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Weak Grounds for Emergency Custody?

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Isis1

Senior Member
Mom. Child is forced to be along for the ride, and receive the bruises and scars from it. And, at the risk of sounding like a whiny teenager, it's just not fair to him.
I'm going to assume you meant bruises and scars metaphorically...

Okay, here's the problem. Mom is only a trainwreck to your standards. Not in a legal sense. Now, if you are concerned about his emotional well being, tgan maybe a third unbiased party may be in order. Like a counselor? Because no matter what, the "trainwreck" will always be present in his life. And will always have an influence on him and you cannot dictate that. Ever. What you can do is provide your child with coping skills for future instances where he will need to be able to adjust to not having everything all rosy. Life isn't like that.

And to point out something, i want you to read your post back, and find how many times you actually stated the child is being harmed. What are the affects to the child that you have already listed. Not mom. The child. What is wrong with the child?
 


stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I have been married for over a year now, and together with my wife for almost 5 years. My wife has owned her home for 10 years, I have lived there for 3, and during that time my son has had his own bedroom; we have had no roommates.
Uuuh, yeah - you have. You lived with her for ~two years, unmarried. That IS a roommate. So really, don't call the kettle black, pot.
 

Rushia

Senior Member
I'm going to assume you meant bruises and scars metaphorically...

Okay, here's the problem. Mom is only a trainwreck to your standards. Not in a legal sense. Now, if you are concerned about his emotional well being, tgan maybe a third unbiased party may be in order. Like a counselor? Because no matter what, the "trainwreck" will always be present in his life. And will always have an influence on him and you cannot dictate that. Ever. What you can do is provide your child with coping skills for future instances where he will need to be able to adjust to not having everything all rosy. Life isn't like that.

And to point out something, i want you to read your post back, and find how many times you actually stated the child is being harmed. What are the affects to the child that you have already listed. Not mom. The child. What is wrong with the child?
He mentioned ADD and ODD. As a mom dealing with a child dx'd with ODD**************and pretty darn sure that her second has the same problem....it's NOT pretty.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
He mentioned ADD and ODD. As a mom dealing with a child dx'd with ODD**************and pretty darn sure that her second has the same problem....it's NOT pretty.
While I agree that its often not pretty, his child IS getting good grades in school.
 

Rushia

Senior Member
While I agree that its often not pretty, his child IS getting good grades in school.
As does my oldest, the one who was dx'd. He's extremely smart. But ODD is a nightmare to deal with. My child's school after 5 stinkin years is finally attempting to address the issue. I had to threaten to SUE them to shut up about ADHD before they finally accepted and dealt with the issue.
 

Shears

Member
I'm going to assume you meant bruises and scars metaphorically...

Okay, here's the problem. Mom is only a trainwreck to your standards. Not in a legal sense. Now, if you are concerned about his emotional well being, tgan maybe a third unbiased party may be in order. Like a counselor? Because no matter what, the "trainwreck" will always be present in his life. And will always have an influence on him and you cannot dictate that. Ever. What you can do is provide your child with coping skills for future instances where he will need to be able to adjust to not having everything all rosy. Life isn't like that.

And to point out something, i want you to read your post back, and find how many times you actually stated the child is being harmed. What are the affects to the child that you have already listed. Not mom. The child. What is wrong with the child?
Yes, I definitely mean metaphorically - there is no physical abuse that I can see or I'd have called DFACS already.

The explanation of what's happening to my son, and how I see my ex causing or contributing to it, is of course lengthy. The future implications are even lengthier - I won't list them here, but if you're interested let me know and I'll send you that info.

For one, our son has ADD. The lack of addressing of this problem on my ex's part has done him a disservice (the well researched and documented effects of untreated ADD, via medication or otherwise, are horrible on a child's school performance and socialization). After 5 months of some pretty stressful email exchanges, my ex has finally agreed to acknowledgment and treatment. In the meantime, he's the one who suffered.

