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What is abandonment/When is it considered abandonment?

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JLMathews

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Kentucky, but child and soon-to-be ex husband are in Alabama.

Okay, I'm the mother of a nearly two month old little boy. His father and I, my husband, have decided that we want a divorce. His father, while I was pregnant, and while I was sleeping in a waiting room of a hospital while our son was in the natal ICU, decided he was going to be unfaithful and sleep with other women. He has also gotten violent with me in the past. Before you ask, no I did not report it to the police, as there were no real bruises to be shown, nor was it extreme violence (i.e. I was not beaten, though he did hit me once or twice, nor was I threatened with a weapon.), and so I did not feel I needed to report it.

In deciding I wanted a divorce, I also decided that I wanted to move to Louisville, Kentucky, to make a better life for me and my son. My husband made me believe that if I left the state with our son, he would call the police and have me arrested on kidnapping charges. This is my first question. Could he have done that without a court order stating that I couldn't leave the state with our son?

He agreed that he would bring our son to me in July, no later than July 23rd. He also agreed not to try to get my rights revoked by claiming abandonment. I am worried that he just made those promises so that I would leave my son with him. The only other reason I left my son with him was so that I could find a job here, which I did within nine days of being in Louisville. I have also sent him $50, to assist in buying diapers, and getting gas, and other necessities. This was all I was able to send at the time, but I will be sending more. I do have documentation of sending the money.

So, my two questions are the following: Could my husband have gotten me arrested on kidnapping charges, without a court order stating that I couldn't leave the state with our son? And, can he get me on abandonment charges, when I am sending money back, have documentation of sending the money, and have my rights revoked from seeing my child?
 


CourtClerk

Senior Member
So, my two questions are the following: Could my husband have gotten me arrested on kidnapping charges, without a court order stating that I couldn't leave the state with our son?
No, however, he could have immediately filed for divorce and the court could have ordered the child be returned to the jurisdiction of the court. Whether you came back WITH the child would have been up to you, but baby would have needed to be returned.
And, can he get me on abandonment charges, when I am sending money back, have documentation of sending the money, and have my rights revoked from seeing my child?
No again.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What is the name of your state? Kentucky, but child and soon-to-be ex husband are in Alabama.
Okay.

Okay, I'm the mother of a nearly two month old little boy. His father and I, my husband, have decided that we want a divorce. His father, while I was pregnant, and while I was sleeping in a waiting room of a hospital while our son was in the natal ICU, decided he was going to be unfaithful and sleep with other women. He has also gotten violent with me in the past. Before you ask, no I did not report it to the police, as there were no real bruises to be shown, nor was it extreme violence (i.e. I was not beaten, though he did hit me once or twice, nor was I threatened with a weapon.), and so I did not feel I needed to report it.
Okay. So it does NOT matter at all.

In deciding I wanted a divorce, I also decided that I wanted to move to Louisville, Kentucky, to make a better life for me and my son. My husband made me believe that if I left the state with our son, he would call the police and have me arrested on kidnapping charges. This is my first question. Could he have done that without a court order stating that I couldn't leave the state with our son?
He could have called but you are the mother of the child and were not kidnapping the child.

He agreed that he would bring our son to me in July, no later than July 23rd. He also agreed not to try to get my rights revoked by claiming abandonment. I am worried that he just made those promises so that I would leave my son with him.
Okay. And that is very likely.

The only other reason I left my son with him was so that I could find a job here, which I did within nine days of being in Louisville. I have also sent him $50, to assist in buying diapers, and getting gas, and other necessities. This was all I was able to send at the time, but I will be sending more. I do have documentation of sending the money.
Okay.

So, my two questions are the following: Could my husband have gotten me arrested on kidnapping charges, without a court order stating that I couldn't leave the state with our son?
No.

And, can he get me on abandonment charges, when I am sending money back, have documentation of sending the money, and have my rights revoked from seeing my child?

No but he can file for divorce and be awarded PRIMARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY and you would be visiting your child. The act of leaving your child with the father tells the court that you find him a fit and able parent. It also shows the court that HE CAN take care of the child. Hence that is the way it will be.
 

JLMathews

Junior Member
No but he can file for divorce and be awarded PRIMARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY and you would be visiting your child. The act of leaving your child with the father tells the court that you find him a fit and able parent. It also shows the court that HE CAN take care of the child. Hence that is the way it will be.

The thing is, since I left, he has been leaving our son with his mother while he goes to work. This is fine, however, he gets off work between 11pm and 12am, but does not go to pick our son up. Instead, he waits for his mother to bring our son home at 4:30am, then goes to sleep, leaving his girlfriend to take care of our son. This is after agreeing that he would go pick up our son every night after work. Instead, he is not only leaving the baby with his mother all night, he is also leaving him with his parents for the weekends, instead of spending hardly any time with our child, and acting as a true parent.
 

CourtClerk

Senior Member
So he cannot get me on abandonment charges, because I'm sending the money back? Does it matter how long I'm gone? Also, what happens if he does not bring the baby to Louisville by July 23rd, as agreed in a verbal agreement?
If he doesn't bring the baby back to Louisville, nothing happens. You can go Alabama and file an action, but chances are baby is staying in Alabama.
 

