What to do about step parent spanking

[going_crazy]

What is the name of your state? NH

My children came home from a weekend with their father. My oldest son told me his father's girlfriend spanked him. This has been an issue for some time. She has done this before, I have spoken with her and my ex husband about this matter to no avail. I don't feel that she has a right to lay a hand on my children, my ex husband thinks she has the right to discipline this way when they are with him.

What can I do ?

 

[lisagr33]

Is the ex-husband there when the girlfriend is spanking the child? Is she actually his wife or just the girlfriend? If the ex-husband was there then he should be punishing the child/children not her. This can be a very sticky situation.

 

[going_crazy]

The ex husband was there. He spanked my son first and the girlfriend got angry and spanked him too. This is what my 7 year old tells me. She is actually his girlfriend not his wife. I have had numerous conversations wth my ex husband and his girlfriend about this. It concerns me so much this time because the last time this happened, she scared the heck out of my children, I told her that if she did it again I would call the police. I'm just not sure if I should get the police involved or not, I'm not getting anywhere just talking to them about it.

 

[lisagr33]

To be honest with you, she shouldn't be punishing the children if the dad is there. Is there anything specific in your court order about discipline? Did she leave marks on your son?

 

[BelizeBreeze]

The ex husband was there. He spanked my son first and the girlfriend got angry and spanked him too. This is what my 7 year old tells me. She is actually his girlfriend not his wife. I have had numerous conversations wth my ex husband and his girlfriend about this. It concerns me so much this time because the last time this happened, she scared the heck out of my children, I told her that if she did it again I would call the police. I'm just not sure if I should get the police involved or not, I'm not getting anywhere just talking to them about it.

Tell your ex that if it happens again, you will file for an order of protection on behalf of your children and against the girlfriend.

Then do it.

 

[going_crazy]

She left no marks and there is nothing about discipline in the divorce decree. My divorce decree is rather vague on most terms.

 

[Content]

Franky while I sympathize with you I don't know how far you will get without a more specific order especially regarding the discipline. I think you need to modify the court order before you start seriously pressing issues. While I do think that step parents should be allowed to discipline, I do not think physical discipline is appropriate. Start figuring out exactly what you want modified and why and then get a lawyer and modify it.

Once you have the order modified then start strictly enforcing it. Because then you have very specific and clear cut guidelines to follow. In the meantime perhaps send your ex a letter telling him that his girlfriend phyically disciplining the kids is completely unacceptable and it needs to stop immediately.

 

[betterthanher]

She left no marks and there is nothing about discipline in the divorce decree. My divorce decree is rather vague on most terms.

It doesn't matter. A stepparent has no legal authority to be using punishment (assault) of this nature on a child that is not theirs. It doesn't matter if your ex was present nor does it matter that language of this sort does not exist in any order.

I would send a strongly worded letter informing your ex that his spouse is NOT to physically assault the children in anyway whatsoever, regardless if you are present or not or whether you give permission. The only people who have a right to discipline the child(ren) in that nature are their mother and father and no one else.

The next time this happens, you will call the police and file assault charges against her.

Send this letter certified with return reciept.

 

[CJane]

Franky while I sympathize with you I don't know how far you will get without a more specific order especially regarding the discipline. I think you need to modify the court order before you start seriously pressing issues. While I do think that step parents should be allowed to discipline, I do not think physical discipline is appropriate. Start figuring out exactly what you want modified and why and then get a lawyer and modify it.

Other than the fact that whether or not YOU THINK that a step-parent should be allowed to discipline, this person is NOT a step, she's a girlfriend. She shouldn't be laying a hand on the children. If I was mom, I'd call CPS and find out what my options were before calling the police, but I would definitely call CPS.

 

[Content]

Other than the fact that whether or not YOU THINK that a step-parent should be allowed to discipline, this person is NOT a step, she's a girlfriend. She shouldn't be laying a hand on the children. If I was mom, I'd call CPS and find out what my options were before calling the police, but I would definitely call CPS.

If you will notice I did say that I don't think step parents should do physical discipline. I am just not sure how far CPS or anything will go on an issue like this, especially with no marks and it being a pretty much isolated incident. Which is why I suggested modifying the court order, once she has a specific order her options for enforcing and getting results are much greater.

 

[going_crazy]

It wasn't an isolated incident, it has happened many times before. I did contact my lawyer, she advised me to call the police, which I did. The officers were very understanding and helpful. I wrote out a statement, which I copied to give to my lawyer. The police officers are going to speak with my ex husband and his girlfriend. They said to look for marks and bruises from now on and report any other incidents. I have a log I have been keeping, dates and times the spanking, by the ex husband's girlfriend, has occured in the past. I have argued this point so many times with my ex and his girlfriend and get nowhere, it continues to happen.

I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday. I'm glad I called the police and hope that this is a wake up call for the girlfriend to keeps her hands off my children.

Thanks everyone for your input.

 

[brisgirl825]

It wasn't an isolated incident, it has happened many times before. I did contact my lawyer, she advised me to call the police, which I did. The officers were very understanding and helpful. I wrote out a statement, which I copied to give to my lawyer. The police officers are going to speak with my ex husband and his girlfriend. They said to look for marks and bruises from now on and report any other incidents. I have a log I have been keeping, dates and times the spanking, by the ex husband's girlfriend, has occured in the past. I have argued this point so many times with my ex and his girlfriend and get nowhere, it continues to happen.

I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday. I'm glad I called the police and hope that this is a wake up call for the girlfriend to keeps her hands off my children.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Keep us updated on how this works out.

 

[Content]

It wasn't an isolated incident, it has happened many times before. I did contact my lawyer, she advised me to call the police, which I did. The officers were very understanding and helpful. I wrote out a statement, which I copied to give to my lawyer. The police officers are going to speak with my ex husband and his girlfriend. They said to look for marks and bruises from now on and report any other incidents. I have a log I have been keeping, dates and times the spanking, by the ex husband's girlfriend, has occured in the past. I have argued this point so many times with my ex and his girlfriend and get nowhere, it continues to happen.

I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday. I'm glad I called the police and hope that this is a wake up call for the girlfriend to keeps her hands off my children.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Not to be difficult but what good has really come from calling the police? If they are just talking to her and not pressing some kind of charges your ex and his gf are likely to just laugh it off. Is there not something more serious your lawyer can press?

 

[CJane]

Not to be difficult but what good has really come from calling the police? If they are just talking to her and not pressing some kind of charges your ex and his gf are likely to just laugh it off. Is there not something more serious your lawyer can press?

The 'good' that's come from it is that there is now a documented case of the girlfriend hitting the child... a report filed by the mother. And, there will be a follow-up report filed by the officer that speaks to the girlfriend and dad. It's about documentation at this point.

Right now, without proof (marks, etc) there probably can't BE charges of abuse filed.

 

[Content]

The 'good' that's come from it is that there is now a documented case of the girlfriend hitting the child... a report filed by the mother. And, there will be a follow-up report filed by the officer that speaks to the girlfriend and dad. It's about documentation at this point.

Right now, without proof (marks, etc) there probably can't BE charges of abuse filed.

Personally I think that this is kind of ridiculous. THe police are basically sitting around and waiting on her to seriously harm the child then? Or am I mistaken? Hopefully I am wrong on this. I would think at the least as someone suggested an order of protection would be possible keeping the gf away and then modifying the order.