For the comorbid problems, we have had one family visit with a counselor (parents only), and are awaiting mental health benefits to be approved in order to start my son on visits. He has been tentatively diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant/Conduct Disorder, awaiting future evaluation with the therapist.

Symptoms Our Son exhibits (and if you'd like to see specific examples I can provide them):
*Often starts arguments and will not give up
*Constant/compulsive lying
*Blames all his problems on others
*Lack of physical boundaries
*Threatens/bullies others
*Cruelty to animals

The Causes:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder:

1) Limits set by parents are too harsh or too lax, or an inconsistent mix of both.
...I believe this is key. I have consistent rules in my home - and my ex does not. In our first ADD evaluation visit with the pediatrician, where our son was present, the doctor herself asked our son questions about his routines, and most answers he gave went like this: "well, at my dad's house, I always xyz, but at my mom's house, I don't have to." There is a definite inconsistent mix.

2) Family life lacks clear structure; rules, limits, and discipline are uncertain or inconsistently applied.
...see #1 above.

3) At least one parent models oppositional behavior in his or her own interactions with others. For example, mother or father may get into frequent disputes with neighbors, store clerks, other family members, etc., in front of the child.
...I really can't say whether or not this happens in her home in front of him. I can only say it's not how we interact in my home.

4) At least one parent is emotionally or physically unavailable to the child due to emotional problems of the parent (such as depression), separation or divorce, or work hours.
...I can say this does not happen in our home. As for my ex, I proved this was happening in our 2008 trial, via my ex's internet addiction, with documentation. The judge determined that the internet time was a 'sort of support system' for her, and deemed it a 'good thing'.

Conduct Disorder:
"There is a strong correlation between children diagnosed with conduct disorder and a significant level of family dysfunction, poor parenting practices, an overemphasis on coercion and hostile communication patterns, verbal and physical aggression and a history of maltreatment"

Regarding the poor parenting practices, I believe (whether the court does or not is a different story) that the lack of structure documented at the ADD evaluation, and the following issues, which I don't know how to prove, but exist, are poor parenting practices:
1) Weekly homework often not done when I pick my son up on Thursday afternoons, leaving that visitation night to be spent guiding him through a week's worth of homework
2) Poor nutrition (e.g., jelly [just jelly] sandwich and water for lunch); doesn't happen every day, but happens at least 2-3 times a month
3) Tired because he slept on the couch in front of the TV (on a schoolnight - he's 7); again not every day, 2-3 times a month


The common themes in the causes are lack of structure, and hostile communication.

The above information, coupled with the 4 residential moves and 2 school moves since the 2008 order, demonstrate the lack of structure I feel are directly caused by my ex. I do not see any stability in the environment she provides him.

Again, I really can't speak for the communication style in my ex's life. I only know her communication style with me, and I would like to think that the 'unique hostility' she has toward me contributes to her communication style with me. It's my hope that this is not her universal communication style. The communication style in my household couldn't be further from hostile. My wife and I both had horribly acerbic initial marriages, and one of the most sacred values of our marriage is to be respectful to each other, even in anger.

The treatment for *all three* of the above disorders, in addition to the standard medication and therapy, involves structure, routine, and stability in the child's home life.

There was a reader earlier who stated 7 was 'a bit early' to be worrying about diagnosing my son - such an ignorant statement when you research these conditions and see the importance of early diagnosis and treatment in order to try to develop healthy patterns in the affected child's life, as well as the disturbing implications of non-treatment.

So that's it in an enormous nutshell. I'm doing absolutely everything I can on my end to help my son; what I'm doing now may be all I can do. But my hope is that a judge allows me to provide consistent stability in his life on a daily basis, because for the last 3 years I don't see that he's getting that with his mother, and her latest decision is right on track with the historical ones.
 

Shears

Member
Uuuh, yeah - you have. You lived with her for ~two years, unmarried. That IS a roommate. So really, don't call the kettle black, pot.

