What is best for the child....

[SMURFEELAW]

What is the name of your state? Arizona

A few of you might remember me but here is quick background.
I am step-mom and my husband has joint legal sole physical custody with Mom having supervised visitation only (Supervisor to be approved by Dad)

Mom & Dad divorced in Feb 2002. 50/50 physical custody from June 2002- July 2004 since then Child has lived with us full time. I have been a permanent part of Dad/ child's lives since July 2002. My step-daughter is 7 1/2.

Mom was ordered to 6 month random drug testing in Oct 2004 and has yet to complete any testing. She has had very limited visitation w/ the child since August of 2002. She does live 200 miles away, but the lack of visitation is mostly due to her non-compliance of the drug testing and constant involvement with known addicts to where dad does not feel that the child is safe, even with a Supervisor due to mom also having some difficulty controlling what she says to and in front of the child. I have often acted as the Supervisor (Dad's choice) mom would also prefer me to dad although she obviously prefers no supervision. Her mother has also acted as the Supervisor but wrote the Court that she could not deal with it.

Here is the question I have.

My husband and I both know (the only reason I include myself is because "we" often discuss the situation before my husband makes a decision) that the most important thing is what is best for the child. Obviously being a girl and 7 and not knowing anything about mom's problems, exept that a judge set certain rules and Mom has to follow those rules before child can see mom more often and w/o someone else there, her mom and their relationship are very important. Over the Christmas break maternal Grandma (lives in same town as mom) said she would give it another go and be the supervisor b/c she said mom was doing really well so my husband agreed and child went to grandmas for 3 days mom stayed with grandma. Grandma asked for an extra day and dad agreed and then grandma all of a sudden backed out and later we were told that mom spent most the time on the phone and had kept child up all night long with her one night and that mom did not spend much time at all with the child (besides that one night) mom had unknown male visitors (her mother had strictly prohibited this) and the one cardinal rule was broken, which is child was not to be left alone with mom for any length of time (grandma, mom, brother (11) {Grandma has custody of brother}, cousin (11) and child went to the movies grandma couldn't afford all the tickets so Grandma could not go and mom was alone with child and two other minors).

So now mom has called and asked for child to go to her mothers for Spring Break. We have not heard from grandma that she has agreed to this but Dad is trying to decide if child's need to see mom outweighs dad's fear that mom is still not responsible enough.

Any advice? Should he let her go (if grandma is willing to supervise) or stick to his guns, I don't think mom will ever do what the Court has ordered as long as she gets to see the child every few months or so but if mom cannot comply to the Court Order the child suffers, she loves her mom and her mom loves her BUT....

Thanks I know it is long I just didn't want anyone to have to search back to 2005 to look up background.

[LdiJ]

Since grandma didn't live up to the job of supervising the child last time, what makes you think that grandma will do it properly this time?

[fairisfair]

if you are just looking for opinions. Mine is no. If mom is that intent to see the child, she can come to the child, where dad or another reliable adult is present to supervise. If she is not willing to do that. then there is a reason, and it can't be good.

[nextwife]

It appears that Mom's mom is almost as unreliable as is Mom herself.

That's a NO!

[SMURFEELAW]

That is where my husband is and I agreed but sometimes you have to be checked by people that may be on the other side or at least not so emotionally invested, because as everyone knows sometimes you lead with your emotions in these situations and no matter what you have to lead with logic.

I guess I just thought we may be too close too be un-biased.

Grandma I think still wants so much to believe that her baby (mom) will be okay that she fools herslf into thinking this time it will be different and then everyone there is able to manipulate dad by telling him he is cruel and child will hate him in the future for keeping child from mom.

Double edge sword I guess.

Thanks for the advice-- anyone been through something similar and have any advice as to when, how and what to tell child b/c she is asking a lot more questions and the answer she has been given isn't cutting it for her lately and she is only getting older and smarter.

[SickOfTheFight]

Get the little on into some sort of counseling for her to have a safe place to express the feelings.
There are not good answers to give a child at this age, but getting them off her chest may help a lot.
IMHO
Good Luck

[SMURFEELAW]

Thanks- I just feel so bad for her in all this, my mom also had a problem but I was never taken from her so I know what could happen if Dad does allow the visitation but I also know what it feels like to love and miss your mom no matter what she has done, and for my SD to not know what the problem is or that we worry for her safety and yet still not see mom just makes me want to force mom into action and make her see what she is doing and missing before she waits so long that her later efforts won't matter. I guess our only choice is to look into a good counselor (you just hear all the stories about the bad ones and it scares me to death)...

We have tried the advice of mom coming here and I have even taken both the children (mom's son who is not biologically my husbands son but a member of the family nonetheless) to see her when she actually did live in our area, but mom truly resents my role and is rude to me despite the fact that I have tried to help her.

[fairisfair]

personally, I would just tell her that Mom is really busy working on somethings by herself right now. That everybody loves her very much and wants to be the best possible person that they can be for her and that sometimes that means staying away for a little while, even when you want to see someone very very much. Then go play some hopscotch or something!

[SMURFEELAW]

Originally Posted by fairisfair

personally, I would just tell her that Mom is really busy working on somethings by herself right now. That everybody loves her very much and wants to be the best possible person that they can be for her and that sometimes that means staying away for a little while, even when you want to see someone very very much. Then go play some hopscotch or something!

That is exactly what we have said for 2 1/2 years and it worked, BUT the child now wants to know why mom hasn't followed the rules yet and specifically what the rules are and mom has said a few things on the phone to child that makes dad and I look like the bad guys but we can't correct it w/o bashing mom to child and we both swore we would never ever do that...

I apologize I am beating a dead horse, I will let everyone know of the outcome to what my husband decides and that reaction of mom on the legal issues involved

[casa]

Originally Posted by SMURFEELAW

That is exactly what we have said for 2 1/2 years and it worked, BUT the child now wants to know why mom hasn't followed the rules yet and specifically what the rules are and mom has said a few things on the phone to child that makes dad and I look like the bad guys but we can't correct it w/o bashing mom to child and we both swore we would never ever do that...

I apologize I am beating a dead horse, I will let everyone know of the outcome to what my husband decides and that reaction of mom on the legal issues involved

I ditto the advice to get her into counseling...get some direction on age-appropriate explanations for her.