unfit mother

[stepmom68]

What is the name of your state? biodad is PA, bio mom is IL

my husband and i are extremely concerned about his three children. biomom has custody but does not really care for them, only interested in money. biomom has not let us see the children since november, when we had to drive to IL because the oldest was in legal trouble. oldest SD lived with us for 2 years and was an a/b student. went to live with mom last march (biomom more permissive), now she doesn't go to school and will not pass 11th grade. oldest smokes, is a runaway, and has other problems. youngest SS (12) was an average student but in the past year (since return of oldest SD) has started failing school also. the middle SD (14) is doing ok, but was a straight A student and is now B/C student with several F's. The home they live in is deplorable at best, only junk food, no clean clothes, the younger two have never been taught how to keep themselves clean and kept. The have approximately 10 to 15 cats in the has and the litter boxes are in the children's bedrooms. the home smells of urine and fecal matter. when they came to visit last year, I had to wash all of their clothes, due to the smell. we want custody of all three children but are not sure this is enough grounds to get custody. my husband doesn't want to hurt the children anymore, but i feel it is in their best interest not to be in that situation any longer. the SS wants to live with us and we think the middle SD would come to but we do not know what to do. Please help! we are extremely concerned.

 

[stealth2]

Your best bet really would be to talk to an attorney to find out if what you have meets a burden of proof for changing custody.

 

[Boxcarbill]

What is the name of your state? biodad is PA, bio mom is IL

my husband and i are extremely concerned about his three children. biomom has custody but does not really care for them, only interested in money. biomom has not let us see the children since november, when we had to drive to IL because the oldest was in legal trouble. oldest SD lived with us for 2 years and was an a/b student. went to live with mom last march (biomom more permissive), now she doesn't go to school and will not pass 11th grade. oldest smokes, is a runaway, and has other problems. youngest SS (12) was an average student but in the past year (since return of oldest SD) has started failing school also. the middle SD (14) is doing ok, but was a straight A student and is now B/C student with several F's. The home they live in is deplorable at best, only junk food, no clean clothes, the younger two have never been taught how to keep themselves clean and kept. The have approximately 10 to 15 cats in the has and the litter boxes are in the children's bedrooms. the home smells of urine and fecal matter. when they came to visit last year, I had to wash all of their clothes, due to the smell. we want custody of all three children but are not sure this is enough grounds to get custody. my husband doesn't want to hurt the children anymore, but i feel it is in their best interest not to be in that situation any longer. the SS wants to live with us and we think the middle SD would come to but we do not know what to do. Please help! we are extremely concerned.

And what about the oldest? The one who lived with the two of you for two years and then went home a year ago? Does she want to come live with the two of you? A 12, 14 and 16/17 year old are all plenty old enough to bathe, run a washing machine, empty a litter box and clean up their rooms and behind themselves? All three should have learned personal hygiene in the IL school system, if from no where else. When the youngest was an average student and the 14 year old was a straight A student how did they manage to pass "health" or "phys ed" and not learn about personal hygiene? It sounds like the children have learned to pit mom and dad against each other along time ago. As teenagers they move between mom and dad like so many chess pieces. When parents do not have any respect for each other, neither do their children.

 

[stepmom68]

I agree they should have learned personal hygeine in school, but when from a young age, no one reinforces this, it doesn't stick. as for the oldest, no she wants to stay with her mom because mom lets her stay home from school, run the streets and do as she pleases, we have rules. This, along with brides from her mother is why she left. When they were younger and we lived closer (in VA) I handled almost all of the parenting needs, like cooking, washing their clothes and making sure they bathed regularly. ( of course I could not control what there mother's house was like. It was the same way then, but with less cats. plus mom was under investigation for welfare fraud) But we only lived 10 miles apart and I could look after them more.

 

[stealth2]

So the judge is going to ask: "If you were living 10 miles away, Mr Stepmom, and concerned about your children - what compelled you to move even further away?"