CourtClerk

Senior Member
The thing is, since I left, he has been leaving our son with his mother while he goes to work. This is fine, however, he gets off work between 11pm and 12am, but does not go to pick our son up. Instead, he waits for his mother to bring our son home at 4:30am, then goes to sleep, leaving his girlfriend to take care of our son. This is after agreeing that he would go pick up our son every night after work. Instead, he is not only leaving the baby with his mother all night, he is also leaving him with his parents for the weekends, instead of spending hardly any time with our child, and acting as a true parent.
Oh good grief. The man works nights. He obviously needs time to sleep. Having a night job and a newborn baby requires creative parenting. So what that mom does him a FAVOR and keeps the baby until 4:30. So what that he has a babysitter to take care of the child, even if the babysitter is his girlfriend. He can do that. It's his right. That's the decision he's made as the child's FATHER.
 

JLMathews

Junior Member
Oh good grief. The man works nights. He obviously needs time to sleep. Having a night job and a newborn baby requires creative parenting. So what that mom does him a FAVOR and keeps the baby until 4:30. So what that he has a babysitter to take care of the child, even if the babysitter is his girlfriend. He can do that. It's his right. That's the decision he's made as the child's FATHER.
The agreement was that he would pick the baby up every night. I understand that he needs sleep. But he can go pick the baby up on his way home from work, and then go to sleep. The baby falls asleep on car rides, no matter what. What he's doing is coming home from work, staying up until the baby gets home (not taking that time to sleep) and then going to sleep as soon as his mother gets there with the baby, leaving all the work to the girlfriend.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
The thing is, since I left, he has been leaving our son with his mother while he goes to work. This is fine, however, he gets off work between 11pm and 12am, but does not go to pick our son up. Instead, he waits for his mother to bring our son home at 4:30am, then goes to sleep, leaving his girlfriend to take care of our son. This is after agreeing that he would go pick up our son every night after work. Instead, he is not only leaving the baby with his mother all night, he is also leaving him with his parents for the weekends, instead of spending hardly any time with our child, and acting as a true parent.
SO? The thing is, you don't appear to the court to care abuot this situation because you LEFT YOUR CHILD in this situation. And if you honestly believe this is a negative situation then you would do something to change it or you would be worse than he is. You are not SPENDING ANY TIME with your child so he has you beat.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
The agreement was that he would pick the baby up every night. I understand that he needs sleep. But he can go pick the baby up on his way home from work, and then go to sleep. The baby falls asleep on car rides, no matter what. What he's doing is coming home from work, staying up until the baby gets home (not taking that time to sleep) and then going to sleep as soon as his mother gets there with the baby, leaving all the work to the girlfriend.
Here is the thing: YOU do not get to dictate. YOU LEFT. You left the baby with him. how do you know what the baby does at this point in the baby's life? How do you know the day to day schedule of this child or how much time spends with the child? You are NOT there. You are in another state. You may THINK you know but dad is still partaking in the child's life a heck of a lot more than you. Dad is also making sure that the child is being taken care of by adults and providing for the child's needs.


Oh and $50 is NOTHING compared to the costs of a baby. $50 barely covers two weeks worth of formula let alone diapers, clothes, bottles, electric, and what not. While you have not abandoned the child you have LEFT.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Moral of this story for anyone else reading this thread?

Ask for advice BEFORE you do something. At least then you will know the truth and can make an informed decision.
 
I don't think you fully understand the position you are in. You left the child with him in Alabama, and it's very possible that you shot yourself in the foot with that decision. If you chose to stay in Kentucky, and he does not send you the baby in July, you will not only be looking at loss of custody, but also paying child support and the costs of transportation for visitation.

Is your STBX willing to sign an agreement allowing the child to relocate and have that agreement incorporated in the divorce? That could be done, if he is willing (big if), but since he has already mentioned words like abandonment and kidnapping, I suspect that won't happen.

Alabama has very strict requirements for relocation. You should consider moving back to Alabama and getting this worked out before starting a new life in another state.
 

JLMathews

Junior Member
The thing is, I couldn't take my baby with me. I wanted to. I tried to. But he said he could get me on kidnapping charges, said that his dad had gotten his mom when she tried to leave and take them. I don't know the laws in Alabama, I only lived there for a little over a year. I call to check on my son every day. I came up here to make a better life for him. My question is now, what is the best way to get custody of my son?
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
The thing is, I couldn't take my baby with me. I wanted to. I tried to. But he said he could get me on kidnapping charges, said that his dad had gotten his mom when she tried to leave and take them. I don't know the laws in Alabama, I only lived there for a little over a year. I call to check on my son every day. I came up here to make a better life for him. My question is now, what is the best way to get custody of my son?
Ignorance of the law is NOT a defense. The best way to get custody -- you are going to have a slim chance. You need to petition the court in Alabama for custody. If you have ability to even file due to the jurisdiction issues -- you would have to file in Alabama however. The other option you have is to move back in to the marital home. And the next time you decide to leave, you take your son with you.
 
The thing is, I couldn't take my baby with me. I wanted to. I tried to. But he said he could get me on kidnapping charges, said that his dad had gotten his mom when she tried to leave and take them. I don't know the laws in Alabama, I only lived there for a little over a year. I call to check on my son every day. I came up here to make a better life for him. My question is now, what is the best way to get custody of my son?
You should not have left the baby and moved to another state. That was your choice. If you want to be a part of the child's life, move back to Alabama. I strongly advise you to get an attorney in Alabama and see what you can work out with your STBX. You are basically at his mercy now. Would your STBX agree to joint custody? I have read that Alabama judges will allow joint if it is agreed to by both parties, but if one is unwilling, there will be primary for one, with visitation for the other. If you STBX wants primary, he will probably get his wish. You really should not be making demands in your position.
 

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