• FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.

Uninvolved father trying to get joint custody

Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills   Please click a topic or scroll down for more.

Status
Not open for further replies.

mamaanna3

Registered User
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC

Hello. I need help in figuring out the steps I need to take to secure the safety of my 4 yr old son. During the time that I was married to my ex-husband he was an abusive (towards me, but not my kids) alcoholic. At the end of our marriage, he had finally stopped drinking. So I allowed him to get my son every other weekend, and it had been that way for 3 yrs. The thing is that he never called to ask for him, I always called to see if he wanted him. I also had to drive 45 minutes to take my son to his house (he had his license taken away for too many dui's). He never called while my son was with me to see how he was doing. He never asked if he could have him any extra days and never wanted to know about day care or doctor appts or anything. This past Christmas I asked him if he wanted him, and he said he didn't. He didn't get him until 2 wks later. My point is that I felt like I had to push him to see our son.

My son all of a started wetting his bed (he had been potty trained for over a year) and was coming home acting different than normal (crying over every little thing, throwing fits, and being mean to me and his siblings). This went on for about a month. He would get better a few days after getting back from his fathers, but start all over when he would spend the weekend there. The last weekend he stayed there, I went to pick him up on Sunday and he was acting worse than usual. After his bath, he got on his bed so that I could put his clothes on him. I saw that his rectum was raw (it wasn't this way when he left), so I asked if it was hurting him and what happened. He said his dad put butter on his butt and poked him with his finger. I put my son to bed, and went to call his dad. His father was so drunk he couldn't give me a straight answer, so I told him he was never allowed any where around my son ever again.

His father didn't call back until 3 days later. He said that he thought my son was talking about how he (father) calls his girlfriend "Butter". He made no sense in explaining any of it. So I told him he still couldn't see his son.

I didn't let any one know because I didn't want to put my son through anything else. His father has not called back since then (its been 2 mths). My son has stopped wetting his bed and he has started acting the way he used to before all of this.

Yesterday, I came home to sheriffs dept waiting to serve me custody papers. My son's father has an attorney now and he is wanting to get joint custody (every weekend, holidays, and part of the summer) and wants to have a say in major decisions for my son. I can't let him do this. I don't want him any where around my son, for the safety of my son. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone about what he possibly did to my son because I didn't want a circus around my 4yr old.

What can I do? Where do I start first? And do I need to get DSS involved or is it too late? Please help me, for my son's sake. Thank you in advance!
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC

Hello. I need help in figuring out the steps I need to take to secure the safety of my 4 yr old son. During the time that I was married to my ex-husband he was an abusive (towards me, but not my kids) alcoholic. At the end of our marriage, he had finally stopped drinking. So I allowed him to get my son every other weekend, and it had been that way for 3 yrs. The thing is that he never called to ask for him, I always called to see if he wanted him. I also had to drive 45 minutes to take my son to his house (he had his license taken away for too many dui's). He never called while my son was with me to see how he was doing. He never asked if he could have him any extra days and never wanted to know about day care or doctor appts or anything. This past Christmas I asked him if he wanted him, and he said he didn't. He didn't get him until 2 wks later. My point is that I felt like I had to push him to see our son.

My son all of a started wetting his bed (he had been potty trained for over a year) and was coming home acting different than normal (crying over every little thing, throwing fits, and being mean to me and his siblings). This went on for about a month. He would get better a few days after getting back from his fathers, but start all over when he would spend the weekend there. The last weekend he stayed there, I went to pick him up on Sunday and he was acting worse than usual. After his bath, he got on his bed so that I could put his clothes on him. I saw that his rectum was raw (it wasn't this way when he left), so I asked if it was hurting him and what happened. He said his dad put butter on his butt and poked him with his finger. I put my son to bed, and went to call his dad. His father was so drunk he couldn't give me a straight answer, so I told him he was never allowed any where around my son ever again.

His father didn't call back until 3 days later. He said that he thought my son was talking about how he (father) calls his girlfriend "Butter". He made no sense in explaining any of it. So I told him he still couldn't see his son.

I didn't let any one know because I didn't want to put my son through anything else. His father has not called back since then (its been 2 mths). My son has stopped wetting his bed and he has started acting the way he used to before all of this.

Yesterday, I came home to sheriffs dept waiting to serve me custody papers. My son's father has an attorney now and he is wanting to get joint custody (every weekend, holidays, and part of the summer) and wants to have a say in major decisions for my son. I can't let him do this. I don't want him any where around my son, for the safety of my son. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone about what he possibly did to my son because I didn't want a circus around my 4yr old.

What can I do? Where do I start first? And do I need to get DSS involved or is it too late? Please help me, for my son's sake. Thank you in advance!
Mom, you most profoundly, SCREWED UP. Your son came home with a raw rectum, and a story that suggested sexual abuse, and you didn't go straight to the ER to get it properly documented and get DSS involved.

