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Unwed Custody Battle of a Newborn

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stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I am breastfeeding and will continue for 18 months. I don't feel the fathers home is safe for my baby to be there until he is walking and able to communicate somewhat.
Well, that's something you should have thought of sometime in that "only" seven months you dated before making this baby.

As for phasing in..... Sure, moms get to bond before birth. But we (and the law) don't require married dads to "phase in" time with their children. So why do we require unmarried dads to do it?
 


profmum

Senior Member
No, you idiot, NW was making the point that to LEGALLY require, that a father to a newborn in a unwed situation, should have to phase in to spend time with his child is bizarre! If new mom decides to leave the child with her mother for the night so that she may attend a wedding out of town, the grandmother doesn't have to be phased in. But the FATHER has to phase in to see his OWN CHILD!

A father is just as important to a child as the mother, and should be LEGALLY allowed to bond with his child as soon as the child is born!
Because you "idiot".. married parents are presumably living togehter, presumably taking care of the newborn from the moment of birth, presumably sharing in the responsibilities of raising a child in THEIR home TOGETHER, now, unless your mind forgot that is is a divorce forum/ forum where Mum and Dad DO NOT live together, why is phasing in for Dad or Mum such a crime? Yes a father should be allowed to legally bond with his child as soon as the child is born, short of ordering Mum and Dad to live together for x months to do that, how do you propose genius it needs to be done with the BEST INTEREST OF THE child at the heart of it? New born goes home week one is with Mum, week two with Dad and back forth.. you think that is best for an infant.!
 

Halls

Member
Typically, what would happen is that dad would "phase into" a regular visitation schedule.

Read this to get an example of a phased in schedule:

http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/

If dad has an attorney, you will want to have one yourself.
Agree with LdiJ. It is one thing for everyone to give an opinion about the father and what his rights should be, but it another as to what the law says. It is likely the father will get rights to this child as he is the father. He will likely get some phased in parenting time before a set regular schedule is made.

Do you have a lawyer? If not I'd get one.
 

casa

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? Illinois
I was unwed to my baby's father when I became pregnant. We dated only seven months prior to conception. The relationship ended three months after I became pregnant. The father and I had no interaction until the delivery of our son. One week after delivery the father petitioned the courts for sole custody our son. He did this to be malicious and vendictive because I chose not to reconcile our relationship and would not agree to him only paying for medical insurance. I hear that typically, courts would not remove a child from his home especially at such an age. He also peitioned as an alternative to have the child on his non-working days.

Does he have any case for permanent custody? What is the likelihood of me getting the courts to grant him visitation only for every other weekend with no overnight stays until the infant is 18 months?
Google IL infant visitation schedules...to get an idea of what the courts may order.

Also, La Leche League is a wonderful resource for nursing Moms~ They even assist if you need to learn/or pay for a breast pump, so that Dad has breastmilk to feed the baby when baby is with him.

I nursed both children...I also went back to work with my youngest when she was still an infant (I changed my shift to nights, so each of us would be there w/the baby when the other worked). I'm happy to report she's a well-adjusted, perfectly healthy child. :)
 

profmum

Senior Member
As for phasing in..... Sure, moms get to bond before birth. But we (and the law) don't require married dads to "phase in" time with their children. So why do we require unmarried dads to do it?[/QUOTE]


Right.. but are we not on a divorce forum here? were parents are not married and hence probably not living together do not apply here.. ?
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
As for phasing in..... Sure, moms get to bond before birth. But we (and the law) don't require married dads to "phase in" time with their children. So why do we require unmarried dads to do it?

Right.. but are we not on a divorce forum here? were parents are not married and hence probably not living together do not apply here.. ?[/QUOTE]

Jeez - whatever you're a prof of/in, I hope it's not English. Talk about an incomprehensible sentence.

We're talking about parents. Period. They are equally important. This particular mommy apparently thought this daddy was the bee's knees while doin' it. Now he's "not safe" to have the child overnight. She no longer gets to make that determination. She picked him, her kids get to deal with her choice. As all of ours do.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
No, you idiot, NW was making the point that to LEGALLY require, that a father to a newborn in a unwed situation, should have to phase in to spend time with his child is bizarre! If new mom decides to leave the child with her mother for the night so that she may attend a wedding out of town, the grandmother doesn't have to be phased in. But the FATHER has to phase in to see his OWN CHILD!

A father is just as important to a child as the mother, and should be LEGALLY allowed to bond with his child as soon as the child is born!
Grandparents however do normally "phase in" unless the grandparent lives in the same home as the mom and child. Most grandparents do not expect to keep their grandchildren overnight when they are newborns. That normally doesn't start until later.

Anyone who does not live in the same home as an infant, should develop a bond with the infant before taking them overnight. To me, that is what is in the best interest of the baby.
It may not be fair to the parent who doesn't live in the home, but what's best for the child is what is important, not what's best for the parent.
 

profmum

Senior Member
Right.. but are we not on a divorce forum here? were parents are not married and hence probably not living together do not apply here.. ?
Jeez - whatever you're a prof of/in, I hope it's not English. Talk about an incomprehensible sentence.