I think this will be the last response I make on this thread to judgmental, ignorant comments.

My problem with my ex's roommates is her lack of disclosure, and the frequent in and out in my son's life.

I had been with my wife (girlfriend at the time) for 2 years. We got engaged. I *asked* my ex if she would agree to *allow* me to live with my fiancee, after we got engaged. That's what respectful people do in this situation.

My ex agreed, in writing. If she had not, I would not have moved in.

I try to do things the right way on my end, and understand my responsibility to my son and to our custody agreement, having taken both into account before I made my decision.

I am finding the constructive comments (not necessary in agreement with me, btw, but constructive and accurate) from others very helpful though, so if anyone with a few cups of coffee and time on their hands feels like reading and contributing, please continue to do so. And thank you for all the advice and resources.
 

Shears

Member
While I agree that its often not pretty, his child IS getting good grades in school.
You're right - he's getting good grades in school for now. Research, and counseling with his teacher and school counselor, point to it being a matter of time before his academic success is compromised if his health and behavior isn't addressed.

We are in the fall of his second grade year, and he now has homework. Mom isn't overseeing his completion of it, and if I don't pick up the slack there, we will start going downhill already in little old 2nd grade. You will see in my other post that I am quite often spending Thursday nights teaching him his weekly vocab words for the first time, when his tests are on Fridays.

I love him, and care about him, and will continue to pick up her slack, however much it does not benefit her, or the custody situation. Because to let her fail so I can then take her to court means letting my son fail, and I'm not prepared to do that as a means to an end. I feel like I'm the only one in his corner right now. I am just looking for the legal means to get the custody changed where my son can more likely get what he needs 65% of the time instead of 35%, as his odds in life are a lot better that way. I know there's no guarantee on either side, but if I were in Vegas, I'd bet on me for his future.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
I haven't read all of it yet, but i have to say something before i finish reading. Stop mentioning what mom does or not do in her house. You are caving yourself in.

Okay, back to reading.

Internet addiction. Okay, is this my husband??? a support system is GOOD. I use it as well. It's easier than talking on the phone. Example. I've been talking to you all day trying to help you. Guess what else i did? Two loads of laundry, load of dishes, swept, vacuumed, picked up 1 of my four kids from school, went to the market and started dinner. And i'll probably be back on again after the kids go to bed. Unless a doctor diagnoses, it's not good to play doctor with the judge.

Then you complain mom did not work to help the child, but now she is cooperating. All the judge hears is, mom is now cooperating.

I'll go back again to read more....
 
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Rushia

Senior Member
I haven't read all of it yet, but i have to say something before i finish reading. Stop mentioning what mom does or not do in her house. You are caving yourself in.

Okay, back to reading.

Internet addiction. Okay, is this my husband??? a support system is GOOD. I use it as well. It's easier than talking on the phone. Example. I've been talking to you all day trying to help you. Guess what else i did? Two loads of laundry, load of dishes, swept, vacuumed, picked up 1 of my four kids from school, went to the market and started dinner. And i'll probably be back on again after the kids go to bed. Unless a doctor diagnoses, it's not good to play doctor with the judge.

Then you complain mom did not work to help the child, but now she is cooperating. All the judge hears is, mom is now cooperating.

I'll go back again to read more....
Isis, I'm not sure that he meant to use it on a legal angle. I think he's attempting to explain ODD. Trust me, he's right.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
Okay, this is a tad bit of a sore spot for me, so bear with me. A lot of parents become resistant when someone tells them there is something wrong with their child. It hurts. You're not sure if you did something wrong, aomething you could have prevented. It takes a minute for some parents to accept it. But, she's involved now, and that's all that matters. All a judge will care about.

Is the child receiving services? In home therapy? I love the in home therapy, as a parent, i enjoy the education i get from the therapist attention and suggestions. In fact, my daughter is receiving her speech therapy right now. Suggest mom to look into home therapy. It will help her as well as the child.

