You know I cant say I disagree with most of the things you have written about the situation and me.

The mother has mentioned that she may be bringing me to court bc I will not respond to her emails, etc. (It is in the CO that I communicate thru email with her). Based on what was said here can I get visitation taken away or decreased or anything bc of this?
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
You know I cant say I disagree with most of the things you have written about the situation and me.

The mother has mentioned that she may be bringing me to court bc I will not respond to her emails, etc. (It is in the CO that I communicate thru email with her). Based on what was said here can I get visitation taken away or decreased or anything bc of this?
Probably not the first time...but if you continue to refuse to coparent through emails then yes, things could go badly for you. You can also be fined, even on the first case.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
Can I bring my daughter to a therapist or phycologist without the mothers consent? Or do I have to tell her? ...as far as the court applies
See...This is where you are just not trying despite your assertion that you are. Why would you NOT tell Mom that you would like to go to therapy with your child?

Child's behavior is perfectly normal considering the situation. By you "getting angry" and stomping away instead of working through the child's reluctance to go with you, you are letting her know that 1. You don't care enough about the visit to persist. and 2. If she whines enough you will give up and she gets her way.

Stop blaming Mom for YOUR mistakes. Mom has already proven to the child that she can be trusted. You have yet to do so. It takes time and effort.
 

JJCANIS

Junior Member
Probably not the first time...but if you continue to refuse to coparent through emails then yes, things could go badly for you. You can also be fined, even on the first case.
You mean the first time she brings me to court or the first time she tried to email me and I didnt respond? Like I said I have been ignoring quite a few emails for a few months now. If she showed up to court with a stack of emails I ignored what could happen?
 

JJCANIS

Junior Member
Instead of worrying about it why don't you correct it now?


No one can ultimately determine exackly what the judge would do but it doesn't look good for you.

Fix the problem now. Only you can fix it.
You are right. I know that. But for some reason I always fall back into the pattern of doing the wrong thing, even when my honest intentions are good.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
You are right. I know that. But for some reason I always fall back into the pattern of doing the wrong thing, even when my honest intentions are good.
look, dad. i've been there. the whole pattern of doing the wrong thing. and taking a look back, it wasn't good intentions. they were selfish. once you realize that, you can move forward.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
You mean the first time she brings me to court or the first time she tried to email me and I didnt respond? Like I said I have been ignoring quite a few emails for a few months now. If she showed up to court with a stack of emails I ignored what could happen?
You could be denied or deprived of joint legal custody for YOUR refusal to COPARENT which means you would be granted ONLY visitation and have no rights to make ANY decisions regarding your child. Because you see, immature people who refuse to coparent are not going to be rewarded by a judge with making decisions about another person.
 
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