 

[stepmom68]

what compelled my husband and I to move further away was better job offer. I received a job offer that was over $10k higher then I was making in VA and my husband start working for the county we live in with excellent benefits for everyone including his children. We still had contact with the children, by driving to VA about once every three weeks. When we moved, biomom was still in VA, then a month later (when charges of welfare fraud were going to be filed and her assistance was cut off) she relocated to Illinois, were her family is, even though they did not want her. She sent the oldest to live with us because "I can't handle her". i know we are not perfect either, but we just want the children to have a stable home, good food, a roof over their heads and to get a good education (including college or trade school). Now with them in Illinois (13 hours) it is rough to provide this for them.

 

[Janifer]

Go for it

I would call social services. To live like that is horrible.

 

[julie4796]

I have to agree that these kids are old enough to bathe themselves. And at their ages if they arent wise enough to empty a litter box when it smells then they are far beyond help...
This, in my opinion, is laziness on the kids parts...
Tell them time to grow up...

 

[DChristian112]

I am going to have to agree with all other posters, Stepmom.
My mother has four children including me. I am 22- and down to the age of 8. We were all well aware of how to take care of our selves by 7. My parents influenced us greatly. While I cannot say if these children are turning Mom and Dad against eachother, I will state that they are simply showing acts of laziness. Maybe BioMom is sick and tired of haveing to tell them what do to, when to bathe, wash their own clothes, etc. She probably got fed up with it all. After all, all three of her children are adolescents now.
I see no reason to contact social services. Not all parents baby their children and pick up after them constantly once they have reached that age of independence. Granted, if they were toddlers, it would be a concern, but teenagers... Any Social Services will say " Tell them to bathe then, why complain about it, if they can do it for themselves?"
Good Luck and God Bless!

 

[Boxcarbill]

what compelled my husband and I to move further away was better job offer. I received a job offer that was over $10k higher then I was making in VA and my husband start working for the county we live in with excellent benefits for everyone including his children. We still had contact with the children, by driving to VA about once every three weeks. When we moved, biomom was still in VA, then a month later (when charges of welfare fraud were going to be filed and her assistance was cut off) she relocated to Illinois, were her family is, even though they did not want her. She sent the oldest to live with us because "I can't handle her". i know we are not perfect either, but we just want the children to have a stable home, good food, a roof over their heads and to get a good education (including college or trade school). Now with them in Illinois (13 hours) it is rough to provide this for them.

For the benefits of other readers who may not know how the law works. A suspect, in this case for welfare fraud, cannot avoid prosecution by moving to a different state. The law of one state can and will extradite. Therefore, her move to IL in no way prevented charges from being filed in VA. If charges were not filed in VA, it was for a different reason than she moved or that VA couldn't locate her after the move.

 

[craftymom]

We were all well aware of how to take care of our selves by 7. My parents influenced us greatly

But this is precisely where the difference is! Without parental influence, kids aren't going to learn anything----whether it's personal hygiene, or physics. Without mom or dad doing constant repitition to instill habits in the children, then they won't learn.

Certainly, these kids have been exposed to hygiene practices at school. But without the follow-up from mom, it won't take. Kids, no matter what age, don't just do that.

I can totally relate to this poster's situation, concerns, and fears. Hubby and I are in the same boat with his kids. I won't go into a long litany of details, but I'll tell you, it is utterly heartbreaking to see children's physical health neglected. It's just too damned easy to teach for any kid to be without it.

 

[stepmom68]

Thank you for all your replies. I contacted an attorney yesterday in reference to this and he feels we have a very strong case to modify custody. one problem, $7500 and that is if biomom cooperates. my husband and I are ok financially, but to come up with a lump sum that large is vurtually impossible. is there a way we can go it alone? forms we can fill out? any help appreciated.

 

[stealth2]

In absolute honesty - I would NEVER go to court on a custody matter without an attorney I trust representing me. NEVER. Yeah, it's expensive. I spent over 20k on my original divorce, and another 5k to date in legal fees - and I don't expect that to end anytime soon. But it is money well spent, IMO.