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  1. #1
    bozzy1030 is offline Member
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    visitation rights - restraining order involved

    I live in NJ. I currently have a Final Restraining Order against the father of my 19 month old daughter for domestic abuse towards me. It has been in effect since June 0f 2007 (It was modified in August of the same year - a slight change in visitation schedule). He and I have joint custody, with me having residential custody. He pays 90/week in child support, and has visitation scheduled on Wednesday 5-10pm locally and overnight Friday from 6:00pm to Sunday at 8 pm. Her father and I use "curbside drop off" meaning that when he picks her up on Wednesday and Friday, someone other than me transfers my daughter to him and when I pick her up Sunday, someone is supposed to trasnfer her to me. We live in separate counties more than 60 miles apart.

    I have tried my best to ensure that he is getting his opportunity to father our daughter, meaning I've been lax with the terms of the order - that is until he recently verbally threatened me with harm. I reported this to the police as I took it very seriously (I am currently 7months pregnant with my boyfriend's baby), and he has yet to be served with the violation. I have informed in by text (which is allowed by the order) that I do not want him present for the transfers. He has been present the last two times, with his mother who was there finally when I picked her up this weekend.

    I am afraid of what he could do to my daughter (i.e. kidnap her, etc) and I also do NOT wish to see him. And I am afraid of him myself. Do I have a right to request he not be present for the transfer? Can I change the order so that I do not have to deal with him or do so less? Also, I would like to have some weekends with my daughter. How can I change? Can I also request he undergo anger management or counseling for his issues if he wants to keep seeing her?

    Need help! Thank you!
    Last edited by bozzy1030; 05-27-2008 at 01:16 PM.
  2. #2
    penelope10 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bozzy1030 View Post
    I live in NJ. I currently have a Final Restraining Order against the father of my 19 month old daughter for domestic abuse towards me. It has been in effect since June 0f 2007 (It was modified in August of the same year - a slight change in visitation schedule). He and I have joint custody, with me having residential custody. He pays 90/week in child support, and has visitation scheduled on Wednesday 5-10pm locally and overnight Friday from 6:00pm to Sunday at 8 pm. Her father and I use "curbside drop off" meaning that when he picks her up on Wednesday and Friday, someone other than me transfers my daughter to him and when I pick her up Sunday, someone is supposed to trasnfer her to me. We live in separate counties more than 60 miles apart.

    I have tried my best to ensure that he is getting his opportunity to father our daughter, meaning I've been lax with the terms of the order - that is until he recently verbally threatened me with harm. I reported this to the police as I took it very seriously (I am currently 7months pregnant with my boyfriend's baby), and he has yet to be served with the violation. I have informed in by text (which is allowed by the order) that I do not want him present for the transfers. He has been present the last two times, with his mother who was there finally when I picked her up this weekend.

    I am afraid of what he could do to my daughter (i.e. kidnap her, etc) and I also do NOT wish to see him. And I am afraid of him myself. Do I have a right to request he not be present for the transfer? Can I change the order so that I do not have to deal with him or do so less? Also, I would like to have some weekends with my daughter. How can I change? Can I also request he undergo anger management or counseling for his issues if he wants to keep seeing her?

    Need help! Thank you!
    Why did you not feel it was a good idea not to follow the order? Exactly what was in the order?
  3. #3
    bozzy1030 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope10 View Post
    Why did you not feel it was a good idea not to follow the order? Exactly what was in the order?
    I allowed contact between him and I - which, I admit, was stupid.

    Only contact allowed was by text; no phone or physical contact.
  4. #4
    Shel6 is offline Junior Member
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    I'm not sure what the law in N.J. is, but having had a restraining order on my own ex years ago, I know that in Ca if I had called the cops, he would have been arrested for violating the restraining order. Check with your local police about what their policy is. As far as your visitation, I recommend you make a modification to visitation through the local courts to request every other weekend for you and for dad. You may get to explain to the judge, or even a mediator, why you would like time on the weekends. As your daughter gets older it will make a difference to have weekend time with both parents.Make sure you document everything. From his verbal threat to how the visits went, to who was there. You can never go wrong with documenting everything. Who knows, it may be used in court if things get uglier. If dad's mom is there I wouldn't think dad is out to kidnap her. He may not like you very much, but I don't think he'd hurt his own flesh. I could be wrong though. I think dad knows its a control for you and he's taking advantage of it. You know, with any request you make to the courts, the respondent can make the same request. Was he not ordered to go to counseling and or a treatment program for the physical abuse under the restraining order hearing?
  5. #5
    Shel6 is offline Junior Member
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    As a rabbit to bozzy1030, you should have followed the order to the letter. But one time, or two does not give dad a right to verbally harm you. Go back to following the order as it is written, and document everything.
  6. #6
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shel6 View Post
    As a rabbit to bozzy1030, you should have followed the order to the letter. But one time, or two does not give dad a right to verbally harm you. Go back to following the order as it is written, and document everything.
    Oh explain that. Verbally harm?
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  7. #7
    bozzy1030 is offline Member
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    Sorry, I forgot to mention that they were unable to locate him because his address is at his mother's although he doesn't live there...