We're talking about parents. Period. They are equally important. This particular mommy apparently thought this daddy was the bee's knees while doin' it. Now he's "not safe" to have the child overnight. She no longer gets to make that determination. She picked him, her kids get to deal with her choice. As all of ours do.[/QUOTE]


Parents not married, hence not living together.. hence rules or advantages of being married do not apply .. simple enough sentence for you? yes parents are both important, once again not the debate here, (of course reading a post and understanding it would have avoided that!), safety is also not necessarily the issue in this situation here as well.. how the infant will respond and what it is best for the child is what applies here..but as one poster said, opinions dont matter, the law states "phased in" is what will happen... so there ends the debate..surprisingly the law agrees with "phased in"..hmm.. or is the law lousy when it does not agree with your opinion? (as opposed all the posts on "hey it is CO.. live and die with it"

also i will stay out of the English department in academic if you promise to stay out of the legal arena !
 

TinkerBelleLuvr

Senior Member
I will probably get blasted here, but here goes anyway.

When a mother is nursing, it is IMPORTANT that they get established in the nursing cycle for about the first 3-4 weeks. Especially if they are returning to work, they should start pumping and have someone give a bottle to the child once per day after that. That someone should NOT be the mother - so, it would work for dad to have the child for a 3-4 hour period a number of times per week. It is imperative in the beginning that they do not use a bottle exclusively because it may cause the child to reject nursing - it takes a lot more work to nurse than use a bottle.

You need to work up to the EOW. It should NOT happen right away if you want to be successful with nursing. Breast feeding is the best for the child. I can tell you from experience.

Please find a way to develop an infant parenting plan with the father NOW. You will have to work with this person for the next 18 years. The tone you take now will affect your relationship with both your child and the father. Do NOT think that you can exclude him - half of who your child is can be attributed to the father. Don't make your child think that he/she is bad because of your attitude towards the other parent.

Definitely work wih the La Leche group. They were my saviour in being successful with returning to work and nursing. No - my child NEVER had formula - and I worked outside the home for 40+ and dealt with the ex. But it key is in your attitude.

This forum is full of people who's greatest difficulty is communication and the willingness to allow the other parent to parent! Please don't be a statistic in here.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
The law is what it is. That doesn't make it infallible. If Mom could see that it may be better for her child to have Dad a constant and consistent presence in the child's life and agrees to it, that agreement will carry a lot of weight and the court is unlikely to go against it. Understand?

Personally, I think you should stay out of any intellectual arena. You haven't got the chops. ;)
 

CJane

Senior Member
Am I the only parent in the world who DID phase in people who didn't live in my home?

My son went to work with me (i returned to work when he was 4 days old) for 12 weeks, and then I quit to stay home with him. He spent a few hours at a time with my Dad/Stepmom who live near me, a few hours with my sister, a few hours with my Mom when I was visiting her...

It wasn't until he was 5 months old that he ever spent a night away from me, and that was with my sister who'd had him many short visits at that point.

When he was 1, he spent the night with my Dad/Stepmom.

He's spent a few weekends with a friend at this point, but he's 19 months old and so incredibly social I don't think phasing in with anyone would be required. But I didn't start shipping him off with people who weren't familiar with his needs/routines/etc until he was older.
 

profmum

Senior Member
The law is what it is. That doesn't make it infallible. If Mom could see that it may be better for her child to have Dad a constant and consistent presence in the child's life and agrees to it, that agreement will carry a lot of weight and the court is unlikely to go against it. Understand?

Personally, I think you should stay out of any intellectual arena. You haven't got the chops. ;)

Ditto!.. my dear! I agree with what you said about the "not married or divorced parents" agreeing for each of them parent having a constant presence in the child's life and yes the Courts will most likely endorse it.. that is a win-win situation for the child, most importantly!
and if that were true, most of us would not have posted/continued to post here and we would not have forums like this...where you would be able to flex your intellectual skills!
 

CJane

Senior Member
that is because you are a parent with loads of common sense!
Well, I dunno about THAT.

What I DO know is that with my first child, I phased myself in. I sent her to the nursery while still in the hospital so that I could sleep. When I didn't know how to comfort her, I called in a nurse. When I was having issues breastfeeding, I asked for help. My mom stayed with me for the first 2 weeks after we came home from the hospital, and she was there every time I needed help.

Why would we deny the same for fathers by just dumping a newborn child on them? Sometimes it's not about keeping the child away from the father, it's about making sure the father is comfortable and capable before saddling him with unfamiliar responsibilities.

My own husband wasn't comfortable keeping the children for more than a few hours until they were mobile... and most of the time wanted me to do my errand running and stuff while they napped so he didn't have to 'deal'. He felt out of his depth with them, and it wasn't fair to HIM to leave the children with him for periods of time for more than a few hours.

My BF has been in my son's life for a year of his 19 months, and HE doesn't want to keep him alone for longer than an hour or two. In a perfect world, it would be different, but the REALITY is that MOST men aren't comfortable with infants for long periods of time.
 
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