Its absolutely too late now. The evidence is LONG gone, and your son's memory of the event is probably long gone as well (and don't coach him into remembering, because that will come back to bite you).

At this point, you look like the bad guy, for denying dad's visitation rights, and you have absolutely no evidence at all that anything untoward was going on at dad's home.

I am normally not this harsh with a parent posting here, in fact, I am rarely harsh at all, but you couldn't have handled this situation worse, if you had tried.

You need a damned good attorney. Beg or borrow the money from somewhere to hire one.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Quite frankly LD is correct. Mom you are JUST AS GUILTY as dad. You ignored the problem and figured you could just make it go away. Sorry. Doesn't work that way. YOU NEGLECTED THE PROBLEM. Which means you neglected your son. You need an attorney YESTERDAY. You have no proof that ANY OF THIS happened. You have no proof that dad abused the child or is an alcoholic around HIS child (because this is not just YOUR singular son). It is too late to get DSS involved. NO evidence but there is an open custody case which will most likely discount whatever you state.
 

rosy

Junior Member
This is going to be messy. First, the others are correct. You need an attorney now. Second, document every detail that you remembered from that incident. date, time of day, exact conversation, what he was wearing, size of abuse on rectum, coloring, any other bruises, etc. Did you see any bruising around inner thighs? brusing marks on arms, etc. Document the bed-wetting, change of personality, crying, anger, etc. These details are signficant. What you reported are red flags of sexual abuse. But, as the other person said, do not go back and prod your son for more information. The opposing attorney will use that against you as manipulating your son and your case will lose its credibility. Third, again, first talk to your attorney, but you need to take your son in to see a doctor who will be able to tell you whether he has been penetrated or not. Fourth, did you by any chance discuss this incident with a girlfirned, family member, etc.? If so, document that conversation, too. I am so sorry for you. But, my heart especially goes out to your little boy. You cannot undo the past, but you have to take care of you son by protecting him from further abuse.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
This is going to be messy. First, the others are correct. You need an attorney now. Second, document every detail that you remembered from that incident. date, time of day, exact conversation, what he was wearing, size of abuse on rectum, coloring, any other bruises, etc. Did you see any bruising around inner thighs? brusing marks on arms, etc. Document the bed-wetting, change of personality, crying, anger, etc. These details are signficant. What you reported are red flags of sexual abuse. But, as the other person said, do not go back and prod your son for more information. The opposing attorney will use that against you as manipulating your son and your case will lose its credibility. Third, again, first talk to your attorney, but you need to take your son in to see a doctor who will be able to tell you whether he has been penetrated or not. Fourth, did you by any chance discuss this incident with a girlfirned, family member, etc.? If so, document that conversation, too. I am so sorry for you. But, my heart especially goes out to your little boy. You cannot undo the past, but you have to take care of you son by protecting him from further abuse.

What do you think documenting it today is going to do? Great. She can write a novel. It won't mean anything. there are NO doctor's reports, no police reports, no hospital reports, no DSS reports from that time period. So basically what she has done is covered up the abuse which makes her guilty. IF the judge believes it happened. MOM is just as bad as dad because she saw something wrong and did NOTHING. Which means the JUDGE would report BOTH OF THEM to DSS and mom could lose custody. And she cannot prove penetration by dad or by her or by anything. And documenting that conversation -- oh that is good -- so now those people are pathetic witnesses because first of all, they are biased, and second of all they did NOTHING about it.
 

Humusluvr

Senior Member
:mad::mad::mad::mad:I'm dumbfounded. How could you NOT take the kiddo to ER?:mad::mad::mad::mad:

You have no proof of anything. You seriously screwed up - and you need a good lawyer to give you any chance of fixing it!!!
 

rosy

Junior Member
My job involves working with abused children. The number one thing to do is to always document, even observations. Document and give the information to her attorney. You are correct in that steps should have been taken before she reached this stage. But, the number one priority here is to protect the child.
 

sometwo

Senior Member
Even if not the ER the family doctor even. Someone. I cant believe this wasnt reported. If you want your child protected and helped you get them the help they need. I hate that it was never reported because chances are now he will get joint custody unless you have alot of other evidence that states why he should which I havent heard any that the court would consiter as proof.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
My job involves working with abused children. The number one thing to do is to always document, even observations. Document and give the information to her attorney. You are correct in that steps should have been taken before she reached this stage. But, the number one priority here is to protect the child.
SHE CANNOT DO IT AND HAVE IT MEAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. Her memory will be completely discredited. She cannot remember details now -- eight months later. This was in January. Do you remember what bruises you had in January? It didn't matter then and it won't matter now. I work with abused children to. I represent in court. To document the observations they need to be done AT THE TIME. Anything she writes down now matters not. It is writing a good piece of fiction -- or a lousy one. The number one priority is to protect the child -- but she screwed up big time. She did NOT protect the child. She did what she could to keep the child away from dad for her own selfish reasons.