In the defense of stealth, not that she asked, but a lot of diagnoses are mistaken due to age issues. Some of the children got wrong services for something they would have outgrown anyway. It happens. Alot. Sometimes it's just too early.
 

Shears

Member
Isis, I'm not sure that he meant to use it on a legal angle. I think he's attempting to explain ODD. Trust me, he's right.

I'm not sure I know how to get this point across, but...

It seems like in the legal world, e.g., the last time we were in court, so many claims 'against' another parent are looked at as part of the game. I know in my bones what my son needs, and I know in my bones how Mom is contributing to it and obstructing the treatment of it, and I don't know how to get the judge to take it seriously and really think about our son and not 'the fight'.

Do I need to present the court with evidence from a doctor that says proves the diagnoses, the causes, and the treatment, and specifically names who, based on their evaluation, can best provide that environment?

And if so, do you know the best route to find someone that is both knowledgable in this psychiatric area AND able to be an objective party, approved by the court (however that works!), and not shown to be 'on my side'? I'm not looking for someone on my side. I'm looking for someone to enforce my son's needs. If that means a doctor explaining things to the judge in a manner that makes the judge force my ex-wife to do what she needs to do to stop moving homes and schools, and give our son some basic rules, guidance, and nutrition, and pay attention to his behavior, and take him to the doctor without my having to beg her to notice him, I would absolutely take that.
 

txmom512

Member
As does my oldest, the one who was dx'd. He's extremely smart. But ODD is a nightmare to deal with. My child's school after 5 stinkin years is finally attempting to address the issue. I had to threaten to SUE them to shut up about ADHD before they finally accepted and dealt with the issue.
There's a woman on another board I go to sometimes who has a dd that is pretty difficult - she was a preemie, has ODD, ADD, sensory issues...

She has a new book she got on personality and discipline strategies, etc. She said it's Working Wonders... I'll ask her what book it is for you if you'd like.
 

Shears

Member
Okay, this is a tad bit of a sore spot for me, so bear with me. A lot of parents become resistant when someone tells them there is something wrong with their child. It hurts. You're not sure if you did something wrong, aomething you could have prevented. It takes a minute for some parents to accept it. But, she's involved now, and that's all that matters. All a judge will care about.

Is the child receiving services? In home therapy? I love the in home therapy, as a parent, i enjoy the education i get from the therapist attention and suggestions. In fact, my daughter is receiving her speech therapy right now. Suggest mom to look into home therapy. It will help her as well as the child.

In the defense of stealth, not that she asked, but a lot of diagnoses are mistaken due to age issues. Some of the children got wrong services for something they would have outgrown anyway. It happens. Alot. Sometimes it's just too early.

I agree 100% - I wore kid gloves when I introduced the medical issues to her. I spent a lot of time calmly responding to a good deal of defensive outrage from her, and consistent denial of the problems. I *know* it's hard to accept there's something 'wrong' with our child. I'm his other parent - I spent a lot of time in denial, too, and I've lost a lot of sleep and tears over this.

Yes, she is finally acknowledging some (not all) things, and listening to the doctors so far (i.e., agreeing to medication even though she was a staunch anti-medication person - now she reports positive results with regards to the meds on his attention issues).

My concern, and reason for posting, is she's still not 'getting it' enough to stop the instability in his life, and provide structure. That hasn't changed at all yet, in any facet. She is only medicating. I just can't express how upset I am over this move - particularly because I would lay money on it lasting at most 2 years. I would truly bet my life on it. So likely in 2 years or less, he'll be in another home, another school.

But I see what you're saying - the judge will focus on the fact that she is doing something now, today, in the name of treatment, and that will very likely be enough for the judge to deny a custody modification. I can see that playing out.

Thanks for taking the time to bounce these thoughts around, and help include the legal light into my emotional one. I appreciate it. I'm going to keep doing my best by my son on this end with the hand we've been dealt.
 
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