    Thank you for the advice
  8. #8
    Silverplum is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shel6 View Post
    I'm not sure what the law in N.J. is, but ...
    If you don't know, don't post. Especially if your experience is in a different state: it's just confusing to the reader/s, and of no help to the original poster.
  9. #9
    wileybunch is offline Senior Member
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    You were both violating the RO. You reported this threat, right?
    I'm confused -- Why would you have to request he not be present when transferring your child? Isn't that already in the RO? Whoever is designated to be the transfer person -- let them know the RO is still in effect and needs to be followed and that you need them to make sure they are alone with picking up/dropping off.

    Q: Can I change the order so that I do not have to deal with him or do so less?
    A: Again, I thought your RO already addressed this so that you wouldn't have contact during drop off/pick up.

    Q: Also, I would like to have some weekends with my daughter. How can I change?
    A: What is your current schedule? Why don't you have any weekends w/her?

    Q: Can I also request he undergo anger management or counseling for his issues if he wants to keep seeing her?
    A: If you both follow the CO, you should hardly if at all be aware of his anger and he shouldn't pose any physical threat.
  10. #10
    bozzy1030 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by wileybunch View Post
    You were both violating the RO. You reported this threat, right?
    I'm confused -- Why would you have to request he not be present when transferring your child? Isn't that already in the RO? Whoever is designated to be the transfer person -- let them know the RO is still in effect and needs to be followed and that you need them to make sure they are alone with picking up/dropping off.

    Q: Can I change the order so that I do not have to deal with him or do so less?
    A: Again, I thought your RO already addressed this so that you wouldn't have contact during drop off/pick up.

    Q: Also, I would like to have some weekends with my daughter. How can I change?
    A: What is your current schedule? Why don't you have any weekends w/her?

    Q: Can I also request he undergo anger management or counseling for his issues if he wants to keep seeing her?
    A: If you both follow the CO, you should hardly if at all be aware of his anger and he shouldn't pose any physical threat.
    The transfer person is supposed to be his mother. It's not clearly stated in the order, and she's pretty much stated she no longer wants to do her part.

    I have no weekends with her as decided in the order. My question is how to go about changing that.

    He was posing a physical threat because up until this past week, he was transferring her to me, saying his mother wasn't available to transfer her to me. The cops in the area where I pick her up are completely unsympathetic to this, whereas the cops in my town have no problem doing a drive-by during the pickup if i can and ask.
  11. #11
    wileybunch is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bozzy1030 View Post
    The transfer person is supposed to be his mother. It's not clearly stated in the order, and she's pretty much stated she no longer wants to do her part.
    Does your order state there SHALL be a transfer person? What does your order actually say exactly?

    Quote Originally Posted by bozzy1030 View Post
    I have no weekends with her as decided in the order. My question is how to go about changing that.
    How was that decided? By agreement between you and Dad? Or after judge heard evidence? When was that order filed? Why don't you have ANY weekends in the first place?
  12. #12
    Silverplum is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bozzy1030 View Post
    I have no weekends with her as decided in the order. My question is how to go about changing that.
    By filing a modification to your parenting plan. But there must be a change of circumstances for the child -- what is it?
  13. #13
    bozzy1030 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by wileybunch View Post
    Does your order state there SHALL be a transfer person? What does your order actually say exactly?

    How was that decided? By agreement between you and Dad? Or after judge heard evidence? When was that order filed? Why don't you have ANY weekends in the first place?
    I'm not to have any physical contact with him. So there is always a need for a transfer person.

    Judge heard no evidence. Before the order, he had been getting her on weekends as I worked weekends at the time and he didn't. The judge simply stated that it was the best interest of the child to see her father as much as possible (which, at the time, I agreed to, because he wasn't as threatening as he is now...). It was a very quick proceeding, because at the time, we were much more amicable than we are now. Now that he's seen I've moved on (I'm pregnant) and happy without him, he's gone off the deep end a bit.

    As for the change of circumstances, I have been leaving back at home with my parents and will be moving in with my boyfriend by the end of June. My parents will have no opportunity to see her because they work during the week.

    Sorry if I'm not making this all clear...
    Last edited by bozzy1030; 05-27-2008 at 09:26 PM.
  14. #14
    wileybunch is offline Senior Member
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    Your parents have nothing to do with this at all. It's your time and dad's time that matters, period.

    So you used to work weekends so that's why Dad got her every weekend? Now you don't work weekends? What kind of split of time did you all have then? If your schedule changed and you no longer get any days off with child, then you should be able to request a modification to the current parenting time ordered so that you all have the same split of time like you had before, if possible. Try to work it out with Dad first if you can, but if not you can petition the court to change the parenting plan to your proposal.
  15. #15
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by wileybunch View Post
    Your parents have nothing to do with this at all. It's your time and dad's time that matters, period.

    So you used to work weekends so that's why Dad got her every weekend? Now you don't work weekends? What kind of split of time did you all have then? If your schedule changed and you no longer get any days off with child, then you should be able to request a modification to the current parenting time ordered so that you all have the same split of time like you had before, if possible. Try to work it out with Dad first if you can, but if not you can petition the court to change the parenting plan to your proposal.
    I agree. Courts recognize that children need quality/down time with both parents. That's a valid change in circumstance.

    HOWEVER.....if you are not working at all, because you are pregnant, that argument may not fly, because your child would have lots of quality time with you.

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