Why do I say that? Because any reasonable mature parent would have taken their child to the ER or doctor upon hearing and seeing what she says she did. They would have made a police report. They would have gotten a restraining order. They would have immediately jumped into being a PARENT. Instead she comes across as a vindictive ex wife who most likely decided she didn't need to follow the visitation order (what was the visitation order OP -- since OP is DIVORCED there had to be some type of visitation order) and would attempt to alienate the father from his child. And she would use any story she could in order to do so.

As for a doctor's visit now to see penetration? Well if child was penetrated-- prove that dad did it and mom didn't. After all mom has had the child in her SOLE custody since January. Who is to say she didn't keep him away from his father because SHE was abusing him? Prove when it happened, by what and who did it. PROVE IT. Oh she can't. But the child being penetrated and the doctor noticing would REQUIRE DSS involvement. DSS will immediatley REMOVE the child from mom's custody and most likely place the child with dad if dad doesn't have a criminal background other than DUI -- if not dad then foster care. Because who has this child been around for eight months? MOM and mom's family. NOT dad. Why? because mom was an ignorant, selfish control freak who decided to use this to get at dad and deprive dad of time (which most likely would have been court ordered due to the divorce and custody) and who did NOT see getting her child HELP as a priority or necessity.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Even if not the ER the family doctor even. Someone. I cant believe this wasnt reported. If you want your child protected and helped you get them the help they need. I hate that it was never reported because chances are now he will get joint custody unless you have alot of other evidence that states why he should which I havent heard any that the court would consiter as proof.
Who besides mom says it even happened? Seriously. OP PROVE IT. Prove it to me that your child was sexually abused and penetrated. Come on. Prove it.
 

mamaanna3

Registered User
I did what I felt was right for my son. Keep him away from the problem. I didn't shove him right back into the situation to go through it again. I'm not the guilty one, because as soon as I had any concern anything was happening I took him away from it. NOT for my own selfish reasons, but to protect my son. How can you say it was for selfish reasons in the first place? I let him see my son for 3 yrs every other weekend, why would I just all of a sudden decide I didn't want to take him over there. Me and his father never argued about anything, I have no reason to be jealous, or devious towards him. His father never tried to be more involved in his life, never asked about anything, and always declined more time with him. I have never kept my son from him, before all of this I had no reason to. I'm a strong believer that children should spend time with their fathers. My two older children see their dad with no problem. I want them to have a good relationship with their dad. I came into this forum to see if someone could help me with the steps I should take. I know that I screwed up by not taking my son to the doctor immediately, but I felt that keeping my son away from the situation and keeping him from going through test upon test, and people parading around him with thousands of questions, was in my son's best interest. NOT my own, my son's. And by the way, I haven't brought this up again with my son, I didn't force him to answer questions in the first place. I asked for advice on the steps I should take now, not the steps I know I should have taken, but the ones I should take now.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
there isn't anything you can do now. you already messed that up. too little too late. everything about that incident shows what kind of mother you really are. hiding the situation instead of dealing with it. sexual abuse isn't a tool for custody. you do realize that if this happens again, you will be to blame since you chose not to protect your son the first time around.:mad::mad:
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
I did what I felt was right for my son. Keep him away from the problem. I didn't shove him right back into the situation to go through it again. I'm not the guilty one, because as soon as I had any concern anything was happening I took him away from it. NOT for my own selfish reasons, but to protect my son. How can you say it was for selfish reasons in the first place? I let him see my son for 3 yrs every other weekend, why would I just all of a sudden decide I didn't want to take him over there. Me and his father never argued about anything, I have no reason to be jealous, or devious towards him. His father never tried to be more involved in his life, never asked about anything, and always declined more time with him. I have never kept my son from him, before all of this I had no reason to. I'm a strong believer that children should spend time with their fathers. My two older children see their dad with no problem. I want them to have a good relationship with their dad. I came into this forum to see if someone could help me with the steps I should take. I know that I screwed up by not taking my son to the doctor immediately, but I felt that keeping my son away from the situation and keeping him from going through test upon test, and people parading around him with thousands of questions, was in my son's best interest. NOT my own, my son's. And by the way, I haven't brought this up again with my son, I didn't force him to answer questions in the first place. I asked for advice on the steps I should take now, not the steps I know I should have taken, but the ones I should take now.
Your son was penetrated anally by his father and you never took him to the doctor to make sure his anus wasn't punctured.

Personally I think custody needs to go to the state. You are unfit to retain any custody of ANY child. You shouldn't be allowed to have a goldfish, never mind a child. POS.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Find the Right Lawyer for Your Legal Issue!

Fast, Free, and Confidential
data-ad-format="auto">
Top